The Olive Tree Community

Hey everyone. :) It feels like forever since I've written. Just as I thought we were finally beginning to mend, the rain has come and brought with it neck stiffness and pain, sinus pressure, and severe headaches. I woke up this morning with a sharp piercing through my eyebrows. I took some extra strength Tylenol and Mucinex, which has helped dull it a bit and relieve some of the pressure. I haven't been able to be on the computer for more than 5 minutes these past few days without it worsening. Sigh, I was hoping to be fully recovered by this weekend, but it seems as though I might be spending another weekend resting my eyes and head. I hope to start writing again soon and miss reading all of your posts each day. Hope you all have a restful and relaxing weekend.

Much love,
Erin

This afternoon the boys and I watched this stunningly beautiful and heart string pulling film..

"Le Ballon Rouge"- Albert Lamorisse


Which then reminded me of one of my favorite music videos..

"9 Crimes"- Damien Rice


Which then made me think of..

"99 luftballoons"- Nena


When you're done watching that, check out the new version (2002) and also Goldfinger's punk version.

And of course, we can't forget the "Scrubs" episode..

"99 red balloons"- Scrubs


And the the award for best balloon film goes to..

We're still on the mend, but the boys are starting to grow bored and restless from being stuck inside sick for the past week. So today while making a grocery list for the papa, I found some leftover dinosaur stickers (from my friend Kacy's dino-rific themed b-day party) in the back of my notebook (no idea why I stashed them there) but it inspired me to create a landscape out of construction paper so the boys could create a dino-land. You could easily do this with any other type of sticker too. (Ocean backdrop with sea creature/ fish stickers, cityscape with superhero stickers, etc..) After they were done sticking, my oldest use red crayon to turn the mountains into volcanoes and also added a sun in the sky and some fish in the river. I also had some extra shapes left over from the shape collages to add trees and additional landscape. So easy and inexpensive.. Have fun creating! :)

Wow, this week has been difficult. Thank goodness the papa doesn't have to work on the weekends and will be home to help take care of his family of sick-o's for the next two days. So, quick update, although not much has changed..

My oldest has been home from school all week and has kept us all up for several nights in a row with a horrible barking cough (at some point last night I lost compassion, put my pillow over my head and yelled in a muffled voice, "When is it ever going to end?? I just want to sleep!") We're going to have to suck it up and take him to the walk-in clinic in the morning. I always try to wait these things out and let sickness run it's course, but it's been a week and a half now and it seems to be getting worse. My sinus infection has morphed into the stomach flu and I spent most of my birthday yesterday throwing up. Awesome way to celebrate. Our little one mostly has a head cold with runny nose and cough now. Between him and I, we have gone through 2 boxes of tissues in two days. (One of the boxes was wrapped in rubber bands and turned into a guitar, for the boys' new band, "The ROCRS".. more on that later.) Our fevers, aches, and chills seems to be subsiding at least. We have no plans for this weekend other than to rest and continue healing. I am just so happy to have the panda here to help, it has been difficult trying to take care of the little birdies on my own while sick this week. I am sure many of you can relate, as it seems like the majority of people I know right now are battling with sickness themselves. I continue to pray healing and renewal over each of you.

Now onto a more fun and uplifting note!

My sweet and beautiful new friend Madeline at My boy and Me has tagged me in a game.

Here are the rules.. “Go into your photo archive, pick the 4th folder in the archive, select the 4th picture in the folder, and write about it. Then tag 4 other people to do the same”

Now, I have to warn you that my folders are a mess and in no particular order, so I knew that this would be interesting. But, here is what I found! It's a picture of my oldest making shaving cream drawings in the bathtub. This photo was taken about 2 years ago when we lived in Granville (also the residence of my beloved Amy Butler). Oh how I miss that sweet little village! It brought back so many memories. Someday in the future I'll have to post some more Granville Village pics.. you would all adore it! :)



Now, I guess I get to tag 4 of you. So.. I'm going to choose the last 4 friends who left comments on my blog (I'm sure you're all so happy that you did now. ha!)

Dong Dong- Adventures of Prime (W) and J
Mommy Kacy (www.sunshinemommy.today.com)
Elissa- Birch Swinging
A- itty bitty love

Bring on your photos and memories! :) Hope you all have a good and restful weekend.

Yes, today is my birthday and I still haven't come to terms with last year's big 3-0. Guess I need to get over it and move on since I'm obviously not getting any younger. I awoke this morning with what felt like shards of glass in my throat after another sleepless night of sick children and a pounding headache. Yay, happy birthday to me! I get to spend it wiping snotty noses and trying to keep down toast!

The papa did surprise me early yesterday with a bag full of goodies though. Wooden kitchen utensils from World Market, a bath pillow (since I seem to take like 5 a day lately), one of my favorite romantic flicks, "Knotting Hill", a gift card for Amazon, and oh.. a box of Mucinex (ha!) My mom also sent me a Target gift card in the mail which I plan to buy wrinkle cream with. I am not joking.. I know I need some but can never seem to get myself to fork over the money for the good stuff.

So, enough about wrinkles and disease. Let's talk about another concern of mine I've been having recently. FASHION confusion.

Most of the time it's not something I think about, since most days I am just at home with the kids. It is on the rare occasion that I go out with friends, or to a clothing store, that I start to become worried. It happened again this past weekend when the panda and I went to a used clothing store. We both sort of just walked around perplexed by our options. I'm not often in this situation, because buying clothes always seems to be on the back burner of important needs. But, my clothes are pathetic and falling apart so I decided I needed a few new somethings. But, what exactly?

In High School, I experimented a lot with fashion, trying on many different styles. I was obsessed with Kate Moss and Vogue and studying fashion. Finally reaching my 20's I felt like I knew what I liked and was happy and comfortable with my clothing choices. But the closer I got to 30 I started questioning my decisions. I'm pretty tiny, so I usually have to shop in the Juniors section of stores, but suddenly the clothes started looking too juvenile for me. So, then I would venture into the women's section only to discover that nothing fit right and looked a bit too old. Eventually I stopped shopping and went back to my trusted "grunge" look of a soft tee, worn in jeans, converse, and a sweater in the wintertime. And that's where I find myself stuck at now. It's okay during the week while home with the kids, but I am clueless what to wear when I need to look a little nicer.

