Since everyone is different, everyone should be given a cracker to suit. So here is a selection of fitting bangers for the selected few.

1.  The Royal Cracker:

Studded with diamonds and has an extra bright snap, these crackers include unisex cufflinks, powdered peacock vomit, anti-morning sickness tablets and solid alibi's. No hats, as the real McCoy will be expected to be worn during the meal.
 

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 2. The Lesser Royal Cracker:

For those who consider themselves royal just because they can afford to shop at Harrods. These crackers have velvet bows and Austrian crystals but give an average crack. Inside the gifts are fairly menial, including mini Fabergé Egg, diamond key ring and jewelled corkscrew which some find offensive but the hats are two-crepe thick.

 








   
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3.  The Football Fan Cracker:

Covered in team logo's, with an almighty bang, these crackers are well worth the dosh. With full lyrics to 'Who's The Bastard In The Black'  and 'Reading, Reading, We'll Kick Your Fucking Head In'  as well as street maps to every away match to help hide and get the first punch in, you'll not go wrong with these. Hats in home colours but extremely flammable.





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4.  The Horror Fan Cracker:

For those celebrating Halloween all year round, this is the ideal cracker!  It doesn't bang but hiss very loudly. Gifts include fangs, capsules of real blood, cemetery earth and chocolate worms that could give you actual ones. Hats are included but unlikely to fit.....and they'll stick to that excuse. 
















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5.  The Vicious Dog Owner Cracker:

These come in a beautiful candy stripe to try to disguise the ferociousness of the pet they've ruined. The bang is fairly quiet to prevent the dog barking for hours on end.  Inside will be doggie drops along with inscribed tags reading: Satan, Lucifer, Ripper, Lilith, Hera, or Medusa as it's odds-on one will be called that. There will also be a mini-booklet of excuses entitled 'It Wasn't My Dog'. Hats are all pre-ripped and torn.
 










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6.The Superstitious Cracker:

The ideal cracker for those whose lives pertain to the horoscopes of the Daily Mail, switching lights on and off 7 times every time, laying rigid every Friday 13th, and saluting to single Magpie's. There's a 50-50 chance the snapper won't bang. Gifts include sachets of salt, garlic cloves, rabbits paw and Derek Acorah badges. No hats just a peacock feather for use or not.
 














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7.  The Whodunnit Cracker: 

Ever sat across the table with your wife picturing your hands around her throat? Then these crackers are perfect for those into murder and mystery! For the keen Ellery Queen appreciator. It gives one heck of a bang when pulled (that'll be the flash powder) but not enough to kill. However, gifts inside include sachets of thallium, antifreeze, a clue to where her precious chihuahua might be buried, cheese-string and an out-of-area microchip. Hats include a slowly restricting one that reacts when sherry is absorbed into the system.
 

 















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8.  The John Lewis Cracker:

These fellows are under middle class consideration. Yes, council house owners can afford these but that's equaling the price of a bottle of gin so....but the upper-class can afford both and mostly do. My daughter actually knows the old Dragon's Den owner himself and there's a few things I could tell you about him, if I thought it wouldn't end in a law suit!! Still that little bit similar to Marks and Spencer in gifts, including nail clippers, wine stopper and mini magnifying glass (for looking at hard to read price labels). Nothing special apart from the silver Harlequin hats! 
 















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9.  The Adult Cracker:

Will suit the sex addict . I know! Can you believe they even want to get down to it on Jesus's Birthday!  Filthy  b*ggers! There's no need for the cracker to bang as the purchaser will invariably have been banged enough (and they'll fight over who gets to stuff the turkey!). Gifts include edible knickers, cock-rings, hoopla cock-rings, whip-me-baby vouchers and directions to the area 'special' clinic! Hats trimmed with fur and suit big or teensy, little heads!
 













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10.  The Board Game Nut Cracker:

The ideal choice for the board game enthusiast. It's likely they've no partner but that doesn't stop them from 'cracking on' with Christmas. It's wise to have a little bowl of water ready as pulling a cracker with yourself often results in burns on the chin. Gifts include chewing gum, yet another die and caffeine tablets. Hats include anagrams along the edge.


















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11.  The Scrooge Cracker:

For the miser in your life (in my case, my husband). There's no bang in the cracker just a hint on the box how to imitate one! Apart from one (which he'll shake like buggery first to find) there is nothing inside apart from invisible hats. There's a slight chance of a humbug which you'll eat under the furrowed brows of your own Scroogey spouse!
 
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12.  The Music Lover Cracker:

An ideal purchase for the pop-to-classical fan. Each one pulled has been designed with a pin-activated board to ring out songs you can't bloody stand. Who cares if  'they know it's Christmas or not' or if  'fatso is stuck up the chimney'  just shake out the mini harmonica and kazoo's and have a rare old time to your own tunes. So the young 'uns haven't heard of Perry Como. Stuff them, and make your own Magic Moments once the Jack Daniels warms the cockles. Hats have mini jingle bells on - ideal for tying to the cat's tail for added amusement. 
 










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13.  The Vintage Cracker:

Ideal for the Victorian-values mum and dad. These crackers don't bang but the snap is extra long to flick back and strike the winner on the back of the hand for winning. Insides include schedules for daily flagellation, 3 segments of satsuma, a tincture of laudanum and an actual bone from the Elephant Man. No hats are included as vanity or fun will not be tolerated.
  
