Thursday, April 30, 2009

Grow Seed, GROW!

Do you remember Frog and Toad? As a kid, I loved reading those stories by Arnold Lobel about the friendship between a silly Frog and a funny Toad. As a first grade teacher, I loved seeing my students fall in love with these classic stories, as well.

I remember a particular Frog and Toad story titled, The Garden. It used to be in our first grade curriculum, so I would read it with my students every year. I loved it. Here is the basic plot:

Toad excitedly plants a garden. He becomes very impatient waiting and waiting for his seeds to sprout. Frog encourages Toad to try various things to "coax" the seeds into coming out. You see, they are convinced that the seeds are afraid to come out of the soil. So, Toad sings songs, reads poetry, and plays music to try to get the seeds to grow.

He shouts at them, "Grow seeds, GROW!" He turns himself inside out trying to force his seeds to grow. In the end, in their own time, the seeds sprout. Toad sighs at the end of the story and says he may never grow another garden again because it is such HARD WORK! ;)

I feel like Toad, sometimes.

I know that I make things more difficult than I need to some days. I am working on becoming more patient, but, it doesn't come easily for me. I want things to happen NOW. I want to move forward yesterday. I worry about the timing of everything. I stress about things I can't control. I hear God tell me to "Wait" and to "Trust" and it drives me crazy. Patience is a virtue. I'm praying for more patience every day. I know that God is trying to teach me patience and trust these days. I'm learning - ironically, I'm a slow learner.

This devotion inspired me today. I love the analogy of being a seed. In due time, and with the patience of Saints, everything blooms. :)

***

We all face difficulties and challenges in life. But you have to remember, as a believer, you have the life-giving seed of Almighty God on the inside of you. When you go through disappointments or tough times, you may feel like you’ve been buried. You may feel like you’re in a dark, lonely place. You may feel like it’s the end, but in reality, it’s only the beginning. The fact is, you haven’t been buried; you have been planted. That means you’re coming back. And not only are you coming back, but you’re coming back in increase, better and stronger than before.

In those tough times, you’ve got to draw the line in the sand. Make a declaration, “This difficulty is not going to bury me. This loss, this disappointment, this injustice is not going to cause me to give up on my dreams. I refuse to live in self-pity. I know I am a seed. That means I cannot be buried. I can only be planted. I may be down, but it’s only temporary. I know I’m not only coming back, I’m coming back even better than I was before!”

***

JOURNEY UPDATE:

The birth control pill + the hand of God + a LOT of patience on my part = ZERO CYSTS.

The doctor informed me today that the cyst on my left ovary has disappeared. Patrick and I are excited and hopeful about moving forward this month. I'd love your support in the form of lots and lots of prayers for us in the upcoming weeks. There are many small hurdles on this journey, but, God is proving to me daily that he cares about the small "stuff" in my life, too.

It is an amazing feeling to sit in a doctor's office and feel the arms of your prayers around me. It is such a comfort....so, thank you.

***

Many things grow in the garden that were never sown there. ~Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Furry Baby Story: Lucky the Dog

I shamelessly admit to being a head-over-heels-dog lover. Not a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I received this email forward today and it warmed my heart. I can't tell you its a true story, but, knowing how tenderhearted my own dog is, I can imagine it is. Enjoy this little dog story and, give your pets extra hugs and cuddles for me today. ;)

***

Lucky The Dog....

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.' Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.

Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky.. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him!

The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death. The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.

Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.

When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot.. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.He had covered her with his love.

Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.

Remember....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a gift, and never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.

***

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~Andy Rooney

CONGRATS MARIAN AND JOHN! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, FINN, MADDIE AND BABY ELOISE!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Burden Bearers

I recently bought the book titled, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. I am enjoying it for many reasons, but, one reason in particular. This book has a section at the end of each chapter called, Burden Bearers. This section is written for those who are supporting people who are struggling with infertility, miscarriage or failed adoption.
-
I read this passage last night and found it very helpful.
-
You see, I'm lucky. I have never experienced the horrific loss of miscarriage. I have many friends who have experienced this devastation. I can't imagine having the dream that I dream each month become a reality, only to have that tiny little heartbeat silenced.
-
I never really thought about how I could help (or hurt) these friends. I never thought about this from their perspective. I must warn you, this is heart wrenching, but, in my opinion, a very worthy read.

