The Path to Us

Coffee on morning of ultrasound: $1.29

Ultrasound at RE's office: $200.00

Being so in tune with your body that you recognize that you ovulated while walking across the parking on the way TO the ultrasound: PRICELESS

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And yes, that did happen to me.

After my ultrasounds last Thursday and Saturday, I was due to go in on Monday to monitor my follicle's progress. (I only had one promising follicle, but at least I had one.) As I walked from my car across the parking lot, I felt a pop on my right side and I knew that that was it. When I was having the ultrasound, the tech was unable to find the follicle. It was taking forever and she told me she couldn't see it. I asked her what that meant and she said it meant I'd ovulated. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. They said that they would talk to my RE and figure out what to do.

I'm not the type of person to sit around, so I kept talking until I spoke to someone that I knew would be on the phone with the RE as soon as we hung up. So yes, I had ovulated so we had to push everything ahead - quickly. Within 7 hours of my ovulation, I had my IUI and I have to say, I'm thankful that it happened that way. I didn't have time to get nervous or anxious. I was in there and it was done.

And so I wait. It's 2dpo/2dpiui and I have a long wait ahead of me. I gave myself the Ovidrel shot on Monday and the bloating is disappearing. I have my progesterone check next Monday, my beta the following Monday.  The only thing that I have to do is relax and be positive. I admit that I was bummed that I only had the one follicle that grew, but in the grand scheme of things, it only takes one!

(aka I had a sonohysterogram and all I got were these lousy prescriptions)

It's taken me a little while to write this post because I'm still trying to accept everything that I have learned.

On the 18th of this month, I had a sonohysterogram (which warrants its own blog post) and I found out some results that weren't the best.

My hope was that I would go in and have the procedure, she'd marvel at how healthy all of my girly parts were and then she'd guarantee that I would get pregnant upon my first IUI next month. Unfortunately, the appointment was nothing at all like the fantasy that I had crafted. Instead, it was filled with a lot of sort of bad news/good news. During this visit, I found out the following:

1. I have a fibroid. A humongous fibroid. (BOO!) But it is far enough in the uterine wall that there is no distortion. (YAY!)
2. I have clear, unobstructed, wide open tubes. (YAY!)
3. My progesterone levels during my mid-luteal phase aren't high enough. (BOO!)
4. I've been given medication to bring about super ovulation and a trigger shot next month. (BOO and YAY!)

Now, I have never in this life attempted to get pregnant, so there is no actual diagnosis of infertility. I have a few factors, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me. That makes me happy. But I do have to admit that there was a level of disappointment that I had any of those issues wrong with me. I wanted to be deemed perfectly ready to go!

Oh, did I also mention that I'm 40?

So I have a couple of things working against me, but I have a lot working for me. So I'm feeling optimistic about this. My hope is that I will be starting the New Year with a baby in my belly!

Next week I have my HsG test and after that, I am all systems go for my first IUI in December. As long as my HsG comes out with an all-clear.

And herein lies my anxiety. Everything else (all blood tests, hormone tests, etc.) have come out very well, so I'm waiting for the other show to drop. I trying my best to be optimistic - and I do believe that everything is going to turn out just fine. But it's just that part of me, not trying to get my hopes up too high so I don't fall too far into disappointment.

In the midst of all of this, I had a thought come to me and it's changed everything that I'd originally believed. I had to ask myself the question: If the IUIs don't work, am I willing to shell out all of the money for IVF or go into the beginning stages of adoption?

I had always said that if the IUI didn't work, then I would follow the next logical steps (IVF and then adoption). But I have to say, with the cost of IVF and the fact that I am paying for it, I'm not sure that I could afford it. And I'm not sure that I want to go through the time (and pain and scrutiny) of adoption. It sounds bad for me to say, but I mean that in all honesty. If the IUIs don't work, I think I'm going to take a trip back to the other side of the world and stay for about a month. I'm not sure that I will make any other attempts if the IUIs don't work. It doesn't diminish my want of being a mother or the desire that I've always had since I was a young girl, but I'm just not sure I'm up for it emotionally. I remember seeing my friends go through IVF. The pain of the emotions, the medication, the financial cost (even though they were insured). And after multiple cycles, it never took.

I remember how devastated she was and I just thought that the amount of money was something I'd never be able to afford. And while I claim this now, it could all change if I found myself in that predicament. Nothing is set in stone.

But I have to be honest and say that my prayer is that it will be enough. I'm looking forward to a BFP! I have hope and I will remain optimistic, odds be damned. I have genes on my side. LOL! I'm believing that I will be another of my family members having children in our 40s!

