Baby Strokes

I've been trying to plan a winter get-away for Patrick and I this year. In searching for the best airfare, I noticed a great deal on Southwest Airlines...its called the "Wanna Get Away Fare."

I just got off the phone with a very dear friend who had called me to tell me her big news...she's pregnant. She was hesitant and tearful when she told me her news because she didn't want to tell me for fear of hurting me. She has the most exciting news in the world...she should have been shouting it from the rooftops...but, she said she was sick over how to tell me because she hurts for me.

Even Kramer loves a good snowfall...although in this picture, that looks debatable.
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“When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels.” ~unknown

Are you searching for the perfect gift? Here are some of my faves from over the years. Here is my tribute to Oprah's Favorite Things! :) Happy shopping!
1. Fleece Sheets - they put flannel sheets to shame. The downside? They make getting out of bed even MORE difficult on those below zero mornings.

2. Lancome Juicy Tubes lip gloss - a bit spendy for lip gloss but well worth it!

3. Starbucks gift card (even though now I have to drive up to the MSU campus to get my latte) I'm still bitter...

4. Vanilla Noel lotion from Bath and Body works. New for the holidays!

5. Tickets to the musical "Wicked"....or at least the soundtrack...a-mazing!

6. Tastefully Simple Beer Bread. So easy to make and worth every calorie! I bring it to all the Funaro holiday dinners.

7. Chooty blankets. Truthfully the best blanket you could own.

8. For the Pet Lover in your life: Gift certificates to Doggie Daycare. The BEST thing to happen in our family in the past few months!

9. Aveda hair and face products. I'm addicted.

10. My MacBook...OK, this was a "gift" from my school district for work but has quickly become on of the best tools for work and life!

One of my favorite things about Christmas is receiving all of the Christmas cards from our friends and family members in the mail. I place a large photo holder on my kitchen wall and we add every photo and card as they come in the mail. It is so fun to see our friends and family over the years...everyone always smiling....always looking amazing. Life looks so perfect in those pictures.


Here is ours from last year. Some very ambitious friends send letters with their cards and in the letters share all of the magical moments that have occurred throughout the year...selecting only, of course, those moments that they are proud of and willing to share. But what if we were honest about the year? What if we told the whole truth and not just the "good stuff?"


What if in our Christmas letter, I actually talked about the hurt that was happening in our home at that time? What if I shared the fear and pain that lurked behind that closed door in the photo?
What if???

I had a funny conversation today with two co-workers about these brutally honest Christmas letters. We laughed about the possibility of actually choosing to defy tradition and sending letters that told the honest truth about our year....what would that sound like? This was quite funny to us as we joked about doctor's appointments, poor health, kids failing out of college, spouses short comings, frustrating jobs, etc. ...but, driving home today, the reality of that hit me.

Going through this struggle has taught me one thing for sure: everyone has a cross to bear. Every one's "Honest Christmas Letter" would have stories that would truly break our hearts.

Now, I'm not suggesting that we actually send out Christmas letters naming our struggles and embarrassments of the year. There are too many blessings on which to focus. But I will share a glimpse of my reality this past year.


I found this youtube video awhile ago that brought me to my knees. It quite accurately depicts my year of struggling with infertility. In the spirit of truth and honesty, here it is....its only worthwhile if you have your speakers on:

This was too sweet - I received this email today...yes, a forward...I do not even know this family, but, being the dog lover that I am, I thought it was "blog worthy." Maybe you've already read this - maybe it isn't even a true story, but, I'm choosing to believe it is...

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, `To Meredith,' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog.
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Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
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Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love, God

I received a call from the clinic today reporting that my tests came back "normal." WHEW! I'm certainly celebrating today! :)

It is Friday! I am looking forward to a nice night at home with Patrick and Kramer. We plan to watch a holiday movie by the fire tonight...some of our favorites are Home Alone, Elf, Christmas Vacation, The Holiday....all of the classics. It is supposed to snow a bit so, that will likely spark the holiday spirit. I can hardly wait.

As I look at the calendar, I am reminded that last year we were just beginning our doctor appointments. Our first appointment was December 7th, 2007. I'll never forget it. It was a 2 hour appointment. We walked in wide eyed and nervous. A nurse named Leann sat us down and was the first one to give us a glimpse into our new world. She asked us questions, explained causes, described treatments and reminded us that we weren't alone. There were hundreds of couples in our area dealing with the same issue. I think she was trying to be consoling. Bless her heart....

