My Lady of the Lantern

- One's parents' friends are exactly that - parents' friends. - It is possible to deeply love and yet despise someone. - As a person, I can't handle company 24x7. I need some alone time. - No pain compares to watching something happen to your own child. - Some people enter your life for a brief while. They are very important in that phase. - Till there is life, there is hope. Till . - What's coming up next is sometimes completely un-guessable. - I punished certain people by shutting them out of my life not because they were any worse than some others, but because they were too soft as targets and it was entirely possible to torture them. I heaped my reaction too heavily on them. - I found myself capable of being very sad and yet being able to mingle and dissolve in a social gathering.

I was moisturizing my forearms when I realized that as of today, I was a year older. Darn it, I did not expect a birthday to bring me to that ! --- Kmina very aptly told me to not try to cross bridges till I actually came to the end of one, and apparently, I am not getting any good at that. Beyond the scope of what I write here, there has been some change on the professional front for DH, and even though I am in the know, and he is keeping it easy/low-key/simple, I know that there are worries written in the year ahead. Frankly, I do not want to rock the boat right now, and I can't help it coz if it comes down to that, we will be making some deep moves next year. When I was busy trying to conceive a child, we had relative financial stability... and now that stability is about to go bust. So like Kmina told me, I thought of not thinking about it at all, but my brain is too well-oiled to not mull over what is up.

Yesterday evening's doppler was good enough to convince SuperGyn to wait for a while longer before delivering Season. I go in for another doppler next Monday, but most probably I will be in Week 37 when I deliver this kid, rather than hovering in the Week 35 bracket (at the time of delivery). I was so relieved...I was chatty and smiling and light on my way back home from the clinic, and my mood has been suddenly way better. The CTGs will now happen on alternate days, and I have already had a round two of cortisone injections for lung maturity, so I am in a more stable place. And numbers be damned. Their machine got re-calibrated on Sunday after it had been thrown into hard-earned repairing, and the numbers looked different to me. But I don't care. The MCA flows are good. The baby is gaining weight, the fetal movements are great, and I am being monitored closely. Happy Happy. Image Courtesy: http://www.clker.com/cliparts/v/4/p/F/L/S/happy-bee-hi.png (Image not used f...

(The roots of this post are that I was miserable quite a while ago that CBub won't be able to preside in a position of which she would have been the first and obvious choice in my brother's wedding). One of the past weekends was my bro's wedding. And at one point of time, the children in our wedding party gravitated on their own towards the place which would have otherwise held CBub, had she been alive. They played and just enjoyed themselves while at it. And. And I found that I did not feel bad at all watching them doing this. I did not hold it against the children for being against my 'adult/grown-up' demands for leaving the space empty. Very significantly, I felt none of the pain I thought would happen at such a thing. The perfection of this moment lies in the fact that I remained calm and unmoved when I had originally thought I would be agonizingly excited over it. That I did not clam up or had to hold myself back. For more perfect moments, go visit Lori .

I have consciously decided to not purchase anything for Season till the kid arrives, and lives. I feel hopeful that he/she will survive. My mum once told me (before CBbub was born), that she would wrap the baby in gauze and bring it home, if that was all we had. I am ready with the gauze. I misplaced a good bit of clothes my SIL had handed me when I became pregnant with CBub. I neither made the efforts to look for them, nor were they present at their usual place. When I go to the hospital, there will be hardly any clothes at hand....I hope for mad rushes from family and friends to go buy socks, nappies, onesies...whatever that is needed. May that be the case. -------------------- Thank you very much for the responses on the last two posts. I have decided to not worry about the numbers that Season has been belting out. As a couple of bloggers did point out, I would like to factor in genetics in the readings. Also, as far as the pain is concerned, SuperGyn has already said that ...

I have been visiting SuperGyn's clinic every day since mid-December. One of the current concerns which she seems to verbalize every time is that, for all the dopplers that have been done (once a week so far; rest of the days I let CTG take over), Season seems to be doing well on most of the fetal parameters - BPD, HC and FL. But, Season has been consistently lagging on AC (Abdominal Circumference). In fact the circumference has been same for the past two dopplers (five-six days in between). The kid is active, so far all CTG reports have been good and no other problem appears in sight. 1. Should this lagging AC be of any importance to me? 2. Can it mean something, that the SuperGyn can't sweet-coat for me? 3. Would you be concerned about it? 4. Does this actually mean I am likely to have a very thin/low-weight baby? SuperGyn just insists that the baby must put on more weight. That is what she has been telling me all the time. And I weighed in 600 gms lower today, which is...

