It's a Smalling World

**I feel the need to say that we both love both places...but this is our struggle!**

Green acres is the place for me.

Farm livin' is the life for me.
Land spreadin' out so far and wide.
Keep Nash-vegas, just give me that countryside.

Nashville is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a Crieve Hall view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Oakley Avenue.

...The chores....The stores.

...Fresh air...Town Square.

You are my wife.

Good bye, city life.

Green Acres we are there!

The last couple of days God has really driven home the obvious fact that I need to get outside of myself to get out of this funk I'm in. I've come across a couple of things just since yesterday that have knocked me upside the head, so to speak.

First, I have Living Proof Ministries blog (Beth Moore) on Google Reader and although I've not been reading blogs very diligently lately, I did "happen" to open this one Saturday and read it. And I think it's a challenge God is asking me to accept. I hope you'll accept it too. It sure can't hurt!

Then later that day, in the shower (usually the only quiet time I get), I was thinking about the times that I have gone through major times of struggle ("the funk"), and it occurred to me that the 3 times I can pinpoint clearly were immediately following times where I was unusually devoted in my relationship with God and where I was in very good communication with Him (in the Word and praying LOTS) and really felt led by Him. And just as I felt I was finally getting a grip on our relationship and expecting great things, something happened that left me feeling blindsided, doubting everything I had just been through. Doubting that I could really trust Him with my life. And in all of those cases, I can look back (although not very far back this time) and see how satan immediately stepped in and threw a fit in my life. OH did he EVER. And I let him. I wrapped myself up in it and wallowed around. Let myself throw a big baby hissy fit right there with him. Became so self-absorbed that I couldn't see past my own hurt feelings.

The good news is, it appears that my recovery time is decreasing. Oh, trust me, I'm hanging onto whatever glimmer of even a hint of a speck of maturing that I can find in this process. There's plenty of mess here. I'm trying to find something positive, so just go with me here. 'Kay? 'Kay. Thanks.

So after my shower (yes, it was a long shower, but my kids were already in bed), I checked blogs before going to bed and "happened" to read Tiffany's. I could totally relate to the last paragraph, and felt so encouraged to know that my sweet, preacher's wife friend was right there in the same boat. And reading her thoughts solidified in my mind that God was trying to point us (me) to HIS WORD. As always. There's no magic bullet. I don't know why I can trust so fully in it when things are good and when He is working clearly in my life, but when I hit a bump in the road, that knowledge somehow gets ejected from my brain. Not surprising, but still frustrating.

Then this morning, another Deaton spoke God's Word straight to me. PRAISE GOD. (I accidentally typed "gold" first...that would not have been a good typo) As in, literally PRAISING GOD is the appropriate offense against satan's attacks. Yes, I meant offense. I'm ready to take back ground, not just defend what little I have left.

And then, as if that weren't enough to blog about, as I'm typing this out, I put in my new Brandon Heath CD (yes, I am the last person on earth without an Ipod) thinking, "'Give Me Your Eyes' will be a great soundtrack for blogging" (which it is), and track 3 comes on and I had to take a break from the blogging to check the lyrics and make sure my ears were not deceiving me. Because I cannot fathom another song that could have spoken so directly to what I was typing at that exact moment...I was in paragraph 3 ALREADY typing, "Doubting that I could really trust Him with my life"...yes, really.
I can't walk without watching where I'm going...I can't speak without knowing what to say...
I can't love and have any hesitation...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...
I can't reach without something to offer...I can't come now, I am so ashamed...
I can't hold out on You any longer...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...

(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
You took Your life and gave me Yours...There's no reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...

It's never easy changing direction...It's so unnatural to loosen up my grip...
Are You growing weary of all my good intentions?...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...

(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
You took Your life and gave me Yours...There's no reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...

Some days the weight upon my shoulder is my shame...I know I should do better...'Cause You say...That I must now surrender...There's no other way...

(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
I needed life, You gave me Yours...There's no good reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...
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SOOOOOO....all of that to say, I hope you, WHOEVER YOU ARE, will first follow the links here (there are lots, I know), and then come back here and comment. Whether it is to just say HI, or to share that you are committing to the Scripture challenge, or to let me know you're praying for the Deatons, or to PRAISE HIM for whatever is going on with you, or to say that you also love Brandon Heath's music or WHATEVER...I could use some comments to jumpstart me back on the blogging straight and narrow! And I will not complain if you would like to pray that I can do more praising and less self-pitying in the coming days (weeks-months-years).

