PinWheels From Heaven

So my husband and I have been going to grief/marriage counseling for almost a year now.  It's helped, but, we've kind of reached a blockade where we aren't progressing anymore.  The problem, I have extreme trauma related to both Janessa and Hope's deaths that makes it really hard for me to cope in "real" life seeing pregnant women, babies, and toddlers.  I have melt downs and anxiety attacks, almost every Sunday and it has been really hard to cope with. 

One of the hardest things is other people not understanding how hard this is for me.  They judge me because it has been 3 1/2 years and I should "be over it" already.  I have a form of PTSD that a lot of people don't understand because they can't see how having a stillborn baby and a miscarried baby could cause such trauma, anxiety, and stress.  I'm glad that for most blm's the grief doesn't get this awful and that most are able to find ways to cope and move forward.  For me it has been like I am in a deep, dark, hole and haven't been able to get out.  My current counselor has sent me to a Trauma Counselor who deals with PTSD.  I had my first appointment yesterday.  It was more of a getting to know you appointment, tell me your story and lets see if you are a good candidate for EMDR Therapy.  I shared both Janessa and Hope's stories.  I was shocked by the details I still remember and the emotions that came along with it.  I almost felt like I relived both of those awful days yesterday--it was hard.  But, it was also nice to have someone listen and care.  She said I am definitely a good candidate for the Therapy.  That will start next week.  It is going to be hard because each session I'm going to have to think about a hard memory and get to the point where I am reliving it so she can help me refile that memory into a normal thing.  I'm scared and really nervous, but, want so badly for this to work because I am so tired of all the anxiety and stress that I have been trying to cope with on my own.

This therapy is going to take up even more of my limited time, so I apologize for an even longer delay in getting pinwheel pictures done for those on the pinwheel waiting list.

DON'T WORRY--I AM NOT ANNOUNCING ANYTHING WITH THIS BLOG POST.  I am going to get my blog posts for 2013 printed into a book and I wanted to include my posts from my other blog In Search of Sunshine/Angel/Rainbow Healing where I was writing about my pregnancy with Jason.  These posts chronicle 6 weeks with Jason--all my hopes and dreams and worries--they are actually kind of hard to read right now.


SEPTEMBER 1, 2013

A different type of Rainbow Healing

I just realized that it isn't the 10 week mark I should fear, but, it is the 9 week mark.  With Hope it was at 9 weeks that I started spotting.  At 9 weeks I went into the obgyn to have another awful ultrasound where they gave me the diagnosis of either I was having a miscarriage or I wasn't as far along as I thought I was.  It was at 9 weeks that I endured the worst week of my life going from lightly spotting and having hope to full blown bleeding and cramping.  It was at 9 weeks that I wore my first and last maternity outfit.  It was at 9 weeks that I shared my last week with my beautiful Hope Abigail.  It was exactly on the 10 week mark that Hope slipped from my life. 

This Friday I will be 9 weeks along with my rainbow baby.  I'm scared and hopeful at the same time.  Scared because I am constantly afraid I will start spotting at any time.  Hopeful because my morning sickness gets worse each day whereas with Hope by this time I didn't have any morning sickness anymore.  I'm hopeful because this time I am going to the doctor on Thursday before I hit the 9 week mark.  This also makes me scared that he will discover bad news.  I want to stay hopeful.  I want to look 9 weeks in the face and say "Bring it On"!!  I want to get to my 10 week mark next Friday the 27th and wear one happy face sock and one rainbow sock because I will still be pregnant.  I want to get to 10 weeks and 1 day and take another pregnancy test just so I can prove to myself that I am NOT going to have an early miscarriage this time.  This pregnancy is different than Hopes. 

I really just want the next week and a half to just go by really, really, fast so I can relax and breathe a little easier.  I suppose I will never really relax with this baby until they are born alive and in my arms.

 

SEPTEMBER 19, 2013

This has been an extremely stressful/amazing day. 

