PinWheels From Heaven

I'm upset about a clean corner in my room?!!!  My husband and I did some major cleaning in our room and found a place for all my "little piles of things" that I had stacked up in the corner behind our rocking chair.  I didn't realize all the emotion this process would bring out in me. 

Before Janessa was born I had stockpiled newborn diapers, and formula, and baby blankets, and baby clothes all in neat little piles behind the rocking chair.  After she died my family removed all those things before I got home from the hospital.  I replaced all those little baby pile of things with a box of fake flowers and pinwheels and other things that I would take out to the cemetery--still Janessa's things in a different sort of way.  When I started my blog and started taking pinwheel pictures I added yet more piles of little things I used for the pictures behind the rocking chair.  In a sense they replaced all my "baby" pile of things and I was okay with that, but, my pile of little things was starting to take over our room and was pushing the rocking chair further and further away from its designated corner, so it was time to find a permanent place for all my little pile of things.  The problem is now that it is all organized into another room and the rocking chair is back in it's corner, I am faced with the empty corner.  Now it has finally hit me, almost 2 years later, that my little piles of baby things are gone and never coming back.  It looks much better in that corner, but it kind of just leaves me feeling really empty.

I am having a bad attitude month. I am so glad that January is almost overwith!! Although I'm not looking forward to February either. Feb. is just full of "hard" remembrance dates of Janessa leading to the 30 day count down to her 2nd Angel B-day.

Even though I get angry at God and moan and complain and throw temper tantrums, when I finally calm down, I always find Him there waiting patiently.  I am in awe at His patience and His love for me, even though there are days when I feel like He has abandoned me and doesn't care about me anymore, I always discover in the end that it is I that has abandoned Him and He is still always there waiting patiently with his hand outstreched to help me.  I have discovered that when I have hard weeks, He guides one of you to my blog and I always seem to find a pinwheel request waiting for me in my email.  He knows that is the way that He helps me to find peace and healing is by being able to reach out to others and help them is some small way.  The last little while I have only had about 2 requests a month, but, this month, this hard--depressing--miserable--and sad January Month I have received 5 pinwheel requests.  Almost 1 a week to help me through each hard week. 


Thank you God for having patience with me and for knowing that these pinwheel requests are my life line right now.  Thank you for giving me inspiration as I create each pinwheel picture and remember with you each sweet angel baby.  I am so very grateful for my blog--it is my antidote for my bad attitude disease.

I have been struggling with my feelings the past couple of days.  I woke up yesterday really depressed and it was really hard to just make it through the day.  I was praying all day for some sort of sign or Hug from Heaven that Heavenly Father would let me know that my babies were with him and that He was still aware of me.  That "Hug from Heaven" came in the mail yesterday from Angel Kaia's Mommy and these beautiful little baby hats she had knitted for my angel babies.  I just felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort come over me as I saw those precious hats.  Heavenly Father truly let me know through the hands of a fellow BLM that He Loves me and that my Angel Babies are with Him.

Thank you so much Brandy! <3

I'm going through the unanswerable "WHY" questions again.  This is so pointless, because there is no anwers but, yet, I continue to ask. 

Every week this month I've found out another person in my neighborhood who is due to have their baby between now and April--there's 3 now.  Don't get me wrong--I'm happy they have made it this far and I hope their babies are born healthy and alive, I'm just so very jealous.  Why couldn't I have carried Hope the full 9 months?  Why is she not my almost 2 month old baby?  Why did Janessa have to die at 9 months?  I know these are the questions that can't be answered, but they hurt so very much.  When Janessa died, 2 of my neighbors had healthy, alive babies 2 weeks later.  I had to watch them every week at church growing up and see all that I was missing out on.  Last year 2 more of my neighbors had babies around this time, so last year I again had to watch these babies grow up and again be reminded of everything I missed out on.  I was so hoping that this year, my suppose to be "better" year that there wouldn't be any babies born around this time, so finding out that there are 3 babies due is about more than I can take.  Why? Why, do I have to see this every year, especially now when I know that Hope should be here and I will have 2 hidden sorrows of watching these babies grow up every week? 

I guess it is hard because I don't feel like my neighborhood is very friendly and accepting towards people whose babies die--there is only me and 1 other person that I know of.  I guess they think if they never speak of it or ignore it that that will somehow make it all better and make it go away.  Maybe it goes away for them, but, my pain is still here and still very real to me and I am left feeling like I am the neighborhood freak baby killing monster--even though I know I didn't do anything to harm my babies.  But, I guess when I'm treated like this I start to believe some of it because there must be something wrong with me if people think it is so okay to treat me the way they did and to just pretend nothing happened.  Some times I feel like I am such a weak and selfish and mean person because I can't stand to see my neighbors babies--it just hurts so much.  I truly feel like Janessa and Hope's deaths have ripped away every part of my life, my identity, my self esteem, my self confidence, and even my faith.

