I haven't not written much poetry at all in so many years! But recently something came up where a friend needed a new poem. So I went to work & this is what I got. Hope you enjoy it. Love you Bebe!
On Saturday, August 17th we celebrated Landan's 10th Birthday. How insane to know he would be ten years old. The last time I saw, held & kiss my first born son was when he was three years old. Wow. Time flies.
It's almost been seven years since he's been gone. I remember during the first year or two after he died I would listen to the ladies at support group who were further down the road. It was hard because I didn't want to be so many years away from the last time I saw my sweet boy. Here I am, almost seven years down the road. Walking in a pair of shoes I didn't ask for & certainly don't want to be in. I don't want to be the mom who lost a child. But I know that no one does, it's not just me. It wouldn't take me long to compile a list of moms that want their children back too.
I remember after Landan died I was so worried that people would forget about him. I could never have foreseen all the people around the world who've let Landan into their hearts. It's beyond touching & I'm still in awe when someone tells me a story about how Landan has touched & transformed their life. Landan is making a difference in this world, even from Heaven.
That being said I can not hide my feelings about this year's participation. The participation in his balloon release consisted of my family only. It's tough to bear when the first two years had such a huge turnout & since has dwindled to what it was this year ... only family. It makes me feel like people are forgetting about Landan or they think, well it has been almost seven years so it's not as important anymore. But it is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family. It didn't go unnoticed the people that didn't even wish Landan a Happy Birthday whom I expected would. It just broke my heart a little. I feel like it would be a disservice to future events for me hide & not express my feelings. And it would be a lie. Maybe people don't realize how big of a deal it is to me which is fine, I wouldn't expect them to. They're not in my shoes. So here I am, yelling it to you! Two days out of the year I thought I could expect participation or a simple "Hey I'm thinking of Landan." I guess I just didn't expect the turnout to dissipate so quickly.
I feel like the ease to write this isn't flowing naturally like it usually does. I can't find the right words to vent my frustrations & sadness. I wish I didn't have to. I wish my son hadn't died & I wish people still participated like they did in the beginning. I'm not trying to come off as ungrateful. I'm more than grateful for those who participated, for those who release balloon's, for those who lit a candle, for those to left kind words & for those who made a graphic.
If I could choose a word for how I felt at the end of the day it would be defeated. I felt defeated. I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job letting the world know how important the support for Landan is to me even almost seven years later. As I reread those last few lines a poem I'd seen a few years ago came to mind & felt so appropriate to share.
My Mommy
When I left this world it was hard on everyone,
especially my mommy.
The days move on for you,
but not for my mommy.
You may not think of me as much,
but my mommy does.
When your tears stop flowing for me,
my mommy's won't.
When your broken heart heals,
my mommy's won't.
My mommy will never forget me,
so please don't you.
Here is the video I made this year for Landan's birthday. I haven't made one for many years & Landan turning 10yrs old felt like such a big deal to me that I really wanted to make a video.
I've been absent from this blog for awhile. I was having a hard time with anxiety recently & just didn't feel like doing anything. I never do when I'm having anxiety, I dwell too much & can't seem to focus on anything else. I did, however, use that time to make a new memorial video for Landan. I came across a really beautiful song by Jo Dee Messina, and HAD to make a video for Landan with it. Check it out below.
Today was World Meningitis Day, as you would know if you've been following along with my blog, lol. So we went to Wal*Mart & got one of the disposable helium tanks so we could release some balloons. The black balloons you see say "Meningitis-Angels" on them. A dear friend, Sherry sent them to me. Last year I was unable to attend the Meningitis-Angels Conference in Houston, TX because I was 8mos pregnant with Layne. So Sherry sent me a "conference-in-a-box"! It was amazing, she wanted me to feel like I was their, and boy did she hit the nail on the head! She sent me these left over ballons & wanted me to release them on Landan's special days. Sadly, Sherry has since passed away. I was telling my husband as I grabbed some balloons to take
"I feel sad about seeing these balloons. I never thought that she wouldn't be able to see these pictures when I sent the balloons up."
I was then reminded though, Sherry WILL see these balloons! I know she was watching over us today, sitting next to my Landan on a cloud. Today I celebrated Landan & Sherry's life & fight against Meningitis at our balloon release. One black balloon was for Landan, one was for Sherry & the last for the other fighters who fought so hard against Meningitis.
Here are some pictures of Landan's little brother, Layne, whom will always know what a hero his big brother is.
"Today we celebrated the fight you fought Landan. Your so amazing to everyone that knows you, and a little hero in so many eyes. I miss you terribly & would do anything to wrap my arms tightly around you. I yuv you bebe!"
World Meningitis Day April 25th 2009 Today is the very 1st Annual World Meningitis Day! On this day, we remember the lives lost & dramatically affected by meningitis. We should also use this day to spead some awareness to others!
Things you can do: Take 10mins to share our story with atleast one person. Visit a few websites dedicated to Meningitis Awareness. Light a candle at 7pm (your time) in memory of the lives lost to Meningitis so that a wave of light goes around the world.
Our plans for today include a balloon release to remember Landan & the others who lost their life to Meningitis, participate in the 'around the world' candle lighting & spreading awareness by sharing our story with one new person.
A few friends have taken time to spread some awareness through their blogs! Marisa & Kerin (myspace blog) Thank you ladies so much!
I'll post our pictures later from the balloon release!
World Meningitis Day April 25th 2009 Meningitis Week - Days 4 & 5 Life after Meningitis
Many Earth Bound Angels will not only suffer the loss of limbs, major organ damage including, brain, kidney, skin, but also blindness, deafness, have to give up attending school, quit college or receive less of an education, feel alienation form society and they often experience some or all of these life changes. The damage of meningitis is life long.
One of the most common complications is deafness, which affects around one in ten people, and can either be temporary or permanent. Blindness is also a possible complication
During the illness, septicemia (blood poisoning) can occur, and in extreme cases can result in a diminished blood supply to the feet, toes, hands and fingers. This may result in the need for skins grafts or even amputation.
Common health & behavior problems after having Meningitis includes: general tiredness, giddiness, bouts of aggression, recurring headaches/severe migraines, balance problems, mood swings, difficulty in concentration, violent temper tantrums, deafness, short-term memory lapses, tinnitus (ringing in ears), joint soreness/stiffness, clumsiness, eyesight difficulty/ blindness, epilepsy, amputation of limbs, depression, brain damage, paralysis, skin grafts, kidney problems, development of nero muscular diseases, digestive problems, & stunt bone growth.
The very first World Meningitis Day! I'm very happy to see this day & to see Meningitis being recognized around the world! Starting tomorrow (the 20th) I'm going to post some information about Meningitis, & it's different forms each day until the 25th, along with a link to an informative website about Meningitis. I hope you'll join me & learn something about Meningitis that you may not know.
As always, let us remember sweet Landan during this time & the amazing fight he fought against Meningococcal Meningitis!