Once again, I have confirmed that I am indeed a Republican. No, not because I voted for McCain (which I did), but because I HATE CHANGE! I hope in the near future, I will be enough adjusted to the changes that I can look back and see what in the world this is all supposed to mean. Right now it's hard to see past today and I'm just kinda stuck--with my fingers in my ears, singing lalalalala until the dust settles. I have not felt much like blogging about anything really, but especially about the move. It is hard for me to say what I think without whining and without getting overly dramatic. I think it would be fair to say I'm in a funk. A funky funk. I'm sure I will snap out of it at some point. I'll let you know when that happens. For now, I'm going to continue ignoring the elephant in the room (that we are allegedly moving in 2 weeks) and try to resume the posting. And I promise it will be happier than this particular post. The end.

I started "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore today FOR THE 3RD TIME(edited to add: I have not yet completed the study...the key here is that I have STARTED it 3 times now). God has already spoken to me on DAY ONE through this study in a new and fresh way (FOR THE 3RD TIME). In a worldly sense, this week is possibly the worst ever, with Gerald's funeral just behind us and the 2nd anniversary of Ruby's death looming before us. Yet somehow it is already one of the most precious of my life. Experiencing God's faithfulness after losing Ruby, I am waiting in almost eager anticipation of what God will do now through yet another trial.

Lest it appear that I "have it together" in any way, shape or form, I'll confess that my baby is screaming in his bed and I am ignoring him to blog. Jack may or may not be eating ham straight out of the refrigerator. I just had to share the conversation (initiated through the homework from the Bible study) I had with God a few minutes ago...please read the link. I am amazed and thankful that He speaks so clearly, even through this here internet.

Lord,
Alter me from the inside out. Manifest the character of Jesus genuinely in my everyday life.
Melanie

Melanie,
I AM. Here's what I ask of you:
1. Be honest.
2. Dig deep.
3. Get serious.
4. Try harder.
5. Fall apart so I can piece you back together.
God

The grandmas (and grandpas, too, I guess) gave me a wonderful gift this Memorial Day weekend...they took all three kids home with them! My parents got back into town late Fri night/early Sat morning! Yah-hoo! Jared drove the kids to BG Saturday afternoon and Jack and Maddy stayed with his folks and Noah got his "own" visit with Dani and Poppi. You can read here and here about what was going on in BG while Jared and I had the house to ourselves here. There was much dining out, visiting with friends, and elevating of the extremely swollen feet (that last one was just me). We did purchase some bookshelves for the living room from craigslist, but other than that, we did not do much productive. That's not true: a weekend to actually converse with my husband without interruption from kids was very productive! Our anniversary was yesterday, so we ate out Saturday night for our "anniversary" meal at Rafferty's and I actually ate ribs! Not a meal that can be eaten with kids present, since I make my own big mess...so it was a nice change. We laughed at my general largeness and the fact that waiters and people wherever I go either comment on my poor swollen feet, make some comment alluding to the fact that surely I must be WAY overdue, or sympathetically offer some kind of help or special treatment I would not normally be offered. Jared commented that people were going to think he must be a really great guy to be taking this poor unwed mother to dinner, since I wasn't wearing my wedding ring (thank you, swollen fingers) AND we were talking and laughing and having way too much fun to be the old married couple that we are! We did have an especially good time together.

I know the next few weeks will be very difficult, adjusting to a big change in our life, not sleeping well, etc, but I am so thankful for the husband God has given me. I would not want, nor could I imagine, living this life without him by my side. While putting books on the new-to-us bookshelves, I came across our workbooks from the "Dynamic Marriage" course we took a few years ago. Reading our thoughts back then, I realize how far we've come as a couple and a family. Not that we don't have a LONG way to go, but I am SO GRATEFUL, so humbled, so amazed at how God has brought us so much closer, especially the past year and a half, since Ruby died. In reliving those emotions through other peoples' recent tragedies, I've been so reminded once again of how easy it would have been for Satan to drive a huge wedge between us, and how GRATEFUL I am for a husband who did not busy himself with work, or find excuses to be away from home, or worse, but instead dealt with his grief WITH ME, by my side, loving our kids, talking to them when all I could do was cry and hold them, pouring himself out to God...and doing the same FOR me when I could not even do that for myself. He was my earthly rock, because he was leaning fully on the only true Rock. He bridged the gap for me, when I could not form a coherent sentence or even bear to cry out to God myself, in those early weeks when I was doing well to remember to breathe. I don't know that I will ever be able to fully thank him or express to him how much he means to me. Even saying that sounds so cliché and falls so far short of what I feel.

Well, Maddy is now having a turn at Dani's and Poppi's and I hear she's sewing her first dress. Of course it's a "water fairy" dress (your guess is as good as mine) because she is a water fairy. I'll be sure to post pictures or link to Mom's if she does.

They're also keeping Libby, the Boston Terrier, while David and Maggie are on vacation, so Maddy was excited to share that they have Poppi outnumbered 3 to 1, while I suffer here outnumbered by the boys 3 (almost 4!) to 1.

