Baby Strokes

The story behind the card - because there always is a story behind the perfect smiles and pristine clothes, right?

Kramer wouldn't cooperate because, well of course, the woods behind my parent's house were way more interesting than my dad calling his name repeatedly and Patrick and I trying to shove his 100 pound frame in the "perfect" position.  Every time we lined up for the "perfect" shot, he decided to sit "perfectly"....only 180 degrees backwards. 

So, the end result didn't turn out "perfectly" - but, it is "perfectly us" - rather goofy, quirky and...well....*real*, I guess.  So, we had several ideas in using the backwards Kramer shot....

So, there is our story behind the card.  It is all about the moments behind the captured shot to me anyway.  Anyway, enjoy the holiday season - any way you look at it! 

I love, love, love the holiday season.   I adore holiday music.  I am obsessed with holiday movies.  I find this time of year absolutely heart warming.  I will often plant myself in front of the TV when the holiday classics air....yes, even the cartoons.  I love them.  I think it is because they remind me of being a kid.  What's funny is that this year, while cuddled up watching Rudolph, I realized that I have a lot in common with the Bumble.  You know him...here he is:

But....is it really?  Nope....not for me, at least.  Just like the Bumble, hitting rock bottom can be the exact opposite....it just depends on how we react.  Newton describes it through his law of motion:


So, what was the Bumble's reaction to the external force off of the long, devastating fall off the highest cliff in the North Pole onto his rock bottom?

So, there it is.  My true connection with the Bumble.  When I hit the bottom, I crash - but, I don't break....like the Bumble, eventually, I bounce.  Bouncing has little to nothing to do with the rocks at the bottom of my crash - it has everything to do with my reaction to it.  I can't stop myself from being sad, or coming undone, or melting down, sometimes.  But, I can control my reaction to that sadness. That scares the crap out of me, sometimes, because it means I am in control.  I am not a victim.  Much to my chagrin.  Being a victim is so much easier.  'sigh'  

This journey has given me perspective on emotions that i wouldn't have had the opportunity to gain, otherwise.  I'm thankful for that....and, I'm thankful I have learned that I can hit rock bottom and remain in tact.  Oh c'mon, let's be honest.  It doesn't always happen quickly.  There are times when my rock bottom gets the best of me for longer than I'd like to admit.  But, at the end of the day, I know I'll rebound.  Just like the Bumble....I will shift momentum....I will re-gain control.

Patrick and I are giving thanks and reflect on our many, many, many blessings during 2011.  In fact, we remain certain it was our BEST year yet, even in the midst of our (still) tumultuous quest to find our little miracle(s).  So, here I sit - coffee in hand.  Beer bread baking in the oven.  Kramer snoring at my feet.  Waiting to load up the car and head to the Funaro Thanksgiving celebration....I am THANKFUL.
 (Funaro spread....unfortunately, we forgot our camera for the Van Osdel celebration in Sioux City)



1.  My husband's optimism, patience and love.  Really - as far as husbands go - they don't come better than mine.  Yeah, pretty sure.  They.  Just.  Don't.
2.  Patrick and I are both insanely in love with our jobs this year.  I am back teaching - and he is now managing a team of young, enthusiastic IT professionals.  We are blessed with great careers.

3.  Our new Keurig.  (Thanks Larry and Karolyn) - I enjoyed my first cup of coffee brewed in our new Keurig.  I loved it!  Kramer....not-so-much.  It scares him.  He ran downstairs.  I will not be feeling thankful if I have to choose between my coffee and my dog....so, I sure hope he gets accustomed to the noises it makes!

4.  The support of my dearest friends.  There are those friends, you know the ones....who have stayed by your side in good times and bad.  The friends who, really, are more like family.  You know who you are - I am thankful I can share anything and everything with you guys.  I love you very much.  ...and I am very thankful for modern technology (i.e. fb, texting) that allows us to stay close.


5.  Words With Friends.  Even when I lose.  I love it.  If you play - and haven't found me - find me!  (bethvo)

6.  4th Graders.  They rock.  I love all 22 of mine.  ;)


7.  Shopping trips/lunches/outings with my mom and sister.  Just one of the many things I look forward to this holiday season - and beyond.
8.  The love and prayers of our family.  Patrick and I are blessed to have supportive, loving families.  We know we are stronger because of their support.

9.  Yoga.  I have recently begun practicing Ashtanga (Prep) at our local Sun Moon Yoga studio.  It is the most amazing, relaxing, intense workout.  I love how peaceful the studio is - and the energy with which I leave.

