Monday, May 28, 2012

BIG Journey Update


We have a little announcement to make...

  
We began the process mid March and, as of this past week, our home study is APPROVED!  Yippee!  
 We can't even begin to describe how excited we are.  We are working with Crossroads Adoption Agency out of Edina, MN.  We look forward to adopting domestically - a healthy newborn - when God chooses to intersect our paths.  We are already in love with our future birth family and our future little miracle.  

As with everything on our journey thus far, we are learning that there is much involved in the adoption process than most people realize. There have been many highs and a few lows so far...but, as my sister put it so eloquently, "This is your pregnancy - and not all pregnancies go smoothly from beginning to end."  Touche!  I love that perspective.  It is so, very true.


The journey to begin our family began 5 years ago.  Yes, it has taken 5 years to live this story...5 tumultuous years of ups and downs, living and learning, grieving and growing...trying desperately to find our family....and, ironically, the culmination of it all unfolded in this blog in a few, simple, sentences. 

Funny how life works that way.

Once you glimpse your dreams coming to fruition, your years of blood, sweat and tears disappear.  The journey finally makes sense.  The questions are finally answered.  ...and, a blissful sort of amnesia sets in.

That being said, I wouldn't trade this journey for all the money in the world.  The valuable lessons that I learned during the past 5 years are burned on my soul forever.  I will never be the same because of our journey to build our family.  I am a more grateful, honest, wise and trusting woman because of the journey.  I will undoubtedly be a better mother because of it.  But, the memories of the struggle...the painful parts of the journey...are gone.  In this moment, as I type...the past 5 years are nothing to me but a blessing....because it led us here....to our miracle in the making.

So...there it is....Patrick and I are officially expecting, and, with this momentous announcement, we know that our journey is far from over.  We still have a lot of work to do.  We also know that we are closer than ever to finding our family.   

We will be making specific updates privately to friends and family as this is a very sacred journey for us and our future family.  You see, this story no longer revolves around just us.  It revolves around our future child.  The real story will be his or hers to share when he/she decides to do so.  I will continue to blog, however....because I have fallen in love with writing and I have so many thoughts and emotions tied to this endeavor.  It really is amazing how faithful God is to us.  

 Thank you very much for accompanying us on our journey and for believing in our miracle.  We request your prayers and positive vibes more now than ever as we wait for our birth family match.   

***
“Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.”
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Sunday, May 13, 2012

God VS The Pink Lines


I used to think God didn't want me to be a mother.

Every month when that damn pregnancy test would only offer one pink line, God would remind me that I'm not pregnant (again). I felt He was telling me that I wasn't good enough to be a mom.  Every time a single pink line stared up at me, it seemed as though God was punishing me....and, each time I saw a pregnant woman, it was as though God was telling me...."she" was good enough....but, not me.  Nope.  I still had work to do...I still hadn't proved I was worthy....I still didn't *deserve* two pink lines.

 I believed so fully that God orchestrated the miracle of life (still do...even more so, now).  How and Why would He be withholding this miracle from me?  I wondered what I needed to do to *prove* to God that I would be a good mother?  What else could I do to show that I deserved this precious gift?  It seemed to come so easily for all of the other women in my world.  They would just to wake up one day, pee on a stick....and POOF....they were divinely blessed with 2 pink lines!  Or, so it seemed...

That is how it all felt to me.  God was punishing me.  All it would take is a divine sweep of His favor, and, I could just to wake up one day, pee on a stick, see those glorious double pink lines that I had dreamed of for years....and POOF....I would be a MOM.  No,  It hasn't worked that way.  I have probably invested more in EPT tests than Michelle Duggar.  I have prayed and pleaded, begged and bargained - and - still He hasn't blessed me with those miraculous two pink lines.  No, it hasn't all panned out the way I expected...and for that, I say...

Thank God.

I have grown to appreciate and honor my journey to motherhood on a much higher level these days.  As I've matured and rearranged my views of mothering and the miracle of life, I have a much different perspective.  I type this with a bit of hesitation because I don't want to downplay the miracle of pregnancy....it is a miraculous gift from God.  I also believe that God's miracles don't always appear the way humans think they should.  We can't possibly understand the beauty of God's gifts.  (I learned that from my grandma while she was in hospice).

So, guess what?  God does want me to be a mom.  In fact, He has been aligning the stars of my future family all of these years.  Maybe, my journey to motherhood has actually required more of God's divine intervention than me waking up one day and peeing on a stick.  True, God's hand has been directing my journey even MORE than I could have imagined.  All the while I was feeling that God was turning his back on me...He was actually more involved than I ever could have dreamed.
You see, God has been placing pieces precisely, timing events perfectly, moving people physically, changing hearts divinely, and aligning stars miraculously, 

all.  this.  time.  

So, as I sit here typing this on Mother's Day, I can see the beauty in God making me wait all these years for the blessing of becoming a "mom."  He is aligning the stars, as I type.  He is putting all of the right pieces in place...He is reminding me that, yes, He does want me to be a MOM someday....He just has a much  more beautiful design for my family than I ever could have imagined.

So, today, whether you peed on a stick and were blessed with two pink lines, or not....
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO US ALL!



Mother is a verb, not a noun.  ~Proverb

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