Thursday, December 30, 2010

It is OK in the End

December is always one of my favorite months.  First, I adore the holidays more than I should.  I start decorating, Christmas shopping and sneaking a little XM Holly Holiday music before Thanksgiving (insert gasp here).   Second, my birthday is December 21.  Third, being an educator, I enjoy a blissful little piece of heaven called, WINTER BREAK.  Ahhhh, no wonder December is a little jewel of a month for me.  ;)

 (Xmas cards are always a December "perk" as well)

December also marks an important anniversary for me.  It is always a milestone end to each year.  December 7, 2007 we had our first doctor's appointment in the fertility wing. You can read about it here.   It has been three years since this whirlwind first began.

I wrote, a few posts back, about the well-earned, 20/20 view with which hindsight blesses us.  I so wish I could sit down with myself on that December day and share some insight into what lies ahead. I would have so much to share.... 

The main thing being, that it is OK...in the end.

Obviously, there are reasons why we don't know our future or can't see what lies ahead, we would never be able to handle it.  Knowing that, I'd still love to have a conversation with myself sharing what I know now about this journey.  

It might sound a little like this....

Beth....

You are about to embark on a journey that will change who you are from the inside out.  You are about to learn more than you ever wish you had to learn.  After today, you will never be the same.  Buckle up.  Hold on tight.  Take a deep breath.  Life is about to take you on one hell of an unexpected ride and you will be OK in the end.  I promise.  It is not the end, yet, so....hold on.  

You will endure many mornings and afternoons in this clinic and many more clinics to follow.  You will complete 14 (...or was it 15?  I've forgotten at this point) IUIs.  You will get pregnant twice and you will lose those both of those pregnancies.  You will receive nearly 50 negative pregnancy tests.  That means, your heart will break nearly 50 times in the upcoming years.  You will turn 34.  You will not get pregnant.  You will not have a baby.  You will not be a mom.
.
...and I promise you with every fiber of my being, you will be OK in the end, its not the end yet, so....hold on. 

You will not only be OK, in fact, you will be better than you are today.  You will be stronger, happier, more peaceful and more excited about life.  I know you find this impossible to believe right now, but, you will.  I know you think that the only path to happiness for you is becoming a mom, and for a long while, this will be all you dream about, but that will change.  You will find happiness and peace and joy, in the end.  Its not the end, yet, so...hold on. 

Right now, you are consumed, passionate and determined.  You are also very impatient.  You recognize this right away.  (Read about it here).

You will fight hard for this dream.  You will lose many of those fights.  You aren't good at losing now, but, you will be.  You will learn that with each loss comes a win, so....really, you'll realize soon, that there are no losses in life.  You don't understand that now, but, you will in time.  I promise.

You will become frustrated and angry and sad. You will cry harder than you've cried yet.  You will find comfort in your sadness for awhile.  You will even let it control you for awhile.  But, then, you will grow weary, tired and fragile.  You will be fragile and volatile for a long while.  This will be difficult for you and for those around you.  Please know, this time is crucial for you to learn to let go of your time line and your expectations.  This will be a lesson that will serve you well - it is so hard to learn - but, it will change your life.

You will struggle with your friendships.  Many, many, many of your friends will have babies - 2, some 3 or 4 during your journey.  (Read a little bit about it here). You will wrestle with so many emotions and you will experience moments of anguish, envy and depression.   You will become most frustrated by the fact that others can't understand what you're feeling.  You experience these emotions so strongly and you need people to understand what you're feeling but....they can't....and they won't....ever.  You will learn to let this go.  You will settle down and find peace, and, it will surprise even you.  What's even more surprising....your family and friends will not abandon you during this time.  They may give you space....they may give you time to process.....they may not understand....but, they do not leave.  You will find this (and will continue to find it) an amazing and humbling blessing. 

