My 2 favourite things right now are:

1. Telling people I'm signed off
   and
2. Making fun of Swine Flu

Yea I know number 2 isn't very grown up but to be honest it is Scotland's biggest joke right now.
It's kinda coming to a big nothing. The two people who were the UK's first cases have sold their stories to the newspapers. And the government has produced the most patronising leaflet since the one about disaster preparedness.

The jokes are doing the rounds as well.... We have the one about breaking out in 'rashers'. Of course you can insert almost any 'oink'ment joke as appropriate. Oh and my current personal favourite has to be any poor sod with hay fever, a cold or an asthmatic/COPD/smokers' cough being let loose on a bus or train. Fastest way to get the annoying person sitting beside you to move.

Worst part is I could have saved them millions on the whole message thing. You know; wash your hands, use a tissue, bin the tissue............
We had a strangely similar message going about nearly 70 years ago.......

I'm gonna do a Cuddy on the FY1's tie if he doesn't get a tie clip!

For all those who don't understand there's a scene in House (season 1, episode 4 - Maternity) where Dr Cuddy gets mad at another doc while swabbing the place for not having his tie clipped and well she cuts it off. Granted his tie was trailing into sinks and all sorts of waste. An infection control risk.

Yea I had a moment when, after having spent all day cleaning the ward, I went ape about our poor FY1 and his long sleeves, watch and tie. Poor sod. Sorry doc. I won't really cut your tie off. Well I might if it gets in someone's wound.

And yes I can find a House related moment for EVERY medicine related moment.

So I go in to help the doc. The patient is just back from theatre and needs something checking.
Oh then he asks me to wipe his brow.....
There a few words to describe my expression - 'gob smacked' perhaps? Or a classic Scots 'glakit'?

Sorry doctor this is a ward. Nurses here don't wipe brows unless they belong to the patients.

Still stunned by the question.....

Then he tries to wipe his forehead on MY sleeve. Oh no you don't sonny! I will get your fevered brow a paper towel but that is as good as it is gonna get.

I am not your wife / mother / scrub nurse. I will not be your handmaiden. Can I go back to my sick patients now?

This management is all kinds of shitting weird.
I am fuked. It's impossible to juggle 12 patients; 1 critically ill, 2 going to theatre, 2 back from theatre, 1 awaiting reviews, 1 discharge..... Ah crap. I keep getting lost!!
I should be better than this.

My mind melts about 6 hours in. I'm getting a little better but hell's bells I'm surprised anything gets done with me some days! I was helped out a lot. I still have 3 and a bit weeks to improve.

Maybe I'll get there. I'm not passed yet. Fuk this is harder than it looks.

I am living in a tip. The flat is a tip.

And none of it is mine. I've been away for ages and in the meantime people have been moving out and moving in (we should have replaced the front door with a revolving door). Unfortunately when people have moved out they forgot to take say the contents of the freezer or the stuff in the shower. We now have more bottles sitting around the shower than on the shelves in Morrison's. However the cooker is covered in someone else's dirty pots. I can't actually cook anything. The oven's manky, the hob is otherwise occupied, the microwave is a health hazard and there is a pile of plates trying to make their way to the door from the sink.

My room is a mess but at least I created all of that. None of the kitchen / shower mess is mine. I can't make anyone clean it but I spend my days helping and cleaning up after other people so I'm not doing it at home.

So I've come up with a few helpful notes to put up around the place.

• If it's yours, keep it in your room.
• Lights don't turn themselves off.
• Neither your mother nor the cleaning fairy lives here so clean up yourself.
• If you don't move your crap it's going in the bin.
• Everyone uses this room, not just you.
• Socks don't live on the dining table.
• I'm not the postman; redirect it yourself.

Any better suggestions? I'm not moving out but I can't live on junk food forever!

Honestly how much intelligence does it take to become a member of parliament these days? Graham Stringer, MP for Blackley in Manchester, (Labour party by the way) has called dyslexia 'fiction'. Made up to cover for poor teaching methods and costing the taxpayer thousands.

Well thanks for that! In his column on Manchester Confidential he extols the virtues of synthetic phonics and assumes that better teaching will cure all illiteracy, like it did in the East Dumbartonshire example. Yes we shouldn't have the same high levels of illiteracy that we do and that maybe more flexible teaching practices would help. It might have helped me or, you know, maybe not.