Here is the excerpt:

***

Burden Bearers written by Jennifer Saake
Communication is imperative. You can have all the general guidelines in the world, but you can best minister to me by getting to know my heart and learning my triggers for rejoicing or heartache. When in doubt, ask me directly.
-
In some ways you are in a "no win" situation. If you ignore me when it is time to send out baby shower invitations or birth announcements, it may make me feel all the more removed from normalcy. Yet if you do include me and I'm having an especially hard day, I may feel you have been insensitive.
-
One idea might be to send me the same baby shower announcement that you are sending to all of our friends but inside, include a handwritten note acknowledging that you know this might bring me pain. Let me know that I am free to come or not, as I so desire, but that you love me and are praying for me.
-
If my baby has died, please do remember my child. Remember that I am a mother. Remember dates of significance such as a due date or the anniversary of our loss.
-
If my miscarriage was "early," don't think my baby was any less a person, any less my child, any less significant, than if he had died later in life.
-
Don't tell me that my baby's death was probably "for the best." I know all about birth defects, better timing in my life, and so forth, but my child is dead. I know that somehow God can work even this for His good purpose, but right now I need you to validate my grief.
-
Make a point of calling my child by name when you are talking with me. While hearing my baby's name might bring tears to my eyes, it is music to my ears.
-
Above all, please keep me in your ongoing prayers. And every now and then drop me a note, phone call or email just to remind me that you are praying.
-

***

Please visit www.hannah.org/resources/friends.htm for additional resources.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Mommy Lessons

I've said it before - I am a "mom" already. I am reminded of this daily with my furry baby Kramer who needs almost as much love, attention and care-taking as a child. In fact, the longer we go without real babies, the more Kramer is turning into one. What can we say - we love him to death! ;)

Lately, I've been learning a lesson in parenting via this 103 lb furry baby. You see, unfortunately, Kramer has some issues.

I hate to say it so bluntly...but, he is a scaredy cat....a big, fat, scaredy cat.

When something scares him, his legs shake. He freezes and won't move. He sometimes musters up a deep, gruff growl and other times jumps up howling like a school girl.

Here are a few scenarios:

-
*I've had to convince him that the vacuum cleaner and laptop cords are safe to walk over. This took some coaxing. For some reason, a cord lying on the floor will stop him in his tracks.

*I have to urge him to go outside on garbage day. He is afraid of the neighbor's garbage can. This makes Mondays interesting for us to get him to go "potty outside."

*Snowmen freeze Kramer in his tracks. He will cross to the other side of the street if we are walking past a yard with a snowman in it. Thank goodness its spring! ;) (However, garage sale signs are also an issue).

*Balloons...need I say more?

*Brake lights - (no, not cars...just the brake lights).

So, let's just say - for the record - Kramer is not much of a watch dog. Bless his heart.

His most recent fear this week has been in regards to our newly, fenced-in backyard. Late last summer, we put up a beautiful black chain-link fence (thanks, Graham King!), just for Kramer. We felt that our choice to own a big dog required us to give him a big, open space in which to run and exercise.

Our backyard is a big, wonderful spot where he can play. The problem is, in order to get down to the yard, Kramer has to go down one flight of deck stairs. You've probably already guess it. He is terrified of the stairs.

So far, we've accomplished getting him to slowly tiptoe down the stairs - one at a time. Whew! Baby steps, for sure! ;) I guess its good parenting practice. I just hope and pray that our children are braver than our sweet Kramer.

***

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. ~Steve Bluestone

Saturday, April 25, 2009

To Share or Not to Share

Not everyone dealing with infertility wants to share their journey with the world. This should come as NO surprise. I've found that many are willing to share after the fact, but during the struggle, it can be embarrassing, hurtful and even impossible to put this journey into words...especially when caught off guard.