I remember hearing some of the words and phrases and feeling like she was talking to someone else. It didn't feel real. I remember feeling numb. It was a long, surreal two hours. After meeting with Leann, we were sent to the business office where we learned that what we were embarking on wouldn't just hurt our hearts, it was going to hurt our bank accounts, too. Needless to say that first appointment wasn't very fun or easy for either of us. The appointments to follow only felt like a landslide of absolute impossibilities.

It has been a long year but, looking back, I am so proud of how far we've come. A year ago I was angry, resentful, jealous and dumbfounded. "How could this happen to US?" We were good people, we were ready for a baby, we were financially stable, we were married (seemingly quite uncommon these days). We've done everything right.

After many painful "growth spurts," I can now say that I am a very different person. Of course, I have my bad days, but I am no longer the angry, spiteful, depressed person I was back then. I see now that every disappointment this year has truly made me stronger, more empathetic and more accepting of life's uncertainties.

Now, clearly...I do not hope this journey continues much longer...but, if it does, I know it is the way it is supposed to be and that it will be OK in the end.

Now I'm off to Blockbuster to rent a holiday movie to watch...I'm thinking, Home Alone.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. ~Phil Pastoret

Upon returning from a wonderful Thanksgiving with Patrick's family in Sioux Falls, I found several texts, emails and messages from friends and family members telling me that they've read my blog and thanked me for writing it. I, of course, love hearing that others are enjoying my entries - it is so nice to hear...so, thank you!

I only hope that if you choose to spend a few minutes reading this blog, that it will somehow make your day better. Maybe it will help you understand your friend or family member who is dealing with infertility, maybe you are dealing with this issue and find solace in someone whom with you can relate, maybe you currently have a houseful of babies of your own and this blog makes you appreciate those little blessings even more than you already do or, let's be honest...maybe you just like reading stories about my furry baby, Kramer... :)

Whatever the reason - thank you for reading -I appreciate having company on this journey, too.

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“Maybe there are no right moments, right guys, right answers...maybe you just have to say whats in your heart!” - Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw on Sex And The City

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."~

It seems as though everyday I have a friend, coworker or family member who announces her pregnancy. I am at the time in my life when all of my friends are having babies. I have four close friends that are currently expecting. I see them every day, I hear about their morning sickness, I ask about possible names, I watch their bellies grow and I wonder...will I get this chance? Do they know how lucky they are? Do they appreciate this experience...I mean fully appreciate it? Will I be able to share these experiences with them one day?

I know that each of my dear friends who are pregnant deserve their blessings and will make truly wonderful, amazing mommies. I know that I am happy beyond belief for their good fortune....but I also know that I ache for the chance to be in their shoes. I hurt when they talk about hearing the heartbeat of their baby for the first time. I cry when they find out they are having a girl. I melt when my husband says he hurts too.

I am learning that I can feel both ways. I can be wildly happy for my friends' fulfillment and devastated for my own emptiness. It doesn't mean I love my friends any less and it doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human. It makes me honest. It makes me real.

Patrick and I have been working very hard to conceive a dream that comes very easily to most couples. This struggle has given us the chance to be happy for others. Not just happy when it is easy for us to be...but happy for them despite our own breaking hearts. I believe this is the truest, most sincere kind of happiness we can have for our friends...because, we know in our hearts, they deserve it.

Today's Scripture

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

A Prayer for Today

Today I received some news from my doctor that some of my tests have come back as "abnormal." I will head back in for a second round of tests in two weeks to clarify things. I will know more in a month or so.

As I type this I just read over some test results that came back today. We have not received the results we were hoping for but we realize things could be worse. This news only reiterates why we need a break from all of the ups and downs of this journey.

I had my second acupuncture treatment today and am amazed at how that experience is changing my views on medicine. It is unlike any experience I have had with conventional medicine and while, I do not have results to prove this yet, I feel like this path might be more helpful for us right now.

The atmosphere in Dr. Hua's (our acupuncturist) office is calm and serene. Unlike the hustle and bustle at the clinic, it is quiet and peaceful. Dr. Hua spends time with us and is more attentive and observant than our doctors at the clinic who always seem to be too busy for words.