I don’t know about anybody else but I want my doctors, and for that matter, engineers, teachers, dentists and police officers to be able to read and write.

Hey Graham, look, I'm dyslexic and (your worst fear it seems) nearly a qualified nurse. I can read and write but there's far more to it than my garbage spelling. OK here's the thing to get a degree or diploma or pass the entrance exams you kind of have to be able to read and write. In fact it's kind of hard to get into college or uni without being able to do that.

He went ape about the med student that took the BMA to task about not 'written' exams but multiple choice. See he couldn't even get that right. She likes written exams and essays. I hate them. Easy mistake to make. I even moaned about that then. This isn't even a very original rant for this blog.

The British Dyslexia Association puts it far better than I can...

Mr Stringer needs to realise that dyslexia is not just about reading. Although, being able to read is often problematical for those with dyslexia it also sits alongside a range of other processing skills including organisation, sequencing, retrieval of information, short-term memory, spelling, writing and numbers.

See! See! He also states that dyslexia doesn't seem to appear in the likes of South Korea or Nicaragua. It probably is there of course they don't have one of the most difficult languages to learn and speak as their first language. English is difficult. Look at how many words sound the same but a pronounced differently or vice versa. I would like to see him live one day with my brain.

The problem is of course that I can say all this but my brain has never been 'normal'. It's not like a stroke or heart attack where there is a tangible difference between 'before' and 'after'. I've always been this way. Sometimes I can spot the difference between me and other people, it's awkward especially when they notice the difference. This is why I'm so good these days at compensating. And they wonder why I've learned not to care about doing over time when I've not finished something I said I was going to do.

I'm going to have to take a coffee break..... I'm still mad at this eejit.

They say there are 2 kinds of shoppers in the world. Lets just refer to them by gender...
Female - Spends hours wandering around shops looking at everything and anything. May buy nothing or perhaps the thing that wasn't actually being looked for.
Male - Goes to one shop, buys the item required, goes home (perhaps via pub).
Now I'm not saying that you can't shop outside of your gender stereotype or for that matter refuse to confirm. I don't. I refer to myself as a power shopper.

I know what I'm looking for and I might as well go myself. This of course might have something to do with the minor fact of my favourite 3 shops being GameStation, Game and Waterstones; and my friend's favourites being clothes, clothes and shoes. I can't stand waiting around while someone else tries on 50 different outfits. It's at this point that I should point out that shops in Britain seem to come in 3 types; young and thin, middle-of-the-road, and out-sized. It's true, go look next time you're on the high street. I'm not thin enough for all these young and thin places (suppose I could get 2 and sew them together though), so I tend to shop in the middle-of-the-road places because I can afford them and they come in my size. Of course no-one my age would be caught in them but that's not the point. Also the out-sized places while they come in my size, cost an utter fortune and I don't have the cash for that.

I live in jeans (I'm not counting my uniform or PJs which I wear about 80% of the time).... I also mostly live in gaming t-shirts. Sometimes you might catch me all dressed up, never in a skirt mind (I've not worn a skirt on over 4 years). I have some very dyke-y outfits but I love them anyway and more importantly I love the looks people give me when they don't know but they outfit is making them wonder.

So yea, for the sake of your health don't come shopping with me. Even food shopping...

WHY when it's still a week before Christmas does everyone feel this incredible need to run other people over in the supermarkets? I was black and blue when I left Morrisons on Saturday. See I only need to shop for myself so I just go for the items I need. That's why I shop in the same place every week when I do have a choice (like I want to suffer ASDA). People go some kind of insane at this time of year when it comes to shopping. I mean really you do not have to run people over to get at that non-existent bargain. So how do people think that it is acceptable to do that? Seriously my ass is not that big that you can't go around it.

I still haven't bought any Christmas presents, for all those that keep asking at question. Don't plan on buying any till after Christmas. See in past years people called me a cheep-skate for that, buying presents in the January sales but with so many credit crunch sales happening now no-one will care. Besides I'm unlikely to see some people till after Christmas anyway. Stop asking already, if I am ready for Christmas. In past years I have spent WEEKS sorting everything for other people. This year I cannot be assed and do you know what, I don't think I'll be able to spot the difference!