Words are inadequate to describe how I am feeling right now.  Joy and happiness beyond measure!!!  I saw my baby and their heartbeat on the ultrasound machine!!!  I burst into tears seeing their little heart beating away.  It was a very sacred and healing experience.  I’m sure Janessa and Hope were in that little room with us helping me to stay calm and at peace.  My Doctor and his nurse were very sympathetic about how much stress I was feeling because of what has happened the last 2 times I went in there.  

As we drove into the hospital parking lot all the memories of losing Janessa and Hope at this place just exploded inside me and I sat bawling in the parking lot for a few minutes.  I pulled myself together and calmly walked into the office.  I’m so glad I’ve gone through the EMDR therapy because talk about a place with triggers—pregnant women and babys and baby carriers everywhere!!!  It was no big deal for me—my brain just went oh it’s a pregnant women, oh it’s a baby, and then moved on.  Even in the little elevator we ended up with a pregnant women and a lady with a newborn and I didn’t panic, didn’t stress, it was just an ordinary thing for me now.  I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful that is to not freak out about all those things now.   

The room they put me in had the dreaded ultrasound machine in it.  I was freaking out just sitting in there.  I had a hard time not crying while waiting for the doctor to come in just looking at the ultrasound machine.   

This baby is for real to me now and I am thrilled to be able to share whatever time Heavenly Father gives me with them.   My doctor knew how important this was to me so he tried to get a close up of their little heart beating and then printed a picture which they normally don’t do.  In this picture I have the little items I brought with me to this appointment as comfort items, a little heart pillow that Janessa held and the little rainbow ribbon that I tied around the jar after I miscarried Hope.

 

 

 

SEPTEMBER 24, 2013

 

When to Share the News

I've been paranoid about sharing our news that we are pregnant.  For now I have only shared with a few people.  Why am I so scared?  I guess I don't want to get every ones hopes up and then have it all end in sadness again.  I guess I'm afraid of the reactions people will have--anger that we are putting our family through this again, disappointed in us because "we didn't think this out because both my husband and I are in our 40's", over excitement that this will "cure me" and replace Janessa so that I will stop thinking about her or visiting her grave.  Then for my living children I'm afraid to have to put them through this journey again.  We will all feel the stress of wondering each week will this be the last week we get?  I wanted to wait until we at least went to our first obgyn appointment so that we could make sure everything looked okay and we got a heartbeat.  Did that.  Now I want to wait until I officially make it past the 10 week mark so that I can say we are further than we made it with Hope.  That will be this Friday the 27th.  I'm so scared to tell them.  But, I am so sick right now and can barely function that I need to tell them before they think I have some horrible disease or something.  I want them to have a chance to say hi to this baby and pray for this baby and hope for this baby.  I want to be able to talk as a family about our fears, but, also our hopes and for all of us to be okay with no matter what happens.

I'm trying to put together an object lesson using candles and scriptures for our family scripture study on Sunday to announce the baby.  I can't even do that our normal way either of just leaving a little bear with a sign on the table like we have in the past.  I do have the bear, I'm making the sign, but, I have to ease everyone into it first.  Makes me sad for the innocence of Janessa's pregnancy and just leaving the bear on the table.  Makes me sad that Hope Abigail slipped away before we could even announce her. We'll see if Sunday comes and I still have my courage.

I wish I could promise them that everything is going to be just fine for this baby--but I can't.  I really hate how grief takes away the normalcy and innocence of pregnancy.

 Janessa's Bear

 

 

Hope Abigail's Bear

 

 

 

Baby Cox's Bear

 

SEPTEMBER 27, 2013

 

10 Weeks

I’m sitting here this morning feeling sadappy.  Happy because I have reached the 10 week mark and there has been no spotting or bleeding or cramping—just lots and lots of morning sickness.  And I know it sounds weird, but, I am so grateful for that awful morning sickness—it has given hope that I would make it to this day and that I will make it beyond this day.  I’m so grateful for my EMDR therapy because it has helped me get to this day without fear and stress and anxiety, but, what it doesn’t do is take away the grief.  The 10 week mark is a trigger day for me as my thoughts go to my miscarried baby Hope Abigail in remembering that she disappeared from my life at this mark in her pregnancy.  I realize now how very short a time I got with her and how much I missed out with her, but, also, how much she taught me in those very short 10 weeks. 

