Life is a journey: thoughts

Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts

Friday, March 04, 2011

the inevitable

When the ground under your feet has been removed, you either sink to the bottom of the ocean or you pray you have enough faith to walk on water.

Change is inevitable and must come for one to be shaken out of their comfort zone
and for one to grow.

The test of your true strength and faith comes not when all is well, but when all has fallen apart;
you then find the grace to stand again. And you find that you can.
And you find that God has His hand extended to you.

Oh God into your hands I commit the inevitable and trust in the Unchanging!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

As we get older...

As we get older, we realize how precious family and friends are. We try to make it back for the holidays, meet up with people just to catch a glimpse of our youth and how it used to be.

As we get older, we find that we are aging very fast and we have lesser and lesser time for the things we really should do - self improvement and rest, building relationships and reach out. We try make time for ourselves and become detached from others, or be the superheros we are not by squeezing in time for everything and lose part of our sanity.

As we get older, we find it harder to hang out too long or too late - our backs hurt, we get tired and grumpy. So we try to make the little time we have count and hang out on the right side of the clock.

As we get older, I hope too, that we become less easily offended or sensitive, more mature and compromising. We try, we try.

Happy Chinese New Year to all!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Acne dilemma

Recently I entered my second teenage phase - skin wise - and it irks me. "I'm too old for this" wells up and "why Lord?". Is this called aging or jus consequences of modern medicine? Ugh! And I thought it was over... I was so glad it was over. For once in my life!

So I'm starting the cycle all over again - pills, dry skin, etc. What else can I do? Besides the fact that it is very very expensive, what worries me the most is that my future baby might be affected! I don't want to have to face that. Having kids is important to me and I don't want to jeopardize that. Perhaps I should go for second opinion.

When will this ever end? bleh

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

tired of walking alone

After prayer meeting today, I slipped away from the crowd without saying anything to anyone. I walked to my car and sat in it alone. The silence drowned in and the world slowed down. Yea like the movies. I sat for an awkward silence before willing myself to simply move, and get away as fast as possible. But I continued to smile, because it was necessary and because it was expected.

I'm tired of walking alone on the road and tired of the crowd. Tired of sitting in deafening silence. Tired of being left behind or taken for granted. Tired of being nice and tired of being mean. Tired of feeling and tired of numbness. Tired of the endless unbreakable cycle. Tired of pretending and hiding and protecting. Tired of being strong and tired of being too weak. Tired of feeling tired too.

Perhaps that's why I leave the TV on and constantly find something to do, finding a way to drown out that thought. Perhaps it's easier to keep moving, faithfully doing what I need to do. And not ponder. Not wonder. But I'm tired of that too.

It used to be a tension between the fear of going at it alone and the desire for independence. I use to try to find that freedom of independence, yet hide behind the fear of the unknown tomorrow and world out there. It was a tension that could never be solved - perhaps should not be solved. But now, i'm just tired of trying.

What can I say? What do you deduce? It's no secret.

... Then an old familiar song came to mind 'tho none go with me, still I will follow'.... and the tiredness starts to blur. Perhaps I'm simply afraid of walking alone?

Monday, December 06, 2010

Silence not always golden

My blog has been silent for a very long time. Actually one month isn't all that long but in my record of blogging... rather long I suppose.

The truth is I've been busy. You can't imagine how things pile up sometimes and you don't find time for yourself that much. Every change I get I simply plop myself in front of the one-eye monster and zone into another world. Escapism it's called. There's been so much activities and simply things that needed to be done, so I faithfully hurried along doing everything that needed to be done. That's the way it is, isn't it?

