Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
A Caged Tiger
Today I feel like a caged tiger pacing back and forth inside my grief cage. I feel trapped, I feel sad, I feel like a failure, I feel jealous, I feel angry, I feel EMPTY! Back and forth I pace remembering just a couple of weeks ago the freedom I felt as I had been let out of my grief cage and was moving forward on my grief journey only to be slammed back inside the cage after only a couple months of freedom!! What did I do to deserve being thrust inside this grief cage 3 times now?!!!! This sucks so bad—why did this have to happen to me again—I hate this stupid grief cage!!! I feel so torn apart and half crazy—I want to flee from all this sorrow—but there is no where far enough that I could go that it would not find me and thrust me back into the grief cage. So now I pace back and forth, back and forth, until I’ve done my time inside the grief cage again and am allowed my freedom once more.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
PinWheels Moved inside for the Winter
I am so happy that I was able to keep the pinwheels outside in my PinWheel Healing field for an extra week this year. They have been so beautiful to look at spinning and shining in the sun. I am so happy that my chalk drawings are still out there and haven't been washed away yet.
One last look at the pinwheels on one of their last mornings outside. That pinwheel in front that is making a star glow from the sun shining on it is my Aunt DeAnn and Aunt LeeAnne's pinwheel.
One last look at the pinwheels on one of their last mornings outside. That pinwheel in front that is making a star glow from the sun shining on it is my Aunt DeAnn and Aunt LeeAnne's pinwheel.
It is always a happy/sad time when it get's to October and it is time to move the pinwheels inside. I'm sad that they will now sit perfectly still for the next 5 months until Janessa's Angel Birthday in March when I will move them outside again. I am happy that they will now be protected from the strong wind and weather of the winter months and I am happy that for the next 5 months I get to enjoy seeing them everyday in my living room--they just instantly brighten up that room!!!
What Janessa, Hope, and Jason's Outside Pinwheel garden will look like for the next 5 months. Kind of bleak and empty, but, I'm really glad I will still have that big rainbow pinwheel out there to represent all of our angel babies.
Where the PinWheels will live for the next 5 months all snuggled together in my living room <3
Remembering LeeAnne on her Birthday Oct. 28th
Happy Birthday in Heaven
Aunt LeeAnne <3
(LeeAnne is my Aunt who was killed in a car accident when she was 16 years old--I was 1 years old at the time)
Sunday, October 27, 2013
The Empty (???) Angel Tree
Three weeks ago and about a week before I miscarried Jason this is what the Angel Tree looked like:
Kind of ironic that 2 weeks after I loss Jason this is what the angel tree looks like:
It made me sad to look at it so empty and bare because it stands as a reminder as to how I feel too--Empty and Bleak.
But, on closer look the Angel Tree is not really empty--deep inside its so called "heart" there are the 8 beautiful wind chimes that I have heard but had a hard time seeing all spring and summer giving our angels voices. I think maybe deep inside me I'm not so empty either--I think I have a beautiful "heart" of peace, calm, and hope too.
Friday, October 25, 2013
NOT 14 Weeks
For my NOT 14 Weeks this week I received a beautiful necklace with all of my angel babies names on it. I received pictures I ordered of a boy angel by Sandra Kuck that I will use to represent Jason.
I learned a new technique in my EMDR Therapy that I can use by myself to help me when I feel panicked feelings especially now when I relive all the miscarriage memories.
I have gone up and down on the roller coaster grief emotion ride this week. Some days I feel peace and joy and hope and feel okay. Other days I feel heartbroken and can't seem to even function and still other days I'm so angry that I just want to throw and break things.
For my NOT 14 Weeks, I hung up Jason's new wind chime in the tree next to Janessa and Hope's wind chimes above their memorial stones.
I cleaned up Janessa and Hopes memorial stones and found a spot for Jason's memorial stone when it comes. My daughter made a temporary memorial stone for him out of sticks.
I took down the PinWheel Healing Field and put all the pinwheels together and placed them inside my house.
I finished 2 PinWheel Pictures for Angel Baby Thor and Angel Baby Rivera.
Did a little "Shopping Grief Therapy" and found me some new cute NON pregnant clothes and some new material for pinwheel picture backgrounds and a beautiful little sign that says HOPE for my new motto in life.
And I wore my star socks and knit 6 little angel hats. Today's NOT 14 weeks has been really hard because the 14 is reminding me that Jason was suppose to be born in 2014 and I was so excited to have a baby born in that year. Also, today is the 25th and it is exactly 6 months to what should be Jason's due date.
I learned a new technique in my EMDR Therapy that I can use by myself to help me when I feel panicked feelings especially now when I relive all the miscarriage memories.
I have gone up and down on the roller coaster grief emotion ride this week. Some days I feel peace and joy and hope and feel okay. Other days I feel heartbroken and can't seem to even function and still other days I'm so angry that I just want to throw and break things.
For my NOT 14 Weeks, I hung up Jason's new wind chime in the tree next to Janessa and Hope's wind chimes above their memorial stones.
I cleaned up Janessa and Hopes memorial stones and found a spot for Jason's memorial stone when it comes. My daughter made a temporary memorial stone for him out of sticks.
I took down the PinWheel Healing Field and put all the pinwheels together and placed them inside my house.
I went to my last Obgyn miscarriage checkup appointment. To help me get through it I took 3 little h.o.p.e. bags as a donation for them to give to others who loose their babies this month.
This last appointment was really HARD!!!!! I was a mess as we drove back to that stinking hospital and road up the elevator. All the memories of 2 weeks ago came rushing back. When we got in there they wanted me to talk to the billing office I didn't think any thing of it until they start giving me the familiar this is how much your insurance will pay and how much you will pay for the next 6 months at your monthly appointments. Then it clicked--these morons thought I was still pregnant!!! :( I not so nicely interrupted her little speech and said this appointment today is for a MISCARRIAGE follow-up--THERE IS NO MORE BABY!!!!!!!! Then I abruptly ran out of there and back to the waiting room where I had a melt down. :`(
I was sad because I wanted to be setting up a payment schedule to pay for my alive baby in April--I was ANGRY that the billing office practically stabbed me in the heart reminding me that my baby was gone. I was so glad when my nurse came and got me and she asked me how I was and I started bawling and she hugged me. I'm so glad that I had those little h.o.p.e bags that I was donating with me because that helped me calm down and then I had my nurse and my doctor in tears because of those bags. The appointment with my obgyn actually went really well. He was very kind and compassionate and understanding and that makes all the difference in the world. I don't like that this was my last appointment, but, I am okay and at peace that this is how it is suppose to be. I also found out that of the 5 of his patients over 40 who we were all pregnant together another one miscarried her baby last week :`( so now there are only 3 left.
I finished 2 PinWheel Pictures for Angel Baby Thor and Angel Baby Rivera.
Did a little "Shopping Grief Therapy" and found me some new cute NON pregnant clothes and some new material for pinwheel picture backgrounds and a beautiful little sign that says HOPE for my new motto in life.
And I wore my star socks and knit 6 little angel hats. Today's NOT 14 weeks has been really hard because the 14 is reminding me that Jason was suppose to be born in 2014 and I was so excited to have a baby born in that year. Also, today is the 25th and it is exactly 6 months to what should be Jason's due date.
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