The area under the longest belly tip, especially a bit over the C-section scar has been sore for a while. It is slightly painful to touch as well. SuperGyn ruled out scar tenderness, and well, there is not much I can do. Have any ideas on what could be causing it?

I seem to have lost my marbles lately. I bawled my eyes out because I specifically asked that they don't shut the room door from inside, and they did it. I went to take bath in my parent's washroom, and shut the door of the bedroom from inside, because I knew a certain someone would knock on the door and want to take out the bag that was left behind. And obviously because I was extra-busy washing the 24-hour old grime off my divine body, I would be unable to open the door. That's called revenge . That's called crying at such a stupid stupid stupid thing. I could have managed this through more rational ways - like how about knocking politely, but I seem to be taking puerile routes through and through. I am stressed, and it triggers at whatever. I am not continually stressed, but it seems I am a good candidate for 'handle with care' . Oh yes, I am biologically an adult.

I consider it a brilliant idea to post a list of pregnancy symptoms decently before the pregnancy ends. I had been aggregating the list over a couple of weeks, and I realize that if I were writing all of these things now, I wouldn't be able to infuse any humour, because I have been very volatile lately. And I have unintentionally slipped into Mode Selfish , and even though I have been reading the comments and holding them close, I have not made the efforts to either hit 'Reply' or go back to the respective blogs and return your sweet consideration. I suspect this selfishness will be on for a while, so bear with me, and hang on with me. Please. And thank you. And please. And well, thank you. I haven't missed the words, but I am currently looped out. The Said Symptoms - -Are there oil wells on the South Pole? I hope there are, because my kid will be very employable considering the practice he/she is getting at drilling in that direction. -It is easier for me to ans...

15th December was epic meltdown (x2) day. I went for a scheduled doppler, and by the grace of human error ended up having the wrong EFW mentioned on my photo cards. SuperGyn (thankfully) insisted that the baby was not putting weight as it should, and that the AC continued to be on the lower side. Combine that with the fact that though the FHR was good, the loop of cord was present again, and Season decided to remain staid throughout the doppler, and that is how I was sent for a CTG. The smart-whatever began kicking as soon as the CTG was put on my stomach. Having had words raining at my ears, and feeling the kid move when docs had otherwise failed to make him/her move, I kind of lost it and began crying while the CTG machine was belted on my tummy. This kid wasn't making my life easier. The baby's progress was put on a growth chart, and to my dismay it indicated that the growth had plateaued. I was asked to repeat a CTG in the evening. The CTG went well, but as a further con...

And this is how we rock 0110 hrs!

I have mentioned before that I requested the dreaming to go away . Seems like the vivid meaningful dreams are back in full force. The signs lie in the following two: Dream I - Early morning hours of 7th December I was sitting cross-legged on one of the beds in our apartment at UsualCity. We tend to use that bedroom during summers. It was around 10-11 in the morning. Season was there as an infant. (And from the dream it appears Season is a boy). Anyways, I was crying because in my hands was a HPT and it had two lines. The tears were not of pure joy. Dream II - Morning of 8th December; just before I work up (sometime between 6 - 7: 30 a.m.) I was sitting on the PC. It was almost midnight and on some whim managed to dial the number of someone to wish happy birthday. When I realized I woke up the other person, I apologized and kept the phone. The birthday person immediately phoned up on our landline, and I requested him/her to call back on my cell phone so that I can receive it in my...

I am going to do a Gandhi, and be very painfully truthful. It is painful because I am about to paint myself in a bad light here. One of my mum's close friends came by today evening to show what gift she had purchased for my bro and would-be SIL. The pearls are ugly lovely. Except that this lady had scrimped on what she gave me on my wedding. I hated the lovely pearls. (Sneer) I am jealous like that. ---- If it was not for Words with Friends, there wouldn't be anything at all that I do out of pure interest currently. I have lost my passion. ---- December can't end fast enough. I was looking forward to the impending event in the family, but I now want it done and for the new year to roll by. Sadly, a day lasts for a day. ---- I should have been born in the house of a chocolatier or perhaps married one. Image Courtesy: http://www.socialliteracytoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/emotions-mixed.jpg (Image not used for commercial reasons and no copyright ...

