The Sassy Slumbering Girl

One self-awareness class at school has made me think hard about the "unfinished business" I have with myself. It's stuff like this that you sweep under the carpet that makes you go through sudden spurts of grief, something you can't really explain yourself.

I figured if I want to help others next time, I need to help myself first because the stuff that happens to me colours the way I see other people's problems. And in a way, I think blogging is helping me to articulate my unspoken feelings in a less confrontational manner - I don't need to tell anyone in person, and that makes me feel safe. (I know the whole world can read it, but it's helping me, so what the heck.)

I have decided to join a suicide survivors support group started by the Samaritans of Singapore. Attended a one-to-one get-to-know-you session with an elderly counsellor on Saturday.

In a way, even through that 45-minute session, I managed to suss out some reasons for my difficult-to-explain sadness. I'm beginning to realise that although I am plagued by guilt from my grandpa's suicide, I'm also suffering from the cumulative effects of have lost three loved ones to death. And also perhaps reasons for bottling my grief within myself, and my frustration at why deaths have to result in unpleasant repercussions in other pple's lives.

I believe I need to come to a point where I can talk about my sadness without bursting into tears. I really hope that in some way, the support group will help.

I need to find some closure, that's for sure.

And I must say, it was damn scary taking that first step.