P.S. If you ever find a red haired, big-boned, too-old-for-computer-games, scruffy dressed female sitting outside a changing room with a DS in her hands, spare a thought, it might just be me sitting there.

Lets make this really simple huh? If you have had vomiting and diarrhoea, and if it stopped less than 48 hours ago, then don't come NEAR your local hospital! Got that?
According to the BBC 3 million people came down with the bug. There are currently 13 trusts in England alone that are reporting outbreaks! Although I think it's more than that now and that isn't including Scotland and Wales.
So for the sake of the immunocompromised, the very old, the very young, and the staff DO NOT bring it in with you when you come visit! Got that? Good.

And while we are on the subject of D&V... Enough of X-Factor Christmas hits already! I don't watch these shows, if only because I really don't have the time, but why must we suffer this crap year after year? Has Britain got no taste in music? Apparently not.

So there we were sitting around on Twitter shooting the breeze with 140 characters of less when Nurse Connect released this article into the world.
This is somewhat a bug bear for me. I do have a tattoo but even now it's covered by my clothes and is never seen when I'm in placement. You also have to remember that this is the UK and we are governed by the almighty NHS and a simple search of google for 'nhs uniform policy' yields loads of documents from multiple NHS trusts on their specific uniform policies.

Basically it boils down to this.... (only taking into account nursing / other clinical staff)
You get a uniform. Normally navy blue is reserved for Ward Sisters (manager), Deputy Sisters, Specialist Nurses (they are in the same band as the management). White with blue binding is for are the general plebs. Theatres, cath labs, ITU, paeds, etc. will have different uniforms / scrubs. OTs, Physios, Speech and Language Therapists (SaLT), etc. have similar uniforms but different colours for the bands (e.g. our SaLTs have gray, OTs have green). Our student uniforms have the uni's name embroidered on to it (this is quite common though so it's not just us), however it is similar to the Healthcare Assistants (HCA) / Clinical Support Workers (CSW) with plain white tunics, so we get easily confused.

• Ladies' Tunic with trousers
  
• Men's Tunic with trousers
  
• Or the rather rare dress usually worn with a belt.

So right beyond the uniform that you may or may not have to launder yourself.... you are expected to....

• keep long hair tied back (and off collar)
  
• keep nails short and clean (no nail varnish)
  
• wear no (visible) make up
• no jewellery (except a plain wedding band)

They have all but told us when to breathe. This is all in the production of a professional appearance.
Some of the policies I have come across cover tattoos as well.

Inappropriate tattoos must be covered at all times. The head of service/department will be responsible for determining whether a tattoo is inappropriate or not i.e. any tattoo with offensive language is deemed offensive. It is acknowledged that some religions/cultures use henna to decorate their bodies at certain times and this is acceptable.

Visible tattoos are to be discouraged....

Considering what we have to put up with this all seems acceptable. I wouldn't want to be looked after by someone with swear words scrawled all over their arms (I would assume that back, chest, legs, etc. would be covered by our uniforms). In this area would a Celtic or Rangers FC tattoo be considered offensive? There is a massive rivalry between these 2 teams in Glasgow, this offers a background. But I guess it would be up to the nursing management. However a Celtic tattoo would be offensive to a Rangers fan and vice versa. So I guess it would be.

As a side note there is a policy of non discrimination when it comes to union affiliation / orientations / etc. So when I came back with the mention of my gay pride badge on my uniform I know that nothing can be said to me about it. We are allowed to wear a certain number of badges proclaiming our union or the school of nursing we graduated from.

My point was that as much as that little proclamation of my pride in who I am on a uniform the same as everyone else's is a reflection of my personality, a tattoo is a reflection of someone else's choice in life. (No I'm not saying my orientation is a choice by the way) So why shouldn't people be able to show off a little bit of their personality by way of body art so long as it isn't offensive?

Cellar Door said something in one of her comments that reminded me about the adult nurse / mental health nurse divide.

I have friends on the mental health branch of the course (mostly from when we all started together in first year) before the 'iron curtain' fell and the 'them and us' mentality was installed.

It's almost natural to think that your job is the best job. Round up a bunch of nurses and, unless you've just caught them coming off the 'shift from hell', most will tell you that they quite like their job. I mean if you hate your job the why the heck are you still working there?