I've found that sharing through this blog is the easiest way for me.

There are a few of us out there who need to share the journey. I've seen many other bloggers who post their stories of infertility for the world to read. I'm not sure what possesses us to do so, but, for me, it is the only way to go.

I'm very lucky to have an amazingly strong support system that surrounds me daily. From family to friends to co-workers and email buddies, I am SO thankful for the daily support they offer. I fear if I didn't share our story, I would be miserably alone. As most can imagine, I don't fair well with isolation.

I fully respect those who desire privacy with this topic. It is a very private journey. I completely understand why most of my friends on a similar journey choose to dodge the questions when asked about starting a family or getting pregnant. There are many reasons for doing so and I respect them all. I guess maybe those ladies are stronger than I am - I couldn't do it alone.

For those on a journey of their own (any journey, really) who might be wondering if they should share their struggle or keep quiet, here are several reasons I choose to share in this manner:

1. It allows me to update friends and family when I'm comfortable and on my own terms.

2. It gives us more people to pray for us!

3. It lets my friends and family know when I might need some extra love, care or (yikes!)patience. :)

4. I want to teach people about infertility.

5. I do not know how to be quiet. It must be my Italian blood. (If you knew my grandma Eleanor, you'd be smiling right now...she hasn't been quiet a minute in her entire life).

6. People are able to offer support because they know what's going on during my tough times. (Thanks, Jaime, for the awesome surprise in my mailbox this week. It literally brought me to tears. Laurie, your thoughtfulness is beyond words. I appreciate the kind gestures more than you know!)

7. I don't have to be in a position to be asked uncomfortable questions. My computer never asks. If someone does, I offer them the blog and thank them for caring about Patrick and I. It works well for me.

8. I find sharing very therapeutic.

9. When I post my blog, I don't have to share a story, outcome or result 900 times to those who care.

10. People are MUCH more sensitive to me when they have a glimpse into our world.

11. I'm learning to own this journey more and more with each post.

12. Re-reading old posts is therapeutic for me. I do it often.

13. When our journey is resolved, I will have a story to share our children about how much they were loved and wanted even before they were born...and I will have a recording of this miracle as it unfolds.

***

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Good News!

Yesterday I received an update from our ISD 77 Insurance Representative informing all employees of insurance changes that will go into effect this summer.

It appears that, starting July 1st, we will be receiving more coverage for our treatments. What exactly does this mean? It means that bigger and better procedures are now within our reach! :)

In-Vitro will now be covered by my insurance company. In the past, this procedure was not covered at all.

In-Vitro (IVF) is a procedure that provides the highest pregnancy success rates (60%), however, it also creates the biggest financial burden for couples ($15,000-$30,000). Because of the high cost, it felt out of reach for us at this point in our lives. Now that my insurance will cover the cost of most of this procedure, it appears to be a viable option in the not-too-distant-future.

This insurance update appears to be a very unexpected ray of sunshine this week!

***

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again."

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Kindergarten Lesson

***

I am lucky to have a great job. In this day and age, this is a definite source of gratitude for me.
I currently have the privilege of working in 5 Elementary School buildings in Mankato as a Continuous Improvement Coach. I have the rare opportunity to get into many different classrooms and observe many amazing teachers on a daily basis.

It is so much fun to watch people inspire kids. I absolutely adore teaching - but this has been a year of learning for me in many different ways. After my classroom visits, I often find myself walking away with a surprise "life lesson" under my belt.
Such was the case today.

This morning, I had the opportunity to observe a fantastic Kindergarten class. As class began, they all moved to the Reading Corner where they stood up, placed their hands over their hearts and recited this pledge:

Life Goals Pledge

I will do the right thing today,
even if I don't feel like it.

I will treat people right today,
even if I don't feel like it.

Today I will remember that my will power is stronger
than what I feel or think.

All things are possible today.

Good news is coming my way.