Occasionally I find myself watching "What not to wear" and secretly wish that someone would nominate me. The panda is having similar issues. When I met him in H.S. he was a skater with big baggy clothes and a chain wallet. He now wears dress pants and a tie everyday to work and comes home in the evening to slip into his pj's. On the weekends he throws on his old favorite pair of jeans and a worn in long sleeve t-shirt. I'm sure you can just imagine us attempting to shop together.. and on a super tight budget no less. It was a frustrating experience. I ended up buying a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and cardigan and he left the store completely empty handed, as usual. I wonder if they have a couples "What not to wear"? Surely we should be nominated for that episode.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is.. has anyone else gone through this difficult transition in their 30's? Or is it just me? Seriously people, I am struggling with a clothing identity crisis here.

I love vintage clothes on other people and I LOVE LOVE pretty much everything at Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters, but can't afford the price tags! I try using those styles of clothing as inspiration to find something similar at thrift and vintage clothing stores, but just can't seem to pull it all together without looking too mismatched or overly eclectic. I feel like i don't know how to coordinate clothes anymore any am totally lost in the fashion department. How did this happen?

I know that when it comes down to it, clothing and fashion are not all that important. It's what's inside that counts.. yada yada. And it's not like dressing well is going to get me into Heaven or anything. But sometimes a girl just feels blah and wants to feel prettier and more confident in herself, you know?

Can anyone relate? Is there hope for me?

I knew I would feel too bad to write much this week, so I kept a photo diary instead. A few of the photos were taken by my little one while we were stuck in bed all day on Mon. We slept in feverish intervals in between taking pictures and reading piles of books. And of course we have also laid on the couch and watched Noggin and "The Clone Wars" on DVD several times in the past few days. Yesterday I spent most of the day in the bath with a hot wash cloth across my face. I made some lentil soup today, but could only get myself to eat a few bites. The boys seem to have a bit more of an appetite today. My favorite is the picture taken where my little pandy accidentally covered up most of the lens with his hand and you can see only a small glimpse of my feverishly flushed face. Speaking of.. this is the most I have been up and it's becoming exhausting. Time to climb back into bed and rest some more now.

I hope that those of you who have also been battling with sickness this week are finding time to rest and heal as well. Thank you for your prayers. :)

I haven't turned the computer on for days. The boys and I have been sick in bed with fevers, head colds, coughing, and stomach aches. I also have a sinus infection and have barely eaten anything for days. I feel like my head is going to explode and my stomach is going to collapse, not to mention the yucky aching fever flowing through my body. Monday the papa went to work and we laid around and slept on and off all day in a feverish state of delerium. He was able to stay home yesterday to help take care of the kids so I could rest, but had to go back to work today. I am miserably sick and achy and just want to remove my head from my body. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this day and take care of two sick and needy children when I need taken care of myself. Please pray quick healing and recovery for us. Thank you.

Well, the papa did manage to remember to come back home yesterday after a quick game of playstation and an impromptu lunch with his mom. By this time I was getting hungry though and decided to throw together this yummy sandwich before hitting some used book and clothing stores..


Spread ripe avocado on both sides of the bread, top with baby spinach, pea shoots, and thinly sliced apples (I used green, but next time might try red, because they were a bit tart.)

We then went to Rag-o-rama where I found a great fitting pair of gently-loved jeans for $15, then to Goodwill in search of glass jars for rice and art supplies. Found a couple, but thought they were over-priced, so left empty-handed and moved onto Half-priced books where I found a macrobiotics cookbook for $5. Yay, happy me! :)

By this time, the sinus headache I have had for days was getting worse though, so after picking up a few groceries and ogling over the vast selection and variety of rice and beans at Whole Foods (which I had someone missed before), we went home so I could take a bath. It seems the only thing that helps the pressure is putting a hot washcloth over my eyes and face. After may bath, I just felt like staying in and so we decided to save our $20 and watch a movie panda got from the library a few days ago instead. "Paris, De T'aime" or "Paris, I love you" It ended up being the perfect Valentine Day film, even if it was on accident. :)

Unfortunately, my sinus headache turned into a migraine and I went to bed early, only to wake up in the middle of the night to piercing pain in my head. I eventually got back to sleep, but woke up again this morning to a dull aching pain that won't seem to go away now. I slept until almost noon and it was already time for panda to pick up the boys, who came home bearing flowers, homemade cards, and.. fevers. Ugh. My oldest hasn't been feeling good, but I though was starting to get better, so I went ahead and let them go for the night. Today his cough is much worse and my little one is feverish as well now. Neither of them had any interest in dinner and went to bed earlier than usual. I am hoping to be able to sleep this headache off tonight so I can take care of my little ones tomorrow while the papa goes to work. I am upset that we had to miss church tonight and will more than likely have to cancel our plans for tomorrow as well. :(



I am so happy though to have been able to spend part of a day and evening with the panda. It helped remind me how important it is to have alone time together every once in awhile (although I wish it were more often!) It also makes me happy to be at a place in life with someone where you don't feel like you have to do something super extravagant and well-planned out in order to enjoy your time together. I have learned from past experiences, that if you get your hopes up for things to go a certain way and they don't end up turning out how you planned, then you're almost just setting yourself up for possible disappointment. I'd way rather just make tentative plans and go with the flow.. I'm trying more and more each day to just let go and allow God to lead me. It's difficult for me because I am a crazy researcher and am always trying to figure out life before it happens, but I am realizing more lately that I am happier when I just allow myself to relax and be in the moment.

