My Lady of the Lantern

CONFIRMED!!! 1306 at 17dpo!!!! Woot Woot! Will go with a more composed heart for Tuesday's appointment.... Please keep praying for me/ keeping me in your thoughts. I can't quite believe it... ^WiseGuy^

I thought I saw a light yellowish discharge today...I stared hard enough and I actually believed that there was a light red shade there too! But oh, nopes...it won't qualify as spotting, and it is certainly a zero shade of red. No cramps either. Can't believe this. It is totally bizzare. How can I, a 33 day-er be sitting seemingly this far away, when everyday, I have been taking one staple step towards the red ribbon? Counting on from June 11...I am CD50! Do you think beta may magically reappear? Any comments that label me stupid, are most welcome. ^WiseGuy^

Today morning's POAS said it. I did not completely believe it. My mind repeated it, but I drew it back and said that it was not sure. Not now. I was a wounded horse already. But I thought I could drag myself, and if I dashed hard enough, maybe the finish line was closer than visible. I thought of playing a cruel joke on my mother (and some intuition tells me that she would call today, and I will still pull the joke). I called at 1630 Hrs. He said that the report would come after 1700 Hrs. I kept the receiver, and decided to go home. I came home. I was not hungry. I was anxious. I still made celebratory/depression-companion instant noodles and left them to cool down a bit. Finally did pick up the reciever and made the call. He shuffled sheets. He said that the report had come. He pronounced my name wrong. I corrected him. And then he spoke to somebody in the background. I heard the news from the guy at the back - a little voice that said He heard that and I knew he was still holdin...

Yesterday entailed a short journey to a place where some institutional activity was up, and I was expected for a 3 hour stint. As I made my way to the target, I suddenly became aware of the awful condition of the road….I was making my way into a corner of the city I did not do a regular beat on. The rains and apathy had done the needful….I was aware of the roughness, the jolts, and such, and very worried. Of course, it was not my vehicle that was the cause of the scare, it was a possibility . I have been given a sweet word in the comments to the last word – patience. I have never been able to associate that with myself. This whole self-imposed waiting-for-Tuesday is a simple defense mechanism in place to save me from the dark clouds of the sheer depression of never having had any whoopee beta results…never have I seen one good report for myself, and when I went for a beta to fox Ms. AF (by not POASing first), it did not do me good either. Nothing will stun me more than a beta that is c...

I have been visiting/hitting/increasing the traffic stats of online 'Beta-calculators' lately...I read and I read, and I watch and I watch, and I input funny numbers and see the outcomes.... My weird sense of entertainment, I tell you! ^WiseGuy^

Monday night (April 27, 2009), we were about to conclude an intimate business when I asked DH whether he ever believes that we may remain childless. Answer? No. But the No is not as in, "No, we would not be childless" . The No stands for "I do not think about it" . Here I am, tempting my wrinkles to start coming around any day now (huh..overstatement) and totally aware of the prospect of being barren, and here I have a partner who does not think about it at all!!! I egged on. I was not convinced by his line of thinking, but DH had clammed up. Either he withheld his inner thoughts or he really was telling the truth to me about his attitude towards having or not having children ever. He said, 'Why fret over what is outside our control? '. I think as far as IF is concerned, in terms of Locus of Control, I am an internal and he is an external. Now his line of thinking has advantages, and possibly the biggest is that one is exempted from the pressure-cooker perfo...

I have been feeling very off-the-hook for the past few days. I am not really grinding myself with the who, why me or how of my infertility. Can I call it subfertility (it feels better and that is how one of my doc files recites my case)? There is something gnawing at me and I am seeking some closure for it. Nancy wrote a beautiful comment for me on a previous post. Though it singed to read it initially, I have to thank her for being resolute and pointing out facts rather than just core-cushioning me. And though I did not write much of a response to her beyond a sheer ~Thank You~, she gave me a lot of food for thought. So here it is: I believe I was pregnant. And that my beta was tested after the levels started falling, hence the BFN. For me any later pregnancy and resulting children will not be 4, 5 or 6. I believe my babies are destined for my womb only. And so those who went away will come back to me again eventually. I am at peace, for now! ^WiseGuy^

How have y'all been doing? Since the evening of December 2nd, I have been having intermittent bleeding/spotting. That evening,I rushed to the centre. I was in utter throes of despair. However, sonography revealed that there was no sign of a period on its way. I have been put on bed rest again and the rest of the decisions will be taken after my beta (for which I will be submitting a blood sample, in a few hours from now). Please pray for me. I have been given a mild sedative to help me sleep through the night. I hope things do work out in the end. ^WiseGuy^