***

Can you picture it? Twenty adorable, little 5-year-old students reciting the words to this Pledge? It was incredible. I was touched and inspired. If these little miracles, who are just learning how to live life, can pledge to live each day like this....shouldn't I?

I definitely learned a valuable "life lesson" today.
Thank you Bridges Kindergarten class!
***

"All I ever needed to know, I learned in kindergarten."

Friday, April 17, 2009

Daily Devotion

The Next Chapter

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed"
(Psalm 139:16, NLT)

TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Did you know that God has already recorded every part of your life from the beginning to the end? He knows every disappointment, every loss, every challenge; and the good news is that your story ends in victory! God has written out a plan to bless and prosper you. Your final chapter concludes with you fulfilling your God-given destiny. Here’s the key: when you go through a disappointment, when you go through a loss, don’t stop on that page in your life. You’ve got to decide to keep moving forward. There’s another chapter in front of you, but you’ve got to be willing to take the next step.

Sometimes, we get so focused on what didn’t work out that we stay stuck, reliving the disappointment. If that’s you, recognize that you’ve been on that page long enough. It’s time to let it go and turn the page to the new chapter God has in store. You may not understand, it may not have been fair, but remember, the next chapter is full of blessing, full of favor, and full of victory! Make the decision to let go of the old so you can move forward into the abundant life God has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Heavenly Father, thank You for the good plan You have for me. Today, I lay aside the disappointments of the past knowing that You have blessing in store for my future. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

Thursday, April 16, 2009

www.hannah.org

My wonderful cousin, passed on a very helpful website today:

http://www.hannah.org/

This website is designed for women and men who strive to see God's hand in the midst of the infertility journey. I just ordered the book, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility by Jennifer Saake.

I am a firm believer in owning the struggle, seeking support and learning from the journey. This website is a gift of support. I'm never ashamed to admit that I need a little help now and then! :)

I'm happy to pass it on to others who may find it helpful.

Thanks, Jen. ;)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The "Brave" Cowardly Lion

Courage, also known as bravery, will, intrepidity, and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

***

I think that everyone enduring infertility treatments has a lot of courage.

Consider this, if you will...
Every 30 days, we are dropped in Oz.
We put on our ruby slippers of hope and start skipping down the yellow brick road of infertility. We face the flying monkeys (doctor's offices). We fight the Wicked Witch (with Clomid ;)). We find the Wizard (if we can). And, with Toto loyally at our feet, we fight all the way to the Emerald City where we click our heels together and chant our wishes with the utmost sincerity.

All we wish is to make it to the other side of this rainbow.

Then, we brace ourselves....and time after time, we find out the Wizard was a fake. We end up feeling like the poor witch squashed under Dorothy's house. We are sent back to the beginning of the yellow brick road. Dreams are shattered and hope melts as quickly as the Wicked Witch at the end of the story.

It would be easy to give up. It would be easy to toss those slippers over to the Wicked Witch and surrender our dreams. But wouldn't we always wonder: "What was over that rainbow?"

The amazing thing about this journey, is regardless how scary it is or how painful it feels, there is no stopping the quest. I am anxious to begin again each month as are my dear friends who are on the same journey. No monkey, witch or wizard can keep us all from following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" the whole way.

We take the medicine, knowing it will make us crabby, fat and sick. We visit the doctor, knowing that any minute we could get more bad news. We take that pregnancy test, remembering how it feels to melt into a puddle upon hearing that word: NEGATIVE. All of that said - we wouldn't trade that for the world because it means we have hope.

This is all pretty impressive when I consider the level of courage it takes to sustain this journey.

So, to those who are currently undergoing infertility treatments - or have in the past - I honor you. You deserve a medal of COURAGE. The next time I make it down that yellow brick road and up to see the Wizard - I'm getting one for myself.

***

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Book Camps 4 Kids!

I thoroughly enjoyed spring break last week. I'll never understand teachers who complain about their jobs. How blessed are we that we get a week of freedom each spring (not to mention winter break, summer break and fall break, to boot)? ;)

Of course, it went by WAY too fast. I was busy spending time with friends and enjoying some blessed freedom. ;) Des Moines was a blast and seeing my family was great!