Dr. Hua is diligent and nurturing in our weekly treatments. When I enter her office, I take off my shoes and she has me lay down on a table. There is quiet music playing in the background and a heat lamp that keeps me warm as she checks my pressure points. As she inserts the fine needles into each point on my arms, legs, feet, stomach and neck, it is uncomfortable, but when she is done, I am immediately calm. It feels extremely peaceful.

I am not sure of the exact research behind acupuncture and infertility, however, I have read about how it has worked for many couples who are trying to conceive. I am excited to see if it helps and I am thankful that we are exploring other options.

I am very excited to be taking a break from our routine with doctors for awhile, but, I'm going to continue my acupuncture appointments. I don't know if it will "cure" Patrick and I, but I know there is something I really like about the way I feel afterwards.

Patrick and I have been happily married for over 3 years. We have truly enjoyed the newlywed phase of marriage, however, the past year has been filled with events that were never anticipated but we have come to appreciate for reasons beyond our comprehension.

Here is a quick re-cap:





April 2007: Big day! We've decided to start a family! I'm officially OFF THE PILL!


June 2007: Our first real attempt at baby-making. Of course we are timing it perfectly so that our due date correlates well to the school calendar.


July 2007: We get our first negative pregnancy test. My sister gets the positive (on accident, of course!). She is pregnant with her 5th baby.

August: Negative again. Sigh.


September 2007: Hmm, timing is no longer great when looking at the school calendar. Oh well...they say it takes some people awhile.


October 2007: Negative. We decide to start using ovulation predictor kits. This should work! (Little did we know our road ahead would require MUCH more!) :)


November 2007: I am starting to wonder....still negative.


December 2007: Time to see a doctor. We are both surprised when we are BOTH diagnosed with infertility issues. The waves of tests and results to follow put a damper on Christmas of 2007.


January 2008: More tests and appointments. It seems surreal. This month we tried with doctors and medicine. Here's hoping! I'm certain this is all we needed.

One week later in January 2008: I am too anxious! I take a pregnancy test early and...it is POSITIVE!!! Patrick and I are THRILLED! It is a faint line...so, I retest again in a few days. It turns out negative. Did I miscarry? Confused, I call the doctor...I guess my meds can cause a positive pregnancy test. Sigh. That was a blow.

February 2008: Negative. Devastated. I still can't believe this is happening to us...but we'll press on.

March 2008: We see a specialist in Minneapolis. We are put on meds and told we need to wait 4 months for results....4 MONTHS?!? I was finding it difficult to not be in control of this situation. We just had to sit tight with our fingers crossed for 4 months. Sigh.

*Our baby nephew Carter was born this month. Sweet baby boy! :) Hopefully we can get him a cousin soon!


July 2008: Good news. Things were looking better. It appears the meds are working! We tried again with medicine and doctors' help.


August 2008: Negative again. I'm struggling emotionally but finding out that this really is making me see Patrick in a whole new light. He is my eternal optimist! :) My doctor puts me back on birth control to prepare me for new meds in late August.


August 2008: I began taking injections this month. We have made big lifestyle changes and started seeing a chiropractor, nutritionist and doing acupuncture. I'm researching like mad.



September 2008: Negative. I break down when my doctor puts me back on the birth control pill for another month. This is an emotionally difficult time for us both. I start a new job in the school district. It is a welcome diversion which provides me with necessary flexibility so that I can continue to go to my doctor appointments.



October 2008: Finally - we can try again! I am certain this will be it! We have been seeing big improvements! Unfortunately, Patrick has been on some pretty heavy allergy meds that threw a wrench in things.



November 2008 (Today): Negative. We are not surprised. We need a break. We will take the holidays off and remember what its like to live without pills, injections, doctors appointments, researching, ovulation predictor kits, ultra-sounds, blood tests, estrogen levels, follicles, success rates, sperm counts, or pregnancy tests.


Looking Ahead:
So, there's your quick recap. It makes me smile when I condense this all into sentences. Going through it is a nightmare but looking back, I'm proud of us. It is a journey. One with thousands of ups and downs every month. We have learned to work together, support each other, communicate with each other and love each other in the midst of some pretty tough times. We acknowledge that God is in control and has certainly been guiding us and carrying us through this process. We now look forward to some much needed time off. We need to remember what our lives were like before infertility treatments took center stage at the Van Osdel house. :) We appreciate all of your prayers and concern.