PinWheels From Heaven

I love seeing the creative ways that others write Angel Baby names.  These were created by Kyla in memory of her sweet angel baby Tossie.  Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks

Thank you so much Kyla!!

The past 3 years my husband and I's Christmas Presents have really sucked.  We got a new baby bassinette in 2009 that never got to be used and now sits in our basement collecting dust. In 2010 we got our garage door fixed for $800. And in 2011 we got a new transmission and tires for our suburban for $1800.  We decided for 2012 we wanted to get better presents.  I've searched and searched for something I want that would make Christmas all better again.  The problem is there is absolutely nothing that will fix it.  The only thing I really want (to have Janessa and Hope Abigail back) I can't have right now and so nothing for me really compares to that.  I guess the thing that really seems to make a difference for me and helps to bring me peace is being able to help others so I've decided to just donate to some different charities, print out the receipts and wrap them up with a Reeces Peanut Butter Cup.

Here's some of the Charities I'm considering:

Please Click HERE to see the blog post I created with some of my favorite charities

Rachels Christmas Wish--this is the little 9 year old girl who made a goal to donate all her b-day money to the Clean Water project and then was killed in a car accident 1 month later.  View this video for more information RACHEL

World Vision--this is the organization that we sponsor Sohani through.  They have a way to donate money for animals, school books, room at an orphanage--things that I take for granted.

The Green Family--I just found out about this family.  I was touched by how they loss 2 babies and how they have been able to reach out to others in an effort to heal from those tragedys.  This is their family Blog http://www.abeautifulroad.com/p/our-story.html  Their neighbors are sponsoring a fundraiser on behalf of them to build them a new home to accomodate the special needs children they have adopted and are in the process of adopting.

As I've been going through evaluating all of our Christmas Traditions this year and changing the ones I haven't liked or that aren't working and adding new ones I wanted to post again about the tradition I started with Janessa's Christmas stocking the first Christmas after we lost her.  Click HERE to read the blog post I wrote last year.

Hanging up their Christmas Stockings is hard for me because they are empty and will remain empty.  We do kind deeds for members of our family and others and then you get to put a little sticker card inside their stockings.  On Christmas Day we place a chocolate orange inside both of their stockings that we share amongst all of us.  We read the Christmas Orange story and then dump out all of the sticker cards so that we can see all the acts of kindness we completed.  This way both of their stockings are not empty they are being filled up with love.  I decided to keep this tradition because it is a way to include Janessa and Hope in our Christmas Activities.

I am so happy, I just checked Carly Marie's facebook album and she had just put up all the I and J flag pictures and there was Janessa's flag!!!  I hadn't heard anything so I was a little afraid that maybe their flags got lost in the mail so this makes me happy.  I'll keep checking for when she posts the H flags so I can see Hope's flag.

These flags look so beautiful on the beach at sunset.  Thank you so much Carly Marie!!!

I haven't been as excited to put up the Christmas Tree as I was last year.  My kids finally convinced me to put it up tonight.  I started to put the base of the artificial tree together and then got out a new package of lights to wrap around the base.  Some of the lights weren't working and like an idiot I was trying to figure out why with them still plugged in and ended up shocking myself.  It really hurt and I guess it turned me off from the whole Christmas Tree, because I really didn't want anything to do with it after getting shocked by the lights.  I guess it was like this little reminder that Christmas is not a normal thing at our house anymore.  I watched as my husband and children put the lights on the tree and put the ornaments up. 

I had to escape for a moment and cry because it makes me so sad and angry that Janessa and Hope are not here to enjoy this.  I should at least have my 1 year old, Hope, who we would be celebrating her 1st birthday next Monday on the 3rd.  I should be going crazy as Hope Abigail rips all the ornaments off the tree.  Janessa would be old enough now to leave the tree alone, but, still have fun helping put up all the ornaments.  As I put up the remembrance ornaments I have for Janessa and Hope it made me so sad and angry that I don't have baby's 1st Christmas ornaments for them but have memorial ornaments instead.  As I was looking at Janessa's ornament I decided I really don't like it.  It has a rainbow on it with a saying "After the storm comes a rainbow."  For me that just cuts at my heart because I will never get a rainbow baby.  I think I need to find a new ornament for her.  Just seeing the tree makes me sad, angry, and depressed.  I guess I wasn't as ready for the Christmas season as I thought I was.

We started our different tradition with our nativity scene of only putting 1 piece out each week until Christmas Eve. I really like it because it is not so overwhelming for me to look at. I talked about Mary in our last family home evening and put her out in the nativity scene. Right now she is alone looking into an empty space where Jesus should be and is surrounded only by a cow, donkey, and some sheep.