I had been going back and forth these past few months as to when I was going to buckle down and have my first ICI. I had picked out the bank, the donor, and the date that I was going to do my ICI at home and I was very secure in that decision. For a while.

Then things began to happen around me and my situation began to change drastically:

• I suddenly had a very drastic and quick weight gain and my doctors and I knew there was something off with my body. (I'm currently fighting iron and Vitamin D deficiencies - drastic ones - and my metabolic system basically shut-down. Because of that, I've piled on more pounds than I am comfortable with.)
• And to top it all off, my current work situation, which has improved this year, is off to a slow start.

So I decided to put things off from before my birthday (in October) to sometime next spring. I decided that I was going to take a trip to New Zealand, sort of as a last hurrah, and then once I came back in March, I was going to do my procedure. It was in my heart and my mind and my soul and I was so excited about going on my New Zealand adventure -- until I had the dream.

I had two dreams, actually. The first dream, I was about four months pregnant with twins - a boy and a girl - and I don't think I had ever been happier in all of my life. I was literally glowing and I just thought about how happy and excited and elated and scared I was. I knew there was no greater adventure than being a mother and it was all I could think about. When I woke the next morning and found myself saying 'baby' three times more than 'New Zealand' on into the following month, I knew that I was going to make some changes. A few weeks after that, I had a dream about actually giving birth to a beautiful son and the moment that I had him, they laid him on my chest and I was talking to him and stroking him and bonding with him. It was literally the greatest feeling on earth. That dream cemented my decision. Lord willing, New Zealand will still be there years from now and I will even take my child/ren with me to enjoy the amazing country. But for now, all that matters, all that is important is for me to move forward with this.

I've been talking more openly to friends and family about my decision and I know that I have their love and support. I had an appointment with an amazing gynecologist who recommended me to an RE that many in this area know, so I am going to be having an IUI instead. I'm going to do the testing and everything because when I do this, I want to have the best chance of pregnancy that I can possible have.

Overall, I am very pleased and I have decided that once I meet with my RE in October (and I'm believing that I'm pretty healthy and won't have any issues), we can proceed with me having my procedure in January 2011.

My heart, mind, and soul are fully committed to this and I am ready for this greatest role of my lifetime. I'm going to be a mother and I don't feel there's anything better for me in this world.

No, this isn't the normal 2 week wait that most SMCs go through when waiting to see if an IUI or IVF has taken. This is my wait for my salivary hormone test to be examined and the results to be presented to my doctor.

I am still at the very beginning of my journey to being a SMC and right now, I'm trying to find out how I am going to proceed. Will I need medication? Do I have issues with my hormone levels - not enough progesterone, too much estrogen? Are my eggs too old?!

The more I think about all of it, I wonder exactly how crazy I am for doing this. I don't like setting myself up for failure - and I am not saying I'm going to fail. But I have a perfection complex where I like to do everything excellent the first time. The truth of the matter is, part of my fear is that it won't be perfect the first time. I may have to try this numerous times. Or I may actually get pregnant and have a miscarriage. Or I may have to advance from IUI to IVF. (I won't even go any further than that.) The thought of going through all of that frightens me so much, I'm not even sure I can convey the depth of it.

But then I take a deep breath and back and think about the good side of it all. Even if I did have to do this six times or ten times, to have that first time that I get to hold my child against me and smell his little head. Or the relief I'll feel when I count ten little fingers and ten little toes. It pushes that fear into the background and allows me to focus on what's really important: conceiving, carrying a healthy baby, and having a safe delivery.

In the meantime, I'll be here, bouncing from foot to foot, waiting and hoping...

Such a disgusting title for a blog entry, I know! But trust me, this plays a part in my quest for motherhood because today I am taking the salivary hormone test. And basically, all I'm doing is filling these vials with, you guessed it -  spit.

Now, anyone who knows me can attest to my natural aversion to all body fluids. I find spitting to be disgusting and we won't even go into any of the others. You can only imagine my reaction to those other things! But in spite of my discomfort, I'm sitting rereading instructions,  counting my vials, and setting the alarm on my phone to wake me for my last, um, spitting at 2:30 in the morning. Had anyone told me this past January that I'd be doing this, I would have laughed them out of the room. Hogwash!

But something much bigger is happening with me taking this test. I am learning a very important life lesson that will hold true for me from this moment on: This isn't about me.

In becoming a mother, it's not about my comfort level or what I like or even what I want. It's about my child, about his needs, his desires, and whatever makes him happy. It's a very worthwhile life lesson that I'm glad I'm learning now - even if it is all because of having to spit in a few vials!