But more than that. My spirit has sunken to a new low, where feelings and passion are being desensitized. I'm not sure I care that much anymore. I'm not sure I want to that much anymore. And it's ironic consider where my life is heading - it seems that I should gear myself up for it and prepare myself (and my heart) to deal with the challenges ahead. Cos I Do know where God is bringing my life to. (I mean where He's leading it to) but i simply can't find in my heart and spirit to. I wanna repel everything at the moment and sulk. Mayb it's fear that is gripping and paralyzing. Mayb it's disappointment in unfulfilled hopes and dreams and prayers. Maybe time and again the failures scream in my face. Maybe I'm just drowning or suffocating where I am? Maybe it's jus the entire transition process that is most difficult. Maybe it's just me.

But God oh God, I can't seem to reach You. God my Lord, I can't seem to want to. When the journey starts to loose it's light, how can then I continue to lead? How can I guide? Like the blind leading the blind, we'd fumble our way till I find you. Why oh God. What's wrong with me? How do I continue to put one foot in front of the other?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Shuga

I saw a news on a show called 'Shuga' that hit the streets of Africa for the young. It was a modern, hip and realistic show about young people and their lives, set in Nairobi. It's an effort by UNICEF and MTV to tackle important issues among young people, especially in Kenya. It brought up issues about safe sex, HIV, lifestyle and so on. Read more here.

It became an ambassador for HIV and Aids in Africa. HIV and Aids have been a leading problem in Africa for years with no hope. CNN reported that many young people identified and related with the characters in the show. Organizations took advantages of the message of the movies by promoting that young people get tested right outside the cinema that opens this show and the response have been tremendous. Surveys showed that 60% of Kenyan young people are into the show and are really looking at ways to change their own lifestyle to lead a better life. It was a young people telling young people thing, and it was really effective as a voice among the young.

I was impress at such a conscious and effective effort to make a difference in young people's life. I applaud the effort and look forward to a better world. Perhaps this is really the change that Africa needed. God is still working in this nation. And He will faithfully continue to work in this nation!

Friday, October 08, 2010

Amazing artistry across the evening sky

I was driving back, passing one of my favourite spots - its the heightest spot on the flyover where it feels like you're driving into the skies.

And then I saw this...

like the title says... it was like amazing artistry across the evening sky - only better. Like wow!

Picture does not do it justice.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Silent Retreat

So I just got back from a silent retreat, as is part of my course requirements. A 3D2N retreat at Fraser's Hill where we can't talk at all. Can't communicate in any way. It sounds like such a freaky thing to do in our age. How do you cut off everything and live in isolation for a period of time?

But it was rather relieving to just get away and not run after anything. To enjoy the beauty that God has created for us and to enjoy God through them. How cool is that? We should all get away now and then and just nourish our souls. I thank God for this opportunity. It really was a gift in this time and age when you can't catch a break sometimes.

Early this morning I was suppose to wake up at 6.00am for Morning Prayers. My alarm rang on time. And I rolled over to turn it off. Lying on my back I told my body to get up. I was all ready to get up and go.

Right about then, the whole silent world froze while time continued to tick by. Somehow I was completely unconscious of it nor have any form of memory about what happened. My theory is that professor X wasn't that far off and up to something in the mutant world.

Cos right then I turned to look once more at my clock. It was 6.25am. 25minutes had simply skipped by and I had no idea how. I don't remember falling asleep or waking up.

Later while napping after returning from morning prayers, it happened again. My alarm rang at 8.30am as planned. But a second look at the clock revealed that it was 8.55am instead.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just a little unwell

It's been over two weeks now and I'm still coughing up green mucus. Eww..
I caught the flu in china and it's really lingering...

Don't remember ever being sick so long in my life. Ugh what's wrong with me? God I just wanna get well. And a little voice says "perhaps you should use your common sense and bother to medicate yourself then huh" Oh Pfft.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Hope and meaning

I've heard about him some time back and even used it to motivate the youth. But it never fails to inspire me again. So watch the video below and be inspired!

So many times we focused our attention on our own needs and wants and lack and it really does make us more miserable. When we start to look within ourselves, what really did we expect to find? Something extraordinary? But when we begin to look out and beyond, and really hang our hearts on our sleeves, we find extraordinary meaning in the things we can do.