Because I was the school girl who had revised the entire syllabus knowing the exam next morning would still be a tough one - the kind where tricky questions are expected. I was just that girl. I am feeling better today because my CTG went well. I can smile about yesterday, today. I was so nervous!

# 1. People have begun asking me when I am due. I know my EDD, but I tend to answer the question with beginning of January. I don't want to lie, but if Season comes early, I don't want people to have a prejudiced notion that in case Season needs NICU and all that, it is because of prematurity. I want him/her to be considered a normal child with the usual things being expected of him/her rather than people forming a first impression of him/her through the preemie status. I can't have another PDA equals to hole-in-the-heart, and hence ooh-severely-complicated layman interpretation of whatever is going on with this child. ----****---- # 2. I still have modest aspirations that I will see atleast 35 weeks of pregnancy, and go on to 36 weeks gestation ideally. Ideally. But I know that when the time comes and if it is not what I am mentally comfortable with, I will respect SuperGyn's decision and will trust her to bring this baby out as safely as possible.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Yes, I am aware of all the nuchal cord disclaimers....Yes it can slip in, and slip out....and all of that.... Except that I know my history. Except that I am sure that if things are meant to go right, they WILL go right. Except that I know there is not much I can do than to keep looking at my own nutrition and rest and the baby's well-being in the intervening time. Except that I woke up soggy brained and teary in the morning today. Except that I wanted to cry, and thought will bawl my eyes out when mummy is out for the hour. Except that tears have a mind of their own, and can't be scheduled. Instead, I am sitting in front of the laptop and have my fingers beating down the keypad. I can't cry but just writing it out here makes me feel a wee bit better. Except that I hope that lightning wont strike twice. Except that I managed to turn into a scared mouse in the elephant that runs from wall to wall and then h...

Had a Doppler today, and it took me some internal calming when I saw a loop of cord closely encircling Season's neck. Not to flip you either, but I also had my first cortisone injection (for lung maturity) and have another one scheduled tomorrow. I hope to go to end of December atleast, and ideally the first week of January. Monitoring is the hot key now. Made me think of this: Image Courtesy: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7LFOxCoi_smY1Q509epKTIXfinMp4vrxwHeIFoRN05AFfZIN9QJt31vDSAGKbwYLnLP06EdLfoH1KqKgJXKTyKmYQNAueBG3AICliTD9AXrncgUwaAZ4j5UC3ZMwVbsFzPihiX8pjHHk/s400/new+trailer+3-2009+objects+in+mirror.jpg (Image not used for commercial reasons, and no copyright claimed by the blog author.)

In case, you think I am obsessed with this little guy....you are partially correct. Z-'s recent interaction with me last week was regarding CBub. Her photograph is at my bedside. He came into my room, and asked if I had been asleep. I wasn't. I was sitting on the edge of my bed. " Oh, is the baby asleep then? " I turned around to see my blanket was scrunched onto one side of the bed....giving the impression of someone snuggled in (perhaps). I shook my head into a no. I said the baby wasn't asleep. He asked where the baby was. When I responded that the baby was with God, he just repeated the 'fact' to himself. No 'adult' responses/expressions came from him. For him the baby in question is not the one adults perceive in my tummy, but the baby whose pic is at my bedside. That is the baby he sees. That is the baby he said Goodbye to when he ran down our stairs ( after the interaction, and on my request ) - no flinching, no judging. And from a ...

Someone phoned up my Dad to appreciate the fact that he had received my bro's wedding invite in the mail so much in advance. My dad's instantaneous response was that the credit went to Elsie, for she had been taking care of the invites. Receiving unexpected appreciation made me happy. How perfect. ---- To read even more perfect moments, visit Lori .

...wasn't too big. I was in the backseat of a taxi. My purse was sharing the seat. It was a November evening, and the city lights were deliciously lit. And in that gazing out, I had my palms pasted on my belly. And right next to my navel, a foot almost jutted out. It was just a moment, but I was able to grab the foot before it went back in. The taxi driver didn't see it. My fellow travellers who were unwillingly halted on the traffic signal did not see it. The traffic was set in motion, and a smile was pasted on my face.

