PinWheels From Heaven

Today I carefully and lovingly prepared and baked potatoes for a funeral luncheon.  Why is that such a big deal for me?  Because this is the first time since Janessa died that I have been able to help out with a funeral luncheon.   I wanted to go to the funeral, but, they held it at a funeral home at a cemetery, and my PTSD kicked in just thinking back to Janessa's funeral and the time we spent at a funeral home and I just couldn't go, so instead I showed my support by helping with the food for the luncheon.  My neighbor's son, Jared, passed away suddenly the day before Thanksgiving.  I have been so sad for their family.  When I heard the news it instantly sent me back to March 9th, 2010, walking into the hospital so naive and innocent not even aware of the shock and horror that awaited me.  Just like this sweet little family in my ward who had no idea that this week was going to be the last one they would get with their precious Jared.

Jared was born with down syndrome and he has been a true angel on this earth.  Jared is probably about my age, but, in our ward he is our forever 12 year old deacon.  For the past 13 years that we have lived here, I have watched Jared so faithfully serve the sacrament and collect fast offerings.  I have seen his smile and felt his love as he said hi and held doors open for people.  I felt his joy when he was able to give a talk in sacrament meeting with his older brother standing next to him.  This past year I have seen his happiness every week as we waited with our primary class for his deacon class to come out of the room they used before us.  When Janessa was diagnosed when I was 6 months pregnant with maybe having down syndrome I didn't panic or freak out because I thought of Jared and how sweet and kind he is and I was honored that maybe Janessa would be like that too and I would get the privilege of raising someone like Jared.  After she died and the diagnosis of down syndrome was confirmed, seeing Jared was like having a way of having my little Janessa back.  I feel sad for his mother who faced the task of planning a funeral over Thanksgiving and burying her precious child.  It doesn't matter how old your child is it will never be right or feel right for a child to die before their parents.  I feel sad for his whole family.  And I feel sad for me, because Jared was one of the few bright spots that I had at church.

A definite hole and emptiness has been torn in our ward that can never be filled.  Jared was one of the most Christ like people that I know and he will be dearly missed.   I dread church tomorrow knowing that I won't see his smiling face coming out of the classroom and looking over at the deacons knowing that he will never be there again.  I pray that God will bless his family with comfort and peace.  I wrote Jared's name on one of my Angel Children Hats to hang on my Christmas Angel Tree.

Thank you Jared for the kind and angelic example you set for all of us and for helping me have a small way to connect with my little Janessa.  May you find Heaven to be a beautiful place where you are surrounded by lots and lots of friends.

I wasn't planning on doing an I'm Thankful Thanksgiving post this year because I've been under so much stress these past couple of months and losing a 4th angel baby this year really has done me in this year.  A week ago I would have posted Thanksgiving sucks and I'm not thankful for anything, but, things have changed for just a moment.  The stress is all still there, my angel babies are still dead, and there is no rainbow baby that will ever grace my arms, but, I feel an inner peace and calm.  I've experienced this at different times during this grief journey these past 5 years and it is such a much needed break.  Yesterday I took a picture of my backyard at just the right moment where my whole yard was in shadow except for right over where my angel babies remembrance stones are.  That is how I feel right now, like I am in the eye of the storm--the storm is still out there and surrounding me, and sooner or later this feeling will end and I'll be thrust back into the thick of it, but, for now I get to enjoy some much needed peace.


I remember the first time I felt like this because it was 9 days before Janessa's 1st angel birthday.  It was like I was walking in this warm and comforting bubble knowing all the pain that was around me and all the memories of her dying but, I felt nothing but peace and joy.  It was the only way I survived that day.  It is weird to feel this now on the holidays, but, nice too.  We were able as a family to put our big Christmas Tree up and decorate it and I was finally able to participate.  I wanted to do it now before this feeling of peace ended and I turned back into "scrooge" again.

I was also able today to go to a movie theater to celebrate my husband and I's first date anniversary.  23 years ago it was Beauty and the Beast, today it was Big Hero 6.  Because of this calm and peace I feel, I did not get upset about being surrounded by babies and having to sit next to a 4 year old little girl.  I did panic at first when she sat down by me, but, then it was almost comforting, even though I got poked and jabbed and kicked by little feet and arms that had a hard time sitting still.  Her dad kept apologizing, but, for me it was no big deal--first because I have 6 living kids and I know what it is like to take them to the movie theater and next because it was like having Janessa there with me at the theater through this little girl.  I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, but that would have been weird.  I even cried during the Big Hero 6 movie as the main character tells Hero that what he needs to help him with the grief of his brother dying is friends who stick by him and help him and hug him and who are just there to provide comfort.  That is what I needed so badly back in 2010 and what I still long for but have learned to live without or have learned to cherish the few friends who do reach out.



Since Rae Anne's due date came and went a week ago, I have felt this extreme "Freeing" feeling.  Like tons of bricks have finally been taken from my shoulders.  For the first time in over a year there is no "I'm suppose to be this far pregnant".  It has been so hard since Jason's due date in April because I did not get a freeing moment because I had just miscarried Rae Anne a couple of weeks before so I had another "pregnancy" I was reliving.  I feel as though the grief from these last 2 miscarriages and their due dates and 1st angel birthdays have been like chains tying me to the ground making me unable to fly.  Now I feel that those chains have been released.  The grief isn't gone, and I still have one more 1st Angel birthday to get through in March of next year, but, instead of chains holding me back it has become the wind to help me fly and a burden on my back that is helping me to become a stronger person.  I feel like I did back in September when I flew in the airplane to Portland, Oregon and looked down and saw all the clouds out the window--Freedom to fly and start moving forward on the grief journey again.  I've had way too many detours that have stopped my progress these past 5 years.  Now I finally feel free to move forward, even if it is just a tiny little step.