10.  Kramer remains to be the sweetest, most gentle dogs on the planet.  I have received permission from ISD 77 to use him in my classroom this year.  He will join us each month as a reward for kids who meet their personal goals.  The kids (and parents!) are so very excited.  I am confident it will be a very cool thing for the kids, myself and Kramer.


11.  Baylor football...RG III....lovin' my alma mater in sports this year. HOW FUN it has been to watch them tear it up this season. 
12.  Options.  We are so thankful for the options in front of us as we look ahead to 2012 with anticipation and optimism.  We know our family is in God's hands.  We look forward to the day He blesses us with our miracle(s).

*Thank you for continuing to support us through your prayers and kind words.  I can't tell you how much the emails, texts, letters, and prayers have meant to us as we continue to fight for our dream.  It hasn't been easy - and there have definitely been moments where we thought we might have to quit - just from sheer exhaustion.   

Please, I beg you, continue to offer your support this upcoming year.  We haven't reached our goal yet - we have a long way to go - we can NOT do this without you.  Thankful is an understatement.

Kramer had a fun Halloween at the Paw.  I had the pleasure of judging 110 dogs in a doggie costume contest.  Kramer didn't enter...he only wore his Super Kramer costume for about 11 seconds.  ;)  He had fun playing with his buddies and going into the haunted house...well, making daddy go into the haunted house....and winning prizes.  His doggie daycare, The Paw, puts on an amazing Halloween party.  It is a HOOT!  ;)

 Kramer love his doggie daycare.  We are starting to understand why he loves it SO much...you see, we've learned that he has  BIG Kramer-sized Krush on his teacher at the Paw.  We're almost convinced he might leave us one day for her....

Dearest Little Miracle,

It has been awhile since I last wrote just to you.  Here we are....4 1/2 years later....still waiting.  I've written to you before and told you just how long we've been waiting and how hard we are working to find you.  We know you are more than worth every bit of waiting.

You may not know this, but, you are such a good teacher for me....even now...before we know each other.  You've helped me see that waiting can be "OK"....good, even...and I never thought I would ever say that. 

Yes, you are a brilliant little teacher, already.  


You see, I used to wait for you in a sad place.  I used to stop and wait and whine and cry while I waited.  I used to tell myself to "be still" and wait for God to decide on the perfect time to place you in my arms and until then I would stay stuck - in one place - and stay very sad and lonely.  Unfortunately...while that "sad-stuck-waiting" was happening...your mommy was changing.  You see, while I had stopped my own life and started just waiting for you to happen, I started to disappear.... 


Can you imagine that?  You have been so important to me already that I actually stopped being me just to find you.  I was being very selfish during that time even though I thought I was doing it all for you....I wasn't.  I didn't know any better at that time...but, I was actually doing it all for me.  Staying sad and lonely and still didn't help me find you any faster, but, I didn't know how to wait any differently...


You showed me that there are times in our lives when we have to wait for our dreams to come true (YOU are my dream)...but, there is a right way to wait and a wrong way to wait...I didn't know that then.  Now...I do....thanks to you.


I now see that by letting myself disappear, I was actually robbing you of the mommy you deserve.  I was taking from you the mommy you need.  A mommy who can help you learn and grow and blossom into the beautiful you that is certain to be.  You don't need a mommy who allows herself to disappear just for your sake.  You deserve to have a mommy who loves her life and who lives and loves and blossoms herself!  every. single. day.  


So, thanks to you, a few months back, I changed the way I wait for you.  Yes, I'm still waiting...but, while I wait, I use this time to become more and to become better, for you.....and for me....and for daddy and all of our family and friends.  Now when I wait for you, I get so excited.  Instead of being sad and lonely, I am happy and alive.  

I know you're on your way...no, I still don't know just how God plans to send you my way.  What I do know is that you have helped me learn so many things already....in fact, I bet when you're older you will get sick of the stories that begin like this:  "You know, when I was waiting for you, I learned that...."  

I can only imagine.  ;)



So, I wait - in a different way, now.  I wait and every single day I remind myself that you are so worth it.  You are...and I don't even know you yet.


Love,
Mom

P.S.  I am going to buy you this little outfit when you happen into the world.  You will look awesome in it.  ;) 

Six years ago, on October 14th, I became "Mrs. Van Osdel."  It was the most gorgeous, fall day in MN.  The leaves were incredible and the day with friends and family was ah-mazing.  ....and yes, sorry to gush and mush...but, it keeps getting better each year.   The more we learn and grow and....learn....we keep getting closer.  We keep having more fun.  We keep getting better at "being married".