You will even make new friends on your journey.  Friends who do "get it" (read here).  This journey will bind you to other women.  You will support and be supported by so many amazing, strong, and incredible women.  The bond you will forever have to women who have traveled your journey is unshakable.  You will find an incredible comfort in these relationships. 

You will go through so much with Patrick....you have no idea.  You are so blessed.  You have married an amazing, strong, patient and supportive man.  You will find yourself being grateful for him more and more with each upcoming pitfall.  You will watch him evolve into a strong, passionate and determined man.  You will fall more in love with him than you ever thought possible.  He will be more patient with you than you deserve (let's face it, you can be incredibly difficult  :).  He will hold your hand through tests, procedures, surgeries and depression.  He will love you through it all.  You will come to learn that your marriage is only better because of this journey.  

You will....I promise....be thankful for this journey in the end....its not the end right now, so...hold on.

You will cry your eyes out and scream at God and ask "why?" over and over and over again.  You will fall, hard.  You will come undone.  Your heart will break over and over and over again.  You will go through times when you question your endurance.

And then, one day, and I can't tell you when, it will start to get easier.  

You will start to find relief in your journey.  You will start to get excited for your future.  Through the patience and support of your husband, friends and family, you will begin to heal....and with that healing, you will start to see glimpses of yourself (only better) again. 

You will find God, again....but, not the God you knew before.  You learn that your God has higher expectations for you than you anticipated.  You find your God tested you and tried you and broke you and forced you to evolve and to improve.  You will learn that your God won't let you rest back on your laurels and be mediocre.  Your God will push you to discover your inner passion and strength....and you will rise to the occasion (at times kicking and screaming  :)....and you will be so proud of yourself....in the end.

You will find peace and fulfillment again in the truest sense.  You will find yourself unconsciously whispering prayers of gratitude in place of your cries for answers.  You will be whole....in the end.

The "END" does not mean you'll give up on your dream.  You will still be very passionate about becoming a parent.  You will always believe in your heart that this miracle will unfold for you but, you realize, it will unfold without time lines, anguish, obsession or strife.


I know this to be true.  You see, I traveled the path you are about to travel.  I experienced the blood, sweat and tears along the way.  I have seen this journey through to the end....but, not the end you (or I!) expected....but, rather, the end that we earned and the end that I believe, with all my heart, to be worth every second of the journey.
I am not pregnant.  I am not a mom.  But, I have reached the end of this journey...and it is OK.

I promise.  I know.

You'll be better than OK

....in the end.

Here is an e-mail that was sent to me last week. It inspired this blog and made it obvious to me that I had reached the end....and I really was better than OK.
***
Hi there.....
From time to time, I take a peek at your blog.  You gave me access, so I never feel like I'm intruding.
Today I read your reflections on the stages of grief.  I remember our visits and I can remember and recognize the stages with which you were dealing at the times we talked.
I'm so proud of you, Beth, as I know that this has been despairing journey for you and Patrick.  Lately I've noticed, your smile is genuine, your laughter is raucous, and your look to the future seems more content.
You are talented, beautiful inside and out, and so very kind.  The next part of your journey, the wonderful part, is just now beginning.  I feel it in my heart that God has a magnificent plan for you.  Be patient.....
See you in January.
Always, 
XXX
 

Note:
Thank you for reading that long post.  I have been sitting with it and revising it and editing it for a few weeks now.  It is time....."Baby Steps," as it was, has come to an end.  I am closing this blog and will be making a book of the posts from 2008-2010.   I am not closing the hopes and dreams of becoming a parent (and never will ;) .  I believe with all my heart that it will happen some day.  I also know that the journey on which I embarked 3 years ago with this blog is over. 

Please, please, please leave me a comment on this post or send me an email if you've traveled this journey with us.  I want to bind these memories and remember the people who joined us (via this blog), along the way.  

I will continue blogging.  I hope you continue to travel along with me, as I know that the journey will continue, in a new way.  This blog will take on a new look and a new purpose in 2011.