So I guess today I am thankful for the peace and calm that is giving me a chance to catch my breath and the courage and strength to keep enduring and moving forward.

My husband and I went up to decorate Janessa's grave this afternoon. I thought I would have to trudge through all this snow to find her grave, but, it was all melted. The leaves had formed a really pretty Thanksgiving wreath around her heart headstone. I thought about just leaving them, but, underneath those leaves was the yucky sticky mud that was like cement last time we went out to her grave and because of the snow it wasn't hard this time so we used the leaves to wipe off her grave and clean it up. Never know quite what to think up at her grave at Thanksgiving because I'm really NOT thankful that I have to decorate her grave instead of her being here around the table for the Thanksgiving meal.

It is hard knowing that you would have been born this month.  It is hard going through the holidays without you.  Another empty chair at Thanksgiving.  Another empty Christmas Stocking.  Another memorial ornament to make and hang up on the Christmas tree.  I really don't have this in me to endure another 1st holiday with yet another angel baby.  I should be an expert and this should be a piece of cake because I've done it so many times before, but, each time it does NOT get any easier.  It hurts as much as the first Christmas I endured without Janessa.  Funny thing is I found a rose outside for you growing and blooming in November just like I did when I loss Janessa.  That has brought me a little comfort.

The other day I got really angry.  I was frustrated with all of the things going wrong in my life.  I'm so tired of going through trial after trial after trial.  I feel like it has been a constant stream for the past 5 years with barely any breaks to get a chance to catch my breathe.  I was angry with life, angry with Janessa for dying and leaving me and our family in such a mess and angry at God for not calming the storms.  I tore down everything in my room that had to do with my angel babies and encouraging quotes that I have had hanging on my walls.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I felt like the quotes were all lies--it never gets better--there is no hope, etc., etc.  And, it just hurts a lot right now to have any sort of reminder of my angel babies and all the grief and pain I have endured and keep enduring for these past 5 years.  I stuffed everything into a box hidden and out of my sight and now my walls are empty and blah just like my heart feels.  I thought I would like it like that, but, I don't.  I hate those empty walls as much as I hate seeing all those reminders.

We've had on our to do list all summer to paint our bedroom so I guess we are going to let my little anger storm be to our benefit of getting all the things off the walls so we can get them ready to paint.  It will still be another month before we can get to it and I just didn't think I could handle having empty blank walls for that long. So, today, I sorted through all the stuff and put just a few things back up.  All my angel pictures and most pictures of my angel baby names and most of my quotes stayed in the box--I still can't face them yet it is too painful.

During my anger storm I took my prayer flags that I had made for each of my angel babies and turned them facing the wall so I didn't have to look at them.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep them up or not, but, I would feel bad pretending that they never existed so all the prayer flags are now on my Angel Wall that was suppose to be where the baby bassinet was suppose to be, but, then became my angel name wall where I hung up pictures of Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne's names that had been written by other people. Now my hope chest is against this wall holding all of my angel babies little boxes and stuff animals.

The anger has fizzled, but, the sting and grief remain.  So I have my quote enduring wall, my reality angel baby prayer flag wall and my reality wall that encourages me to find Joy and has pictures of my living family. The nice thing is the few things I chose to remain on the walls are things that really mean a lot to me and give me courage to keep enduring.

I think I've had some "aha" moments this past week as I've been thinking about the holidays and why they are so hard on me and reflecting on Janessa's death.

First, I think part of the reason that November and December and the holidays are so hard, is that it is a trigger for me of being pregnant with Janessa.  On Nov. 20th, 2010, it was our first ultrasound with Janessa. I was about 20 weeks pregnant and I went in naively thinking that we were going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl and it was no big deal.  Except it was kind of a big deal because we didn't tell any of our kids except our oldest daughter about that appointment because I didn't want to deal with the stress of disappointment from my son who was hoping that this baby after 5 sisters would finally be the brother he wanted so badly.  I remember that ultrasound being so different from the other ultrasounds I had had with my other babies because it took a lot longer and Janessa wasn't cooperative at all until the very end when she finally opened her legs and we found out we were having our 6th girl.  When the ultrasound was over the technician looked worried and told us to go wait in the waiting room while she talked to our doctor.  That was unusual, but, I didn't think anything of it because I was still dealing with the disappointment that we were having yet another girl and wondering how I was going to tell my son.  When we talked to my doctor a few moments later he informed us that the ultrasound was showing calcium buildup in Janessa's liver that they were concerned about and wanted to have me go to some specialist to have another more detailed ultrasound.  So finding out Janessa was a girl ended up being the good news of that appointment.  We decided not to tell any of the rest of our kids about that appointment and that we would use the appointment a week and a half later as the "ultrasound" appointment.  That was my first taste of fear in pregnancy that things didn't always go as planned.



I was still pretty naive about it all because the day after Thanksgiving I went and bought her beautiful blessing dress thinking and dreaming about when she would be blessed in it.  I would never have imagined how much that dress would come to mean to me as it became my "comfort" blanket anytime I was feeling miserable or stressed throughout the remainder of my pregnancy with Janessa, as I would go and take it out of the closet where I had hidden it and just hold it and imagine what it would feel like to hold her and see her in that dress.  Never did I imagine that that beautiful dress would become her burial dress instead and that I would NEVER even get a chance to see her or hold her in it.

This is my 4th EDD that I have had to endure with an angel baby--it never gets any easier.  The longing to have this day be different is great.  I don't want to sit here with empty arms and a broken heart, I want to be holding my alive baby!!  I'm so tired of having my precious babies and all my hopes and dreams ripped away from me.