I guess that's all the random thoughts I have for now. Still no more progress on the baby front, but I appreciate your prayers for baby Luke's quick and safe arrival!

You need to read this. Okay, I needed to read this. Whether or not you have losses like this in common with her, the last 2/3 say so much of what is stewing around in my brain that I lack the communication skills to coherently think, much less convey in words.

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/2008/04/fine-line.html

I started blogging as a way to express myself, to get my thoughts down, and of course to remind myself of the crazy things my kids do on a daily basis. Somehow, the kids have taken over. It's just easier to write about the fun and funny things they do and say and how I feel about that. This started as a catharsis in my journey through losing Ruby. I kept a journal from the time she died and eventually I quit journaling and began blogging. I sit down at the computer many times and plan to share something personal or what is really on my heart and then I convince myself that I don't have the emotional energy to do that, and that I'm just not in the mood for more seriousness.

I'm so tired. So is everyone else. I feel like God has been giving and giving and giving to me for so long through so many people and I should be so full of Him that it would be evident in my life. And then I look at my life and it's kind of the opposite. I still feel like I'm taking and taking and taking. I can look at this last year or so and see that He has brought me to a different place spiritually, in relationship to Him, than I have ever been before. I see what He has given me, how He has drawn me to Him, how faithful He has been to me even though I've done nothing to deserve it. And I've praised Him for that like never before. I adore Him. He is awesome. When I get to heaven, I'd like some portion of eternity to be spent rockin' my baby Ruby, since I haven't gotten to do that here, but then there's nothing I want more than to sit at His feet in worship. Forever. And ever. It's not that He hasn't brought me a long way. It's just that apparently, I had a really long way to go, because I still feel like I've only taken a baby step toward Him.

And somehow I can't get past the adoration of Him. That's safe. I know He accepts me, enjoys my fellowship (I don't know WHY, but I trust He DOES). It's all the other people in the world that He wants me to serve. I don't wanna. I just want to stay safe in my cocoon I've built, praise Him, get through life. That sounds really bad when I put it like that.

Boy, have I got it backwards! I KNOW in my head that He asks for my first fruits for a reason. Duh! Because that is how I am truly filled so I can pour out to others. I've been trying to give out of my own supplies, and they are just depleted. There's never quite enough. So I know this, but why don't I just do it? I can look back on a thousand times in my life when I put Him first (usually because I was so depleted that I had no other choice), and HELLO...HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL! Always. Completely. Faithful.

Always. Completely. Enough.

Enough to bless my husband with the respect and attention he deserves. Enough to mother my children and not just provide daycare. Enough to care for the material blessings which He has made me responsible for now. Enough to be hospitable to my extended family, neighbors, and others God puts in my path. Enough to not see the little bit of missions translating and volunteering at school as burdens, but to see them as the acts of service that they are. Enough to take me out of my little tiny circle of safety and show me ways to serve Him daily through looking beyond myself and my family.

Every few months, my friends and I beat ourselves up for how self-centered and child-centered we've become and how we manage to be "salt and light" to our kids (sometimes) but certainly are not to the world. We wander through our day, rushing to the next event, or spending the day at home with our children dictating everything we do. We justify this by saying that "it's just because our children are young" or "our home IS our mission field"...which are both true. If I served the whole world and ignored my family, I'm pretty sure God would hold me accountable for that oversight. But we beat ourselves up, and then never make any changes. Me included. I have no fresh insights on what to do on a daily basis to get out of my kid-rut. I just SO want for my children to at least see me trying to get out of my "comfort zone" and live like I really believe and trust and have faith in what Jesus tells us. He doesn't give me a "get out of jail free card" on being a mom. He asks me to be a servant. To give. And then to give some more. And to have faith that He will provide. He will fill me back up when I am depleted. But not so I can sit around and enjoy being full, but so that I can praise Him for His faithfulness and then give it all away again.

So how can I do that? I know no one else can answer specifically for me. I'm asking Him this too, privately, because I know He will show me what He wants from me right now. But does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas?

My mom published her poem to her glory-grandbaby Ruby on her blog. Just wanted to share the link because it's a very precious post. I have also been thinking about her a lot...well, I always do, but a little differently I guess since being pregnant again. I still love and treasure the verse at the top of the blog. It means even more now as I realize how perfect God's timing is. I found/He showed that verse BEFORE Blueberry came along, BEFORE we'd even "decided" to "try" for another baby. And I am so thankful that He gave me that peace and joy in HIM ALONE, and not just because I was pregnant again. That peace was a lot of the reason we decided we could take another chance and know we'd be okay. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble, but I'm just so touched by Mom's message and her honesty and encouragement. I'm so thankful for her! And for each of you.