PinWheels From Heaven

Went up and decorated Janessa's grave today. I found this really cute panda bear knit hat that works as a sort of halloween costume for her grave.

I know it is a little early, but, I've put up my little Christmas Tree because last year this is when we put it up in support of the little 5 year old boy, Ethan, who lives in my city, as his family celebrated all the holidays and his birthday because he was given less than a week to live.  3 days after his early Christmas, he passed away and we are coming up on that 1 year mark.  I felt such happiness and peace last year supporting this family just by putting up a Christmas Tree  that I wanted to put it up early again in remembrance of him.

I also put it up early because for me I like and can handle Christmas now in Oct./Nov.  Once it hits the "real" Christmas season in Dec. I fall apart and can't deal with it because everything becomes a trigger for me.  So for me this is a way to still enjoy Christmas, just a little earlier than everybody else.

The last sunrise picture with the pinwheels that I took yesterday now has special meaning to me, because, it is now the last sunrise for my husband's Uncle Del.  We got the phone call we'd been dreading, but, also expecting that his Uncle, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live, had passed away last night.

We went to visit him a couple of weeks ago and he seemed in good spirits.  I wanted so badly to ask him to hug Janessa for me when he got to Heaven and tell her that I loved her and missed her, but, it just seemed kind of awkward to talk about then.  I'm pretty sure knowing Del that he knew what was in my heart and probably did it anyway.

I feel sadappy today.  I am happy for Uncle Del because he doesn't have to suffer anymore and because he was a child loss parent and has finally been reunited with his beloved son, Dannhy, that passed away so many years ago.  I'm sad because I feel bad for his wife and his other children and grandchildren, for my husband, and my father-in-law who have to say goodbye for now to a beloved, husband, father, grandpa, uncle and brother.

I found myself unable to sleep last night and weeping through the night for an Uncle I'm only related to through marriage.  Why am I taking his death so hard?  I think it is because this man has played a big part in my life.  When my husband and I first got married he gave my husband a job while he was looking for a job in area he had just graduated from college from.  That was a blessing, because it took 10 very long and hard months before that job appeared.  He got a health insurance policy with pregnancy benefits that we were able to get on which was a blessing because my first baby ended up being a c-section baby and the cost without insurance would have ruined us.

Years later this same Uncle called us in the hospital after Janessa died to comfort us because He knew from experience what it was like to bury a child.  We were so lost and confused trying to figure out where to bury Janessa and we didn't have anyone that would step in and help us or guide us until Uncle Del called and offered a cemetery plot next to my husbands' Grandparents graves.  Not only did he offer it, but, he made all the arrangements and paid for all the fees associated with it.  That was such a great relief to us.  The day of Janessa's graveside service a potted plant and a card with money arrived at our house signed by Uncle Del and his family.  At the cemetery another beautiful flower arrangement had been paid for by Uncle Del and delivered to decorate her grave.  And it was Uncle Del who spoke at Janessa's graveside service and helped give us words of comfort.  I can never repay Uncle Del for all he has done for us.  I hope Janessa thanks him in Heaven for helping us.  It was such a blessing to have someone like him to turn to who truly understood what we were going through when Janessa died--people like that were far and few between.

Goodbye for now Uncle Del--I will cherish your last sunrise forever <3

The PinWheels are all snuggled up together ready to be taken inside for the Winter.  They won't be brought outside again until 2016 on Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday.

One last sunrise with the pinwheels outside.  Today they will all be brought inside for the winter.

I need to update on my previous post because I had something happened that helped me feel better.

It just really hurt today to see those 5 year old kids.  I could feel a panic attack coming on and I just wanted to go somewhere and throw things and scream and cry at the top of my lungs about how unfair life is.  God had another plan for me today--just as all that panic started to hit, I received a text from one of my neighbors frantically trying to find someone who could pick up her kids from a charter school about 15 min. away from where we live.  It probably wasn't the first thing I wanted to do especially because part of the reason I chose to home school my kids was that I hate the end of school line of ornery parents trying to pick up their kids, but, I agreed to do it anyway.  It was such a great experience--this charter school had the pick up of kids so organized--I was impressed and it was fun to pretend to be my neighbors kids Mom and ask them how their day went.

I still feel sad about the trigger event, but, I don't feel the panic that I felt earlier, in fact I felt a calm and a peace after I had dropped the kids at their house.  I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to serve someone else today because it helped me too.  It was a good reminder of why I started PinWheels From Heaven in the first place because serving and helping others helps bring me some of the peace and calm I so desperately seek.

Some days it doesn't bother me at all to see 5 year olds and other days it hurts so bad it's like I've been stabbed with a knife.  Today was one of those bad days.  As I was coming home after running errands there was all these parents walking their 5 year olds down to the elementary school for afternoon kindergarten.  I guess I forget that not every 5 year old died in 2010, but, there were probably 159 other women in this area who went into the hospital in 2010 and came out with a living baby who has grown and now goes to Kindergarten, I'm that unlucky "1" in the 160 who had a still born baby.  I'm that unlucky one who came home from the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.  I'm that 1 in 160 who did NOT get to see their baby learn to roll, sit up, crawl, walk, talk, play, run, and grow.  I'm that 1 in 160 who did NOT get to experience the terrible twos or potty training.  I'm that 1 in 160 who did NOT get to watch their child's excitement at holidays and birthdays and watching them learn their abc's and 123's and how to write their name, and now I am that 1 in 160 who does NOT get to see their child in Kindergarten.  So what does the 1 in 160 get to do instead?  Every month for the past 5 1/2 years I have gotten to visit a cemetery plot and decorated a little grave and wept for the experiences we are NOT having together.

We had a bunch of new families move into this area and they all seem to have 5 year olds the same age as Janessa.  It hurts so much to see that.  I wish I wasn't so sensitive to all of this.  It seems I do okay for a while with being okay and accepting of Janessa's death, and then seeing those little 5 year olds just rips the scab right off my heart and opens the wound as I long to have Janessa back--it's just not fair, she should be here--she should not be dead.  Reality is a very harsh thing to deal with at times.

It is amazing to me at how seeing such little things sets off such an array of emotions in me.  I wish I was NOT that 1 in 160!  I wish I was NOT that 1 in 4!  I wish it wasn't so hard to be that 1 in 160 and that 1 in 4!!!