This weekend was perfect because it was what it was and not because of what I tried to force it to be. I hope you all had perfectly imperfect weekend as well. :)

Btw.. Obviously I also finally figured out how to put more than one picture on my page at a time. I AM (a bit) SPECIAL so it took me awhile! :)

So, the panda is driving the boys two hours to my mom's so they can spend the night, and I am hoping that he doesn't get distracted by my brother-in-law's playstation and forget to come back. In the meantime, I have been flipping through endless old magazines I have saved trying to find some inspiration for the collage card I was planning to make while he is gone. But, I'm just not feeling it. Can't seem to find the right photos I want and also can't find my scrapbook file folders anywhere.(Our house is still in a bit of disarray since moving.) I don't like to force projects that don't feel natural, so I think I'm just going to skip the homemade card this year. Besides, what's most important is just being together right? We don't really have any specific plans for the day. I would really like to go thrifting and maybe to a used bookstore, which is something difficult to do with the kids, and he mentioned seeing "Slumdog Millionaire". I know.. both of those ideas are really romantic, huh? Ha, doesn't bother me. Neither of us have ever been the types to get dolled up all fancy and go out. Honestly, I wouldn't care if we spent the entire day in our jammies doing nothing, I'm just happy to be getting some much needed alone time with my panda. :)

Hope you all have a happy love day! XOXO

As the long winter days continue on, I begin to start running out of craft ideas. We've already made valentines (which I forgot to snap a picture of), so today I went back to one of our old favorites.. shape collages. I cut out different shapes in different sizes, and this time went a little nuts and even made textured grass and splashing waves. I also threw some hearts in there to keep with the holiday theme. Then I gave the boys two pieces of construction paper, one white and one black and asked them to create a day and a night scene. It's such a simple and fun project and we can save the leftover shapes for next time.

Anyone have any easy and inexpensive craft ideas?

My oldest is all about reusing and recycling. I wish I could say that it is something he has learned from us, but when it comes to recycling I shamefully admit that I just don't out of pure laziness. (I'm sure many of you are gasping in horror right now.) I keep meaning to look into it in our area, to see if they pick up recyclables here, but I just haven't. I DO however reuse things a lot. I buy almost all of our clothes gently used from resale shops, such as Once upon a child and Planet Exchange. Last summer we had a yard sale at my mom's and the money went towards buying new (used) clothes. I cut open cereal boxes and let the kids draw on the blank cardboard inside. One time they drew pictures of bunnies and nature scenes on the inside of an Annie's Organic cheddar bunnies box and a mailed it to them, along with a letter. We received a nice letter in return along with a cute magnet. We keep paper towel rolls to tape together and make swords. Instead of buying small trash bags for the bathrooms I use plastic grocery bags I have saved. I try to re-use glass and plastic containers to store things in. The list goes on and on.. but, basically I try to throw away as little as possible. I do know that I need to start recycling as well though. Anyway.. this morning my oldest made a house for his chess set people out of a fruit snacks box. I am always so impressed how he saves things and remakes them into something else.. all on his own, without my suggesting. In the past he has made many musical instruments and several other creations. It makes me feel so good to know he cares so much about our environment. I call him my little eco-warrior for God. :) I have so much to learn from him!

It's been a strange day. None of us, besides the papa (who seems to have a super immune system), have been feeling well this week. My oldest made it to his V-Day party while my little one and I went to the library to return some books and dvd's and pick up some I had reserved on macrobiotics. I stumbled across a couple new books on my way through, "Cooking and Screaming" by Adrienne Kane and "My Jesus Year" by Benyamin Cohen. With the exception of specific cookbooks, I no longer go in search of books, recently they seem to find me on their own, so I just go with it.

After school both of the boys seemed groggy and uninterested in eating dinner, so I put in a movie for them, finished up doing some dishes in the sink and asked if they minded if I rested for a bit. (I have been having horrible sinus headaches and cramps the past couple of days) The next thing I know, my oldest is by my side whispering to me that his little brother has fallen asleep and has a sucker stuck to his pant leg. (Earlier I had let them each chose one piece of candy from the v-day party to have.) Later, the same sucker somehow got stuck in his hair on the back of his head(?) He woke up cranky after the nap, (which was unusual because he never naps anymore, let alone falls asleep in the middle of a movie) and was freaking out about the sucker in his hair. He then decided that he was hungry, so I made him some food, which he proceeded to sit and stare at until finally bursting into tears again over his sticky hair. So, I left the untouched food and got both of the boys into the bathtub (for the second time today) and he started shrieking that he was freezing, although the water was plenty warm, and warning his older brother to not so much as look at him, let alone talk to him. Snap! Thankfully the panda got home around this time and offered to help get them ready for bed. My youngest suddenly decided that he now wanted his dinner and my oldest immediately had the urge to play a game of checkers, so bedtime seemed nowhere in sight. After FINALLY getting them both into bed, neither of them could seem to go to sleep, so we decided to let them look at books in their beds until they got tired. An hour and a half, and many bedtime songs and books later, they finally fell asleep.

I am beyond exhausted, but felt the need to vent before climbing into bed. Thanks for listening to my sleepy rant.

Nighty night..

I kept my oldest one home from school today because he was running a fever and having crazy coughing attacks, plus I have not been feeling too swell myself. He seems to be feeling a bit better now though and is hoping to have rested up enough to be able to go to his valentine party tomorrow. He missed his last school party because of the flu, so he is going to be devastated and "pass out onto a thorny bush in the woods forever" (his exact words) if he has to miss another. I can just barely remember elementary school parties, but I do remember one year that I made a valentine day box to look like a boom box and you put the valentines into the tape compartment. If I remember correctly, it was covered in aluminum foil and had heart shaped speakers. Ha!

Anyway, we have had a pretty relaxing day, with the exception of normal brotherly squabbling. My older one and I played checkers, then the boys used the chess pieces as battle droids and storm troopers and created lego spaceships for them. Their bedroom became a doctor's office, complete with a waiting room and a homemade open/closed sign. I have had a sinus headache and cramps today, which I was given a "prescription" for. They watched The History Channel's "The Universe" on DVD and learned more about Saturn. We ate breakfast food for lunch and dinner. Now they are taking turns playing www.uptoten.com and I thought I'd take advantage of the few minutes of time to myself to write this post about our day.

I feel exhausted and this week seems to be dragging on. My mom is taking the boys overnight this weekend for the first time since we have moved (for V-day and my b-day coming up). It's been over 3 months now since the papa and I have had some quiet time to ourselves. I am really looking forward to spending the day and evening with him. I'm trying to think of something fun we can do together. Going out to eat is out of the question, there's rarely any movies playing in the theater that I want to pay that much to go see. Although, I should look into the Drexel.. sometimes they have some interesting films. There's an Any Warhol exhibit going on.. I think it's free on Sundays. I wouldn't mind going thrift store browsing.. Hmm.

