Scriber's Web

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you all have exciting plans this weekend.

My plan was to go to a Texas Winery with a friend and have dinner there. But the plans fell through.

So instead I will be hanging out at home, painting and puttering around. I may do some exercise. Ha ha. Watch out world!

To inspire myself, I reader the latest Reader's Digest and read some fitness related quotes.

Here are my favorites:

I really don 't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen DeGeneres.

I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers.

No one ever went to their deathbed and said, "you know, I wish I had eaten more rice cakes." Amy Krouse.

So there you have it.

What are your plans this weekend?

The Proposal

On a bright and sunny day, the Purple Cowboy went to see the Good Daughter. And gave her a big Red Diamond ring.

"You are the only one for me. Marry me Sweet Pea!"

"I can’t live without you. I think about you 24/7"

"I will give you Bliss."

"I will use my Strong Arms"

"To build you a house made of Brick."

"Where flowers will Bloom."

"And Ladybug Red will fly."

"Marry me and give me some Serenity!"

The Good Daughter gasped and said, “But will you Love My Goat?”

To be continued next Monday...

So this is my pet bird. She is a grey monk parakeet. Her name is Birdie and she adopted us.

A few years ago, she flew into our backyard. I stepped out of my house and my neighbors were in my front yard. They were trying to catch this bird. She was barely flying and was landing on cats and dogs to play with them. The cats were trying to eat her but she had no clue. They could tell that it was a pet bird that had escaped and had no outside survival skills. She would become cat food if we did not help. So we did. They caught her.

My neighbor did not want her as a pet. She had 6 cats and 2 dogs. So I volunteered to take her. My neighbor asked me, "Don't you want to ask your hubby? You may have to keep her forever." And I said, "Naah... He'll accept it."

So walked into my house with the bird and said, "Hello! I have a present for you." Ha ha. I am clever sometimes.

My hubby instantly took control of the situation. She was biting everyone but he talked to her and soothed her. He gave her water and some bread. I could tell that he made an instant connection and was in love.

We tried to find the owner but never could. We called her Birdie because we did not want to get emotionally attached to her. We still call her Birdie.

I don't like to keep birds in cages. So we let her roam around. She wasn't really flying. Just hopping around. I did not want to clip her wings. To me, that was inhumane.

Until....

One day my hubby was out of town for work. Birdie decided to fly around. Which was fine until she landed on my younger son's shoulder and latched on to his ear. She was biting him hard and would not let go.

So what's a Mom supposed to do? I grabbed a broom and tried to swat Birdie off. My intention was to use the soft side of the broom to disengage her. I tried. But I ended up hitting my son with the broom. He was not happy. "Mom stop! You are not helping me!"

So essentially, my son was being bitten by Birdie AND I was hitting him with a broom. How many people have I offended by now?

All this happened in a matter of seconds. Birdie got bored with the ear and finally flew off some place else.

So we did what any normal people would do. We all ran upstairs to my bedroom and shut the door.

I made a frantic phone call to my hubby and said, "I don't care what you are doing but you need to come home right now. Birdie is attacking us. But don't worry because we are safe in the bedroom."

Did I get any sympathy from him? Nope. He found the whole situation very funny. Then gave me mathematical numbers about how much we weigh and how much the Birdie weighs. I hate math. Not funny at all.

We were locked up in my bedroom for a couple of hours until my hubby came and subdued Birdie.

He said: I can't believe that you were held hostage by a bird.

I said: Get the wings clipped tomorrow.

Birdie loves my hubby and hates me with vengeance.

I could tell that she came from a very decedent environment. She likes to eat from people's plates. She likes alcohol. Yes she does. Not that we give her any. But she will attack those wine glasses. Here is proof...






No we don't let her eat off our plates or give her alcohol. But that doesn't stop her from attacking our stuff. She demands that she sits on our coffee table when we sit and watch TV. She is a diva.

Some days I ask myself, "How did I end up with such an eccentric bird? Why don't I get to be a diva?"

An alert reader brought this to my attention so I had to share this list with you...

Top 10 things not to do at an office holiday party:

• Wear too much makeup. I mean Tammy Fay kinda makeup. This applies to men too. Only rock stars can wear eyeliner.
  
• Wear skimpy clothes and let the girls hang out. For men, unless you are working for a rapper, don't show up wearing rapper clothes with a ton of bing. Nope. Not attractive. Reeks of mid-life crisis.
  
• Carry ziplock bags and stuff it with goodies. Don't pretend it is for the dog. No one will believe you.
• Flirt with a coworker in front of the spouse. I mean how stupid is that?
• Ask anyone if they are pregnant. Including men.
  