How long can I moan for an iphone or blackberry when there are many who do not even have telephone connected to their homes or that they do not have anyone who'd want to look for them to begin with. We must go, we must see, we must give, we must share, we must care. Then regardless of what I don't have, or what's been wronged me, or what issues I might have... it pales by comparison.

I've got to remember, as I remember my God-given dream, that it's not about how much I can withstand or bear. It has always been about Him.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Yes, it's my birthday yesterday

Yes it's another year. This time I'm not that excited. After all, my age is beginning to stare me in the face and scoff! And it's not that I feel old - I feel exactly the same - but the realization, I guess, is what gets to you. Hmm..

I woke up in the morning not know what to expect or even hope for. Not hoping for anything won't set me up for disappointment right? So that's what I decided to do. Woke up early enough, amazingly, and decided to take off early too. I was greeted by a beautiful sight - the sky was dotted by fluffy clouds that decorated the sky all the way to work. =) This may mean nothing to you, but it was a beautiful greeting by its Creator! I serve an awesome God!

What the world is coming to

What is the world coming to? In the news today, a primary school girl was raped by the school bus driver in front of other children passenger in broad day light. Fortunately for her, passersby heard the screams and came to her rescue. There was a time when these shameful crimes were done in secret but these days madmen emerges in the day. The vampires are no longer afraid of the sun cos they sparkle and not melt. That's the symbolism of today. It's not just a story.

in the Master's Hands

There are a lot of things I don't understand
But I'll leave it in the Master's hand
For to come up with my own plan
Would be the foolish alternative of every man
~Me

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He shall direct your paths
~Proverbs 3:5-6

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Who knows where this road will go
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear...
~"Journey to the Past", Aaliyah

When the reigns of life escapes my hand
And time slips through my fingers like sand
Heart take courage that the Lord will understand
And He will guide your ship safely to land
~Me

Friday, June 25, 2010

Church Camp Pre Trip-ers

This is a back blog. I've decided not to change the date of the blog.
Church Camp was June 13-16, 2010 in Summerset Resort, Rompin.

In writing about the past Church Camp, I've decided to write from a different slant. Everyone else is already talking about the events during the actual camp. Personally (and I'm not whining or grumbling) I was rather pre occupied and busy the entire camp that most of it escapes me. Except for the pleasure of being in the company of my peers (it has been quite a long time since).

A few of us were told to go ahead of the rest (a day early) to ensure all is in order and to fix the rooming which till then was yet to be released to us. This story is told to show what a pre team actually does.

So Winne, JoFo and myself, along with the little one hoped into the car and started our 3 hour journey to Rompin. Unc.Frankie and Philip packed into another van together with as much instruments as we can carry. 3 hours we were told, which did not sound all that bad. Of course, it really didn't feel like just three hours when you're traveling on trunk roads and passing hundreds of kampung houses in the pouring rain. In fact, for us, it was 4.5hours. But JoFo kept us entertained.

Upon arrival, of course, we checked out the resort and checked into our rooms. Although it did take rather long that for all that to happen, due to technical difficulties. The waiting was tiring. But in the course of time we managed to keep the equipment, check out the grounds, settle into a room (after that much waiting, any room would do), having dinner and meeting with the resort representative to discuss the finalization of the camp details on top of having to prepare stuff for the kids camp. That was for the night. My camera was fully utilized.

All these activities proved too much for us girls as we plopped in bed watching Tremor 4 and stuffing our faces with shoestring potatoes. *yum* Eventually we called it a night. The next day, I predicted, would be a long day. And I was right.

After a slow morning and a prolonged breakfast, and welcoming the team from the chinese department, we pursued the resort for the yet-to-be-given rooms. Finally with the list... we sat down to finalized the rooming. I wish to say it was only a matter of dividing and plotting but it was impossible to please everyone. With the limited resources and unfortunate circumstances at hand (late room and not the most ideal of positions), some people's need had to be overlooked. It was with the heaviest of heart. (Next time just pay more and get a place with elevator!)