Please check back soon.  
***
***
Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.  
~Lazurus Long



COMMENTS:
Hilary Harris ZachryBethany Funaro Van Osdel
love your latest post!!! brought tears to my eyes. i love you!!!
 
Hi,


I just read your blog awhile ago, Beth, and I am still crying. I couldn't stop thinking about your writing a book.  What a beautiful, strong woman you are Beth and how amazing it is that you have brought yourself to say it's OK.  You are one in a million.


You and Patrick have fought this long journey and in my heart I know there are good things ahead for you to share.  What God's plans are or why He has plans that don't seem what we want, He knows why. 


I love you both so much!! You are an inspiration, Beth and Patrick (and of course, Kramer.


Carole


Hi Beth,
 
I loved your last post.  Thank you for giving inspiration.  I know I  
have not been been down the same road as you as far as becoming a  
parent, but I have learned so much through your blog.  You inspire me  
to be a more positive person.  You are truly a blessing to all who  
come in contact with you.  I have the utmost faith in your future and  
all it holds for you and Patrick, and how awesome it is how ya'll have  
evolved!  Wow!  Great things are coming your way and I can't wait to hear about them!
 
I miss you tons and wish we could go have a beer right this second!
 
Much love to you,
Nat
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Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Merry!

***
What is Christmas?  It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future.  It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.  
~Agnes M. Pahro
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Thursday, December 23, 2010

TOO MUCH SNOW!

Signs You Have Too Much Snow:

11.  You factor in the snow and ice while planning your driving routes and ETAs.

10.  You get snowed in at your parent's house for 3 days....

9.  Your parent gets snowed in at your house the following week.

8.  You're measuring snow in FEET....not inches.

7.  Mornings are starting to look like a Snow-Blowers Convention in the neighborhood.

6.  Your 100 lb Golden Retriever gets lost in the hills of snow in the front yard while attempting to go potty.

5.  You are worried your deck may collapse.  Seriously.  Or you watch your NFL stadium collapse.  (I have a theory, however, that it wasn't the weight of the snow that made the Metrodome collapse, but rather the weight of shame from the Vikes performance this season....I've collapsed myself during a few Viking's games this year).


4.  You enjoy the warm weather when the temp reaches a balmy 18 degrees.
3.  You wait at the window, with baited breath, for your "savior's" return....the Snow Plow Guy.

2.  You wake up in a daze, daily, to call the school hot line to see if you are indeed two hours late....again.

1.  You start singing a modified Christmas Carol, "I'm dreaming of a not-so-white, Christmas."

***
...but, if you're a true Minnesotan, these are the days for which we live, because we know that they make spring oh-so sweet.  ;)
***
Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.  
~Edith Sitwell
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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Waiting for Santa

Waiting.....

 And Waiting....
And Waiting.....
For Santa.
 ************************************
What's on Kramer's Christmas List?  
Surely not more toys or bones...(sigh).

Or TREATS?!  
(Thanks, Grandma Kay and Grandpa Larry....
Kramer loves to share mix with us).
 ***
Maybe some of his favorite things?


 

***
As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, 
Christmas is.  
~Eric Sevareid
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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Stage 7

***
I recently posted a blog about being done with the obsession of our journey.  Having closed some doors, I've been able to clear my head - look back - and also, look ahead, on my life.  My perspective is certainly more clear - and with that clarity comes hindsight.  

The unfortunate thing about hindsight is that you have to weather some storms and some serious nightmares before one can finally enjoy the well-earned, 20/20 view.  While in the throws of treatments, I wish I had the clarity I have now - but - that's the beauty of it all - in order to learn the lesson (really learn it), one must experience the journey.  

...and, let me assure you, it has been a process.   And, thanks to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the process has a name. 