 I have to laugh at a piece of paper that I had taped underneath my calendar with today’s date on it.  It is my exercise goals that I set for myself at the first of August before I knew I was pregnant.  I wanted to exercise for a certain amount of time 5 days a week and loose all these inches around my hips and waist and loose 10 lbs by today Sept. 27th.  This is EXHIBIT A of how our lives plans are different than what God’s plans for our lives are!!!  So I have gained inches everywhere and instead of loosing 10 lbs I have gained 10 lbs instead!!!  Little did I know then what this day would mean to me today as I hit 10 weeks in a pregnancy. 

So I really feel like climbing back in bed and succumbing to the morning sickness and sadness and just sleep the day away, but, I will force myself to go exercise while I dry heave, finish homeschooling with my kids, find some time to go decorate Hope’s memorial stone in our backyard and cry and think about her, celebrate my 10 weeks with this baby by eating pickles, cucumbers, ginger snaps, crackers, and mint gum and then reward myself with a nap this afternoon! :`)

 

 

OCTOBER 3, 2013

 

Telling the Kids

We told our kids Sunday and that turned out to be quite the experience.  I was stressed all last week trying to figure out the best way to tell them.  On Friday night I had a very vivid dream where I was shown what to do and what to say to tell our kids about the baby.  I woke up at 3 am fully awake with the feeling to write down everything that was in that dream—I did and that is how I presented it to my kids.  During our family scripture study on Sunday night I told the kids that our theme for that night was adversity and trusting God so I had printed out 8 scriptures that related to that topic.  I had each kid read their scripture and then they had a little paper heart they got to turn over with a letter on it.  I told them it would spell out a treat I had for them at the end—it really didn’t spell out the treat which was smore pop tarts it spelled out baby cox.  It was fun watching them try to figure out what treat all those letters spelled out.  As a joke my oldest daughter actually spelled out baby cox trying to be a funny, but, I said you got it.  They all looked at me like I had just spoken a foreign language as I pulled out the pop tarts and the little teddy bear that had the little sign Baby Cox coming to our family April 25th 2014!!  Everyone went silent—they didn’t understand or they were in shock—I don’t know but I actually had to tell them we are having a BABY!!  Then they all started cheering!!  I’m glad they are excited about the baby.   We talked about all their fears and how we needed to choose either to be sad and depressed and worried for the next 7 months or we could have hope and find joy in every week we are given with this baby.  I wish I could give them the peace that I feel, but, I guess they will have to discover that on their own. 

 It made me happy that I was able to tell our kids about this baby, but, also a little sad remembering how I had looked forward to telling them about Hope on my birthday which was a week after I miscarried her.  The nice thing is being able to do this for this baby has taken some of the hurt and sting out of not being able to do that for Hope.  Each day that I get over 10 weeks with this baby is such a blessing and a gift to me.  That helps take some of the sting out of losing Hope so early too.

 

 

OCTOBER 4, 2013

Maternity Clothes

Yesterday was my first time wearing maternity clothes that I had worn while I was pregnant with Janessa.  I was worried it would cause me to have flashbacks and be really sad.  I was surprised that it caused the opposite reaction--extreme joy and happiness.  I felt so happy remembering Janessa being alive inside me kicking and having a great time.  These clothes actually helped me feel a little closer to her.  There is one shirt that I will not be wearing during this pregnancy.  For me this is Janessa's shirt.  It is a green shirt that I wore when we took family pictures around our Christmas tree and are the only really good pictures of me pregnant with Janessa.  It is also the shirt I wore to her graveside service.  This shirt has special meaning to me and is like the blanket Janessa was wrapped in after she was born still.  Funny how even clothes can cause such strong emotions in me.

