My Lady of the Lantern

Well he was definitely not saying: 'Respect My Authoritah!!!' I know that by now you must have lost track of all the loony paths I take you to...but hold my hand patiently while I walk you through another realm of irrationality. I dream. My mother dreams. My aunts dream. The street-dog in the next lane dreams. We dream different. Sometimes our dreams cross paths. At such times, we do stop by the picket fences in the moonlight-filled haze to wave at each other. There is a bit of information I withheld from you guys. The morning of 21st November 2008, when I woke from my dream, another aunt reported seeing something, and a second aunt reported something. We did not see the same thing, but it was all connected. My second aunt was not even aware of what I had been upto in my stellar reproductive quest. My mother did not see anything. I am not a dabbler in paranormal. I am not even recommending it. But my mother recently saw a dream and God apparently asked her for me to do a back-t...

Mel proposed an informal online festschrift. Think of this as the most interesting delurking project that one could participate in. You can understand the project in full by clicking here , but in brief, the Celebratory Society is a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me--this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about... you . I have been blogging my IF journey since 2008, and in all this while I have met many bloggers who have deeply impacted me. I sometimes wonder, how I would have coped up without the empathy of my online friends. It is obvious, that I would have developed some survival tactics, but being online and amongst you has really added valuable buoyancy to me. I feel understood, and cared for. I would really like to also call upon my lurkers....I know you visit me often. I ...

I dreamt this in the night bridging 10th and 11th May. I woke up from it and it remained alive in my consciousness. Initially, I did not believe it to be a fertility related dream, but after I spoke to my mother about it, I understood that it could have connections to my fertility issues. I was standing in a rectangular backyard…actually it stretched quite a bit, because a common courtyard ran for all the houses. I do not remember about the house from which I emerged. The door was closed and I had come out to pluck flowers. Well, the courtyard on my right had been segregated by low fencing marking the different houses. On my left there was an open stretch. There were no plants in sight except one crepe jasmine tree that was on my left side and at the absolute end of the courtyard (diagonally). I check out by crossing to the end of the right side as well, and well there were no plants and hence no flowers. The crepe jasmine tree was round shaped and the branches, leaves and flowers were...

I have so many thoughts I want to jot down, and the past week and a half that I was posting my Flying Thoughts series, there were incidents and issues that went flitting. But, I did not want to disrupt the tempo and so I withheld myself. However something so happened that I would like to speak it out, before everything else that I planned to document. On Tuesday ( as in May 18th ), my parents ( who are currently in the US, spending time with my bro ) phoned up. My brother and his girlfriend have finally decided to get married, and the date would be fixed in accordance with their winter vacation. My heart sank. Of course, I am happy for my bro. Do you remember I had once spoken of a tradition where the toddlers of the family ride the mare with the groom ? Well, my child would miss the ride yet again. I do not have anybody to offer for that ride. My own brother would not be seating my child on the mare. How can this be? I missed out in the wedding of my DH's two cousins last year. I ...

…continued from previous post… I think that I am so in-reined with battling infertility, that I do not know what I will do with being pregnant or the kid himself/herself. I do not dwell on this aspect too much, because I have an inkling that I would be *virtually* jumping with joy if I find that I am finally knocked up. But tell me, is pregnancy the same thing for an infertile as a fertile? Is the protruding belly of an infertile gazed at the same way as the qualified others? Would I be more nervous, more tight-knotted and more on the edge all the time? Frankly, I would love to live through pregnancy like her . She was an ideal because she tried to make it as normal as she could and I love that totally. But I am a different person, and my sides will reveal only when my IF-tainted body decides to enjoy the fruit of life. Secondly, my infertility would make my own family process my new status in different ways. The way I would be ‘looked after’ would be starkly different from the caring...

…continued from previous post… I went for an ovulation study. I found out I was ovulating on my own. Woohoo! I did not get pregnant. I waited patiently. I did not get pregnant. Some reasons forced me and DH to stay apart for a little while. I read newspaper reports of school girls doing it once and getting pregnant. DH did visit me more often than that. I did not get pregnant. When I raised my concerns, I was always spoon-fed that you-are-not-together line all the time. DH still visited often. I did not get pregnant. We finally started cohabitating. I did not get pregnant. I was ovulating, right? But I did not get pregnant. Then the Clomid showed up my window. It was Femara and Letrozole after that. I did not get pregnant. I developed a cyst in my right ovary, and the rightye seemed to be the more cheerful of the two ovaries that God gave me. My ovary had also inherited my brain, and it would just not get over its stubborn clinging to the cyst. I got told that the ovulation inducing ...

