PinWheels From Heaven

Went on our first "Day-cation" for 2016 to Utah's version of an ocean beach at the Great Salt Lake. Braved the cold and the stink, but, at least at 30 degrees there wasn't any bugs! Finally got to write Janessa's name myself on a beach.  That was on my bucket list <3






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I love this picture and quote from Carly Marie--She nails it on the head!

"There is no need to try and find the words to fix grief. The death of a baby or child cannot be made better. So instead of trying to fix your loved one, try just being with them. Let go of the urge to find the words. Hold their hand. Give them a hug and just BE present with them, even if it feels awkward. "  Carly Marie




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Just finished up our group study activities that we do for Martin Luther King day as we take a break from our "normal" school work to study good people in history and in today's world that have made a difference in promoting kindness. Was happy that some of my older kids who had the day off from their online charter school chose to participate too. It is days like this that remind me why I started homeschooling and the joy and fun it has been--not every day because we have had our struggles and some days it really sucks, but most of the time it is good.  

I guess I didn't realize it, but, I've been homeschooling for 10 years this year--can't believe it!! My homeschool has changed a lot in those 10 years. I went from the craziness of my 1st year of trying to homeschool 4 kids, plus taking care of a toddler and newborn baby to this year where my older 3 kids left in school do an online charter school and I'm only homeschooling my youngest who was the newborn baby when I first started all of this.  

I look back at all the notes I had from those first few years and I don't know how I survived or how I stayed on top of all of it. I know I wondered a lot back then if I had done the right thing pulling them out to home school.  

It wasn't that I hated our public school or the teachers--I really did like the teachers at our school--I volunteered in a lot of their classrooms when my older kids went to school there. I just saw how overwhelmed they were with so many kids in their classrooms and how kids got left behind or lost in the crowd and one of them was my kid. Kids all learn so differently and there really was room or time or money in a public school setting for kids to truly be taught in their own learning style and I felt like I could better do that at home.  

I also hated the person I was back then. I hated being a Mom. I was overwhelmed with all the kids I had and didn't feel like I got anything accomplished but running around in circles. My kids never really saw me except when I was yelling at them in the morning to get up and hurry so we could get to school on time, and then in the afternoon when I was yelling at them again to get their homework done and get into bed. I didn't even know who my kids were any more--the school saw more of them than me. Even when they were home on breaks, I hated it because they would just fight and drive me crazy. I prayed and prayed to know what to do. I was surprised when my answer was to homeschool--that seemed the opposite of what I needed--more time with my kids???? It was the best decision I ever made!!! My kids got to see me at times other than as a screaming, yelling maniac who always seemed stressed out and I got to see them at times other than fighting and being disobedient. My kids learned to cooperate with each other and become best friends and I have loved watching them learn and grow.  
Happy 10 years homeschooling to us <3 :)

As I search on for my own personal rainbow healing in 2016 in other ways than a rainbow baby, I have discovered a very personal, yet public event that is occurring during the next few weeks leading up to Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday.

It is the temple open house for the Provo City Center Utah Temple. This building use to be a tabernacle that was used for public events for over 100 years, then, on Dec. 17th, 2010, it literally burned to the ground.  The only things left standing were the outside walls.  I have no memories of the tabernacle, I've never been in it, never really even saw it, so why do I feel such a connection to this building?  It is because it became ashes in 2010, 8 months after my life became became ashes too.  When I see these pictures they literally represent what happened to me on March 9th, 2010, when Janessa died inside me and my world as I knew it crumbled.  All that was left of the tabernacle was the outside walls and that is how I felt the first 4 years after I loss Janessa, and then Hope, and then Jason, and finally, Rae Anne.  Each time I crumbled inside and felt like just a shell of a person trying to move and function in life with nothing inside me but emptiness.



My church decided instead of rebuilding the tabernacle to be the same as before, they were going to rebuild it into something better and for it to serve an even better purpose, that, of a Temple.  They took some of the designs from the past, but, added new things for its new purpose.  That is so symbolic to me.  It gives me hope that the shell and ashes of my life are for a new purpose, and that God is shaping me into something better too.  I see some of the good things from my past being added to the new things grief has taught me and shaped in me being combined to form a new Shauna, a better Shauna, a more compassionate Shauna.  A Shauna who knows it is okay to grieve, but, can still find moments of joy and hope.  A Shauna who can Cherish the memories of yesterday, Hope and dream of tomorrow, but, is content to Live Today to its fullest.

The Open House starts this Friday, but, I don't actually have tickets to go see it until later in Feb.  This temple has given me something to look forward to as the hard weeks leading up to Janessa's angel birthday approach.  I don't think it is any "good fortune" or "luck" that this temple's open house is right now and that it will be dedicated in March the hardest month of the year for me.  For me this is a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father who knows how hard losing my babies has been for me and how torn up and hurt I am and how sometimes just getting through the day is a major feat for me.  This is His way of providing me some much needed rainbow healing, comfort, and encouragement to hang in there and have hope and trust in Him that He can turn my life into something more beautiful and more grand than just the ashes of grief.



These are some articles from the local paper that have pictures and video of the inside and outside of this beautiful temple.

Provo City Center Temple Pictures

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Article on the Provo City Center Temple

The 5th Angel B-day seems to be a really hard one to get through for most people.  Last year I hit it with Janessa, this year I hit it with Hope Abigail--not looking forward to that at all.  I noticed there are a lot of angel babies this month having 5th angel b-days so these pictures are ((Hugs)) for their parents to help them cope and get through the day.

I always have a really hard time at the beginning of the new year, especially with church.  The first Sunday of the month our church time changes and classes all change.  One of my ptsd triggers is sudden unexpected changes because that is what Janessa's death was to me, a sudden, unexpected change and all of my miscarriages ended up being sudden, unexpected changes so when I get thrown into unexpected changes all my trigger alarms go off and anxiety hits full force.  I've tried to prepare myself this last week in order to get ready for these changes, but, I'm never ready for it.  Especially this year because we haven't even got our new class lists or manuals yet for tomorrow and that is stressing me out big time.  All these unknowns!!!  Worry for my youngest living daughter because she will be moving up into a different primary class.  The stabbing pain and hurt walking past the rooms with their class lists posted seeing Janessa's primary class and knowing that her name will NOT be on that list. Worry about room changes for us and a new group of kids and not knowing what their learning styles are and how to best teach them.  Worry about another baby blessing that probably will be happening tomorrow.  6 years out, and I still can't stand to sit through baby blessings--it hurts too much.  I don't think those will ever get any easier for me.  My ptsd is working overtime because I'm already panicking and having anxiety about things that won't happen until tomorrow.  I don't know how I'm going to survive tomorrow.