I just realized that I'm brainstorming while blogging. Who does that? Ha, now you know what it's like to be inside my brain for a bit. :)

I was going to start my last desperate attempt at potty training today (and by desperate, I mean bribing with skittles) but I've decided to wait until tomorrow. I just don't have the energy or patience today. I also need to make up 24 v-day party treat bags, but I think I might wait until the boys go to bed. I am thinking of making a collage card for the papa, because all of the v-day cards in the store were so cheesy. I got a new urban outfitters catalog in the mail the other day that might make good collage material. I need to come up with a theme though.. hmm, maybe I'll put the picture to song lyrics somehow..

Okay, I'm off in dreamland again. I am blaming it on the side effects from the "prescription" my "doctor" prescribed to me earlier of taking two Jawas and calling him in the morning.. ha!

Oh, and I have read this post to the boys 3 times now. They think all of my blogs are incredibly fascinating and funny stories. :)

Ever since having to change my diet I have found that I spend a lot of time making too many separate meals for the kids and myself during the day, and that we don't eat as often together anymore. Most days I make food for the boys and then while they're eating I try to find something for myself and then usually eat standing up while multi-tasking in between bites of food. By the time the poor papa gets home late at night I am tired of cooking and so he seems to get a leftover combination of everything we ate during the day, or else he just eats cereal. It just all feels very dis-jointed to me and extremely tiresome. Also, the boys want to eat non-stop all day long and our grocery bills are becoming more than we can afford. So, I had a long talk with panda about it last night and also went on to voice my concern about the fact that although he has two jobs right now and doesn't seem to be at risk for losing them, so many people are unexpectedly out of work and struggling to feed their families and maybe we should try to be even more frugal in preparation, you know.. just in case. Plus, I really really miss our family dinners we used to have together every night. :(

I decided after the conversation that I need to start coming up with some one pot meals that I can make a lot of all at once, that are healthy, don't cost a lot of money, and that we can ALL eat together. (That last part is a tricky one because I am so limited in my food options.) So..

Last night I made a large pot of Israeli couscous, stir fried some cubed sweet potatoes, butternut squash, and turnips I picked up from Trader Joe's and some amazing kale I got from the North Market. Then this evening the TV went off, I put in a "Be good Tanyas" CD I borrowed from the library, and the boys and I sat down and ate dinner together. My oldest is suffering from a fever and a tummy ache so he just sat there all pathetic looking and ate his food in slow motion while covered in a blanket. While my younger kept asking, "Where's the couscous? I don't see it!" (Usually I make a different kind.) Plus we had to hurry because we had a parent-teacher conference to get to, so it wasn't my dream dinner.. but hey, it was a good start! :)

I have a playlist on my MySpace page (Which speaking of, I was phished. And even after changing my password, I still don't have access to my page, so in case anyone has tried to contact me through there I can't read messages or respond at the moment.) Anyway, I thought I'd try to add one on here, but it doesn't seem to fit on my page.. anyone know how to make it smaller?? For some reason too you can't seem to turn one song off to hear another. I don't know.. I'm going to try to fix it all. If it annoys you while reading, just turn the volume down I guess. Otherwise, hope you enjoy the musical accompaniment! I hope to add more tracks soon..

We went to church this evening and the boys stayed with us instead of going into the nursery to play. I wasn't sure if they would be able to sit still the entire time, but I really want them to start staying with us through at least part of the service, so I thought I'd try it out tonight. I came prepared with new drawing pads, a fancy new pencil case for their twistables, and fruit snacks. Our oldest sat quietly and listened to the music and part of the sermon and then drew for awhile. Our youngest fell asleep and then woke up later, cranky and annoyed after realizing he wasn't in his bed. Overall they did really well. :)

At the end of the service we partake in communion. I have not partaken because both wine and grape juice contain sulfites and eating bread is always questionable. I can only eat very basic bread, and can not have dough conditioner or any additives. I figure it would probably not be appropriate to ask while being given communion, "Do you happen to have a list of the bread ingredients on hand?" Or, "Sorry, but I'm gonna have to pass on the grape juice." I would like to hope that I wouldn't end of in the hospital after a bit of bread and a dash of juice, but it doesn't take much for me and I would prefer not to take my chances just yet. So, grumpy little one stayed with me and I asked my oldest if he would like to go with daddy to take communion. He seemed excited and intrigued, but a bit nervous as to what it involved exactly. So I explained it to him, and after making his decision he shyly walked with the papa to the front. I was totally fine up until I saw them hand him the bread and juice, and then my eyes swelled up with tears and I had to fight to contain my overflowing happiness and emotion. He looked so grown up suddenly and yet so small compared to everyone else, and in that moment I thought my heart was going to burst open.

I will never push religion onto my children. Faith is an extremely personal thing to me and although I see no harm in infant baptism, I believe ultimately that it has to be a decision made on your own to become a believer. Our oldest is fascinated by Jesus' life and the Bible, particularly the book of Revelation. Although they have read children's Bible stories and have occasionally gone to Sunday school in the past, I do not like to candy coat the Bible or dumb it down for them. I prefer to read to them straight from the Book. I want them to have a real understanding of Jesus. That he was not just an animated character with a beard and a flock of sheep, but a real radical revolutionary who changed the world. I hope that the passion my oldest has for learning more about the Bible continues to deepen his faith and brings him into a more personal relationship with God. I can only hope that our youngest, who still prefers picture books and giving gifts to his Playmobile Jesus, will also one day begin to form his own understanding and relationship with God.

More than anything, I pray that my children will try to lives their lives as Jesus did, with open arms and an open heart, a compassion and love for others that knows no limits, and a faith that is strong, passionate, and unwavering. I hope that they will follow God's calling and live a humble life that is full of purpose and meaning. I don't ever want them to live a life that isn't based on something true to them though. I pray for my children a real genuine faith, not one that belongs to me or the papa or anyone else. I hope that they ask questions, search their hearts, and seek out answers on their own to all of life's mysteries. I will be here to help guide them or answer any questions they have and each day I will continue to strive harder to live a life more closely to Jesus and try to walk more strongly in my faith. Although they have been exposed to my many flaws and witnessed as I have had to cope with struggles and questions of my own, I hope that they see that although sometimes I screw up and lose hope, that God always restores me and brings me closer to Him in the end. I hope for them a faith above all that is real and authentic, and deep and true to them in their own hearts.

