Merry Christmas.
Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.
Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute.
I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there was silence. Empty silence.
This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace. Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've rid myself of those causing much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.
I've worked most holidays the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some form of mental illness.
Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.
I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.
Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.
I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.