 

OCTOBER 6, 2013

 

Flashback Trigger

 

Today I find myself extremely discouraged and depressed because of a flashback trigger I am having this weekend about Janessa.  I was afraid of having these because this pregnancy is following so closely the weeks I was pregnant with Janessa.

In my church we have what's called General Conference every 6 months where we hear talks from our Prophet and other church leaders.  I was looking forward to this yesterday, but, I find myself unable to focus on any of the talks and instead I feel sad, angry, and frustrated.  I'm remembering when I was pregnant with Janessa over General Conference and feeling excited that 6 months from then on the next General Conference and Easter, April 4th, 2010, it was Janessa's due date and my pregnancy would all be over and I would be cuddling my newborn in my arms.  I was looking forward to that date because I had morning sickness really bad with Janessa that lasted for 6 months.  Remembering that moment and now looking back and knowing what really happened--Janessa died 4 weeks before and instead of cuddling a newborn on that date, I hugged an empty blanket and wept bitterly from a broken heart, it is very overwhelming to me!

I actually found myself thinking the same thing with this pregnancy that by the time next General Conference came it would be almost time for this baby to be born.  Problem is that is when the fear and What If's started creeping in.  What if this baby dies too?  What if I endure this pregnancy like I did Janessa's and again get nothing but an empty blanket and heartbreak?   My due date April 25th with this baby is the week of Easter next year and when General Conference in April rolls around it will be around the 36 week mark for me in this pregnancy and that is the week I loss Janessa.  I cried myself to sleep last night remembering my precious angel baby Janessa and all the hopes and dreams I had for April 4th.  I don't want a repeat of 2010!  I don't like feeling all this fear and discouragement!  I refuse to feel this way for whatever time I am given with this baby! 

For today I will let the tears come.  I will acknowledge my sadness for Janessa and my fears for this pregnancy and then I will turn it over to Heavenly Father and hopefully tomorrow He can help me find my faith and hope again.

 

OCTOBER 8, 2013

 

Baby's First Christmas Ornament

I was looking at a mail order catalog last night and came upon the pages of Baby's First Christmas Ornaments.  The past 3 years I have always got upset seeing these ornaments because I wanted so badly to have one for Janessa and Hope and instead got "Memorial Christmas Ornaments".  I got thinking about this baby and how much I want one for this baby too, but, there still are no guarantees.  But, then I thought to myself, technically this Christmas 2013 will be this baby's first Christmas--inside of me.  This baby will get to go through all the joys and smells and sounds of Christmas through me,  just like Janessa did.  I'm going to order one of those ornaments then this baby will have a Baby's First Christmas Ornament no matter what happens!  I've found one that will be okay for either a boy or a girl since we will probably just be finding out through an ultrasound by then, and I will just put Baby Cox on the ornament because we won't have a name picked out by then. 

I did have the thought cross my mind of what if I loose this baby before Christmas?  I HATE those What if thoughts.  My answer then I will have an ornament for what would have been this baby's first Christmas and a way to remember him or her.  I choose to believe that this baby will get to be with me for Christmas and for that I find joy.  This baby is my Christmas present no matter what happens!

 

OCTOBER 9, 2013

 

My Worst Nightmare

Today I am facing one of my worst nightmares with this pregnancy--I started spotting.  I guess I naively thought once I was past the 10 week mark that I was SAFE--wrong.  I have been freaking out all day.  Lucky for me I also had a Trauma Counseling session and my Counselor just let me cry and talk and helped calm me down.  Then I went in to the doctors to get another ultrasound to check for a heartbeat.  Talk about dejavu with Hope's pregnancy--I've felt like I've been reliving May 2011 all over again today.  Except this time we found a heartbeat!!!  Tomorrow I go in for a more in depth ultrasound to figure out why I am bleeding.  This has been my worse day so far in this pregnancy.  I want to be able to accept what ever happens in this pregnancy, but, dang it I want more time with this baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've seen this baby's heartbeat twice now and I'm over the heels in love with this baby.  Don't know what tomorrow will bring, but, for tonight I will focus on that beautiful heart beat and hope for the best. 

