PinWheels From Heaven

I was so upset this yesterday morning that I had to shut down and just QUIT the grief journey for a couple of hours. I know I can't really quit it and ever get away from it because unfortunately it will be my constant companion for the rest of my life. This morning I needed to just be Shauna, not the woman who should have had a baby today, not the woman who has 4 angel babies, not even the woman who has 6 living children, not Shauna the mother or Shauna the wife, not Shauna the home school teacher, not Shauna the sister, daughter or friend, not even Shauna the woman who reaches out to others through my blog pinwheels from heaven. Today I just needed to just be Shauna the person. I tossed my baby loss jewelry on the counter and headed out the door to just take some ME time.

I got my hair cut really short and just chatted with the stylist about ordinary things. When the question how many kids do you have did pop up, I just said 6 because dang it for those couple of hours I needed to just be normal and ordinary and I didn't want to share about my angel babies. I did cringe a little when she asked me if I had anything fun planned this weekend--the grieving Shauna did pop back in there as I answered that question in my head of I should be at a hospital nursing my baby but maybe I'll spend the weekend eating chocolate and bawling instead, but, the "just Shauna" answered--Nope no fun plans. I pampered myself and let her style my hair and when she was done and I looked in the mirror and I look so totally different than that grieving woman I have become, I could genuinely smile at myself and feel happy about my new look. Then I took myself shopping.

After I got back I was ready to step back into my many Shauna roles. I put my memorial jewelry back on, I took the 40 little hats and hung them up outside over Jason's memorial stone. As I hung up each hat I reflected on the many weeks I have endured since my miscarriage and the many things that have happened.

I'm still not happy about how different yesterday was than what I was hoping for 6 months ago, but, it was so nice to just take a break from grief today and just pretend I was an ordinary/normal person even if it was only for a couple of hours--it gave me a chance to catch my breath again.

THANK YOU so much to everyone who commented or sent a card or emailed yesterday--they really meant a lot. Due Dates and Angel Birthdays and other trigger dates are so very hard to get through all alone and it means a lot to have people stand by your side and help you through it.    

April 25th, 2014

This is yet another day I believed in.  Another day I had great hopes for.  Another day I thought my dream of having an alive rainbow baby was going to come true.  For me it is just another empty day.

For the last 28 weeks I have been knitting little baby hats like I did right before I loss Jason.  It has been a way for me to cope with this extreme grief I feel over loosing Jason.  Each hat is different and unique just like the last 40 weeks has been for me.  These past couple of weeks have been orange hats for Rae Anne.  First the orange of hope that she would be the promised blessing to help me through this empty day, but, then changed to orange and black for another precious baby loss and stolen to death.  My life and tears and grief story are all knit up in these little hats.

I wish with all my might that I could somehow magically go and plant all 40 of these hats in my back yard and then poof they would all change into my little baby Jason that I ache so much to hold in my empty arms today.

When I loss Jason and saw that his due date was right after Easter, my first thought was I am NOT celebrating Easter this year.  I can't do the Easter egg hunts and the dying Easter eggs and the family dinners and putting all the kid's Easter baskets on the table--I just can't place another angel Easter basket that is empty on the table--I just can't face all of that this year.

When I got another positive pregnancy test in March and I got thinking how nice it was going to be to have a little one inside me for Easter just like in 2011 when I was pregnant with Hope Abigail, then I wanted to do something for Easter.  I printed out these paper Easter egg holders and these cute little subway art quotes on Easter and was getting them ready when I ended up miscarrying Rae Anne.  Now I'm faced with putting 4 empty angel Easter baskets on the table and I just can't do it!

Easter is really not about the egg hunts and Easter eggs and Easter baskets, it is a time to rejoice that because of Christ death and resurrection I will be able to see my little angel babies again.  I do rejoice in that fact, but, Easter is also a reminder to me that there are 4 people missing from around our table and I have to wait for what seems like a very long time to see them again.  So, I'm still not up to fully celebrating Easter this year, especially because Easter will mark 4 weeks since I miscarried Rae Anne and it marks 5 days before what should have been Jason's due date.  I think I will keep it very low key--just have a nice dinner with just my family, and just put out the little Easter egg printable I had made while I was pregnant as a way to remember Rae Anne.