So 16th evening, there happened to be a party next door. There was a percussion instrument played briefly and I couldn't help but dance with the beat. To my pleasant surprise, there was dancing inside me too! I noticed the same on 17th. Not that I was dancing, but there was music coming from afar, and the kiddo seemed to be tuned in. On 18th we attended an event and there was live music with the orchestra playing a range of songs. I told my mum to look at my belly. I expected to see the same thing happen....it didn't! We were sitting and the gift ( we had taken ) was in my lap. One side of the box was touching my belly, and I felt that kiddo kicked when the box was in touch with my belly...otherwise nothing happened, even when the song changed. The band played a tune I am very fond of, and I began to hum gently to the tune....there are some lines that I love...and baby kicked with that....the song was not loud and full of crazy beats, but was on a little more melodious sid...

As I stated in the title itself, I don't mean this as a whine. After the apparent false start in August, the SPD has begun to show its appearance again. The pain isn't much, very manageable and it becomes very obvious when I hit the bed for the night. Sleeping on any side has become a bit tougher, but what worries me is that I often catch myself sleeping on my back during the night. I don't want to mess with the ven@ c@v@. The other characteristic is that the pain isn't consistent on all nights...sometimes the pain is almost just not there. What is the difference is what escapes my imagination currently. The other thing is that the aspirin is leading to me bruising easily. Itchy skin to scratching to red lines on the skin - that is what can be very easily seen recently. Also, any rash/allergy seems to flare very quickly. The flipside was my referencing the all-knowing Dr. Google on consumption of aspirin and some material I found made me a little doozy. I take low...

Yesterday evening, I visited a mail account I hadn't been to in a long while. In one of the numerous folders I found copies of certain conversations (mails) between me and DH. And in most of them, either he or I were clarifying our stands over daily mundane stuff. I have not exactly forgotten our past. And reading through those mails, incidents forming the context of the mails became alive again. I am glad we are over all those things. Besides the fact that we were getting habituated and acclimatized with each other, the physical separation that led to an emotional and mental separation was hard on us. Few factors complicated this acclimatization, and we were snapping at each other most of the times. That was also a time we had slipped into the not-preventing mode. We were passively active, and the future of our reproductive life was still a quiet unknown. Infertility as a word in our life had not exactly made an appearance. Reading all that took me down the memory lane of ...

(you would understand the title reference if you went through the penultimate post) ...You would never believe this post came from me!!! Hold your heart... The secret weapon is ....ahem.... exercise . I do two basic breathing exercises and very primordial kind of extremities-twisters. The two breathing exercises I do, include: 1. deep breathing in tailor position I love sitting like this. I began to do this with more sincerity (along with other exercises) when I was around 10-12 weeks pregnant. I suspected it would get tougher, but so far I am still able to manage it. And the bonus is that Season always moves/kicks when I am sitting like this. 2. @nulom vil(o)m pr@n@yam Yup, I do this too. And then the basic kindergarten level shaking....keeping hands stretched parallel to legs and opening and closing palms like flashing lights or grabbing air, moving the feet from the ankles (clockwise and counter-clockwise) and when I am at it, I will do the same to my poor head....Next t...

Yesterday morning, I went for a routine appointment with SuperGyn...the routine weight/pulse/BP taking got done, and she asked me to get a doppler done. Midway through our conversation, she asked me if I would like to volunteer for a session on obstetric ultrasound (similar mumbo jumbo) and I said yes to it. I got a couple of follow-up stuff after the oral agreement. The consequence of this volunteering is that today afternoon Season would star in a session at the conference. But there have been a couple of important points discussed in the meeting. SuperGyn appeared happy with my net weight gain. A couple of tests will be repeated over the course of next few days, and most importantly, I asked about my possible D-day. Much before this pregnancy happened, I had a preliminary talk with SuperGyn over how soon to try, what to do in the next pregnancy and all that. That time, heparin and 36 weeks etc were discussed. I did not have to go on heparin this pregnancy, but she is still asking ...