WHY is my life such a mess?  WHY can't I just trust God and accept His plan for my life and move forward?  WHY can't I just forgive and stop choosing to be bitter instead of better?  WHY are the broken pieces of my life so hard to put back together this time?  WHY do I feel worse and more sad and depressed for Janessa's angel birthday this year than last year?   WHY can't I be happy for Janessa and Hope that they are in Heaven together with God instead of just feeling so very lost without them here?  WHY were my babies taken from me??????????????

 If you are pregnant with your rainbow baby and are due in the middle of May some time, then you have appoximately 17 weeks left! :)  Unfortunately, that isn't what my count down is for.  My count down is for the number of weeks until my birthday--JUST KIDDING--I'm not that excited for my birthday!  It's actually for the family vacation we are planning that includes my birthday.  This year my birthday falls around Mothers Day weekend and that is NOT a great remembrance day for me.  Last year it is the weekend that I loss my little rainbow baby, Hope Abigail.  We decided that we needed to be gone far away from our home on that weekend, instead of staying here remembering that horrible day.  So we are going to Arches National Park.  I have happy memories from this area because that was one of our last truly happy family vacations in April of 2009 before the GRIEF MONSTER attacked and wounded us.  I'm hoping we can find just a little of the peace and calm and joy we found there 3 years ago.

This has become one of the hardest questions for me now.  I say 8 and then I have to explain why there are only 6 and then I face people thinking I am crazy for considering my angel babies my children.  Why do I worry so much about what other people think?  I guess sometimes I don't really feel like explaining all the "details" to people.  If I only say 6 then I feel guilty for leaving out my angel babies.

Three of my kids were given these spotlight survery papers to fill out and of course one of the first questions is how many kids are in your family--number of boys--number of girls?  This is such a hard question because not a lot of people even know I was pregnant last year and that I miscarried--I really don't want to open a can of worms with my answer.  People treated me so awful when they found out about my stillborn baby Janessa, that I don't want to have to relive all of that if they find out I had a miscarriage and yes, even though I didn't see her, or hold her, and she was only with me for 10 weeks, Hope Abigail is my daughter too.  What to do?  The older 2 kids filled out their own papers so I asked what they put on the paper--they both said without hesitation--8 kids, 7 girls--1 boy.  To them it wasn't a big deal--they consider Janessa and Hope their sisters and part of our family and they don't care what anyone else thinks or says.

Hmmm, the wisdom of kids.

BETTER--This is my theme word for 2012.  I want to do better in all areas of my life, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc.  I just want 2012 to be "better" than the last 2 years have been.

So, in getting started on my theme word on the 1st of January instead of painting my fingernails all black for the bitterness and anger and sorrow, I left off the black and just did the sparkle fingernail polish instead to represent yes, still sorrow, but also the hope of things being  "better".

We finally got snow after about 2 months of spring like weather.  Though I'm not complaining because I have enjoyed having temperatures in the 50's for Dec. and January.  It has just made it hard for me to do snowhearts.  It was a great day for it to snow because today is Hope's 8 month angel b-day and I got to make a snowheart for her and on Monday is Janessa's 22 month angel b-day so I got to make a snowheart for her and that has made me happy.




Okay, I got to admit that living in a south facing home has got its major benefits.  This storm that laid down all this snow just melted off my driveway and sidewalk without me even looking at my snow shovel!!!!!! :)

I glanced out the window the other day and saw this huge H in the sky.  Do you think Hope was fingerpainting a message for me?

It has been a crappy day!  Just a bunch of little disappointments and annoyances all wrapped up together that sent me over my endurance level today.  I guess one of the hardest things was getting an email newsletter from a person who described her christmas miracle of her son going through an experience where he stopped breathing twice but was given cpr and was revived--I am happy and relieved for their family, but, I guess the one line that was all bolded in her newsletter just really hit my heartstrings it said, "We are so happy! What more could any parent ask than that their child be restored to life?"   Yes indeed, what more could any parent ask for!  That is what I want, my children restored to life--I know, I know they will be someday, but, allow me to throw a temper tantrum for just a moment--I want them NOW--I want to hold them in my arms, NOW.  Where is the cpr that will bring my little ones back to life?  Sadly there is none.  I am forced to wait--but what do I do with my empty arms and my empty heart?  It is time to find my chocolate and throw the covers over my head and cry and get this crappy day overwith!

I've decided to display our angel babies birthdays differently this year.  Instead of doing 1 post listing all the angel babies birthdays for the month, I want each angel baby to have their own post.  So, I'm going to post all of the angel babies that I have listed in the Angel Baby Birthday List on their actual Angel Birth Date using one of the pictures I took of their pinwheel.

If you would like to include a special message to your Angel Baby with their Birthday PinWheel picture, just send me an email a couple of weeks before.  If you have another special date that you would like your angel baby remembered on--due date, death date, special meaning date, or holiday please send me an email at mommyofanangel@hotmail.com and I will try to accomodate those dates as well.