 

 

OCTOBER 10, 2013

 

Another Angel

My baby became an angel today October 10th, 2013 at 4:30 p.m.  I am devastated and so very heartbroken--how do I deal with 3 holes in my heart now?

I wrote this on my facebook page an hour before I miscarried my baby:

Well, it looks like I get to relive May 2011 all over again. They could not find the baby’s heartbeat today—I got the I’m so sorry there is no heartbeat sentence all over again. So I was sent home with another stupid collection jar. So, by some miracle either the bleeding will stop and next week we’ll go in and there will be a heart beat, but, the reality is it is going to be another long, miserable, and hard weekend where another one of my precious babies becomes an angel to be watched over by their big sisters Janessa and Hope. I so hate this!!! I wanted so badly to just hold this baby alive for 5 minutes. I would rather have a stillborn baby than a miscarriage. I have a mixture of emotions right now, shock, sadness, anger, and of course why me again?????? But, for right now I want to put all of that aside because for right now this baby is still inside of me and I want to cradle and love them and enjoy them to the end. 

 

I thought God would give me more time with my baby, but, he couldn't even give me and extra day.  I miscarried so quickly that my whole family is traumatized and in shock right now.  We have been through so much these past 3 1/2 years dealing with the deaths of Janessa and Hope this is too much for us to deal with and handle.

 

I just can't believe that my baby is sitting in that stupid collection jar on my bathroom counter instead of safe inside of me.  Why did this have to happen again?  It is NOT Fair!!!

 

 OCTOBER 14, 2013

 

Empty

I don't know what to do with this blog anymore.  I started it in hopes of recording my journey through my rainbow pregnancy--the highs the lows the in-betweens.  I wanted it to be a record of this pregnancy.  Now this blog just haunts me.  It is a blog that sits here empty now.  There is nothing more to record about my pregnancy because I am empty too.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would only have my baby and this blog for only 12 weeks.  I scream in anger at the unfairness of it all!  I cry in pain at having a 3rd hole in my heart!  I try in vain to find peace and acceptance about this whole mess.  I don't know how to respond to anything anymore.  I'm grateful for the few memories this blog has allowed me to record of my short pregnancy.  But now I am probably just going to leave it unwritten and empty just like Jason's story is for now.



Hello Everyone!  I'm having a Drawing for an Angel Bear!  Please read below to find out how to enter.



One of my daughters is celebrating her 18th birthday this month.  Her goal was to have her book  "Twisted"  that she has been writing for the past 3 years published by her birthday.  She wants to use the money she earns from this book for college.  Because of delays with her editor she is still in the correcting stage of her book and was really disappointed that that dream won't be happening.   Writing this book is what she turned to after Janessa died.  It has been a way for her to deal and cope with her grief of losing her little sisters.

She wrote a short story in January of this year called Wizard Wanderings.  As we were looking at it, I realized that we could turn this short story into a continuing story that we could publish different adventures with cliff hanger endings.  I have been working really hard this week to help her get it published to Amazon Kindle so she could reach her dream of being a "published author" for her 18th birthday. Happily I have been able to do that! Click this Wizard Wanderings or click on the tab on this page on the right to see her book.

Her author pen name is Taylor Durham.   This is just a very short story (8 pages)  that will be the beginning of a series of short stories that she will publish twice a month.  This is the description that we wrote about the book on Amazon:  Maldin Merlin the Third is tired of his life as the castle wizard.  He yearns for adventure or at least to take one step outside of the kingdom borders.  Fed up with his boring life he sets off on his adventure.  What he finds outside the familiar kingdom borders is more than what he bargained for.  Join Maldin on his short continuing story adventures that will be published twice a month.  These continuing stories are just perfect for a quick bedtime story or wait time at a doctor's office or a few spare moments to just escape into a world of magic, wizards, dragons, and adventure!