Why do we seem to think that other people, who are also nurses (for talking's sake), have an easier / harder job than ours? You are good at your speciality (even if you 'fell' in to it) and they are good at theirs. Lets put it this way I can't talk down your agitated suicidal patient and you probably can't read the arterial blood gas results and alter the ventilator settings accordingly (OK, I did that once under supervision but I totally get the science).

All our jobs are complicated and technical, but if it came down to it I couldn't do yours and maybe you couldn't do mine (well not without a bit of study or something).

I've not been talking about placement because it's rather fresh at the moment but in time I'll explain what's going on.

Sufficed to say nice ward, nice staff, nice patients.... me doing the usual, i.e. not enough, not fast enough, not good enough.

Some days I suck at something I thought I was good at. Right I'm going to bed because my foul mood isn't lifting. Sorry folks. I promise to be happier tomorrow.

For a bunch of student nurses the contents of my flat seem to have missed the concept of virus / infection.

First up what ever strain of cold is going around is strong (or my immune system is weak but it seems to have infected everyone I've come into contact with too, however).
Second - you live in the same flat as me. We share the same facilities (toilets, showers, kitchen, etc.) so no matter good I am with the alcohol hand gel / hand washing / covering my mouth when I sneeze, you are gonna catch some of these little bugs!
Third - NO ANTIBIOTIC IN THE WORLD WILL CURE A COLD! Colds are not bacterial infections ergo an antibiotic will not help. This kind of behaviour is why we have so many resistant infections going around (hmmm MRSA anyone?). This over prescription is nuts.
Forth - don't look at me like I have a third head (we've proved I have a second head I can't see because I get looked at enough!) when I say I haven't taken any drugs. This is because I'm aware that really NOTHING is gonna help the way I feel except for an early night. (except a couple of paracetamol)

Do we understand viruses better now? Good, now let me go cough in peace!

Let's assume you're on a course... it doesn't have to be nursing, and then the powers that be start to 'fiddle' with it.

Things that work are switched for things that don't. Leaving anyone with an ounce of common sense wondering how they got positions of power in the first place. Truth is the more of an idiot you are the more likely you are to become a manager.

They keep implementing these changes without a second thought as to what it's doing to the students at the other end. Humph twats!

Nothing like jumping on the communal band-wagon --->
I've had a haircut and when straightened it actually looks a lot like that. Without straighteners it looks like a bird's nest.

Anyway I've done nothing but read news on the net and watch the rain fall. All in all a very uneventful day. I don't even have anything to rant about, unless someone starts singing 'I kissed a girl' by Katy Perry.

I like medical studies. I kind of have to since these are what powers my day to day tasks. They show me why things have to be done a certain way or how to avoid infection or make patients feel better. This so far will no harm your health but 'buyer beware' the docs have been at it again.

Lets start with a famous example. Once upon a time there was a combination vaccine for Measles, Mumps and Rubella, they smartly called it the MMR. Then after a study was done the press went a little bit nutty, blew it all out of proportion and linked this jab to Autism. Which has meant that equally nutty parents are not vaccinating their children. Sorry it's at this point I would like to quote House MD...

Young Mother: Her whole face just got swollenlike this overnight.
House: Mmhmm. No fever, glands normal, missing her vaccination dates.
Young Mother: We’re not vaccinating.
[Baby giggles and coos]
Young Mother: [Takes a toy frog and starts to make frog sounds] Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [Giggles]
[Baby smiles and giggles too]
House: Think they don’t work?
Young Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line.
House: Mmmm. May I? [He takes the frog and starts to do the gribbit noise with the baby]
Young Mother: [Whispered] Sure.
House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [The baby laughs] All natural no dies. That’s a good business: all-natural children’s toys. Those toy companies, they don’t arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don’t lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog.
[Young Mother laughs and so does House. The baby giggles again]
House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you’ll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they’d rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.
Young Mother: Tell me what she has.
House: A cold.

I would love to have put up the clip of that exchange (it's much better on film) but no one on You Tube has done it as far as I can see. I recommend you watch Season 1: Episode 2: Paternity. But I do concur with his assessment of people who refuse vaccinations.