So, 6 years ago, we started a tradition.  Patrick and I celebrate our anniversary with a fall road trip.  Here is the list of trips to date:

Year 1:  Black Hills, South Dakota - beautiful snowfall in the hills of South Dakota where we got snowed in at a Casino in Deadwood.  Doesn't that sound romantic???   It was.  ;)

Year 2:  Lake Geneva, Wisconsin - our first time in this gorgeous, Midwest haven.  We loved it so much we went back this year.  ;)

Year 3:  Duluth, MN - we weren't super impressed with Duluth, but LOVED the North Shore and decided to go back the following year.

Year 4:  Lutsen, MN - awesome.  We ended up traveling and hiking only 20 minutes from the Canadian border....wow...it feels like a different state.  The North Woods are gorgeous in the fall!

Year 5:  Door County, Wisconsin - we explored the entire county - tasted wines - got "Shipwrecked" at Shipwrecked - and visited some beautiful lighthouses.

Year 6:  THIS YEAR!  We traveled back to Lake Geneva.  It is the greatest get-away.  Only one hour from Chicago, this lake spot is home to many incredible lake homes and quaint shops....great restaurants and one of our favorite resorts ever:  The Grand Geneva.

The Grand Geneva is a swanky little resort which used to be a Playboy Club years ago - no....don't worry...there are no longer any "bunnies" waiting tables or soliciting attention from our men....but, if walls could talk, the dark, romantic bars and restaurants would have a TON to say, I bet!   It makes for an incredibly nice place to relax and unwind for a weekend!  I'm sure Hef would agree.... 





Great golf courses with fall colors still hanging on!
It is a 6 hour drive from Mankato, but, feels like worlds away.  We had a fantastic time:

They told us that the resident throws himself a lavish birthday party for only the elite of Chicago.  Last year, the theme was The Wizard of Oz, so, of course he covered the entire home to re-create a replica of the Emerald City.  Why not, right?  Sheesh.

  We had an incredible time - but, now, after packing our bags for 5 weekends in a row, we are VERY excited for a few weekends at home!

There really is NOTHING like a weekend up north at a lake house in MN during early October.  If these pics don't explain, then, I'm I have no idea what else to do....  ;)

Journey Update:  We are moving through it...we have a plan that fits us perfectly.  We are more certain than ever that there is a divine plan for each of our lives and that they cross and mesh and intertwine with the perfect people at the perfect times.  It continues to amaze me just how blessed we are - even in the midst of the muck.  We're putting on our rain boots and moving through it.  We are honored that you are still pushing through the muck alongside us.  We'll get there...I'm certain of it.  ;)

Please, love our animals.  They deserve it just because of how much love they shower on us every day.  As an avid dog-lover, I can only pray that people treat their pets with compassion and empathy.  They are little heartbeats at our feet.



Thanks for sharing, Caroline!  ;)

When I was little, my mom used to read me a story about a pig who hitches a ride to the big city.  During his stay in the big city, he finds a big puddle of wet cement which he thinks is a big, glorious mud puddle.  As he sits, wallows and soaks, the cement gradually hardens and he becomes stuck in a big, solid, brick.  Of course, the town rallies to save him and somehow they get the pig out safely and back to the farm where he lives happily ever after.

It is a cute story....I'm sure I've heard it a million times.  It came to mind today as I thought about our journey to start our family.  As I thought about that story, it dawned on me....that story could very well be a perfect metaphor for my grieving process.  In fact, I'm pretty sure my grief looked a lot like that big, solid brick of cement.

Bear with me.  I'll explain....

A journey similar to ours is a constant source of grief.  There were several years where this grief was a part of who I was.  I was consumed with an obsession and anxiety that overwhelmed me.  After each failed pregnancy attempt, I became that pig - sitting, soaking and wallowing in my grief.  After awhile, it became a pattern.  After a bit longer, it became "home" for me.  Much like that cool, soft puddle of wet cement, my grief became a source of comfort.  It was a place where I could be lazy, feel sorry for myself, ignore friends and family, eat, drink....and justify it all....because I. was. sad.  I sat in my grief because I was sad....and I had every reason to be. 