Yes, it was a wonderful week.

Now...its back to work. However, working in education, that means only 8 more weeks until summer vacation! I love summer, however, for me...there is absolutely no "vacation."
I have 4 jobs in June, July and August. I love it. Let's face it, the diversion is nice and the extra income is even better. ;) One of my jobs is my own little "project" called Book Camps 4 Kids.

"Book Camps 4 Kids"

A little bit about it:

The Book Camps 4 Kids program aims to increase children's desire to learn. We will increase the motivation to read by providing authentic, hands on experiences using today's popular books like the Junie B. Jones series, the American Girl historical book series' and the Magic Tree House fiction and nonfiction guide book series. We will connect this rich literature to the lives of children by providing meaningful, engaging activities that will truly bring the "books to life" for our campers. Our goal is to provide enrichment opportunities for students thus promoting educational growth. We take pride in challenging children and fostering a love for learning.

***

The best part about running the Book Camps is that I get to see kids fall in love with learning again. School can get pretty full of tests, schedules, and workbooks. Kids can burn out pretty quickly...and I don't blame them! In my Book Camps, we read about exciting adventures, interesting relationships and engaging characters. We also participate in hands on activities that keep them active and energized.

Check it out the website and share it with a friend!

***

http://www.bookcamps4kids.com/

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Easter!

We are heading to Des Moines for the holiday! We'll spend the weekend with my Italian relatives - who always serve up great fun and great food, no doubt!

My grandma has called three times in the last week to ask what time we'd be arriving. She assures me that she's been cooking for weeks and has "everything ready." (This means she'll have enough pasta to feed an army and enough love knots to feed all of the starving children in Africa).

Visiting Des Moines is always a hoot. We enjoy being surrounded by the love and liveliness of the Funaro Family. There is never a dull moment. In honor of my heritage, I've included a little list that made me laugh. Enjoy!

You know you are Italian if:

1.You called pasta "macaroni."

2.You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."

3.Your family dog understood Italian.

4.Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

5.You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

6.You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

8.You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday.

10.You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11.You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

12.You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

13.Your Mom's/Grandma's main hobby is cooking.

14.You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

15.You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.

16.You never knew what to expect when you opened the margarine, after all you thought washing out and reusing margarine containers was normal.

17.You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

18.You ate your salad after the main course.

19.You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

20. Pasta was the main course at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter holidays.

21.You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

22.Your grandmother never threw anything away, you thought seeing washed plastic bags hanging on the clothes line was normal.

23. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school, you would pray that you didn't have capicola again.

24.You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

25.You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

27.You have at least six relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or Mary.

28.You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

29.You have relatives you don't speak to.

31.You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos.

34.You thought that talking loud was normal.

35.You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

36.You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.

37.Your mother is overly protective - no matter what your age.

38.There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including the cellar

39.Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.

40.You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father. (Oh, and he had to be Italian)

41. February 14th is VALENTIMES Day

44.Every condition, ailment, misfortune, or memory loss was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.

***

"Ciao!"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Confronting a Bully

A big heartfelt THANK YOU to my dear friend, Teri, who spent the day with me yesterday and my wonderful husband, Patrick, who treated me to a very romantic "date" last night. What you both did for me yesterday meant more than you know. You guys are amazing. ;)

***

After receiving more bad news this week, I finally reached my breaking point. I did not feel sad, I did not feel defeated, I felt ANGRY. Infertility has been the biggest, meanest, most insensitive bully in our lives for the past year and a half. Learning to deal with this bully has been quite a process for me.

This bully has pushed me down again and again and again. I fight to get back up again and again and again. Not getting up again has never been an option - appealing, at times, but never an option. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting pushed down.

In the beginning I was terrified of this bully. The appointments, medicines, and diagnosis' scared me to death. Later, I became helpless. I felt as though I could do nothing but surrender and let this journey take over every facet of my life. Then, I became exhausted. I was so tired of the fight I was ready to let go.

