i should be able to deal with this as old as i am, right?

I wrote tonight; "TBH [to be honest] I'm completely terrified about tomorrow, wanting so much for it to be good. Hoping it is good enough to build on. Mostly anxiously scared."

And it is true. literally completely worried, terrified, anxious.

But.

in the same breath, i'm so, so stoked on the route. I think it is going to be fucking awesome, epic and is just going to be the best.

So i'm gonna get up early, make some coffee...  if the kit is still wet that I just now hung out to dry i'll toss it in the dryer and tumble it.

I want this to work, but know given a few reactions "I didn't know about this" or "I put it on the calendar two months ago but now have a conflict" and I don't take it personally and totally understand but then can't help but feeling like I didn't do enough. Which is probably true.  I am certain I didn't do enough.

But then I look at everything else I'm trying to do, how many other balls I've dropped trying to keep them all in the air... I have to remind myself, I'm stupid lucky even to have this day open and a manager at job #2 who is accepting and willing to put up with my insanity.

This ride is going to be awesome. I think it may wind up being a sprint and a TT back to PVD, but it is going to be so fucking awesome...

I just wish I could make the feeling of dread and fear and anxiety about it all just go away...

There are some amazing people showing up, and we're going to have a fucking blast, even if i have just a few confirmed "I'll see you there's" I feel an intense gratitude for that. And at the same token a huge sympathetic understanding to those who can't and who reached out to say as much.

You know what's the worst?

The unknown.

For me.

How do you prepare for the unknown? Well if you're me you, by instinct, prepare for the worst. Because that's likely the case and far too often has been born out to be correct. Far too often, at least in my experience, or i just remember those more than the ones i'm pleasantly surprised.  Does that mean i'm not an optimist? or that I'm just a realistic pessimistic optimist? Or I just overthink everything in the frame of my personal experience and observation? Who knows.

Tomorrow is the last day of April.... Then there are 8 days until I'm done teaching...  then another round of unexpected stuff has shown up.

But tomorrow.

What will tomorrow bring?

I don't know.

But i think part of growing and learning is tossing yourself headlong into uncomfortable situations and hoping for some growth.

I'm really looking forward to the ride though, so that is helping stay steady and focused.

I guess I should make sure i wake up early enough to get the bike ready (yeah, srsly, it isn't ready - i was driving kid around and building bikes all day).

And waking up early enough is probably in line with going to bed soon.

SO damn conflicted hoping to find some peace before sleep, and wake up recharged and ready to go. This morning I just woke up really tired. Probably because I stayed up late writing...

oh shit...

good night motherfuckers
heddwch
G