Of course, that was not the only problem. Normally, we check every room to make sure it is okay before any of our members arrive to check in themselves. But if you're getting the keys at 4pm and some as late as 9pm, wouldn't you say its impossible and some rooms deemed unusable and has to be changed? And thus was my job. Anyone else wants my job?

More pictures and narration on Facebook.

Slacking

It's been some time since I posted a new entry. Looks like my hecticness did not end. But was it really busy-ness or laziness? I don't really know. Though it sounds contradicting, I think it's both.

Here's me trying to update my blog (for memory purposes) on what's been happening in the last 4 weeks or so. There was Camp, there was grandma's birthday, there is the Studying, and many random things in between like the baby bird hatching in the nest just outside, the visit to pearl132, chan wa band concert. I don't even know where to start....

*at this point, laziness begins to take over again. As @nne looks at the list of things to blog about and the amount of pictures stored in her camera, her mind begins to tell her she has no time for this right now. So she decided to postpone blogging again. Cell is, after all, in an hour*

Monday, May 31, 2010

A hectic weekend

Sometimes i wonder if we're busy cos we have that many things to do or we're busy cos we choose to be so. some of us are unfortunate to be force into such circumstances, some of us seek out such circumstances - consciously or unconsciously. I don't like the idea that i'm busy or am known to be that, but i do fill up my calendar. (a nicely filled up calendar gives certain satisfaction) Is it totally wrong to fill that life should not be wasted, that there is so much to do? Ironically I don't spend as much time doing my personal things (clear my hdd, do my shopping, etc).

Last weekend was one of those weekends. It was busy yet rather satisfying.

A fundraiser...

A wedding...

And dinner with the gals...

I've learnt to pace myself and enjoy it at the same time. So why would u think i'm miserable because I'm tired? I'm just tired cos I don't exercise enough for the right amount of stamina. But the things I do makes sense. Has purpose. And how many people can really say that? Not too many right?

However, on a side note, I do need to start doing a few other important things. Note to self. You don't need to know exactly what though.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Magnificient Views

Oh I suddenly remembered.... here's something that I simply must tell - be it to the world or to remind myself. A few days ago, it was a Sunday evening, my sisters and I were in a car heading for dinner with the family. The family being in a different car. We've outgrown the ability to fit into just one car (with the grandma and all). So over the ramps of S2 we went, against the backdrop of a setting sun. The scenery we beheld, because of a slightly longer drive we took, was enchanting.

A full semi circle rainbow shone proudly in the east. We could see both ends of the rainbow. As the sun began to set, turning the sky into a strong orangy-yellow, the rainbow's colour became even more vivid. What leaps in our heart when we see a rainbow? Is it not the drawings of an eight year old or a scientific experiment of a young teenager? But to see it strong and vibrant before us... took our breath away. Winne reminded me to fix my eyes on the road instead of to the skies. I thought of what the rainbow meant - a promise of the God Almighty, who created everything that lived and hold us in the palm of His hands, to never destroy the earth with flood again. Which is a relief cos who can stand against that? But it's more than that... it's an assurance that God loves this world so much... and He announces His love across the skies. What's more amazing then that we saw a second lighter rainbow outlining the first. Only a few inches (our measurements) above the main rainbow as if to emphasize its existence. WOW!

The sun was setting behind the cloudy evening sky. The clouds that rained just hours earlier and threatened to rain again, turned angry yellow. Its puffiness in the sky, however, did not give it the fierce impression that it should have. It gave passionate affect to the sun as it said its goodbye for the day. Streams of light shot brilliantly through the clouds in the west. The horizon was bursting with colours: white, yellow, orange, red, and grey. Lynne exclaimed that she should have brought her camera and that she shall get her DSLR for ocassions like these. Of course, none of us had a camera ready for occassions such is these. And that indeed was such a waste. Although I don't think I would have had the guts to be been stopping traffic just to take pictures have I brought one. But the sky was magnificiently brilliant - from east to west - the master artist was just putting his finishing touches. You could see the colour actually getting bolder as time went by (until before it became dark completely).