- I strongly suspect that there is a rock climbing, rappelling and foot stomping boot camp underway in my belly. - I crave milk chocolates, and sweets in general. - I have (thankfully) no edema, and unless you peek at my belly, won't know I am expecting. You won't have to peek at my belly. My belly peeks back before you can. - I have been unable to record a video, but my belly trembles visibly with movements happening inside. - The tummy looks like I swallowed a whole basketball. Except that I didn't. - The nausea is gone. I am not missing it * . - Saw a sweet set of spider veins popping on my right thigh. - I have had brief episodes of increased pulse rates....it is 80 in the normal course, and was going to 94 and beyond. It gets cured with rest. - The onset of SPD that I spoke of earlier in the pregnancy did not happen. I have a secret weapon combating it. - My navel often sports an upper lip! * (I aggregated this list over four days. The very next day of me ...

Last night, there came a situation that brought out the cold dark seed that can emerge in my throat at times. It doesn't bid well when one gets jolted-reminded that one was the last person to know of their own child's passing. The dogs passing the street did not know. The sounds I heard from the nearby house, signals of urban life and faceless bits of human dialogues, their speakers also did not know. Their not knowing did not make a difference to me. But number of people who mattered to me, who I labelled as friends, close friends, family, close family knew of her passing away. When a trigger shot my brain yesterday, I chose to go silent. I was on the brink of tears, but did not cry. I won't cry. Not in front of company of any kind...that is what I can hold from my friends, close friends, family, close family and so on. I let that lump sit. A glass of water didn't dissolve it. My own steering of myself did. When that brooding sat perch, there was nothing I was aw...

Sometime after September ICLW, I requested EBC for a honour blanket in the name of CheekyBub. EBC knits blankets on request and sends them to Forever Warm * . She responded immediately and keeping my choice of colours in mind, knitted this: It is beautiful. I know there is not much comfort coming for a parent who has just lost a child. There is nothing bleaker than the next moment coming up. But I also remember that I haven't forgotten the words and messages of support and everything else that came my way after CBub's passing. I don't have CBub, but I have her bunny. I have the quilt you guys made. I have the register I made after she died...I am not a scrapbooker by a distant shot, but I made the effort to collect pics and write down my letters to her in one space. She is not there, but all those things are. I hope EBC's blanket will become one such thing for the grieving parents. Thank you, EBC. It means a lot to me. EBC is expecting her first baby after a har...

(Post shamelessly ripped off adapted from Josey ) 1. How are you carrying? (high-girl/low-boy) - I think its high, but then I get all confused. As indicated from the previous post, majority thinks it is high. 2. What do you crave? (salty-boy/sweet-girl)  - Sweet tooth R Us. I am not a sweets fan in general (except for certain stuff), but I have a sweet tooth. 3. Husband's weight? (gained-girl/maintained-boy)  - Given the fact that DH has taken gym and exercise seriously, he has not just maintained, he has lost weight and is in great shape. 4. Facial Acne? (yes-girl/no-boy) - No acne. Thank you God! 5. Baby's heart rate? (>140, <140) - Well it usually reads 140 +, and there has been just one time it read 135 bpm. 6.  Chinese Gender Chart :  Mine says boy! 7.  Sleep Position - Pay attention to which way you lay down in bed tonight. Left side or right side?  (left-boy/right-girl)  I try to always lay down on my left ...

Here are a couple of belly pics...the first one at 27 weeks with Season, and the other one at 26w5d with CBub: (Season 27w0d) (CBub 26w5d) My question: Am I carrying higher or lower or just the same this time around ? Or does the pic angle not allow a correct judgement?

My father told me, "I won't die till I have played with your children." --- The day I was to be discharged from the hospital, my mum dreamt of me sitting naked in the hospital bed with a baby suckling at my breast. My sutures had come undone and the section scar was wide open. --- I still think of the heartbeat. I still think it was there till I knew. --- My aunt knitted a mini-mat for my mum partly using a stock of wool that was to go into CBub's sweater. I have asked my mum to not use the mat. And she hasn't. And there are concentric rectangles in the mat, and the sky blue (the colour I had chosen) is so beautiful.

