Baby Strokes

I am posting this blog entry in honor of a very dear co-worker and friend, Sue Sundborg, who lost her battle with kidney cancer this week. Sue was a beloved kindergarten teacher. She made a difference in the lives of her students. She made a difference in the lives of her friends. She made a difference in the world. She will be dearly missed by us all.

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, “What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best
option in life was to become a teacher?”

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:


To emphasize his point he said to another guest; “You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?”

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, “You want to
know what I make?”

(She paused for a second, then began...)

“Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?” (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table.)

"I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America .

I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.”

“Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant... You want to know what I make?

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

Journey Update:
(Now, on with the self-involved saga) :)
Today was incredible for Patrick and I.
We genuinely feel like we hit a "reset" button today with Dr. Cofman. He is a brilliant, comical, honest, and genuine doctor. Having been on this journey for over a year now, and having countless doctor's appointments, consultations and check-ups, we totally thought we knew it all. We honestly thought that this appointment was scheduled for us because we were at the end of our "biological baby-making rope." We were surprised to learn that Dr. Corfman believed we were just beginning.

Dr. Corfman looked us both in the eyes and turned everything we believed to be true about our situation upside down. We now have a 6 month plan laid out for us:

We will continue with new meds (Metformin and Clomid) and the same procedures (IUI) for the next 6 months. Our doctor here in Mankato is able to carry out Dr. Corfman's plan for now. That means our insurance will continue to cover parts of this plan. Whew! This also means that we will not have to drive to Minneapolis 3-4 times a month for check-ups and procedures. Whew, again!
Dr. Corfman did not promise us pregnancy. He did not suggest that he had the ANSWER for us. He did not even try to tell us that he could, for certain, get us pregnant. What he did was give us a plan. He gave us hope.
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At the end of the 6 months we will re-evaluate. We will continue saving our pennies for bigger procedures (just in case). We will continue praying our weary little hearts out. We will continue to trust that it is, and always has been, in our loving God's hands.

So, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I truly consider your love, friendship and caring support my gift from God.

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We woke up at 5am and hit the road by 6am in a snowstorm. It was a difficult drive not only because of the roads, but, because we had no idea what to expect from the day. We were nervous and apprehensive.
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When we arrived, I immediately began to survey my surroundings. As we walked up to the check-in desk, I became paralyzed by one thought: Everyone around us in that room was experiencing infertility. I was also shocked by an additional thought: They all looked SO normal. There were couples just like us walking around looking as stunned and overwhelmed as we felt. It stuck with me all day long - how normal we all look and how abnormal we all feel because of our infertility.


As we proceeded through check in, we were given a packet of information and made our way upstairs. We were almost immediately overwhelmed with emotion as we saw the expo stations filled with posters advertising adoption, sperm banks, IVF clinics, conception kits. It hit us hard. We became very emotional. We stole off to a quiet spot to have some time to ourselves. In attempt to distract ourselves and fight the tears that were inevitable, I opened our information packet and tucked in the folder was a travel pack of Kleenexes. I realized something very comforting in that moment. Yes, it was a simple pack of tissues, but it spoke volumes to me.

I was among friends who knew that this would be an emotional day and yes, there would be tears today. I also knew that there would be laughter, learning and love. And that moment began an amazing experience.

The conference began with a keynote speaker, Michelle Tafoya. If you don't recognize the name or the face, you would recognize the voice.

Michelle is a popular sports reporter for ESPN who suffered through years of infertility, miscarriages, a miracle pregnancy and currently, a pending adoption. She began her speech with two words that immediately eased all tension in the room: "Infertility Sucks."

Yup. These people get it.

After her speech, she entertained questions. As people began to ask the questions that were on the forefront of their minds, I realized that, for the first time in over a year, we were in a room FULL of normal, wonderful, caring couples all speaking our same language. A language where Patrick and I both were nodding along, tearing up and laughing at the same thing: "Infertility Sucks" - and the 200 people in that room knew it as well as we did.

We all, unfortunately, get it.

