PinWheels From Heaven

TODAY there is 10 Days before Hope Abigail's 2nd Angel Birthday. 

TODAY I begin to wear yellow shirts for the next 10 days in memory of the 10 weeks that I carried her. 

TODAY  I am so glad that while I was pregnant with her that I named her and talked to her and enjoyed her even if it was for only 10 weeks. 

TODAY I'm glad that I chose the name Hope for her because it is such a common word that you can find it everywhere, so I get Hugs from Heaven a lot.  It's a common word, but, a word with a lot of meaning.

My birthday is coming up in May along with Hope's 2nd Angel Birthday.  I'm trying to make plans but I keep getting frustrated.  2 years ago it was my 40th birthday.  2 years ago I planned my 40th birthday a year in advance.  I had plans for every day for the week leading up to my birthday.  I wasn't going to sit around and be depressed because I was turning 40 I was going to celebrate my middle age.  When I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks before my 40th birthday I was ecstatic!!  I decided to buy a little bear to leave on the table on my birthday to announce to all my children that we were having another baby--it just added into my fun plans and being pregnant with my rainbow baby was the best gift ever for my 40th birthday.

Losing Hope Abigail 7 days before my birthday and the day before Mothers Day was devastating to me!  My rainbow baby was stolen from me, my best 40th birthday present ever was stolen from me, all my 40th birthday plans were stolen from me because I spent the week recovering from my miscarriage and beginning the grief journey all over again--all my plans gone!  Part of me is so angry that I miscarried Hope that week--Why not a week later so I could have enjoyed Mothers Day and all my birthday plans?  Now I HATE mothers day--it reminds me of what was stolen from me.  I even dislike my birthday because of  all the emotional turmoil I went through that year.  Last year we went on vacation on my birthday--that was nice to just get away. 

This year I thought maybe I could make up for that failed 40th birthday--the problem is I can't remember all the plans I made because I threw everything away and that part of my memory is blocked.  I feel so much emotion--sadness, emptiness, and anger about my birthday.  Part of me just wants to forget my birthday and not do anything the other part of me wants to heal and do something fun and have a normal birthday again.   But how can I?  I'm super sensitive to seeing pregnant women and women with babies right now and in Utah they are everywhere!!   I look at them and wonder what's wrong with me?  Why couldn't I have a normal pregnancy and get an alive baby at the end?  Why did my body fail me and make me loose my last two babies?  With both Janessa & Hope Abigail's deaths I don't feel like I will ever be able to have a "normal" birthday ever again.

We've been painting and cleaning and reorganizing a room in my house this past week.   I had quite a few “hard moments” sorting through stuff yesterday—I ran into notebooks full of little planning things I had been doing in 2009 while I was pregnant with Janessa, I found a copy of the last sacrament meeting talk I gave on Easter of 2009 on the atonement that was 30 days before my friends husband was killed in a car accident, and 1 year before Janessa died, I found a couple of books my obgyn gave me when I was pregnant with Janessa “Guide to Breastfeeding”(Didn't Need That One!!!!! :`(  and “A Guide to your Pregnancy”, one of the hardest things I found was my planning calendar that I had made for April 2010 for our homeschool after Janessa was to be born so I could take the month off and the kids would still have some sort of school structure.

I glanced through the guide to your pregnancy to see if they had anything in there about stillborn babies--nothing!  There was only one sentence in the back on warning signs--if you don't feel movement go into your doctor!!  I'm like by then its too LATE you morons!  I glanced through their chart on when they consider you a high risk pregnancy:  Over age 35-Check, Any family members with down syndrome-Check, High Blood Pressure-Check, any unusual births of previous children-Check, Any previous children born dead-Check, any miscarriages-Check.  I think I could check most of their questions.  Problem is I have been a High Risk Pregnancy from my first baby on, I just didn't know it.  I had preeclampsia with my first baby who I delivered by C-Section.  From then on I was high risk but was too naïve to know it--I just thought it was normal when you went in to deliver a baby that they made you read and sign all these risk factor papers on delivering a VBAC baby and that everyone automatically got hooked to an IV the minute they walked through the doors. I guess it all just threw it in my face that we are done--no rainbow--8 is enough :`(

I also found a box full of old worn out baby bibs that I had to just throw away and that was really hard.  I'm not sure I like all this painting, cleaning, and organizing.  It is wearing me out physically and emotionally!

In honor of 4/13/2013 I put up the last of my wall stickers--one of my favorite scriptures
 Philippians 4:13 !!!

At the store today I found this cute little yard sign.  It is perfect!!!  It has Hope's name on it plus my favorite saying, 2 little flowers to represent both Janessa and Hope, and a ladybug just for her.  I LOVE it!!  This was the perfect month to find this because this year instead of dreading Hope's angel birthday coming up, I am remembering how happy I was for those 10 weeks.  I am so grateful that I was allowed one last positive pregnancy test with her and that I at least got a little bit of time with her.




I have had really good days these past 4 days.  I have felt happy, calm and peaceful.  For just a moment the gloom and depression and heaviness of grief has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm enjoying every minute of it.  I wish this could last forever, but, I know it won't.  Usually I only get moments like this for a couple of hours so I'm soaking up all the joy I can right now to prepare me for the return of the daily grief.   For me this is a tiny glimpse of what life will be like when I am finally reunited with Janessa and Hope.

I got some "Hugs From Heaven" today. 

First as I was taking my daughter to her class I noticed there was a perfect ring of clouds just around the tip of one of the mountains that made it look like it had a halo--wish I had had a camera to take a picture--definitely my little girls saying hello. 

Next at Target today they finally had the Slinky PinWheels!!!!  I was so happy I almost did a pinwheel dance right there in the aisle :)  I can get the pinwheels half the price at Target and I get to choose what colors I want <3 

Finally, as I was doing a pinwheel picture for Ashley Flowers brother CJ I saw a beautiful heart cloud right above his pinwheel in the picture!  I watched as it quickly went from being a heart to a giant C-- I believe for CJ. I believe this was CJ sharing a message to his sister and her family to say "Love CJ" It really touched my heart to see this happen. 



It has been a really good day today! :)

How does time slip by so fast?  I can't believe we are down to 30 days until Hope's Angel Birthday.  Makes me sad and happy to remember my time with Hope.