I can't tell you what it is exactly, but I can tell you what it's like. It's like waiting for her name to pop up somehow, somewhere in an ongoing discussion. It's like thinking of this as her first something, and knowing that it is just a long list of missed first somethings followed by second, third, fourth somethings. It's like feeling suffocated at your niece continuing to be the centre of attention. It's like choking internally at the woman quipping that x got all of niece's clothes because she was the next 'girl'. It's like wanting to say that there was a girl somewhere in between. It's like writing her name somewhere where everybody's names have been scribbled, knowing everything will get dusted and broomed the next morning. It's like looking at a train of baby related events and wondering where the girl's events would have been positioned. It's like flinching at the woman's statement of how a new member will...

I obsessively check the ticker. And today it tells me I have 100 days to go. Just 100. In Elsewhere universe this translates to 75 days or less. 75 days or less to seeing Season, and hopefully bringing this kid home.

This comes from a Sunday afternoon spent at a baby's naming ceremony. I - Looking Outside I was there. In the hum, chatter and music, I paused to look at the children in the hall. Kids running around didn't move a thing in me. I was stuck on counting the bobbing heads. Four babies. Four mums with four babies. All four babies were the first kids of their mums. All these women attended my baby shower last year, and they were either announced-pregnant or just-conceived at that time. All of them are there except CheekyBub. In the excited lights of that hall, I am not sure if the gray on my face showed. Suddenly I wasn't too sure of myself. I had to walk out of the hall for some fresh air, and away from the bobbing heads, and fancy lights. II - Looking In I am not a jealous person. Atleast, that is not the primary adjective I would ascribe to myself. My host did not have a professional/official photographer for the event. Her brother was taking pics. I was carry...

Yesterday evening, I was aware of Season kicking away. I told my mum what Season was doing and I lifted my gown to show her. Guess what? Season immediately withdrew from the kicking. This wasn't the first time that I pointed out loudly about the kicking and Season immediately went on to prove that I wasn't speaking the truth. So anyways, I got back to my game on FB, and Season began his/her play again. This time, I snapped my fingers to catch mum's attention and lifted my gown to show her the kicks. We were smiling. And then to test my theory, I spoke loudly that the baby was kicking me so much. And this smart mister, actually stopped kicking!! It was such an aha moment. After about two minutes of catching Season innocent, I announced in normal pitch that I was about to have my tea, so let's just enjoy the tea, and in a matter of minutes, Season got back to kicking. The kicking ceased on its own after a while. It was such a lightbulb moment. I think I figured o...

There is TMI in the post below in certain points. Any unpleasantness you experience will not and can not be held attributable to the following text since sufficient warning has already been presented. (the legal mumbo jumbo...yadda yadda) - I still have occasional bouts of nausea. It's not very unnerving, by the way. - I have sore b@@bs. Absolutely! Friction is such a pain! - Remember my Midnight Cowboy phase? It is back. - And I *scratch* all the time....especially around my belly and scar...heavy duty moisturizing is on the play already. - I was using almond oil for massage, but I went back to olive oil. - I am able to eat non-vegetarian food unlike the previous pregnancy. - I dislike capsicum. DH is happy about that, coz he can't stand it either. He is almost proud of this. - I am planning to apply for a replacement position in case Sh@ndee is really kicked out of the dog squad. ( Sh@ndee is an infamous canine in the local police squad who has been doing a miserable...

Once upon a time when I was pregnant before this, I used to keep my hands on my belly in the hope of feeling some movement. Now, I am more reactive. I usually place hands only when the event is happening. I just realized that. Combined with the fact that I am in the middle of a mood swing and am generally feeling a little blue, and I wonder if that has taken its toll on Season's movement. Now that I realized it, I hope to not do this to Season. I can't help the blue I am in right now, but atleast I can give him/her my palms. I do love you, Season. I do. Don't take your moods from mum.

Season has been pretty quiet since yesterday. I am officially announcing that this kid has no pattern. When there was very little kicking the whole day, and I finally lost my marbles by the evening, I whipped out the doppler. The baby's FHR was 135 bpm. And oh, the kid kicked at the wand. The same thing happened today and the FHR reading from about 10 minutes ago is 140 bpm. Baby is addicted to doppler machines, coz the kid goes enthusiastic only after it. That has not lasted either. Maybe the kid is awake all night. Maybe that's why. And I sleep like a log. Maybe.