I see Jesus so often in my own children, and I thank God that he is using their own lives to bring me into a closer relationship with Him.

Wow, today was nonstop. We went to the art museum this morning and spent some time studying the stone carvings of Tim Lewis. The boys then got to make "stone" carvings of their own by using something similar to the foam blocks they use in florist shops to arrange flowers. They started off by painting a base, and while this was drying they drew and traced their design, which we then helped cut out and sand down. This made the panda a bit squeamish, he has this thing about styrofoam and can't handle the sound of it. Our oldest wanted to do a rocket ship, but after many drawings, decided on a fish instead. Our youngest made an owl, with a little help from me. They had fun adding texture, including scales and feathers. After this, the carved figures were hot glued to the base and the boys stained them to give a more textured, "stony" appearance. While we were waiting for the final products to dry we wandered around for awhile longer and got the kids a bite to eat in the museum cafe. There was an interesting hands-on exhibit for kids set up which included the artwork of Elijah Pierce and George Bellows. After walking through many rooms of paintings, the boys were so happy to finally be allowed to touch something!

We then gathered up their still slightly wet sculptures and headed to the library to check out some art books. After that, we ran home for a quick snack, then off to Cookie Cutters to trim off some of my older one's shag haircut. :( I love it longer, but he's been complaining about it being in his eyes. After that we went to Trader Joe's and I instantly remembered why I don't like shopping there on the weekend. The boys were exhausted and behaving like obnoxious crazy people and I was becoming claustrophobic and on the verge of having an emotional breakdown. (It happens pretty much every time I walk into a grocery store recently because it is so difficult to find anything that I can eat.) After reading a gazillion labels, and becoming more depressed by the minute, I finally just grabbed an armload of produce and we headed out the door. The panda made the boys breakfast for dinner and I heated up some jasmine rice and steamed a bunch of random leftover veggies. It was then bath time and finally off to bed!

I am looking forward to spending some relaxing time tomorrow with the boys looking through the art books and.. ugh, need to get some housework done that has been put off for too long. I am also really looking forward to going to church tomorrow evening (never thought I'd hear myself say that!) Not sure what it is, but there's something about being there that calms me, and after the crazy business of today, it is something that my soul is desperately craving.

I'm going to try to put some more pics on flickr tomorrow if I get a chance. Hope you're all having a good weekend. :) Off now to snuggle up on the couch with the panda and a movie..

The boys made these books a few days ago and I forgot to post them. I have been meaning to order some bare books, but this worked just as well for the time being. All I did was punch 4 holes along the left hand side of a few pieces of paper, wove yarn through, and tied in the back. Super easy and quick! My oldest is beginning to create and write short stories and his little brother did more of an abstract book about colors. I just adore them!

We made play dough and panda helped add food coloring, which was much more fun than the boring old plain kind I usually make. The colors inspired a landscape that included volcanoes, lily pads, trees, ponds, a barn, and even jabba the hutt. I used a basic cooked flour play dough recipe.

3 cups flour
1.5 cups salt
6 tsp. cream of tarter
3 Tbs. oil
3 cups water

Pour all ingredients into a large pot and stir constantly over medium heat until a ball forms. Knead the play dough until texture matches conventional play dough (1-2 min) Add food coloring if you want colored play dough.

Store in plastic container (should last for at least 3 months)

We're taking the boys this weekend to the art museum for the first time to make sculptures inspired by Tim Lewis' stone carvings. So in preparation, I have been searching around for sculpture ideas to help inspire our minds and get the creative juices flowing. I wish I could give credit to the inspiration behind this silverware idea, but I have browsed through so many unschooling blogs for ideas today that my head is spinning. This evening I'm planning to make play dough which I haven't done for awhile, so I'm sure there will be more photos to come! My oldest has already said that he's planning to sculpt the millenium falcon. :)

It's late and I snuck downstairs to write on panda's work laptop, which has a broken neck and is being propped up now by a pillow. The keyboard feels strange and I have to type slowly, as I have gotten used to writing now on the old computer in our bedroom.

I have spent most of this evening praying in the bathtub (the only place where I am free of distractions.. although sometimes I find myself turning the shampoo bottles around so I won't be tempted to stat label reading while there.) I have also been devouring several books in the bathtub, including one that I mentioned in a recent blog, "Justice in the Burbs". It was one of those books that while skimming through the religion section in the library, sort of just fell into my hands. As if to say, "Take me home and read me. God will use me to help you make sense of some of those deep questions you have been struggling with." Okay, okay.. so books don't actually physically jump off the shelves and start talking to me. Although it would be fascinating if they did! I do however, often feel lead to books while at the library and in many ways, they do "speak" to me.

If you happened to have read the last post I wrote in which I also mentioned that book, you might remember that I brought up the scripture in the Bible where God says, "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare."

Let me back up for a minute though before I get ahead of myself. As I have recently found myself becoming more and more drawn to the heart of the city, I have assumed that meant we should move there to be closer to where I feel I can help the most, and also to be closer to our new church family. Although there is nothing wrong with these desires by themselves, what is happening to me as a result of these desires.. maybe not so good. I am realizing that in the process, I am beginning to distance myself from my present home and the community in which I currently dwell. Mostly out of assumption that there is nothing for me to do here. There aren't any homeless or hungry people that I am aware of in my neighborhood. We live in a suburb filled with huge brand new housing developments, clean parks, excellent schools, and a plethora of shopping options. It's all pretty perfect and squeaky clean. Sure, there are those people like us who live in apartment complexes and smaller, older homes that were here before all the new development took over and may be struggling a little more financially, but these people are still housed and fed.. right? Maybe so, but who knows what other issues may be lurking within any of these places. Who knows what sort of suffering is going on inside any of these homes (big or small, old or new) .. depression, loneliness, anxiety? Regardless, those are personal issues that, although I know something about firsthand, am not sure how I can help with. It seems much easier to join an organization and help where 'outwardly' it looks like people need help the most. So, I have found myself these past couple of weeks beginning to set myself apart from where I am and have begun Craig's list searching for places closer to downtown. That was, until I picked up the book tonight and read this..

"One of the biggest temptations when people begin to think about living justly is to believe they need to leave where they are and move to where they perceive works of justice to be happening."

