My Lady of the Lantern

** My AF is officially over but I had fresh bleeding on Sunday night (controlled with Trenaxa) and then again light bleeding yesterday night. I did not take any Trenaxa last night. I hope it is just my body trying to completely normalize. ** Had the bleeding episodes not occured, I would have started my low-dose aspirin from today morning. I am holding out for two more clear days. ** My offline charting lovediary is now back in action. I am diligently recording dates and such. ** My mojo is back to a great extent. I have started my thesis work again. Not much is left, but unless I get down to it, it will remain 'not much is left' pending forever. ** My iron-folic gave me constipation. I stayed away from laxatives and my body has eventually gotten over it on its own. ** Today is my niece's third birthday. It is the first of all the occasions that I will conspicuously mark Kaiser as absent from.

For one, I have gossip value. For two, people want the juice straight from me, no second grade and hearsay....real juice from original source. Yeah so people ask - "What happened to her?" I am bored of reciting it again and again and then realizing that people may not necessarily understand what happened actually, but rather will replace the details with the closest possible explanation that they understand. So, I say, like I told a neighbour last night - "She took her potty in her mouth and there was cord around her neck." Yeah, I am serious. I actually dish that out. And people nod in complete sympathy and as if they are sure of the fatal value of both the things completely. Till a first of sorts happened (last evening). This lady (a grandma herself) asked me - " So what happens because of that?" ( as in what if the baby takes the potty in the mouth ) I replied weakly - infection. Jeezus! I have a hard time taking people through hypoxia, PDA and all t...

I was going to write a sonnet for my AF, but I did something so superb today that I need to *excited* share it. I deleted my farm! Not from the earth, fellas - coz I don't own no inch of farming land on this planet. I deleted my Zynga driven farm. I am so freed by it. I was sucked-obsessed with it and the promise of the second farm would have taken me down from knee-deep to neck-deep. I played FV knowing I should be doing other things, and yet I remained hooked. I felt anxious when my crops were to mature, or things were ready to be harvested. I felt guilty when I actually started tending to it. Lately, I found myself glued to game feeds...it was crazy, I tell you. I am feeling so good really. And now comes the other restoration. Today is CD3 and I began my Metformin and micronutrients again. Birdman will begin his micronutrients when he comes back to UsualCity. Bleeding has been disciplined and I do not feel as ill-at-ease and incompetent at handling it like the February love I h...

The title affords me to mess my text, fudge sequence and be non-sequitur in my paragraphs. I think I am a strong person. I told that to Birdman the other night we were returning from raiding the local food joints. Birdman’s colleague, his wife and nine-month old daughter were there and came to meet us. Not only did I say ‘hello’ to the kid, I even took her in my arms and baby talked with her. I was ‘watching’ myself if I could handle doing it and I could. It was the first time since January that I held a baby. I am still having my reservations over people – meeting them and talking to them and things like that. I just don’t want to do it. In about a fortnight, I will go back to work and maybe that will crack up this crust for me. I keep fighting this blue-bug that settles on me at random moments and sometimes hours at a stretch. I was reading past entries from my blog (and specifically the letters to Kaiser ) and I find that it was such a happy time…it was such an incredibly beautifu...

I am having trouble with Blogger over certain settings. I want to be able to add a new id from which to edit this blog...I tried the Help section of Blogger and it is not working out for me. The second part of my help is to remove the original id from which I edit this blog... (But I do not know if this is possible.) Can any of you help me here? I will turn over my pwd for three days to you to do the job...and I will be very grateful....If you can help just leave a comment below this post. Thanks!

Means trying to communicate to/with God. Do I believe in God? Yes. It would be hypocritical of me to deny it. But I have been having a hard time thinking that He/She allowed this to happen. I read the Chalisa during my pregnancy. I read it to myself and to Kaiser/Lola. I read it on the morning of 14th January. When I was overwhelmed and had no other thing popping in my mind and was very anxious about Lola's fate, I used the Chalisa to soothe me. I heard it on 16th I suppose (I have it on my cell phone), and then beyond that I would just repeat it to myself mentally hoping to invoke some blessing of life for her. Well, most of my 'saying' happened after Lola had died, but I did not know. I keep asking everybody who tells me to keep the faith as to why my faith did not protect her. All I know (and perhaps when I may someday develop a greater insight) is that something higher was achieved by her. As much as I try to cling to why-me and why-my-baby , I think Lola was a higher ...

It makes me incredibly sad to know that this universe cracked such a massive joke on me and I can't find myself to laugh on it.

Well, I found that I had spotting last night - fresh red blood. I have been tapering my Primolut-N and I am scheduled to stop it on March 19th. So far, the transition from 3 a day to 2 a day to 1 a day had gone well, but things changed last night. So I popped in the hormone pill when I found what happened. The bleeding ceased. In the morning today, I again had bleeding. So, I took my pill a little earlier than I would have otherwise. One hour later - one stubborn gush was out waving its mad arms and holding its red tongue at me. I finally took a Trenaxa to kaput it. I am back to 3 a day, and I will continue to swing it down and stop completely on 19th. Plus, my tummy was grumbling and I was feeling very emotional today morning (just like I do when I am about to get my Aafra Faafra). Joyride. Total .