Now...I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm tired of surrendering my life to this bully. I'm ready to fight back and take back my life.

***

This is what I've learned this week: When you wallow long enough...you get sick of it. I actually got so tired of it, I became furious. I hung up the phone after the doctor called informing me of the cyst and I screamed. (It actually makes me laugh about that now, because, I'm sure it looked ridiculous. Thank goodness I was alone. Kramer and Patrick may have had me committed! ;) It actually felt amazing. I will NEVER underestimate the power of a good scream from now on.

I now feel empowered. I have been blessed with so much more to celebrate and cherish that I can no longer afford to sacrifice my time and energy to this bully. It is what it is. I am washing my hands of it. This doesn't mean we won't continue trying with doctor's help if/when we can. It does mean I'm done letting it become me. I'm done letting it control me. I am NOT only a girl dealing with infertility. I am much, much more than that - and that part of me has been ignored for too long.

Maybe I'll take Gretchen's advice and start a garden. Gretchen, that sounds so wonderful! I think it can be a beautiful picture of those parts of our lives that are still growing and blooming regardless of our latest test results, appointments or prescriptions. Love it!

And, what about this blog? I wonder if it is healthy to continue to tell this story. For some reason, I feel compelled to document our journey and open it up for others to read it. I don't know why. Is it necessary? No. It is actually quite scary at times. I fully recognize that putting this "out there" leaves the door wide open for criticism, judgement and insult. I sincerely hope that is not the case, but I fully recognize that possibility.

I can only leave that up to you. I will continue writing with sincerity and honesty. I have found a friend in this blog. It has become an outlet of reflection for me and I love writing it. I have no idea who reads it. If you do, please don't hesitate to let me know. I love to hear from people who choose to read it. It makes me feel like some part of this journey is appreciated or at least informative. There is such solace in having company on this journey.

Our journey is not over. Nor do I believe it is in vain. I am absolutely, without a doubt, stronger and better because of it and I know there will come a day when I am thankful for it.

***

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Little Engine That Couldn't

I had another doctor's appointment today. We were preparing for another round of hope but instead got some pretty bad news. I have developed a cyst on my left ovary. I don't know where it came from or why it has chosen to appear, but, it has dashed our dreams for awhile. My doctor is hopeful that a month or two on birth control will "cure" it.

I feel like the Little Engine That Couldn't today.

***

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

~Thomas Edison

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Another Note to Baby

Failure is really frustrating.
-
Infertility is, in essence, monthly failure. We pour our heart, soul, finances, time, body and mind into something and every 30 days, we FAIL.
-
It is tough. Lately, there have been moments when I've considered being done with this journey. I've entertained the idea of surrendering. Maybe this is just too difficult for me. Mourning a dream felt easier than trying and FAILING month after month after month....

Well, I am absolutely not OK with that. So, I've written another letter to our future miracle.

***

Dearest Baby,

It has been almost 2 years now since we decided to come looking for you. I remember in the beginning, we were so excited. We thought that any day you were going to show up in our lives. Your daddy and I talked about what we'd name you. I described how I wanted to decorate your room. We even laughed about how your dog, Kramer, would love being a "big brother" to you.
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Well, these 2 years have passed and we are still desperately searching for you. Your room is still empty and we have yet to even glimpse your arrival. There are days when we cry because trying to find you makes our hearts hurt. There are moments when it feels like you will be away from us forever. I know that is not true...but, sometimes your mommy's heart and head don't get along very well.
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I need to make you a promise today. I need to tell you that I will NOT stop looking for you. Even when it isn't easy, I will keep hoping. I know God wants us to be together...just not yet. I trust that He is still taking good care of you. (I'm guessing you're so fantastic that He doesn't want to give you up just yet.) ;)

I need to tell you that you that we will not give up. You are worth the wait. You are worth every tear and frustration....You are worth it all.

***

We will begin our journey again within the next few weeks. We will be heading to Minneapolis for all of our treatments. Here's hoping for a miracle!

***
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
~Author Unknown

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