…continued from previous post… I was never a thin kid. I must have been, but those days are no longer in my memory. I preferred Library to Games period by a slightly higher margin, and could play Ludo endlessly. I loved video games and daydreaming. I have never considered myself a sick child per se. My infancy though does chronicle bouts of bronchitis, but that was that…I have never fractured a single bone till now. I have been knocked up by diseases, but I have always recuperated well. I hated injections, I hated tablets and capsules. I was okay with syrups, but they too went in with a lot of effort. My periods were very regular. We had been shown a video about menstrual cycle in school by a FMCG major, who had descended upon us-about-to-hit-puberty (to possibly develop a brand preference) . So when my periods arrived, I was not crying about how I was going to die. I just showed what was happening to my mother. They would arrive like clockwork….for a long long long set of years. Then...

…continued from previous post… I hate to be discussed behind my back, and if my IF were to become a lasting malady, I know what would happen. Hushed tones would discuss me, and mention my lack of progeny. It would be a thing that would be used to differentiate me. Something to be reinforced in mind, body and spirit. Something to be used as a search term for somebody behind their back. I am not prepared to be that butt, that dart-board, that aim-tool. You see, there is another edge to this thing. Suppose, I have my kid in 2011. Then I would be the poor her, she had to wait for long to have her kid / it was so difficult for her to have her kids. Supermom, and sacrifice all the time, because dammit she asked for motherhood so much, and now that she is one, it is all she should be interested in. Everybody’s kids are here, because they had sex, my kid would be a permanent miracle, and I would be reminded that endlessly. Can you see why BabySmiling’s question did not leave me? I do tend ...

…continued from previous post… The one thing I keep repeating on my blog is that I believe that I will have kids. I do believe that. But I also have this bubble-wrap of fear, a ring of mirth circling that thought. I may not have any kids at all. I do not think I am programmed to see myself childless in my future. I am prepared to live on with the trying, and bemoaning what has passed. But I can’t see myself staying unfulfilled. I can’t. I do think I will be a partial wreck, and disjointed invisibly if infertility was a permanent cloak for me to wear. I am not prepared to wear it forever. I also do not know what I will do with myself. Sadly, by the time I find that out, my future would have become my present. I lived with the initial trying. I lived with others trying. Now, I see those people looking for playschools, or planning for a change of schools, or preparing for a second, or the first birthday of their second. When I heard a colleague claim that almost all babies in X (my workp...

Have you worried that infertility treatment, or infertility itself, would cause problems down the line? In cow bits, if you are having a raving amount of time, maybe you could stitch a quilt on that question. When BabySmiling posted that question in one of her Thoughtful Thursdays , I typed in what came out spontaneously. But the question refused to leave me. It hung, and here I am doing something akin to pulling the question verbatim into a blog post for me. I think it is a question for which you will need to stand in my shoes. More importantly, for me, it is like the bubbling insecurities have resurfaced in visible tones. When I began, I had no idea. I had an idea, and it was just that sperm meets egg, likes it a lot and they wed in March. And a wee bouncing pooping baby sits in your lap in December. I will tell you a secret. I have always craved a December baby. I would have gone ‘Awesome!’, had I been knocked up to go for a finale in my favourite month. It seems silly, right? Now,...

There is something I have been composing in tiny parts over this week. I began the post after a question irked me. And I am glad that I did. Halfway through, when I wrote about 2 .doc pages, I managed to believe it was all trash, and completely away from the point. I wanted to click *delete*. I stopped typing and closed the file. Over the course of the next two days, I decided to not delete and continue. I did not want to be writing for a literary exam and I did not want to turn non-sequitur. I am writing as I am writing this, and I hope to finish the crazy train of thoughts that occupied my mind. I plan to post that spew in parts, so that it is readable and I am able to emphasise whatever I want to. I also assure you that I am going to sound pretty derailed, and all, but come on, it takes a lot of time to set thoughts right, and I do not want to polish my brain. ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://www.clipartguide.com/_named_clipart_images/0511-0809-0718-3237_Bellerophon_Riding_Pegasus_C...

Ah...caught you there... What? Oh, so you would have come here anyways? See, I am here hoping to replace the Small with Big soon enough. But as of today, it just happens to be ... CD1. ^WiseGuy^

There is a video I found on the net....it has asanas and pranayam meant especially for infertile couples. Few Bits you should be prepared for: a) The introduction is a bit long, has a bit of Hindi, and lot of Shlokas. b) Don't go by his words, go by his meaning. He speaks of morality, and certain instances which may not be true in your setting. c) The herbs that have been shown are a little difficult to procure, and I think only the asanas/breathing routine are of immediate utility. My internet speed is wonky, and I would be nuts to watch it on Youtube. I downloaded the video, and went through it. Have you seen this vid before? Did you watch it? Did you pick up anything from whatever was shown here? Or are you already doing some of the bits shown in the video? ^WiseGuy^