My Lady of the Lantern

Of many things, becomes a brew.  Of this brew, becomes a stream.  I am off the TTC wagon.  Stopped Metformin yesterday. 

Shifted to watching memorial videos after watching birthing videos on Youtube last night.  - - -  A colleague shared her pregnancy news with me, and for about three weeks, I was the only one in the office who knew.  She keeps pinging me for advice, or to share news on some appointment, and in general. She is pretty pleasant to talk to, and I chat up with her occasionally. We were on the phone yesterday, when I said: "In both my pregnancies, ......." I do not think the struggled interruption of a nanosecond between 'both of my pregnancies' and "....." was perceptible to her.  (She knows I am raising the baby I gave birth to last year. Even though we have never spoken of my history, I believe enough in the power of the grapevine to be sure that she knows I lost my first child. ) But I was suddenly worried if my sharing my-first-pregnancy-anything would overshadow her too. I know it sounds very irrational, but I was worried if I...

~Major TMI Alert~ I started Met.formin and B12 supplementation on CD5 (the Sunday gone by). I am sure the Met has kicked in coz, oh my, I can't control it - the rush to the poop-centre, that is. I have crazy diarrhoea, and body ache. I feel tired, and sense of well being is gone. I am surprised at the ferocity of my body rejecting everything going through my mouth.

I wonder if this is some developmental thing. Figlia's daily report lately consists of one incident atleast of her having pushed some kid, or slapped some kid.  I am not sure if this must be labelled aggressive behaviour. She is a loving kid, but her expression of love is slightly different. She pulls my cheeks, and touches her forehead to mine...that's her way of showing love. She does not hug or go kissy-kiss like others.  One time, a girl attempted a bear hug. She got slapped. Other time, my daughter pulled at someone's lovie (or lovey?), the kid burst out crying, and my kid burst out smiling.  Figlia is attached to one of the caretakers, and she does not let any other kid rest their hands on this lady. She will immediately come and push the kid away. I sometimes spend time at the daycare, and what I have found is that if I take some other kid, or play with someone else, Figzy will come and mark her territory, but if I play with both Figs and the o...

~TMI Alert~TMI Alert~TMI Alert~TMI Alert~TMI Alert~ My periods started yesterday. It became CD1. It's not my first period post-pregnancy, but I am officially entering active TTC, so it does mean something.  I realized that I am nervous about my periods (not just this one, but otherwise as well). Every time, I am worried that I won't be able to check the flow. The nature of my bleeding, and my relationship and attitude has changed after what happened post-pregnancy #1 , and then again post-pregnancy #2 .  I still have eight day periods, when for a long time, it was just five days. The last three days are light and there is sporadic spotting, but I have to wear protection.  \ I tend to combine wear t@mpon and p@d through the first four days, and then just a p@d for the remaining. Ta.mpons have made my life easier, and the bleeding manageable. I hadn't used tampons prior to 2009, and they are such a life-saver now. My embarrassing question(s) to you:...

We will. I will.  I think so. Yes. Ummm...but. More yes. Doubt # 1.....Doubt #2....Doubt #3......Doubt #1894 Ask some more people...ask.  Since its given that I will not do this endlessly, that deferring for no clear reason is not any good as it pushes the envelope into the gutter, and that disruption is a disruption any day, now or in the future. My Met.formin is here, so is the @spirin. Mic.ronutrients and B12 Supplement will join the fruit party later.  We plan to start after the departure of the March-end houseguests.  I have a feeling that I will be pregnant again. I will see those two lines.  The last time I did it, water filled my nostrils. I got scared and swam up to the surface, breathing and gulping air, hard and fast. For the rest of the summer. I did not stop leaping off the board. I would just close my nose with my fingers and jump. The question was just the jump. Once I took off, there was no fear. I was p...

I saw a pigeon fallen still on the pavement skirting the boundary wall of our compound. The rush of sadness I felt does not compare to the nothing I felt on hearing the passing away of a colleague's father. I attended the official condolence. I maintained the somber mood of the gathering, but I just did not experience the instantaneous glum I experienced when I saw the lifeless pigeon today.  I have my reservations about this colleague. Is it too cruel of me to not be affected by her father's death? I feel bad about not feeling bad enough. No one convened a meeting when my child passed away. No one skipped their cabins and gathered to mourn the death of a human being. The board room did not turn into a gathering of ashen faces - real and put-on, to acknowledge the child gone.  Some of my colleagues knew about her death before I did. Some memories just get roused. --- It looked like this in 2008 " This cycle, an IUI is being planned. ...

I am having bouts of cold feet on the rinse-repeat of TTC again.  Bouts because, some moments, I am absolutely sure I want to do this and that I am up for it. Some moments I wonder if I am on some sort of fake high, and that once I become pregnant, I will end up wondering why I did this.  There is a big range of questions racing through my veins: Q1. Will I be able to be as consistent about my efforts in TTC, as I was in the last two times?                 a) Pertinent because my nature makes me lax if I already reasonably have what I want.               Q2. How many cycles would it take for me to succeed?                 a) Who can answer this?                 b) I am pretty sure of when I am going to skip this TTC trek. So, will it make me madder and madder if I keep getting close to the deadline, and not achi...

Last night was markedly different because after several nights, I finally spent one where I was not dreaming of being pregnant, or of the cousin of DH who became a first-time mum recently. Specifically, I kept dreaming of her little girl.  --- The someone who labelled me a quick conceiver , advised DH a couple of months back that we should't try for a kid for some interval. I came to know of this, a couple of days back.  I do not want a child just because of spite for her opinion. But really, I do not want to be compared by that someone's circumstances of reproductive history.  I have had it.  So when I told my hubby that he should not tell the someone about our desire to try again, his straight question was if I haven't as yet shared bits with my mother. The truth is, I have. But that does not justify why he needs to reveal too.  --- I am definitely less anxious this time around. It will still mean that I will make my best efforts t...

So hubby and I had a talk. It was a talk in several parts. In fact, one time the trail of the conversation was when I was getting poo off daughter's bum. In consensus, there is mutual willingness to try for another kid.  DH wishes to actually try post-May. And because my obedience is legendary, I have decided to interpret that as immediately.  I am yet to consult whether Auntie Metformin, Auntie Asp.irin and Uncle Micro-nutrients (MAM) would be playing with us this time as well.  Currently, we are not on any 'this is a fertile time' schedule. We are doing things the normal way. In March, when the 'this is a fertile time' will come, we will have house-guests, will be travelling and will be out of our comfort zones.  In April, I will be finally at the helm of something at work, and the event will be primly at the 'this is a fertile time'.  Effectively, it will be May before we actually get to sway some freedom during th...