I actually stopped reading to look around, as if someone were watching me. It then went on to say further in the chapter,

"Doing missions means doing the work of the kingdom wherever you are sent. And the best way to think about where you are sent is to see where you are. God is a being of great economy. He works before you even realize it and before you sign on, and he's placed you where you are today for a reason. If you find yourself in the suburbs, welcome to your mission field."

Yikes! That is NOT exactly what I had in mind. In fact, the suburbs scare me more than downtown and I don't particularly WANT to stay and help out here. Mostly because I feel misplaced. I feel like I don't fit in among the preppy, sporty looking cliques of soccer moms whom I tend to avoid eye contact with when picking my oldest up from school. I mean, after reading my blog about schooling, I'm sure you know that after spending many years at school tying to escape from those clubs and attempting to break off and find myself, why would I even want to attempt to fit in again with a group of people whom I clearly have nothing in common with?

Okay, so I admit to making quick assumptions about people and I know you shouldn't judge book by it's cover, and I obviously have some bitterness issues (ha, and I want to help others) but, seriously God, come on! Now I know that I've said I am open to wherever God wants to lead me and use me, (and who knows at this moment where I will end up, or stay put), but obviously I am not open. Not completely anyway. So, I'm going to try to let let go now of where I think God wants me and for what purpose, and instead try to be patient (not my best quality) and trust that he will continue to prepare my heart and help guide me.

I suddenly feel lost in a sea of fish, attempting to swim upstream. I need to learn how to relax and just go with God's flow.. I had rivers and oceans in mind, but maybe where I'm called to be is right here in my own man-made lake and swimming pool community.

I love french toast and thought I would never be able to have it again after giving up dairy, eggs, sugar, and even (sigh) maple syrup. :( But, alas! I have finally found a yummy alternative..

Make the date syrup ahead of time..

Saute about 2 handfuls of dates in 1 1/2 cups of water for about half an hour or until soft. (you can add more water depending on how thick you want your syrup to be.)

Let cool completely and then blend dates and remaining water in blender.

In bowl, whisk together.. (makes enough for about 6 slices)
1 cup almond milk
2 Tbs. flour
1 Tbs. nutritional yeast flakes
1 Tbs. agave nectar

Dip each side of bread in mixture and fry on each side until both are golden brown.

Pour date syrup over french toast (or if you make it really thick like me, I just spoon it on.)
Enjoy the sweet goodness!

Yesterday my little one and I got all bundled up and out the door to warm up the car (in 12 degree weather) only to discover that our car was stuck on ice and would not back up or go forward. For 10 minutes we sat there while the tires spun round and round. I had to be at school in 5 min to pick up my oldest. I called the papa at work to have him call the school and let them know what was going on, while I knocked on the one neighbor's door that I vaguely know to see if he could help push the car. No response. Not knowing anyone else that is home during the day or that lives even relatively close, my poor little guy had to wait in the school office until the panda could get there to pick him up 30 min later. His little brother was worried sick about him even though I assured him that he was fine and wouldn't be stuck at school forever. I felt so awful though. How scary it must feel to be stuck in a new school where you hardly know anyone while you wait half an hour (which I'm sure seemed like eternity) for one of your parents to come get you. He was okay of course and they told panda that he was very patient.

I still felt irritated though.. with the ice, with the freezing cold (that earlier I had to stand outside in and pump gas while my hands and feet went numb), with the fact that had I just decided to homeschool instead of sending him to kindergarten this year I wouldn't have to go outside at all and get 3 people bundled, and then un-bundled, and then bundled again.. scrape ice and snow off the car every day (why have we still not bought a snow brush?) And I'm going on and on in my head until he gets home and I embrace him, check him over to make sure he's okay (of what exactly, I'm not sure.. ), and warm up his dinner. Then as he sits down to eat, he suddenly stops my train of thought by saying something like this..

"I learned a few more of the kids' names in my class today." Then goes on to list them and smiles a huge smile. An, "I'm starting to get comfortable and makes friends again" kind of smile.

And my heart melts through all the snow and ice in my mind. And I feel overjoyed, yet perplexed. He had just gotten to this place before when we moved and then had to change schools. And here we are now thinking about not sending him back next year. When I talk to him about it, he is torn. He wants to homeschool, but also wants to be around kids and have friends. Of course, I want all of those things for him too. And I know that we could join some sort of homeschooling group and get him involved in activities where he could be around other kids. But is it enough?

I'm thinking about something that stood out to me in John Holt's book, "Teach your own", which I am currently re-reading. It was in response to the worry that if kids stay at home they won't have the chance to socialize properly. The response was, "If there is no other reason for wanting to keep your kids out of school, the social life would be reason enough. In all but a very few of the schools I have taught in, visited, or known anything about, the social life of the children is mean-spirited, competitive, exclusive, status-seeking, snobbish, full of talk about who went to who's birthday party or who got what Christmas presents and who got how many Valentine cards and who is talking to so-and-so and who is not. Even in the first grade, classes soon divide up into leaders (energetic and-often deservedly-popular kids0, their band of followers, and other outsiders who are pointedly excluded from these groups."

From what I remember in my school growing up (and I have blocked most of it out), it's all true. I just happened to be lucky enough to be included in the popular crowd through all of elementary school and have a good and bad mix of memories, mostly involving barbies and slumber parties. But I had to fight to keep my place there when I got to Jr. High. That meant battling against my own decision making to go along with the crowd just so I wouldn't be excluded. I endured back-stabbing and cruelty regardless and tolerated it up until I couldn't stand to be a part of it anymore. It wasn't until halfway through High School that I finally got up the courage to break off from the popular crowd and started to get to know people outside of the group. I made a few new friends with whom I could be myself around more easily, and not feel as though I had to walk on eggshells around or watch my back all the time. Eventually my school life started to suffer though and I began to lose interest, so I changed schools, made completely new friends and finally for the first time felt that I could truly be myself without having to try and please anyone. Unfortunately though, I went the opposite extreme. I became so interested in "discovering myself" that I stopped focusing on school, eventually dropped out, moved to the city, and eventually went back to get my GED.