I see myself in the nativity right now feeling lost and empty wondering where is my baby. I saw Mary in a new way as I read about her because she was asked to do something that was unexpected and probably a little scary and hard, but, yet she had faith and trusted Heavenly Father that it would all be okay and that He would help her. I hope that I can be like Mary on my unexpected, scary, and hard change of plans for my life. I’m also really excited for Christmas Eve when Baby Jesus will be put into the nativity to help Mary find her baby and be complete and happy.  As I think about that now I am happy because she got her alive baby, I will also get my alive babies back and be reunited with them again and that is the best Christmas present ever!!!!



My idea for the nativity scene came from the book A Christ-Centered Christmas by Emily Freeman

Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me.  Sometimes it has been very hard to find anything to be thankful for after losing Janessa and Hope Abigail.  So here goes:

I am thankful for 36 weeks with Janessa.  I am thankful I got to see her on an ultrasound.  I am thankful she was my most active baby.  I am thankful for the short time I got to hold her.  I am thankful for all the pictures I have of her.  I am thankful for my angel bears.

I am thankful for the 10 weeks I got with Hope Abigail.  I am thankful I even got pregnant and got that positive pregnancy test with her and the joy I felt.  I am thankful for my 10 week clay baby and tiny hat and blanket.  I am thankful for a remembrance spot in my yard and my candles that light it up every night.  I am thankful for my windchimes that give voices to my angel babies

I am thankful for the baby loss community.  I am thankful for my blog.  I am thankful to do pinwheel pictures.  I am thankful for everyone who has written Janessa and Hopes names.  I am thankful for people who ask about them and remember them.

I am thankful for grief counseling and that my husband and I are finally able to talk to each other about our grief.  I am thankful to be able to release some of these bottled up awful feelings and just let them go.

I am thankful for my "Janessa Molly Bear" that came this month (I'll post more on this later).

I am thankful that I've been called to teach in primary so Church won't be as hard to face each week.

I am thankful for a week off from school.

I am thankful for feelings of peace and a desire to accept what has happened.

I am thankful for a loving and caring husband who didn't give up on me even though at times I act like a monster.

I am thankful for loving and caring friends who don't abandon me but stick by me and support me no matter what.

I am thankful to be A, K, H, A, A, K and Janessa and Hope Abigail's Mommy!! <3

I was mad again when we went to another counseling appointment yesterday. Mad because everyone else has alive 2 1/2 year olds and all I get is to go to counseling and to the cemetery to visit my baby. So that was my mindset when I walked into the counseling appointment. I looked at the clock as I sat down and just thought to myself this is going to be a long hour because I’m not going to talk this time. 5 minutes later I’m bawling and spilling my guts about everything! I felt stupid because the thing I was the most upset about was the Christmas Song, Mary’s Lullaby, that the primary is singing for the Christmas program. I had been preparing myself for the typical Christmas songs, Away in a Manager and Silent Night and I think I was ready to face them this year, but, Mary’s Lullaby is way too much for me. I ended up having to escape primary and hide in the bathroom for about 5 minutes to get in control and calm down and I felt like a loser because I need to be a good example for my class not this dork who can’t face a simple Christmas song. My counselor helped me see why this song was upsetting and validated why the Christmas season is so hard for a baby loss mommy because the whole thing is focused on a mother and her child. I guess it was nice to have someone understand why Christmas hurts so much and that it is okay and understandable for me to be upset. I guess the reason I like counseling is when I go there I feel normal and that I’m okay and not like such a freak with all these crazy emotions.

I've just created a memorial page on Forever Missed.  I'd like to invite everyone to visit it and light a candle tribute for Janessa whenever you would like.

Janessa's Memorial Page

I received an advertisement today from Gerber Life Insurance telling me of all the great deals they had to provide life insurance for my 2 year old?!!!  REALLY?!!

I think it is a little too late for life insurance!!!

I wonder what they would think if I mailed it back in and put down her mailing address as plot 151 Memorial Estates Cemetery?!!

When I first read through the ad I was upset and angry, then I laughed at the stupidity of the whole thing, and now I'm sad.  I wish I had an alive 2 year old that I could buy their life insurance for.

Last night a friend called who knew what had happened to Janessa.  It felt so good to be able to talk about Janessa and say her name out loud.  Most people wouldn't even know who I was talking about when I said Janessa because they never bothered to ask anything about my baby--not even what I named her!!!  Then, when they did figure out that I was talking about my dead baby they would freak out and quickly try to change the subject.

Sometimes I feel like I have to live my life in a bubble.  Only saying Janessa and Hope's names to people who understand and won't freak out.  Some days I wish I could burst that bubble and scream their names out loud to everyone!!!!  "Janessa Shauna" & "Hope Abigail"  are my children too and I should be able to talk about them and say their names just like my living children.

