Thomas's Innercity

today, my Chinese birthday. Supposingly to be a happy day.

The moment my mother wish me happy birthday, the only thing that crossed my mind is,

WHY THE FUCK YOU BORN ME OUT TO THIS FUCKING WORLD?!!!!!!!!!

I wish i could just end EVERYTHING!

I thought i could control...

i am wrong....

I wish to end everything...

the feeling is back..
the depressed feeling..

this time worst... i don even know what is going on with me...

everything seems to be fine.. and i just know that something is missing. something important.

working had been the most enjoyable stuff in the world for me. but recently i felt that the momentum had slowed down. slowed down so much. im not so dynamite anymore. and im so demoralize.

is it because i had been working on the same thing for the past 3 years? or... im the one with the problem? i don know.

i really... so disappointed in myself. and im such a failure. i cant even do a simple job right now. so pathetic. so pathetic... i don know what to do. and don know who can help me... i don know..

im losing my way......

This month.. gonna be crucial and extremely busy to me. Nothing can be avoided.

I just wanna say,

I am SPOILT.

Mentally,

Physically,

Too exhausted.

People ask me, why don't you delegate some stuff to other people to help you out?

I replied, I am Happy when they don throw more things to do.

This month.. gonna be crucial and extremely busy to me. Nothing can be avoided.

I just wanna say,

I am SPOILT.

Mentally,

Physically,

Too exhausted.

People ask me, why don't you delegate some stuff to other people to help you out?

I replied, I am Happy when they don throw more things to do.

Friends? i have a lot. People say that i have a wide network.

Yeah. I agree. But when we talk about good friend or true friend, who are there?

This had been happening for so many many many times.

I believe is my problem ba. Just like what you said, Im selfish. Yeah i am.

Perhaps, i should really accept my company offer. Just leave this place and get rid of everybody. and have a new life.

I am so tired of everything. So tired so tired. During meeting, i was almost shoot to dead. I am thinking, why do i have to tolerate all these? No one is supporting me. I did not do anything wrong yet i have to take up everything. Fine. i accept. But why there isnt anyone there to even give me some moral support?!

There is no one there to listen to me.

Im just so tired. I had been working so hard. I spend all my time on these stuff. I don expect anyone to give me anything.

I always tell myself, at least i have got you guys around. But now, I think i lost my way again.

What should i do? Tender my resignation? It seems to be fun to hold this post right? but back to the point, im on 22! what can i do?! i had been trying my best and everyone is booming me! i really had enough.

You are here this afternoon, left within 5 minutes. I wish to tell you how pain is my back now. i cant even seat properly. But you just don seems to be care. Fine.

What you said i always remember. Your message is just too hurtful. To you it meant nothing, to me, it meant everything.

I do not know what to do now.

Perhaps, i just live for myself. And just left all of you behind.

I HATE ALL THESE............

Graduated with a BA (Hons) Marketing does not seems to be enough for me. Althought mine is a First Class Honour. but i don untend to skip my Master Degree. Apart from that, i also wish to study Advance English Course, LCCI/CAT/ACCA, and Diploma in Pre Hospital Care.

Monetary having issue there. Which one should i start first?

Advance English Course ----> MBA (If got Money?)
----> LCCI/CAT/ACCA (If no Money?)

My mother ever told me that i lead a good life.

I work hard and in the end of the day i get whatever i want.

My life is keep on upgrading. I never fell.

She say, she is worried. Very worried about me. What if one day i fell? Will i be able to stand up again?

At that moment, i was thinking should not be a problem.

Last year, i work very hard, with the help of luck lady, i manage to hit my target. It was 110% sales.

I thought i would be the highest top sales person. But then i lose to my colleague. She got it.

At that moment, i almost fainted. I was like so sad. So damn sad. Almost burst into tears. I do not know what to do. I wish to leave the hall. But then i know i cant.

I realize that i am someone who cannot afford to lose when i set my target on it.

Now, i start to get worried for myself. It was a small prize i would say, and i actually have such a big reaction. What if one day when i failed to do business?

What will i do?

Perfect Life. What is the perfect life for you?

All over the years, I'm looking for perfection. I believe all my friend can feel that because all of them suffered from that.

Some people say that im looking for trouble for myself. Yeah. Sometimes i have to agreed to it. I mean i was making my life worst than anyone else.

But yet, i can only say that i do enjoy it so much.

I tried not to use this method towards my junior. But, days to days, i seems to have forgotten about this.

Sometimes i wonder, having a perfectionist senior is good or bad?

The good is, this guy will remind you all the work, guide you thru and maybe even more gan jiong than you.

The bad is, you gonna face a lot a lot of stress.

In my point of view, being a President mean everything. You have to cover for all sort of thing no matter it is good or bad. your team won a medal, you will have a glory. when your team make a mistake, you need to apologize. Isn't it this way?

Well, i may be sticking to my principle too hard.

I knew he was not the one who are creating trouble.

Over the years, from a chubby little boy who only know how to play, up to today, is a leader among all.

Im really happy for him. Its a great achievement. He work hard for it. But i still feel that there are room for improvement for him.

That day, i scolded him. Scolded him so hard.

then, i heard from his friend. He cried that day. Cry so hardly.

At that moment when i knew about this, my heart broken apart. I hate myself so much for being so.

Life. What is perfection. Should i still continue to guide him thru? or, i shall let him learn by his own?

I have no idea.

Well, i realize that had been more than half a year since my last post.

Trying to be less emo, trying not to be emo and trying to stay in the best shape.

At this time, its really not a choice. i have to be emo.

life. feeling so tired over it.

i want to be myself. the one and only. But i don see the acceptance from others. i do not want to be hypocrite. i only wan to done my work. and thats what i want.

i don seems to be able to find anyone that i can really talk to without hiding any feeling of mine.

why is that so?

perhaps the problem lies on myself. but still i do not want to change myself.

i don say that i had great achievement but seriously i think at the age of mine, i do have some little achievement.

everyone is looking at me like "wa... you so rich, wa... you so good"

i can say that my family left me nothing except love and support.

all the things i have now is my hard earn money.

you can see that im great by having car and house in my name, but who can see my hardness in paying the installment?

friends..... who is my true friend?

i need someone....

Next friday,

Ill be going to KL with by big gang of friends.

i believe this is the first time going out with them

Hopefully:

1. great achievement obtain
2. have great fun
3. healthy healthy
4. happy happy
5. heng heng
6. good weather!

hahaha.. so excited~~~~~

did i really do wrong?

i agreed to Anonymous I, i do not have much knowledge about it.

and all i need is some time to learn.

To Anonymous III, i will definitely not going to do anything to you. and you won die for sure. just let me know if u really feel that what im doing or what i have done in the past is wrong.

its so miserable when you wanted to study but due to financial problem you unable to~~~

Years ago, my teacher had share this in class.