I had double-barrel kicks yesterday. There were regular volleys to areas above and below the navel and some of the hits were concurrent. DH was on the phone with me, and I described to him what was happening. 'Oh, is Season's cord around the neck?' No, No, No! Season's cord is not around the neck. That does not happen till the eighth month (or till I see it on some ultrasound)... But rather than rejoicing at the happiness I felt from being inwardly kneaded, his spontaneous response (and what prompted him to say it), and my 'short-fusing' at his statement really highlighted to me that when the end rolls closer, it won't be just me flipping my brain off. Of course, I know nuchal cord is not a huge thing, yes, that happens all the time, with the baby moving. But I don't know when a scene from Hangman will start playing in my womb again . I am fearful of that. I still can recall every single thing I felt on the night prior to the C-section, and the ince...

I tend to feel these tugging sensations lately. It happened yesterday (did not rest at all the entire day), and then today, after a brief post-meal walk (second for the evening). I can't describe the location exactly, but it is somewhere inside and down there. The tugging went away after I lay down a bit.

DH quipped in a recent conversation that Season must now be used to my and my mom's voice. The kind of bonding we shared with CheekyBub, and the constant nature of it, is not there this time. Initially hubby used to be hesitant, and CheekyBub would stop kicking when DH placed his hands on my belly, but slowly, she began to recognize his hands too, and every evening we spent moments with his hands firmly placed on my tummy, feeling her kick. It was just the three of us. I enjoy with Season. I love feeling this kid move, and I know that DH misses that kind of bonding. We have our own name for this kid, and DH refers to the baby by that name, and I ask for stuff (chocolates mostly :-)) using Season's name. We are hopeful of bringing this baby home. I still mentally can't munch when Season arrives, and if I think of 37 weeks, it gets dangerously close to CheekyBub's first birthday. My mind tells me this baby will be here before that. I missed on the annual increment thi...

Sometime last week, an ex-student e-mailed me asking for my whereabouts. He wanted to send me a book. I had not seen this fellow for almost two years, and here he was asking my permission for him to send a book. I told him that rather than UsualCity, I was currently in City X, and he told me he could send me the book to the latter as well. I received the books on Monday. On the box was the name of the online store from where he got the book. I was aware of the website, but had never visited it before. I went to the website, and browsing through the categories randomly, I stumbled upon a title I had been looking for a long while. I had a book of the Pancatantra tales growing up, and I loved the stories....years later, I found that I could teach some concepts to my students recalling stories from the same book I had read as a child. Only, that I no longer had the book, and that I usually found books in the stores here that had a few stories rather than most or all of the stories in ...

(This post is an anchor post. I want to re-visit it again someday in future and re-look at what I perceived at this moment, at this juncture.) Q. How many children do you want? I have answered that question on someone else's blog. I have also possibly spoken of it here and there on my blog. I want two children. Maybe upto three. But definitely two. I have never thought I will be having a single kid family. Even today, I can say I have two - my little darling who went away much too soon, and the one life I have inside me. (And Season, please do not have any CheekyBub plans, okay? I believe what she was, and what she became, but you are not taking it from your sister. Understood?) Q. Then what's the problem? But I wonder if I will be able to experience pregnancy again. I am not making a decision as yet. I am not saying this is my last pregnancy. But I am looking at ground reality here. I have no income. I am away from my hubby, and I hope to return to UsualCity with this p...

My Fetal ECG was preponed to Week 21, and it was done on Thursday afternoon. I was more worried about this one than the Anomaly Scan. The baby's heart is fine. For almost this entire last week, the baby changed its movement pattern significantly. The baby is quiet in the evening, and the only time I felt a good go at my inner regions was in the morning after I woke up. My theory was that the baby was probably awake all night and went off to sleep during daytime while I was doing my random business. Apparently, even this new play broke as a pattern during the ECG. The baby managed to kick right on those spots where the wand was moving on my tummy. Sonologist was smiling and telling me that the baby was moving a lot. Of course, I knew. I could feel the baby go bam-bam. Maybe the baby heard my talk about the changed movements to SuperGyn. I am sure that is the only reason baby's back to the usual again. The scuttled pattern had worried me a lot. I tried to poke and poke one n...