I have recently become aware of the fact that, over the course of the past three years,  I've been slowly going through the stages of grief, more clearly defined by Kubler Ross as the Grieving Process.  While I am well aware that the true definition of the Grieving Process is in coming to terms with the death of a loved one, we all know that grief exists in other circumstances.  Thankfully, I've not been grieving the loss of a loved one through death, injury or illness....but, still, I've grieved.  I've grieved the loss of a dream.

So, here is my reflection on the 7 Stages with which I feel closely acquainted.  I've responded to each in purple.  Keep in mind, these are personal reflections.  Not every woman experiences the grief and loss of infertility in the same way.  This is simply how it affected me....and how it continues to influence my life.

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief": 

1. SHOCK &DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of (each) loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

I am not sure how long I spent in Stage 1.  I remember vividly telling a friend about some appointments and saying, "I feel like I'm sharing someone else's story."  It didn't feel real for quite a long time, that's for sure.  I knew little about infertility and never....ever.....expected to experience it.  I'm guessing no woman does. 

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.  You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

I can re-read blog entries from years ago and feel the pain I felt during this time.  It is very therapeutic for me to remember this stage.  I'm proud of the way I processed - admittedly it wasn't always pretty, but, I can recognize now its significance and necessity in processing our situation.
   
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.  You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.

Yup, as you can imagine, Stage 3 raged for me.  I am a very passionate person which leads to strong emotions.  I felt very angry.  While I never blamed anyone for my situation, I questioned God a lot.  I got very angry with doctors and test results.  I was impatient with my body and Mother Nature - quite frankly - was on my hit list.
 
The relationships in my life that weren't deeply connected...ended.  While it still surprises me that some people abandon someone who is hurting, I am actually grateful for that result.  It is during an ugly phase such as this when you realize just which relationships have staying power in your life.  As one friend put it, "Just because friends may not like the journey, real friends don't run away." 

It speaks volumes to the character of a genuine friend who will weather the storms with us.  I am blessed beyond measure by some amazing friends, family and above all, a forgiving, compassionate and understanding husband.  I love you all.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
 
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

This is the most recent stage I remember with which I struggled.  Coming to terms with each monthly loss did depress me.  Reaching the point of absolute exhaustion - mentally, physically, spiritually - takes its toll.  I was depressed.  I preferred to stay home.  I didn't want to be social.  I just wanted to be alone.  I felt incredibly empty as I focused on the possibility of never having children.  Even typing this makes me sad....it was a tough time.....and it wasn't too long ago.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

After a few all-time lows, meeting with Jane (http://vanosdel.blogspot.com/2010/09/meeting-with-jane.html ) was the catalyst for my upward turn. 

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.

 Stage 6 is still "in process" for me.  I'm enjoying getting back to my social life and starting to remember what its like to do things for my health - not solely for "baby making."  

Stage 6 has been very productive, energizing and fulfilling.


For those reading this who are in the throws of infertility - find ways to treat yourself.  Travel, pamper yourself, enjoy your life NOW.  There are so many ways to find fulfillment without kids....if you question it, just ask a busy mom what she wishes she had time to do and then, go and do it....because you can.  ;)
 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this (journey). But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your (situation) without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 

Like I said, it wasn't easy....but, I realized the other day that I'm energized, hopeful and content with life as it is in the Van Osdel world.  It dawned on me.... 

 I had reached Stage 7.  

I absolutely dabble in each stage from time to time, but I don't live in them anymore.  While I know I'll stop in Stages 1-4 in the future, I won't need to stay long.  

I definitely have a new appreciation for my many gifts and blessings.  I am now content with my life as it is....not as I wish it were.  I'm moving on for now.  While motherhood may be in my future, it isn't who I am now....and that is OK....in fact, it is pretty dang amazing.

***
Some may feel that this personal analysis is overly dramatic.  Some may suggest it over-emphasizes the depth to which infertility affects women.  To that I say grieving is not a competition, nor is it something anyone can fully explain.  It is unique to each individual and the grieving process, as it relates to infertility, is unique to each couple. 
***
She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.  ~George Eliot
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