Remember the Christmas Butterflies I did last year and hung up on my front room wall?  Well, after Christmas when I took them down, I couldn't bare to just shove them in a drawer somewhere, so, I hung them up on my stairwell wall and I have added to them everytime I have gotten a pinwheel request.  I have finally caught up on all the Christmas Butterflies so now there are 127 of them--it looks AMAZING!  I love seeing the pinwheels and these butterflies they bring me true peace and joy.

I will never get tired of seeing people write Janessa & Hope's names in different and creative ways.  It means so very much to me.  It helps to keep their memory alive and validate their little lives.

Thank you so much Anna!!  Visit Anna at Alanna Phoebe's Clay Names

I've had extreme issues with admitting that my grief has become more that I could handle anymore.  I guess I felt like I had to do it on my own or I was a failure.  It has been really hard for me to reach out for help.  I have been hiding in my grief cave because real life seemed too much to handle.  I'm ready to venture out of my cave now, but, this will only happen 1 tiny step at a time surrounded by my "support team".  I am tired of trying to deal with this grief all alone. 

Step one for me on my healing journey has to first acknowledge and admit that I needed help--that has been a really hard step for me. 

Step two has been asking for advice and council from other blm's and my religious leader on what things have worked best for them and gathering ideas. 

Step three was forming a plan and for my husband and I the first thing we are trying is talking to a grief counselor together.  We went to our first counseling session this morning. As we were driving there I flipped out telling my husband I didn’t want to go—I thought it was stupid and it wasn’t going to help and I could just handle this on my own. I was angry, I was scared, and I just didn’t want to deal with it. He took me there anyway.

We both weren’t sure what to expect. Our counselor was wonderful. She instantly helped us feel at ease. She validated both of our grief feelings.  It felt so freeing—I don’t think that is a word. It felt like I’ve been locked in this cage with all these awful feelings and this counselor opened the cage and helped me release some of those awful things I’ve been feeling. She didn’t make me feel stupid for some of my crazy thoughts and actions she helped me find reasoning behind some of my actions.  I guess more than anything it just felt safe to be there and nice to not have to worry about if someone was going to get upset about what I was saying or think I was a freak because I’m feeling such and such. We have scheduled another session for later in the month. This has given me hope again and a reason to smile again.  I almost wish we had done this earlier on the grief journey, but, I don't think I was ready to deal with it until now.

So my healing journey has begun as I travel the grief road.  I plan on posting along the way what is working and not working for me.  Some times I get frustrated because I want a "fast food" approach to healing--I want it now, quick, easy, fast, and painless and that is not how grief and healing work--it is a slow and steady process, but, so worth the effort!


 

Remembering you today Hope Abigail.  I can't believe it has been 18 months since we said goodbye. I miss you!  It is really hard right now as I remember all my hopes and dreams for you last year at this time and how we should be celebrating your 1st birthday on Dec. 3rd.  I love the picture that Catherine sent me of a sunset with the saying Every Sunset brings me 1 day closer to you--that brings me hope.  As I was watching the sunrise yesterday I guess that brought me some peace too as I thought about maybe every morning this is my angel girls saying "Hello Mom this is our drawing of love for you.  You can make it through this day!"  And then at sunset they are saying "We love you Mom--we knew you could make it through this day".

This will be my 3rd holiday season without Janessa and my 2nd holiday season without Hope Abigail.  Part of me can't bear to go through another holiday season--it is just too hard.  The other part of me is so tired of feeling sad, depressed and angry at the holidays season.  I just want to feel joy and happiness again like you should feel.  It will never be the same as before 2010.  Christmas is so hard because that is the last family picture I have of me pregnant with Janessa.  We are all smiling happily infront of the Christmas Tree and I am turned to the side so you can see my pregnant belly.  I guess we can't go back and regain the happiness we had in the past and doing the same old traditions just doesn't fit anymore.  Some of the things we have done for the past 2 years just seems to bring an unhappy and gloomy feeling over our house.  I want to start some new traditions that help to bring joy and peace again but also reflect remembrance of the 2 little angels who spend Christmas in Heaven instead of with us.  I haven't quite found the right things yet.  I just know I want something different.

Thank you so much Catherine!  Please visit Catherine at Twinkle of Light and her fundraiser for March of Dimes in memory of her angel baby Gabriel.

I received a refund check in the mail from the cemetery.  Apparently they overcharged us on taxes for Janessa's headstone.  I don't want their stupid refund money, I don't want to have to have a headstone or a gravesite for my baby.  Could you please refund my baby instead--I'd take her back over all the money in the world? :`(