My oldest is a vegetarian, it is not something we chose for him, he made the decision on his own over a year ago. He cares very much about animals and the environment. He loves to draw, read, write, and sword fight. He is very passionate about everything he does. It makes me feel so proud that he has a mind of his own and questions everything before coming to a conclusion. I am scared that if he stays in school he is either going to feel pressured to change who he is to fit in or become excluded because, well.. his packed vegan lunch is different from the other kids, or he thinks, talks, and cares deeply about things that others his age might not find as impressive as his parents do. I don't ever want him to change who he is and I can't stand the thought of him feeling excluded because I can still remember that gut-wrenching, heart-aching feeling myself.

Ugh, this was a difficult blog for me to write. I realize that as I blog about my struggles as an adult and a parent, eventually it's going to lead me back into my own my childhood, because it is a part of who I am. Some of those places just aren't so easy to re-visit though. I think the difference between my life growing up and my own kids' lives is that, whether or not they decide to go to school or stay home, they will always be encouraged to be who they are and not who we want them to be or who we feel others expect them to be. Unless something they are doing is causing harm to themselves or hurting someone else, then I'm not going to stop them. If they want to dye their hair purple, or wear clothes that don't make sense to us, or experiment with art or music, or if they want to (gasp!) play sports even.. so be it. No harm in that, no images here to protect. Although sometimes people do get hurt playing sports.. so I may object a little to football. :) Luckily though, my oldest has already stated that.. why would he possibly want to play football and just set himself up to get hurt?

I have to agree, and it makes me wonder.. why would I want to set my children up in a school environment only to watch them get hurt? I know it's a cruel world out there and I can't protect them from everything forever.. but I'm not going to purposely put them in harm's way either.

I think back to earlier today when the car was stuck on the ice and wonder if there was a reason behind why we were not supposed to leave here. Does God often protect us by not allowing us to take certain paths? Does he prevent us occasionally from being in harm's way?

I'm sure that I will never know the answers to these questions in my lifetime, nor will I know how the decisions I make now in life will impact our children's future. I guess all we can do is pray for guidance, trust our instincts, and plant seeds of faith in our children that will help prepare them for whatever direction life takes them, in hopes that they make good decisions of their own along the way.

I know.. I know.. I sound just like your mom (probably because I am one!)

I have never cared much for raw veggies. I could eat them as long as I had something to dip them in to cover up the taste. But after having to omit so many foods from my diet, I have slowly grown to love these fresh, crispy snacks all on their own! I still like to dip them in peanut butter, but mostly now it's just to sneak a little extra protein into my diet.

I think we can learn a lot about what we need in our own diets by reading books on child nutrition and making recipes from cookbooks geared towards children. These ideas and recipes are usually healthy, quick, easy, and fairly inexpensive! Plus, they are great ways to get kids involved with food. :)

I have found that, unlike many cookbooks geared towards grown-ups which often have endless lists of expensive ingredients (half of which I have no idea where to find, nor the time or money to spend on making one meal), cookbooks geared towards children and families offer simple, straightforward recipes which usually consist of easy to find minimal ingredients and don't require much time. My favorites are the ones that include diagrams and pictures on how to pour and mix, such as in "Pretend Soup". Yes, I admit to being a little sloooow sometimes. :)

More than anything, I believe that food does not have to be complicated in order to taste good. I like the idea of going back to the basics and eating food as simply and naturally as possible.

Here are a few of my favorites..

"The Vegan Family Cookbook", by Brian McCarthy
"Organic baby & toddler cookbook", by Lizzie Vann
"Super foods for Children", by Michael Van Straten & Barbara Griggs
"Better than Peanut Butter & Jelly", by Wendy Muldawer & Marty Mattare
"Pretend Soup", by Mollie Katzen and Ann Henderson
"Honest Pretzels", by Molly Katlen

With the exception of "The Organic baby and toddler book", which I own and memorized after my oldest was born, I was able to find the rest at our local library and have jotted down my favorite recipes in a notebook. Amazon is always a great place to find inexpensive cookbooks too and of course the internet has dozens of recipes and resources online!

Happy reading and eating! :)

Our new pastor (and friend) and his wife invited us over last night for a potluck. To me, when someone invites you into their home, it's an open door invitation to get to know them more personally. They are inviting you into their sacred space, where they eat, sleep, and play. We have been to a gazillion churches in the past and have never once been invited into the home of our pastor. Several of those places we did not even have a chance to talk to the pastor. In many large churches, you kinda just feel like a number. And sure, there are all kinds of group to join and participate in, but there still always seems to be this distance. So, to be invited into someone's home and to have the chance to get to know people on a more personal level means a lot to me.

Being a stay at home mom, I find it hard to meet new people. Because I am alone so much with the kids and don't have a lot of adult time, when I am in groups of new people I find myself struggling to interact. My youngest spent most of the evening hiding behind me and I didn't blame him. Sometimes I feel like hiding myself. But I know it's not healthy, so I am trying harder recently to step outside my comfort zone and make some new friends. Home church groups are a good way to do this. Sometimes being in a church I get overwhelmed by the amount of people and can't focus in on trying to get to know one person at a time in order to begin to form relationships. It's more comfortable and easier for me to get to know people in a smaller and more intimate group while in a comfortable and more relaxed environment. The papa also struggles with interacting with others. He is always either at work or at home with us and finds it difficult to meet people as well. I am hoping that this will be a good way for both of us to get to know some new people and build a few lasting relationships.

Moving closer to our families and then away again has also been difficult on me because I don't have the support or help here that I had gotten used to. I know that it's important for us to find a support group here. I'm learning the older I get that family can be whatever you make it. Friends can become such an important part of your life and the lives of your children, that they become an extended family. That is my hope for us.. to find a group of extended family and support network here.

Although I have several close girlfriends, they are scattered all over the place. We get together occasionally and talk through e-mail or on the phone once in awhile. But I am craving more regular, weekly interaction with people who share our beliefs and our struggles in parenthood and life in general. A group that comes together to talk, laugh, eat, and pray. I realize too how important it is for our children to also have this sort of interaction. I am hoping to build relationships with people whom I will eventually feel as comfortable leaving my children with as I do my own family. This is something we have never had as a result of moving so much. But, I realize more and more how much we need that sort of support group in our lives right now. I really believe in the saying that "it takes a village to raise a child". I love the idea of community living and will blog more about that soon.

