PinWheels From Heaven

Rae Anne was a surprise little miracle that we found out about 4 days after Janessa's 4th Angel Birthday.  I was shocked to see another positive pregnancy test.  I thought at my age that we were done.  I had a very hard time at first because I am still grieving Jason and I was so worried that I would miscarry and that it would happen  at 10-12 weeks and that would mean it would happen around Jason's due date and Hope's Angel Birthday and I didn't think I could deal with that.  Then I allowed myself to get excited and to dream and hope again that maybe, just maybe this baby would be the promised rainbow baby to help heal the storm of grief we've had for the past 4 years.

I would have even taken another stillborn baby if it just meant that I could get at least 15-20 weeks with her and NOT a miscarriage.  That was my biggest fear was having another miscarriage.  I HATE miscarriages.  To normal people who have not experienced the physical and emotional pain and torture of a miscarriage they look at them like you just said you sneezed--they say bless you and then they move on without another thought and I'm expected to move on without another thought.  I'm made to feel like I am a crazy person because I name my babies and think of them as babies even though I only got 6, 10, 12 short precious weeks with them.  I hate having all my feelings and emotions just be tossed aside as if they are nothing.  Do you know what it is like to have all your dreams and hopes crushed and stolen from you as you stand in what looks like a murder scene with blood everywhere holding what is left of your baby in a jar?????  It is the most horrible thing ever!!!  3 times I have been through this and it does NOT get any easier!!!!!

I prayed so hard that God would spare this child and allow me to carry them at least to 20 weeks so that I could see her on an ultrasound and hear her heartbeat and feel her moving and kicking inside me.  I wanted that so badly!!!  And, if by some miracle God would allow it, I really wanted to carry her full term and have an ALIVE rainbow baby and gain that healing and peace that only comes from a rainbow baby.  I will never understand why my prayers are always answered NO!!!!  Why do others get pregnant so easily and get an alive baby while I am forced to stand at the sidelines FOREVER??????  How do I ever find that peace and healing--now God????  I don't understand.  It is not fair.  I am hurting so badly.  4 holes in my heart--4 angel babies--why????  I'm trying to follow your plan God--I'm trying to trust you--but it is really hard!

On March 22nd, I started spotting and it broke my heart because I knew what was coming.  I was angry, because I had gotten courage to call and make an appointment with my obgyn for that first 8 week appointment.  I had just begun to take belly pictures and made a pregnancy journal.  I had named this baby Rae--because she was my rae of sunshine in the dark storms that my life had become.  She was my rae of hope to keep enduring.  She was my rae of hope to make it through Jason's 6 month angel birthday and due date.  I also picked they name rae because it was the middle name of one of my college professors that was like a Father to me, Glenn Ray Kirk.  He helped me through some dark and hard times in college.  He unfortunately died of a heart attack at age 49, 19 years ago.  He now plays with my angel babies, Janessa, Hope Abigail, Jason, and Rae Anne while saving me a seat in Heaven like I use to save him a seat on the bus.  On Sunday March 23rd, I woke up to mini labor cramps and was bleeding more heavily.  I had prepared a primary lesson on Trusting God which was really hard for me, but, then I didn't even get to teach it, I had to hand my primary lesson to my husband to teach for me.  While my family was at church little Rae Anne slipped quickly and quietly from my life leaving me all alone to weep for another precious child gone too soon.

My heart is so full of holes and broken into so many pieces I have no idea how to fix it now.  I struggle to get up in the mornings because I just don't want to endure another day.  I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss all my babies so much and because I don't want to have to wake up to another day.  I am truly living day to day sometimes in robot mode.

I am grateful for the short 6 weeks I got with Rae Anne.  I am grateful that I was pregnant over Janessa's 4th angel birthday and I have pictures of our family at Arches with Janessa, Hope, and Jason's teddy bears and my necklace and little Rae Anne inside me.  Those pictures are more precious than gold to me now.  I am grateful I was able to be pregnant and have a baby in 2014 even though it wasn't the way I wanted it to be.  I am grateful God has blessed me with 10 beautiful children--6 on Earth, 4 in Heaven.