• Do the macarena on a table. Period.
  
• Have a make-out session in public when everyone knows you are married with children.
• Puke.
  
• And last but not least, don't use empty wine bottles to fill them up with the beer so you can take it home. Trust me. Someone will catch you. On camera.
  

On a cold and dark night, the Purple Cowboy went to the Good Daughter's house like a Ghost Rider to deliver Christmas presents at her door step.


He went on his Electric Reindeer.



He wanted the Good Daughter to have all the lovely presents with Bells and Whistles.




So he bought her the entire set of Encyclopedia.



And a Rock Rabbit.


And hopefully the best, Four Emus.


If this wouldn't make the Good Daughter love him, nothing would.

I got an irate email from a beer drinker yesterday. And I must share it with you…

Dear Scriber’s Web

Why are you promoting only wine? Drinking Beer is good for the economy too. You need to provide equal time to beer. You are not being fair to the beer drinkers and the beer manufacturers everywhere in the world. You must correct these actions immediately.

Unhappy,
John

Dear Unhappy John,

You are correct. I am devoting more time to wine because I like them more and have lots of fun gathering wine names. Beer is less palatable to me and certainly does not have as amusing names as wine. It is my blog and I will write what I will write.
But, being nice, I will dedicate the following photograph to beer drinkers everywhere

Carry Beer. Not Guns.





Happy now?

A ton of folks asked me how I find these wines with really strange names for my wine opera. I won't bore you with the details but will share conversations I had with my son. Good thing that he can drive and is over the legal age.

Scene 1: At home

Me: So, you want to drive me to the grocery store?
Son1: Sure Mom.... Umm... why are you taking your camera?
Me: Because I take it everywhere with me.
Son1: Ok. Let's go.

Scene 2: Grocery store wine section

Me: OMG! Look at that! Can you please cover me so I can take pictures?
Son1: Of what? Mom! You can't be serious!
Me: Just cover me.
Son1: You know Mom you are not supposed to do that.
Me: Just cover me. I'll be very fast and no one will notice.
Son: Mom!!! you know that I am planning to become a lawyer and then maybe go in politics. I can't have a Mom who is caught for felony. Plus this is so embarrassing.
Me: Stop overreacting. I won't go to jail. I'm not shop lifting. I'm only taking photos. I'll be very fast. And why in the world did you have to pick two of the most hated careers? I have skeletons in my closet. OMG. Look! Another one...
Son1: Mom do you realize that I could have been a president and changed the global policies. But I can't if you go to jail.
Me: Stop being so self absorbed and lighten up. IF you go into politics, I will go to rehab. All sins are forgiven if you go to rehab.
Son1: You mean there is rehab for photography?
Me: Well of course not for photography. But I'll find something. We'll take care of it when the time comes. If you'd let me shoot without interruptions we could be gone by now.
Son1: OK Mom. That's it. We are leaving. If you don't come with me right now, I will leave and send Dad to pick you up. This is so embarrassing.
Me: OK. Be that way. Let's go home. You are no fun!

Scene 3: Drive Home

Son1: Mom you have to promise me that you won't do anything crazy like that again. I worry about you. All you have to do is get some cards printed and ask for permission before you take photos.
Me: OK. You promise me that you won't marry someone unless I give you permission.
Son1: Mom! Please stop!


Scene 4: Son1 leaves and calls home

Son1: Are you keeping your promise? You are not doing anything crazy are you?
Me: Nope I am not. I asked for permission before I took photos.
Son1: See? That wasn't that bad was it? I am so proud of you Mom.

After I was done talking to him, it hit me.

When did our roles reverse?

I am having way too much fun with the wine soap operas and thought you might be interested in joining me.
If you are interested, write up a wine story on your blog and post it. You must use at least 10 wine names. Post a comment here with a link to your post. If it is R rated, let us know. OK?

The deadline for this is November 24.

I'll give away my 2009 Cabos Calendar to one of the bloggers who posts this story. If no one blogs about this, oh well...

Here is a list of the wine names you can use in the story:

• Good Daughter
• Purple Cowboy
• Monogamy
• Promisquios
• Menage a Trois
• 5 Friends
• Red Guitar
• Red Bicyclette
• Red Truck
• Horse Play
• Toasted Head
• Oops
• Valley of the Moon
• Vampire
• Were Wolf
  
• 3 Saints
• White Truck
• Relax
• Saint Amour
• Mad Housewife
• S.O.B (Sun of a beach)
  

On a dark and stormy night, the Good Daughter left home in the middle of the night.