I really thought it would be fun to see if I could get "18" or more people to buy her kindle book so that it would give her the self confidence to continue to finish her Twisted book.  So, I am going to have a drawing for 1 Angel Bear stuff animal.  This is not sponsored, endorsed, administered by or associated with Facebook.  All the information you provide is to me and not to Facebook, it is something I am doing on my own.  This drawing is for a brand new pink or blue angel bear.  They are very soft and cuddly--the perfect thing to fill empty arms when you're having a hard day.

To enter this drawing you need to go to Amazon and buy her 8 page short story Kindle Book Wizards Wanderings A Continuing Story Part 1 for  .99 Click Here Wizard Wanderings or on the link below or on the sidebar. 

Then go to my Pinwheels Facebook page there is a link to the right on this page that will take you directly there and comment that you bought it.  Also indicate which angel bear you would like the blue or pink one. 

For a second entry like and share this post on facebook and comment again that you did that.  All entrys must be made on my Pinwheels Facebook Page.

This drawing will end in 1 week on Friday, Aug. 30th, at midnight and the winner will be chosen on Saturday, Aug. 31st.  This would really mean a lot to my daughter  so if you are able to help out that would be wonderful <3

I realized this morning that because of a mix up between my online angel birthday list and the list that I had printed with the angel baby names 7 angel babies names were left off and not written in chalk.  I feel horrible.  To the parents of angel babies Shane Robert Jr., Carla, Maddison, Lily Katherine, Emilee, Lily Alice, and Baby Finley, I want to express my sincerest apologies for this mistake--I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.  I have corrected the inconsistencies between my 2 lists and I have written their names on my giant sidewalk chalk prayer flag.  Unfortunately my neighbors watered again so the Oct. list got smeared again so I gave Baby Finley her own square.

Tonight I am going to light candles underneath my prayer flag again for these 7 and other angel babies that I just received pinwheel requests for.  I have updated my prayer flag list and I have added stars for all the new angel baby names.

I now have 14 angel babies on my pinwheel waiting list.  I am excited to create these healing pictures for these angels mommy and daddys, but, I am also overwhelmed.  We are starting back to school in the next 2 weeks and since I homeschool that means that I will have less free time to dedicate to taking these pictures.  Please be patient with me.  I will work as quickly as I can but, I want them to be just right so it does take me time.  I can probably only do about 2 or 3 pictures a week so your probably looking at about a 4-6 week wait time now.  Just wanted you to be aware of this as you make pinwheel picture requests.

The Day of Hope started out really happy and calm and peaceful for me.  Then as the day progressed I found myself getting more and more upset.  I've been looking forward to this day for over 3 months and I guess I felt disappointment by the end of the day.  I got really worried about the weather because the clouds kept getting thicker and darker and it did actually sprinkle for a minute or two.  I was so afraid it would wash away all the names before I got to do the luminaries.  When I went out around 5 pm to write another name I discovered that 2 of the months had been erased--not by the rain, but, by the neighbors sprinklers.  We ran back outside and rewrote those names.  When we finally did get the luminaries out there, the stupid wind came up and kept knocking them over so we just grabbed a bunch of candles instead and lit them all over.  I guess it turned out okay, but, I just felt like crying.  I'm trying to have hope, but, tonight I just feel hopeless and I am really missing Janessa and Hope Abigail.  I want them and not the prayer flags.

I feel so much peace and joy today as I join with other Baby Loss Mommies across the world as we celebrate The Day of Hope with our Prayer Flags.  I absolutely love seeing all the different prayer flags that have been made.  They are all so beautiful and made with such love from grieving mommies like me.  On Saturday Night we started writing the angel names on my driveway.  Sunday morning we got up early and finished all the names.  It looks so AMAZING!!!!  I had so much fun writing the names and decorating the squares with my husband and kids.  Can't wait until tonight when we will light candles under the prayer flags and luminaries outside on the giant "chalk prayer flag"!  <3