Then, the cement began to harden around me.  The more I wallowed, the more I stopped living, the more stuck I became.  Almost exactly a year ago this month - I was officially paralyzed with the grief of our journey.  I was so unbelievably sad and so completely frustrated that my depression was all I remembered.  It was who I was.  I was incapable of moving.  I had allowed the cement to harden and I was going nowhere.  (Insert Thank you Note:  I offer my most sincere thank you to my loving husband who stuck by my side during this dark time.  You are amazing.)


Then....I met "Jane".  I blogged about it.

She reminded me that I had a life - and needed to start living it.  I agreed.  In that moment, I unconsciously made a decision to just start moving again.  I didn't feel like it because it was so difficult.  I was still sad.  I still wasn't a mom.  I still wanted to disappear.  You see, my grief was still a part of me, and now, the cement had become a part of me, too.  Being stuck had become...well...it had become....just easier.  I have to admit....my grief had become an excuse to let myself go.  I am embarrassed to admit that - but - I will because I think that a lot of people may relate to this admission.

YES.  Grief is paralyzing and overwhelming and confusing...and NECESSARY....but....if we sit and wallow, we will get stuck.

They say "time heals all wounds" - but, I argue...it absolutely doesn't.   "Time" doesn't heal all wounds....but rather, what you DO with that time, heals all wounds.

You see, once I started moving - and living - and shaking loose the cement around me, I started healing.  I wish I could explain just how much more of a complete woman, wife, friend, and family member I am now that I survived my "Grief Cement." I wish I could tell you how proud of myself I am...(but, I fear that would sound arrogant).   I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate life now.  I can't.  It wasn't easy...

...but...then again, it was.

I just started moving.  I started smiling.  I started enjoying little things.  The more I moved, the less locked in grief I became.  I was able to break loose and can now look back at that cement block that used to hold me captive and I can breathe a sigh of relief and relish an overwhelming sense of pride. 

And, the kicker of it all.....this liberation all happened while our situation stayed exactly.  the.  same.   We still haven't met our miracle.  We still have more work to do.  We still ache for our future family.  I guess, some would say, I still deserve to be stuck right there in that cement block of grief.

To those who grieve....just start moving.  Just start finding your life bit by bit.  Don't wait to "feel like it."  You probably never will.  Just. start. doing.  Remember, time is NOT your silver bullet...what you DO with that time, is.

Just think, if that little pig in the big city had just kept moving, he never would have gotten stuck in cement and he just might have been able to experience an incredible life in the big city....who knows???

We had a wonderful, quick! visit in Des Moines last weekend.  My cousin got married - so - we enjoyed a quick visit with the Funaro side.  It is so nice to have the time to spend with my grandma now.  She is 90 years old and we don't know how many more visits we'll get to have with her.  She is an amazing little (see below) woman.


The wedding was great - she was bummed she had to go in a wheelchair, but, Patrick took great care of her.  One of the many reasons I married this man....he is so good to my family - and they adore him.  He had a close eye on grandma all night and while the rest of us were visiting, eating, drinking and dancing, he stayed by her to make sure she was in the perfect "spot" in her wheelchair.  She did not enjoy the bumpy ride...but it made for some laughs for us.

....and her famous love knots....she has made them for every wedding in the family (and pretty sure for every handyman, postal worker, neighbor, friend, friend of a friend, friend of a friend of a friend, nurse, electrician, cousin, or passer-by that has crossed her path).

I recently cut my hair.  I might be morphing into my Aunt Mary Jo.  Who would ever know that she is a grandmother of 4??  I am hoping to age as well as she has!


In addition - it has been a busy week!  I survived my first full week of teaching 4th grade and I am in heaven!  Don't get me wrong...it is NOT easy.  I am overwhelmed and stressed and nervous all of the time...however, I am at home, again.  I was meant to be a teacher.  I love how purposeful this job is.  Each and every minute of my day is worthwhile when I am teaching...and believe me, there are NOT enough of those minutes in a teacher's day!
 
Journey update:  Patrick and I continue to discuss our next steps.  There is an incredible sense of peace these days...I have come to understand how our lives are designed and how our paths are divinely orchestrated.  I believe that our family will come to be just as it is intended.  The stress is gone.  The worry is over.  Anxiety is no more.  We know our story will unfold just as it is supposed to and we are at peace with each and every opportunity we have in front of us.

I am thankful that in this moment, you are choosing to follow our journey.  You could be doing a hundred other things right now - and, the fact that you choose to take time out of your day to stay updated and love and pray for us is not something I take lightly.  Thank.  You.