We met so many wonderful people. So many amazing couples. Many of us shared pictures of our furry babies (I am now convinced that infertile couples make the BEST pet owners because, in our emptiness, we MAKE them our babies) ;). We shared support, encouragement and the best part - we shared a common story. Yes, we all hated that any one of us had to be there but it made us quick friends. It felt like the biggest band-aid my heart had felt in a long time. We weren't alone. We weren't abnormal. We just were. And all of these amazing people "were" too.

(I know this is getting long. Bear with me...)

We learned so much about affording infertility (you don't), adoption (amazing), IVF (best results but very involved), communicating with our spouses (tough but makes us unshakable), and many, many other things. Patrick was able to go to a "guys only" session. He apparently made quite an impression on the group when another wife told me that after that session, her husband said Patrick was a "rockstar." Yes, he is. I am so proud of everything he had to share yesterday. He is amazing and inspiring in so many ways to so many people.
We left the day feeling so inspired, overwhelmed, and full. My heart and head both felt as though I couldn't process another thing. I left the conference absolutely raw and still am feeling the effects 24 hours later.

The last thing I need to say on this blog is this: People have an innate need to be understood. If you are struggling with something - death, divorce, parenting, turmoil with anything - be open to finding a support group. I was amazed at how therapeutic it was to have people understand.

I realized yesterday that my mom, my very fertile sister, my pregnant friends are amazing but they don't understand and....I don't want them to understand. I need them to call, text, email, hug, and support me but, I do NOT want them to "understand" me. I don't want anyone to have to go through this to the point that they would "understand." I found those people yesterday at the RESOLVE conference.

Thank you, RESOLVE for the opportunity to connect with others on the same journey. We are forever grateful.

Pictured Above: Infertile Sis (Beth) and Fertile Sis (Melissa) ;)

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From Their BLOG:

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How to tell an infertile family member I'm pregnant.

I'm wondering if you can provide any suggestions for how I can approach the following situation:

This past weekend I found out that my husband and I are expecting our first child. We are very excited and feeling very blessed (and surprised!) since this was our first month "trying." We were definitely not expecting it to happen this quickly, though we were also prepared for the possibility.

My sister-in-law (DH's sister) and her husband have been TTC for over a year. In early December she told me that her doctor is going to start her on Clomid and has reason to have high hopes that it will be successful soon. We're having trouble deciding what would be the best way to tell SIL that we're pregnant. I am very sensitive to how this will affect her and want it be as gentle as possible. We were planning to wait until 8 weeks or so to tell family, but don't know if it would be better to tell her sooner? They live out of state, so would it be better to tell her in person or over the phone so she has time to process it before we see them? I know she had a very difficult time dealing with the pregnancy of her other sister-in-law so am very aware that she could take this badly. I sincerely hope that she is able to get pregnant very soon and would be ecstatic if she tells us they're expecting before we get a chance to tell them!

Melissa's answer:
Your situation hits extremely close to home as this is where I was at almost 2 years ago. I found out I was pregnant with my FOURTH before Rachel had gotten pregnant with her first. She had told me a few months before this that if this situation were to happen, it would be the worst thing that could happen to her….

The mixture of joy and grief flooded me as my assuming turned to knowing when I saw the positive pregnancy test.

Here is how I handled the situation. To be honest with you, I have not asked Rachel if I could have handled it better…she may be able to add some other things.

First of all I prayed. Prayed prayed prayed. Mostly for Rachel. But, I also had to pray that I could be ok with the fact that I was pregnant. That I HADN’T done anything wrong by getting pregnant when she couldn’t (b.c this is the lie that kept nipping at me).

Then I asked a few select people to join me in prayer for her.

For me, I needed to tell her in person. I just knew it would be the best way…however, I KNEW (I have no doubt God warned me of this to ease the hurt on my side) that Rachel would ask me to leave after I told her. (she actually left the room and after awhile asked Joey to ask me to leave)

I will be honest that when I left I REALLY battled for a few minutes with anger….anger that she could be SO devastated by my news when this exact news for herself was exactly what she was grieving for. But, then….I just had sadness. For her. For me. For my baby. I prayed the whole way home (about a 40 minute drive). By the time I was home, I was tear soaked and heavy hearted…but I also felt hope. Somehow, I KNEW that where we were at that moment would not be where we would always be.