...in the head. Birdman is on a train returning back to UsualCity from an office-related thing. The thing is I have morbid thoughts. Ever since I came back home from the hospital, the little-big discovery and everything else that rippled, I keep thinking of him to be alright. What if something happens to him? I want him to be there. I don't know but I think when I put it in black and white, it appears harsher than it should. I want him to be okay. Lola is gone. What if he goes away too? Crazy thought, right? But it's all there in my mind. I am relishing the solitude, and whatever bits of it are coming my way right now. I am not working yet, and Birdman comes home usually for dinner and sometimes in between and that gives me alone time - something I have not had for a long long time. I found myself crying this morning. I had a reflux of some condolence offered to me ( would like to talk about it at some other time ), and it pinched bloody hard. Among Birdman's peer group of...

On the evening of Jan 11th, I did some last minute shopping, and most of it was for Kaiser/Lola. I wanted to buy wipes, but three shops were either just-out or about to get them the next day. The last shop I tried is very close to my home, and the shopkeeper knows me from the neighbourhood. He told me that he would place an order for me and get them soon. We checked stuff to take to the hospital on 13th night. Still no wipes. On 14th morning, when I came down the building and was smiling and gay, I wondered if the wipes had been procured by the shopkeeper. I did not get a chance to speak to him, and we just sat in the car and left for the hospital. Turns out I did not need the wipes. Or the clothes. Or the towels. Or the baby's comb. I did not need any thing that had been bought for the baby or made for the baby. Not the bibs. Not the caps. Not the cloth diapers. Not the blankets. Not the towels. Not the quilt (which my aunt made, and thankfully did not show me after the event). No...

So, if you remember from this post , SuperGyn ordered a small battery of tests. All the results are now in. The last report to come in was that of APA Screening and it came on Saturday night. TSH - Within range Glycosylated Hemoglobin - Within range Mean Plasma Glucose - Within range Fasting as well as Post-Prandial Blood Sugar - Within range Homocysteine - 15.64 µmol/L ( Out of range; on the higher side ) And my APA Screening results are disgustingly normal. Lupus, I don't haz it...and Cardiolipin Antibodies and all that bling? I don't haz it either. My PTT and Mixing Studies are within range and so is the DRVVT . One value was at the tip of the higher side but the normalized ratio is within range. SuperGyn is out of town and will be back next week. I am going back to UsualCity tonight, so my mother is going to be showing her the reports. In all, it means that I won't have to use heparin? Metformin and low-dose Aspirin are good enough? I don't know though. The inter...

I am just not into teachers - my school teachers, that is. In my wedding, I invited only one teacher from my school days to the reception. I was going through my wedding album on Wednesday night when I saw her picture, and thought of her. I have not really met her since that November night. And if I discount the delivery of the invitation card to her, I had not met her since 1994, I suppose. So I went to meet her on Thursday evening. You know what my first concern was? I hoped she was alive. Last I knew, she was alive and 80+. Also, that she was living alone. I rang the bell, and she came out, asking who was at the door. I spoke my name like I expected her to remember me just like that. I introduced myself with my marital name, and she didn't quite get it. 'And you are ________. Oh....WiseBursche MaidenName... Now, I remember.' 'You have gained weight.' She offered tea and the invitation was accepted. I stood with her in the kitchen. She looked frail. Her hair had b...

In the few days after I came to know of her death, I was desolate thinking of what had happened and why that had happened (I now know a huge bit of what, but the why remains hanging). In all that mixture of upset and longing and disbelief, my father told me a very important thing. He said, 'You are a mother. She made you a mother.' But what really got to me was, and what was a balm for me at that point of time was when he said that she would come back to me . That she was mine and destined for me only. I felt relieved in a way. With my head now getting screwed back into place, I now wonder if that is correct really. And does my yearning leave her hanging somewhere between the worlds. I don't want her to be in any more trouble because of me. But then, another voice in me speaks that probably in the form that she is now, the physical identity is gone, and the soul is incapable of the pain. That what I remain obsessed with is now disintegrating into the crude earth. I am sure...

I met SuperGyn y'day afternoon. She would have been my OB here in City X, had I not managed to stay back in UsualCity and face the events of mid-Jan. She reviewed my papers and has ordered TSH, FBS, PPBS, Glyc HbA1C, APA Screening and Homocysteine test. I hope that nothing major emerges from all of those fun tests. (I have had the first two tests before, and they have always come out in range) ----- I gained a little over 12 kgs (roughly 26.5 pounds) during my pregnancy. I, by the way, did not have much scope for weight gain. I found that I have already lost 8 kgs (17.6 pounds) from that net weight gain. ----- (Read her story back to Jan 14th.) I suffer from another guilt. I feel like I contributed to my daughter dying. My ILs wanted me to stop working and stay home since the beginning of the third trimester. My mom also wanted me to come to City X earlier than what I was proposing. I refused. I thought that if I could work till the end, it would be good for the expanse of time I ...

What just happened? How come I found myself pregnant, enjoyed a problem-free pregnancy and then ended up like this? It is awful. I will be 34 this year...and darn, when I turn that age, Lola would have been a fortnight short of her first birthday. But this is me. I feel awful. How could I have had such a great pregnancy and then lost it all out at the last stage? Sounds so much like those duff titles and positions I have messed up on... I was not ready to lose her. I am not ready to be this. That I lost her is one thing. That she had to struggle so much, makes me so sad for her.