So to the point I came across this baffling piece of research, Ear Infections 'Link' to Obesity. So is this the magical link that will cure childhood / adulthood obesity simply by stopping ear infections. Er... no I think not. This is starting to sound rather like the simplified outcome of the MMR study - "12 children with autism who also had the MMR jab... oh look MMR caused their autism". So because I had several ear infections when I was a child that's the reason I'm fat? Least I'm not blaming it on my genes.

Well it's less likely than Clumsy Young Face Obesity Risk. Actually I can see the reasoning behind this. Think about it less coordinated children are less likely to enjoy school sports. Therefore more likely to avoid them in the future, increasing their chances of becoming overweight through lack of exercise. Brilliant huh? Wish I had written that could have made some money selling the results. I knew that sport wasn't for me when I was hit in the face by a basketball and everyone laughed. Didn't see it coming. Actually I'm quite a strong swimmer but when it comes to catching and throwing my skills stopped when the basketball hit my face.

You can't possibly follow every study done. I mean for everyone I've read that says X causes cancer there's another 4 saying A,B,C, and D all cause cancer too. You'd never leave the house, eat anything or touch a cleaning product. Least then I'd have more time to catch up with all the TV I watch. Unless there's a study that says TV causes some sort of debilitating illness... oh wait it does - Couch Potato-ism.

Mostly I spent today cooking... yea I know I'll make a lovely housewife someday, blah, blah, blah...
But with the flat in such a tip EVERYTHING had to be cleaned first. This includes my own pots. I have my own wok and used to have a load of cutlery too. But someone has been using my stuff.

I caught one of my flatmates weeks ago helping herself to my spices and sauces cupboard (It's how it worked out most of my dry foods are in the other tiny cupboard and that one has the soy sauce, herbs, oils, etc.). OK I don't go into someone else's stuff and help myself so get the heck out of mine. Rock salt doesn't cone cheap you know. Anyway back to today and I couldn't find the wok. When I find it it's in the cupboard under the sink (where the pots NO-ONE use live cos on-one else cooks). AND it wasn't flipping clean. It was covered in someone's tomato pasta sauce.

I love my flatmates (sometimes). But come on how hard is it to at least make it look like you aren't taking my stuff when I'm not around?

Well now the 2 lasagne are done and the shepherd's pie is out of the oven. All ready for next week when I'm off on holiday with my Uni mates (My 2 clans of friends fall into; Uni - the first course I was on and College - the nursing course). Which is why I talk about college so much, it's how I make the distinction although both times it's been universities I've attended.

Arrgh! Just when you think you've covered everything someone comes along and asks you a question and you haven't a freaking scooby.
Who suddenly decided to make this so difficult? And how can I go about getting their head on a stick?
Oh and this ain't even about nursing, freaking Windows XP.
Ugh can I got back to studying now? I have exams in a matter of weeks and you want me to fix your computer for no fee?
Dream on folks...
See Peer2Peer file sharing? It be the computer equivalent of needle sharing.
The fact that you have NO anti-virus, spyware, or firewall software installed? Now you're just letting all the fruits of the forest free reign on your files and system.
Ultimately? It's your fault, DEAL WITH IT! Cos I quit!

P.S. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

How many people are going to make that joke today? I may have to strangle the next person.
There I was freaking out at my ENT appointment because my hearing has deteriorated again. Now people think they have the right to take the piss? Eh, No.
Ossification of the ossicles and yea it's getting worse apparently. Luckily it's only in one ear and it's not so bad that it needs surgery yet.
In other news, tonight I'll be making fudge!

Was watching the top 100 best sellers of the 21st century on the hits and I broke into rant mode.
At least half of the top 10 was daft reality TV show winners and losers. The other half being made up of freaking Bob the Builder, Band Aid and finally someone with talent Kylie!
Why are there so many freaking stupid reality show hits? Well the sold loads. More than the really talented people that didn't need a leg up from TV. Which leads me to think that the general public are stupid and/or sheep.
The songs are bad versions of what were good originals. The videos are invariably montages of them crying on the TV as the 'fixed' results are being handed out. These people can't write their own songs or often play their own instruments.
WHY, OH WHY do we have to suffer this rubbish? Why can't people listen to decent music from talented people?
Oh and P.S. I count Kylie as talented because she has been around for so long creating catchy songs and reinventing herself. NOT being a one-hit-wonder like these manufactured pop bubbles.