The next day Rachel wrote a very raw post on her blog…about how sad she was, how she couldn’t even believe she woke up. That the worst thing in the world had happened the night before….etc.

As you can imagine, this TORE my heart out. I was shaking as I read it. BUT, I can be totally honest when I say I was NOT angry. Just sad. We didn’t talk (except thru email in regards to work only) for 2 days (or almost 2…I can’t remember) and the entire time I prayed for her and spoke to my baby. I told him that he was soo loved and sooo wanted. =) (I had to do that…for my sake!)

Our story turned out wonderful as God was COMPLETELY involved on both ends…and as much as he gave me a grace for Rachel while she processed my baby’s life; He gave her a miraculous healing. Now, on my end I was still extremely cautious of what I said to her about my baby…but we WERE ok.

So, to start over:

-PRAY for her and you. Pray that her heart is protected and yours is FULL of grace

-Have others praying for both of you

-Don’t expect her to be happy or ok

-Expect her to need her space…and be ok with that

-DON’T feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong by being pregnant

-Be tender

I will be praying for you! Please keep us posted as to how the next few weeks/months go for you.

Rachel's answer:
First I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry that you even have to prepare yourself to deliver “bad news” to someone that should only be taken as good news. Being on this side of infertility, it pains me to think how badly I received pregnancy announcements from those I loved the most. And I feel I need to say on behalf of infertile women, I am sorry. We don’t mean to make this hard on you.

You’ve already read how my sister shared her pregnancy announcement with me. I can’t honestly say that’s my recommendation. I only wanted to hear something like this over email. So no one had to see my face, or hear my voice and know I was pained. However an email from my sister probably wouldn’t have been that great either and I think in our case, she handled it perfectly. But I can’t really say I think you should tell her in person.

However, if you feel that an email wouldn’t be the best way, I would suggest your husband talk to her husband (if they’re close enough). If not, then maybe your husband should tell his sister, over the phone.

If you’re planning on doing a group announcement, I beg you to tell her ahead of time. A few days or even weeks ahead of time. It’s not fair to lump them into that group as it will most likely ruin their day. And I’m sorry, I hate even writing that.

I know that this is the most joyous news you’ve ever gotten to give, and I am so excited for you. But I also know this will probably be the worst news she could receive this week (aside from a death). I can tell you that when I found out my sister was pregnant again (her second in the time we’d been trying), I wanted to die. If going to sleep and not waking up was an option, I wanted that option.

My heart felt broken and shattered and tramped on. Not by my sister, though unfortunately she was the vessel, just by infertility. And the unfairness of it all.

So as you go into this situation and you know she might “take it badly”, please be open minded to what she’s going through. The very thing you got to see on the first try, she has seen a negative for over 24 different times.

24, that’s a lot of months to get a negative test. And you never had to experience it (which is wonderful for you!!) but now she has something else to measure her loss against, each month she’s not pregnant, you’re 1 more month pregnant, and adorable, and closer to holding the very thing she wants so badly.

This is wonderful for you, and you should never feel otherwise, but I just hope you’ll truly take her feelings into consideration and let her grieve the way she needs.

This is not a fun situation, for either of you, and I’ll be praying for your relationship.

END

I think it is a beautiful thing to share both sides. I must admit, I haven't taken things as hard as Rachel but there are many truths in her words. I just respect their honesty more than anything. Here is the link to their site if you'd like to read more:
http://www.missandrae.blogspot.com/

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Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there. ~Amy Li

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is hosting a workshop in Golden Valley this weekend. Patrick and I will be attending. We are looking forward to learning more about our options and meeting other couples in our same situation.

Patrick and I enjoyed a unique, educational, AND economical Valentine's Day date yesterday. ;) We started with our regular "coffee stop" and then drove up to St. Paul for the day.