Of course this was not the picture that I took. I mean what's with the footballers in the stadium? But it was roughly how it look like when it started. Now just imagine yellowish puffy clouds behind the rainbow. The sun was setting on the opposite side, as I said earlier.

Wait, wait, there's more. The description is not over. After all we thought was already majestic, we saw lightning. Can lightning be plural since we saw more than one? Lightning split across the sky and struck horizontally and across the rainbow. Yes, from left to right, and not heaven to earth. Indeed! Those skinny electrical spikes continued to display its power - horizontally! Winne decided that it must be the end of the world. Lynne wondered if it's some kind of special day for such a show. Victor simply gaped at the sight, as did I. Well not as much as I wanted since I was driving.

But yea.. it was an awesome sight! I really wish you were there to see it.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Writer's Block

I think I'm having writer's block. I can't clearly think what to write for my blog. I had a couple of ideas but I either could not produce clear sane thoughts for it while sitting in front of the computer or it was deemed unsuitable (by myself) to be published.

Sure, things are happening in my life just too lazy to talk about, as I can't bring myself to emote it.

I feel really zoned out recently and can't get my head around things. It feels like I'm in a daze most of the time, fighting to focus on what's at hand. Even coffee isn't helping all that much. My heart finds it difficult to truly engage and my God feels slightly out of reach. I know He's there but I'm not reaching my hands out to grasp Him. My body feels weak and my head haunted by all kinds of voices. I feel imprisoned by the will of others around me, and I can't find my own. After years of following other wills, you begin to loose your own.

Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me...

I need to find my sense of being again... before it gets swept away by the current

Monday, May 03, 2010

Finished in 2 days

[edited]: I started this blog thinking I finished the book in 1 day. But realized a day later, that I had not taken Sunday into account. Sigh~

A new record! I finished reading a book in TWO days. unlike many insane bookworms, I'm a rather slow reader and can't usually finish within a day. Still can't apparently. and comics don't count. So I feel unusually proud of this rather insignificant achievement that I had to blogged it. *beams* Well it doesn't seem so significant now.. since it was TWO days instead of one.

Alright Alright I'll admit. I start reading 2 pages Sat night (after midnight so it's considered today, right?). Half the book on Sun and half on Mon. And the book has only 213 pages with probably size 14 font and 1.5 spacing. On top of that it's a children's book. Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys to be exact.

But it was the contemporary version and I thought it'll be interesting to see how the authors are keeping up with times. And they're doing a good job with the modern language and terms. Very enjoyable! It alternates the story from Frank, Joe and Nancy's perspective.

Excerpt from the book:

(Joe's perspective)
But [Frank] was also worried that one of the girls would say something to blow our cover here. And he was worried that he wouldn't know what to say to them. And he was worried that the dig supervisor would get mad at us for leaving our quadrants. And he was probably also worried about something totally irrelevant, like global warming. Frank worries a lot.

a journey that counts

It is not the things or the achievements in our life that makes our lives richer. It's neither just what you've done or where we've been that is prescribe as living. But rather what we do with what we have, how we love and smile and give, and who we are and have become that counts.

It is the journey, not the destination that makes life what it is. It is the hearts we touched, knowledge and experience gained, character we built of ourselves, and our relationship with our Maker... along the way.

May our life count for eternity and not what will fade away. May we seek to serve rather than to be served. May we learn to love and give with all humility instead of living in our own selfish gains. May we be challenged to make a difference and live a legacy instead of fading into nothingness. May we live everyday in God's grace!

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