PinWheels From Heaven

Wearing the yellow socks for the past 2 days has been interesting.  At times I look down and seeing that bright yellow with white hearts makes me smile and feel happy, and at other times it feels like a 100 lb weight that I am dragging around reminding me that we are getting closer and closer to Hope's 5th angel b-day.

I'm wearing my yellow bracelets and Hope necklace also.  Every day I go to pick a necklace out and I just keep wishing that I had ordered a customized necklace for Hope with just her name and angel date on it, but, the person I got my other ones from has closed her shop for a while as she recovers from surgery so ordering one for Hope isn't going to happen any time soon.  I'm also wearing a blue bracelet in memory of my friend's angel baby <3 River Daniel <3 who is celebrating his 7th angel b-day this Saturday.

Today I begin my remembrance of the 10 weeks that I carried Hope Abigail.  I've painted my toe nails yellow, I have a yellow bracelet and I have a couple of necklaces that say Hope.  I feel a little bad because all of my other angel babies I have a necklace that just has their name on it and their angel date.  I don't have one like that for Hope--every necklace that I got is with Janessa's name on it too.  I guess back then I wasn't really sure how to react to a miscarried baby and if people would think I was weird wearing a necklace for a baby that I only carried for 10 weeks.  Since then I live by the Horton Hears a Who quote "A PERSONS A PERSON NO MATTER HOW SMALL!"  Maybe I will buy Hope her own personalized necklace for her 5th angel birthday.

The past couple of years I have tried to wear yellow shirts for the 10 days before her angel b-day. That has been really tough on me because yellow is such a bright, happy color and I really don't feel that these 10 days before her angel b-day.  I knew this year where the days are on the exact days of the week as 2011 that it was going to be even tougher to get through these days so I decided to bag the yellow shirt idea and do yellow heart socks and yellow fingernail polish instead.

I invite anyone who would like to remember Hope's little life to wear something yellow anytime between now and May 7th.

I am grateful for those 10 precious weeks that Hope Abigail and I shared together <3

Words can't describe how I feel today.  Another empty due date.  Another trigger memory for me to endure alone.  Oh how I wish this date were different.  Of my 3 miscarried babies I probably feel the most connected to Jason because I got to see him and see his tiny heart beating on an ultrasound screen.  He was the baby I thought for sure would be my take home alive rainbow baby.  His pregnancy was a complete surprise and miracle for me--I just wish it had not ended after 12 short weeks.

My precious Jason I wish you were here today celebrating your real 2nd Birthday.  You would be at such a fun age playing with trucks and cars.  I'm sure I would have made you a construction cake complete with oreo dirt like I did for your brother.  My heart just hurts seeing this date on the calendar now.  I hold your little figurine and your empty shoes and just weep for what should have been.

Just got back from our Daycation to the Thanksgiving Point Tulip Festival--it was gorgeous!!! Glad we went in the morning because the temperature was perfect and there wasn't very many people. By the time we left close to Noon it was getting very windy and hot and the crowds had increased dramatically. One of the highlights was getting to see a little section decorated with umbrellas, and getting to see a Mommy Owl and her 2 baby owlets--so cute--definitely a Hug from Heaven from <3 Rae Anne.

Loved being able to take pictures with my angel bears especially for Jason's EDD on Monday and Hope's 5th angel Birthday coming up in 2 weeks.