She raced to the Valley of the Moon.






To meet her 5 friends.




In the middle of the forest, she saw a Vampire.





And a Werewolf.

She was terrified.





Help me please! She prayed to the 3 Saints.





Suddenly out of nowhere, she saw a big White Truck.





And to her rescue, came the Purple Cowboy.





Relax! He said. I'll take care of you.





And he thanked Saint Amour for his good luck.

On a bright sunny day, the Good Daughter





went to meet her Five Friends.





She took her Red Guitar





and sped off on her Red Bicyclette

.



On her way, she ran into the Purple Cowboy.





He drove a big Red Truck. (OMG- Check out the cost of this wine. It is cheaper than decent vinegar.)



He was interested in a little Horse Play.





Stop! Or I'll turn you into a Toasted Head.





But he didn't listen. So she turned him into a toasted head.

Oops! She said as she sped off the meet her friends.

This weekend I decided to take my camera to a store and take some photos of wines with interesting names.

And I got all kinds of mixed signals.

Meet wine number 1: Monogamy

I recommend you buy this and give it to a cheating spouse. As a passive aggressive reminder. We know you are cheating and you need to stop right now. Remember monogamy?

Avoid giving it to your own spouse unless you think she/he is cheating on you. It will just be confusing.






Meet wine number 2: Promisqous

Do not give it to a cheating spouse. Never ever to be served with the lovely Cabernet Monogamy.

On second thought, give it to a cheating spouse accusing him or her of being promiscuous. That will teach them!






Meet wine number 3: Menage a Trois

See! I told you that you would not believe me if I told you. You have to see this to believe it.

This wine reminds me of George Costanza in Sinefield. Anyone remember that episode?






So my dear friends there you have it. For now. I got mixed signals. No matter what lifestyle you chose, there is wine for you to drink.

I however came home with this:

I am finally delivering on my promise. I do care about the economy. And you my thousands and thousands of blog readers.

So yesterday, I finally picked up some cheap wine. Typically, when I am buying wine, I pick up my favorite (Woodbridge Chardonnay) and leave. On rare occasions, I'll pick up some fancy wine to try it out. Yesterday was a very special occasion. After all, the responsibility of the wine makers, wine drinkers, and the economy world-wide rested on my shoulders.

So I paid special attention to all the wines that were available. And let me tell you, the wine makers must get kudos for coming up with wine names. I can write months of posts on just the wine names. You won't believe me if I tell you. I'll just have to post photos.

I picked this nice wine, S.O.B. Sun of a beach. Cost? $ 6.98. It is a nice Cabernet made in California. Wouldn't it make a wonderful statement if I gifted the wine to certain SOBs in my life?" I got you wine. S.O.B." In the name of economy, I encourage you to buy the wine and give it to all the SOBs in your life.

But I digress.

I took photos of the wine and opened it up. I was planning on drinking it all but my hubby jumped on my "let's save the economy" bandwagon. So I had to share.

I took a sip and actually liked it. Now here is where you are expecting me to say clever stuff like how fruity it was, how I could taste the grapes from Tuscany, and how I could taste a hint of cinnamon so here goes. Blah, blah, blah. It was decent wine. I wish I knew about it when I was watching the Vice Presidential debates and I was playing the drinking game.

S.O.B. Can the election end NOW?

So there you have it. Drop whatever it is you are doing right now and go buy the S.O.B wine. Buy it for yourself, for relatives, for in-laws, for frenemies, for the wine makers, and for the economy.

Together, we can save the economy.

A recent scientific study (I heard this in the hallway) shows that because of the current economy crisis, folks have stopped drinking wine. They opt for either beer or hard liquor. Wine is supposedly more expensive. Beer is beer and hard liquor gives more bang for the buck.

The wine makers everywhere are very very worried. How are they going to survive? Who is going to buy that 45 dollar bottle of wine? Who bought a 45 dollar bottle of wine in the first place?

I on the other hand worry about the cost of a wine bottle. Will it go up? How will I survive? Will I have to give up wine and start sipping on bourbon?

So this weekend, I am going to do some research. For you and the wine drinkers and the wine makers and the economy. I am going to buy some inexpensive wine, drink it, and post a blog about inexpensive wines. Something under 10 dollars. I was thinking of buying 10 bottles of wine. 5 reds and 5 white. But I think my hubby will probably freak out if I buy 100 dollars of wine. So I will settle for 2 reds and 2 white.

This will be my contribution to the economy. Drink wine and prosper. And assure all my blog readers that you can drink wine. Even during an economy crisis.

See how nice I am?