I feel so thankful that God has listened to my prayers and brought a young couple into our lives, who so warmly welcomed us into their home. I am really looking forward to getting to know the people within our new church in hopes that we will begin to build lasting relationships. :)

My boys say the funniest things sometimes.. just today I heard them say the following, and I'm sure there's more to come. :)

"All the girls love my hat and give me stickers!" -E

"I look like a bee. Call me Super Bee!" -E

"Where was the last place you saw your galoshes?" -A "In the refrigerator."- E

"I did the groundhog test in the living room and he didn't see his shadow, so it must be spring in our house." -A

"Call me Cowboy!" -E (while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and detective hat)

I couldn't sleep again last night so I read for awhile from a book entitled, "Justice in the Suburbs" by Will and Lisa Sampson. There were a couple verses of scripture within it that really spoke to me.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray for the Lord on it's behalf, for in it's welfare you will find your welfare." Jeremiah 29:4-7

"For surely you know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you from the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

I have read these verses many time before and have always focused on the part that says, "For surely you know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." While that verse still brings me much comfort and hope, it was another part that stood out to me this time. "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray for the Lord on it's behalf, for in it's welfare you will find your welfare."

For in it's welfare you will find your welfare. What does that mean?

I think I have an idea of what it means for my life. I have never really felt at home anywhere. This is my 3rd time living in the Columbus area and I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's because I have come and gone so much, moving around like a nomad. I have never been able to stay in one place for very long. This life has always seemed so temporary to me and home was wherever I happened to lay my head that night. Recently we decided it was becoming too much on the boys and decided to put down roots and buy a house in our small hometown close to our parents. The papa panda was hoping to eventually find a job closer, but in the meantime was commuting almost a total of 4 hours a day, this was also during the time when gas prices skyrocketed. After a year and a half, the exhaustion of the commute and cost of gas began to drain us physically and financially. It also began to create distance within our marriage. We moved back to the city a couple months ago and are still in the process of selling our house.

Over and over I keep getting drawn back into the city and over and over again I try to flee from it. While there are so many aspects of the city that I love, I also found a new love for the country while moving back to our hometown for a short time. I found sanctuary and peace and became more interested in learning about gardening and living off of the land. I had dreams of building a house in the woods, surrounded only by the sound of nature. But God obviously had different plans for us, and here we are once again. I know that part of while I have tried to escape this city is because it is haunted by a past that I would much rather forget. The first time we moved back here from Nashville was difficult for me. I hadn't been back since I had left 4 years earlier after becoming a Christian and leaving my ghosts and memories behind me. I knew when we came back that it was time to face my fears and I spent a lot of time working through some difficult memories here.

This time feels different though. I feel called back to the city this time for a different reason. We moved into a townhouse in the suburbs to be close to panda's job and to be in a good school district. But my heart is tugging at me to go into the city. To feel what makes it pulse, to open my eyes and heart to what is really going on inside of it. After reading "Closing the food gap" by Mark Winne recently, I have been thinking a lot about people who don't have access to fresh produce and wholesome food. I started thinking that although I can't have a big yard with a garden in the country, maybe I could start an urban community garden. Then just a couple days ago I started reading the book, "Justice in the Burbs, being the hands of Jesus wherever you live" and it pointed out all of the fears I have been having lately about living in the suburbs.

As you know if you have been reading my blogs lately, I am very seriously considering homeschooling (life schooling) after this school year is over and moving back into the city. Although the suburbs are clean and safe, I worry about getting stuck in a bubble living here. When you distance yourself from the problems within the city in this way, it is easier to forget that they exist. This does not mean that I am going to move my family into a inner city crime-ridden neighborhood. It does mean though that I want to be closer to where I can help the most. I want our children to have an awareness to what's going on in the world, without putting them in any danger. Too many families are stuck in their own little world, their time filled with school, work, soccer practice, dance recitals.. etc. They buzz around like busy little bees from one place to the next. But, are they really getting anywhere? I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with this life, but aren't we called above and beyond these day to day activities? Isn't there more to life than this? I don't know.. maybe it's just me. I always have been a dreamer.

I have taken these scriptures to heart though. I do believe that God has plans for my welfare, and not for harm. I believe that He wants to give me a future with hope, that he will restore my fortunes, and gather me from nations and all the places from which He has driven me out.

In the meantime, I will live in exile (my temporary home on Earth) build a house and live in it, plant a garden and eat what it produces. I will pray for the welfare of this city, and be the hands of Jesus wherever He needs me. I am interested in seeing where this journey leads..

The smell of pizza is drifting under the door and I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. I am beyond hungry to the point where my stomach aches longingly, but I have lost interest in eating. Yesterday we went to my favorite market downtown to wander around and I had to protect myself from the sights and smells of food surrounding me. Indian, Chinese, sushi, pizza.. ice cream. I focused instead on the beautiful colors of the locally grown organic produce in my shopping basket. I'm thinking now about whipping up a kale, banana, and pineapple smoothie but that would mean having to go downstairs where the smell of pizza in the kitchen is so much stronger and harder to resist. It's not my family or friends' fault that I have been cursed, or blessed (can't figure out which yet) with allergies to almost everything. It's not their fault that my life was drastically turned upside down so many months ago now while there's has stayed the same. It's not anyone's fault, but it makes me angry. And jealous. And hungry. So, I'm hiding out in the bedroom until the smell disappears.

Tomorrow we are planning to go to a pot luck. I am both looking forward to and dreading it. The couple who invited us are the pastor and his wife of the new church we visited last Sunday. I have been praying for spiritual support and friendship and I feel as though they would be good people to have in our life. I want to try to socialize more and get out of my comfort zone, but the idea of spending time around other people eating causes severe anxiety in me. We didn't make it to church this evening because I have been up for the past two nights with insomnia. I lay in bed hungry and worrying how I am going to live the rest of my life this way. I have barely slept or eaten for days and earlier when the papa took the boys outside to play in the snow I came in from taking pictures and nearly collapsed onto the floor. After a bit of rest and something small to eat, I am feeling a bit better. But, I know that I cannot continue on like this. All I can do now though is to continue educating myself on the food that I can eat and how to prepare it, and pray A LOT.

I have to believe there is a reason behind all of this. That I'm not being made to suffer for someone else's fun or amusement. I have to believe that there is a plan for my life that is unknown to me now, but that I must go through this to get there. I have to believe all of that other wise I will give up and give in to depression. Please God help me through this..