     









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14.  The Emo Cracker:

Only four per pack as it's doubtful the Emo has many friends. This cracker has a half-hearted bang with a viscious spark nonetheless. Gifts include Kleenex, a festive razor blade (snowflake shaped), Prozac, (just in case) black eyeliner and earplugs to block out others enjoying the festivities. Hats are double layered and can be used as a hankie / bandage in emergencies........
 
  











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15.  The Patriotic Scottish Cracker:

A must have for the true Scot. These crackers bang like effing cannons! Two hands are recommended for pulling this one as it really will be a tug of war!  Gifts include miniature bottle of Grouse Whiskey, sprig of heather, and a mini booklet on surviving the winter.  If bought in the Raploch area of Scotland then they'll contain a teaspoon, tin foil, syringe and a lighter. Hats with many clan tartan's on them for Christmas night fighting.
 












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16.   And Finally.....Lena's Recommendation: The Cheapo Cracker:

Bought in any supermarket, these value crackers are under £1 for 6. Simple snapper but these crackers give you hours of fun trying to figure out what the melted bit plastic inside actually is. Of course the only thing decipherable is the fake black 'tache that cuts off the blood supply to the nose, but every year some idiot has to try it on!  Hats you could spit through, lucky if they last half-an-hour and joke epically unfunny ..... but I wouldn't have it any other way!  Merry Christmas!
 









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While upping some summer bye-bye's and downing some winter wonderstuff from the attic, I saw that our Christmas tree had been stood there uncovered all year!  I didn't want to try and wriggle and squash my way through the loft hatch as usual, as scars from the boob surgery are still tender.  I did manage a head up for a sneaky peek, though.  Feeling sorry for the fairy, I decided to bring the fully decorated tree down (God knows how they got it up) give it a light dusting and test the lights.  Operating.   Little Fairypoops, Chrissie, is almost 20 years old and you can see how threadbare and 'holey' her dress and wings are getting.  She's had all sorts of coloured lights rammed up her lacy skirt every year for added effect, and a replacement doesn't bare thinking about!  The tree is stopping in my bedroom for now but its mini-illumination has boosted the winter-chick in me no end.

Earlier on, I picked the remaining blackberries in the garden that were still clinging on to life and decided to make a bramble and apple crumble.  Yes, there are a few recipes that I don't always balls-up on!  Later, as we sat with a portion each, I remarked on how ideal the deep and heavy steel dish I made it in was, only to be told that PrettyBoy had 'borrowed' it from work to use at his last festival.  It's amazing how much more filling you can get in a placenta dish.  Oh, well. At least I know it cooks beans, too. Eventually.

Anyhow - I'm sitting as I type, watching some absolutely cracking fireworks!  It may only be November 3rd, but there are a lot of weekend parties going on around me. What a blessing patio heaters are!  It's freezing, dry, and there's a beautiful, starry sky.  It will, absolutely, piss down in Scotland on Monday night.
 
November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night, is celebrated greatly and widely in Britain. Organised displays everywhere. Oh, how I wish old Fawkesy would come back and do a number on Cameron and his cronies!  I took a couple of snaps out an upstairs window, but they more resemble wayward ribbon and ectoplasm than fireworks!  But I love where my house is situated. So many free displays from the comfort of your own window sills. Tough on the old elbows, mind.  My cat has retreated to his usual place of behind and under the television unit.  I think he thinks I do this on purpose every year.

Anyhow - quite a week, what with days of significance highlighted in them.  Halloween, Guy Fawkes and Christmas. I'm a ruddy big kid!  Actually, I'm getting quite excited at the thought of picking up and continuing our topic of conversation over the turkey and crackers. If giving birth with no pain relief hurts more than a solid kick in the nuts. Welcome to Winter Wonderland!
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I shall be gone for a few days as my amazing and crazy daughter and her equally as tapped husband are up for a visit. I'll get round to your Mags soon. But for now....Kerri and James - take it away:

A little cutesy pic of what happens when we combine fur with flowers.....altogether now.....ahhhh!

Dunno about you but judging by those massive eyes,  I'd say he's snorted all the pollen off!

Colours collide and they then make a slide
Angles of sharp and of length
Busy and bold, from a heart uncontrolled
Shouting out with a palate of strength 


Such visions from him on his creative whim
Unique for the time of his era
Threw these shapes in your face, would you tamper or taste?
Lines obey and the loud hang together

For years I've been staring, my eyes yet declaring
Some new nook or cranny in frame
As my backside goes numb, either side of my bum
Glow with indents and partly from shame


Now I'm hot and I'm sweating, and holey regretting
Hanging Wassily on my bog door
Was just here to sit, while attempting to sh*t
But the print you just cannot ignore...!! 

Is it weird then to have, a masterpiece in your lav
That gets more views than would in the hall?
In the great name of art, when you let off a fart
Try Kandinsky hung on your loo wall!
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This Friday's choice is sticking with the animal world and very much promoting  'You Are What You Eat!'  I'd still love him!  Then again, I'd be a walking chocolate bar..!