I had scheduled a tour of the MN State Capitol for my "politics-loving" husband. If you know him, you know how passionate he is about government and politics - I just knew he would be totally into it...and, much to my surprise....we both loved it!

I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to not only see but to learn more about your state government. Most capitols offer tours . It was FREE (gotta love that!) and really interesting.

Patrick often dreams outloud of someday becomming an elected official. That being said, he couldn't resist the opportunity to take the podium (it had been set up for an earlier rally). Here he is "taking questions" from the audience. ;)

After our tour, we made our way to Grand Avenue where we found a local pizzeria (The Italian Pie Shoppe). I'd recommend it to anyone! If you find yourself on Grand (or Eagan!), give it a try.

We then shopped a bit and drove back home to Mankato. We enjoyed dinner at home and watched a movie (Say Anything...my all time sappy favorite!). It was a Happy Valentine's Day!

~Author Unknown

Patrick and I have taken a little trip out "West" to Sioux Falls this weekend. I am blogging from my in-laws' kitchen.
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We attended a Jeremy Camp concert Thursday night and are enjoying some time with Patrick's parents. The weather is great in South Dakota and the shopping is pretty good, too. It is always nice to get away. :) Patrick and I both love visiting and, of course, Kramer loves coming to see his Grandma and Grandpa, too!

Patrick and I have recently become big fans of Jeremy Camp and after Thursday's concert, we applaud him even more. It is great to be in a room filled with great music and positive people, all celebrating God's goodness. He has an incredible story about amazing passion, horrific loss and the absolute joy that comes in the morning.

We saw him perform on the anniversary of his wife's death 8 years ago. While on their honeymoon, his wife was re-diagnosed with ovarian cancer and died 3 months after they were married. Now, 8 years later, he is a well known and respected musician who inspires people all over the planet with his testimony. He is currently re-married and has two young daughters whom he clearly loves to no end.

The story of his love, loss and new life is so inspiring...not to mention, he is incredibly talented and gives God all the glory. Pretty amazing. I know we can all learn a valuable lesson from his story. God is good...no matter what.

Update: Our doctor has referred us on to a specialist in Minneapolis. This is such an answer to prayer. We haven't been happy with our doctors here since we began this process, so we are very excited to move on to places with more expertise. That being said, we are (AGAIN) in the waiting game.
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What I've learned is that nothing is easy with this process. There are always hoops to jump through before we can "try" again. So, we'll jump. It is a difficult feeling to be at the mercy of doctors with this process. I'd be lying if I said I was comfortable relying on others to help us with every step of this journey. I often feel very helpless. As someone who has been able to "control" most things in her life, God is teaching me some difficult lessons.
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Your prayers, hugs, emails, texts, phone calls and words of encouragement, are VERY much appreciated. I am constantly amazed by how much the support of my family members and friends sustains me. You know who you are and I want you to know, you are amazing. I am blessed to have so many warm hands holding mine these days. ;)

Today's Scripture

Today's Word:

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Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

(This blog is inspired by a friend and co-worker who struggled for many years with infertility and now has two beautiful children to show for it. She offered some comforting and uplifting words last week while I was coming to terms with the outcome of our last procedure. Thanks, Gwen).

Knowing that there will come a day when all of this is behind us and the infertility journey is long since buried in the hustle and bustle of parenting, I wanted to try to capture our journey in a personal message to our future miracle(s).

Dearest Baby,

I wanted to write you a note so that someday when you are old enough to understand, you will know how much you were loved before you were even born.


Right now, your mommy and daddy are working very hard to find you. We have cried many tears and endured much heartache just trying to make you, our deepest dream, come true.


In fact, there isn't a day that goes by when we don't dream of you. There isn't a fleeting moment when we don't pray for you. There isn't a heartbeat that passes, when we don't ache to have you here with us.


But, right now, God is taking care of you for us. He is holding you in His arms now while your mommy and daddy hold you only in our hearts. We will keep waiting patiently for the day that God brings you into our arms.


Until then...we will wait for you.

We will patiently wait for you, believing with our hearts and souls that, without a doubt, you are worth the wait.