PinWheels From Heaven

Been kind of a crazy day for me. I woke up to a freezing house because our stupid furnace wasn't working. I had to change up my schedule for the day and go over to my Mom's earlier than I had planned so I could help her with bills and things that we were going to do in the afternoon but now I couldn't help because I had to be back here for the furnace repair people to come. UPDATE: Furnace repair was just a little sensor that wasn't working and was still under warranty so an easy fix for the repair guy that cost us nothing--thank goodness!!

We did manage to get everything done and were just an hour later than normal getting up to the rehab to help my Dad. They worked on helping my Dad learn how to roll over on his side and then his stomach today and he did NOT like that at all and was crying out in frustration and pain. That was really hard for me to watch and not start bawling myself but try to be encouraging and smiling instead. They ended up doing physical therapy right after occupational therapy and my Dad was just too exhausted to even stand up so that was really frustrating for him. I was kind of mad because the stupid medicare/aarp insurance people came right during his physical therapy and had to talk to my mom right then so she had to leave and I couldn't split myself into 2 people for half of me to go help her understand what they were saying and also help my Dad with physical therapy so that ended up being really frustrating.

Then the physical therapist who likes to tell my Dad jokes and tease him started to try and tease me because I was wearing my butterfly bracelet and my butterfly necklace which is the picture of Janessa's feet. He started telling my Dad I know your daughter is addicted to and loves butterflies because she is wearing so many of them. I kind of just sat there silent trying to decide if I should explain how the butterflies represented my dead daughter who I was trying to remember or if I should just remain quiet and let him just believe I was some sort of butterfly freak-a-holic. I chose to just let him believe I am a butterfly freak. Not sure that was the best of choices because then I got teased more and it was all a big reminder that the only reason I am wearing this butterfly jewelry is because in 9 days it is the birthday of my dead baby who will not be here to celebrate her 7th birthday, but, I will be going out to that dang cemetery for the 7th year to decorate her grave instead. :`( I was getting really pissed off so I knew it was time to leave the rehab and come home and cool off.

Got home and my new remembrance stone for Janessa was on my front porch. I completely lost it and started sobbing when I opened up the box and the remembrance stone was inside a box with the words Treasure on it--to prize as highly valuable and meaningful. The new remembrance stone is so beautiful. Wish I didn't have to replace her original one because it had butterflies that lit up on it, but, the light stopped working and her name has been completely erased off of it and it was really bothering me so that is why I replaced it. Just feel so emotional right now thinking about March starting up tomorrow. Normally I kind of take a break from life and go hide in my grief cave for the next 9 days in order to cope and survive but this year there is so much going on I can't even go into hiding. I'm going to have to flip into zombie mode, hope I don't become a total crying mess trying to help everyone, and hope that I will get a little bit of time to remember and grieve Janessa or I'm going to totally loose it

Today I feel a mix of different emotions.  I feel grateful that my older sister has been here helping this past week so that my younger sister and I could get a little bit of a break.  I feel really sad that she is going home today and all that weight is back on me and my younger sister's shoulders again.  I feel apprehensive and a little down because March begins this week and Janessa's angel b-day is right around the corner.  It does feel a little different this year though, because of all the stress I feel about my  Dad it's like all the issues I'm dealing with my own kids and even the grief over Janessa has just taken backseat because I just can't deal with all of it all at once.  So in a way it is good because I don't have all the overwhelming feelings drowning me right now.

This week is also a trigger week for me as 7 years ago in 2011 when I was approaching Janessa's 1st angel b-day and I essentially had stopped functioning and couldn't deal with life at all I received a terrible email from someone who was a good friend who I trusted and admired who literally ripped whatever was left of my self esteem to pieces.  I was in a deep, dark, hole of grief and depression and I was desperately reaching up for help and this person essentially looked at me in the hole, spit on me--dumped more mud on me, and walked on. I have been working really hard on being understanding (maybe in their own twisted way they thought they were helping) and forgiving but this time every year I still feel the bitter sting from those hurtful words that still haunt me.

Now, Satan would have me relive those words over and over and feel the hate and bitterness, but, I try really hard to choose not to focus on that--I try to accept it happened and then focus instead on a tender mercy that God sent the day after that changed everything.  God inspired another friend to send me a card and in that card inspired her to write about all my strengths and it countered everything that other email had ripped me apart for.  This friend saw me in my deep dark hole and not only threw down a ladder, but, climbed down there with me and helped me step by step up to the light again.  It was because of her words that the 9 days to Janessa's 1st angel birthday were dramatically changed.  I cringe to think what those days would have been like without her words and support.  For those 9 days I felt enveloped in love and peace and the arms of my Heavenly Father.  It is very hard to describe but I remember it very clearly.  I long to feel that same peace every year.

This year as I looked at the calendar and how March 1st is coming up this week, it just hit me that because Janessa was born on the 9th it gives me a chance to remember daily March 1st-9th every month of her short life for the 9 months she was with me.  For that I want to rejoice and celebrate!  I still miss her more than anything.  I still agonize in grief and sadness over the memories of her death and there will still be days when I will have to hide and cry.  I wish she was alive and here with us and I will still have moments of sadness as I think about what should be. But, this year for part of those 9 days I want to remember and honor and rejoice in the 9 months that she was alive too.

This year in June it is my husband and I's 25th Anniversary.  We don't have a lot of extra money to take that dream vacation or cruise so we decided to just do a simple family vacation and then celebrate each month around the 19th doing something fun.

We haven't done so great on these monthly anniversary dates.  We started in December which was the 6 months to our 25th Anniversary and we got tickets to go see some Christmas Lights--unfortunately we ended up in a huge family fight right before we were to go so everyone was upset and ornery and I cried through the whole thing--happy 6 months to our anniversary???????

We were determined to do better in January and planned for just my husband and I to go see the movie Hidden Figures together.  The day before our big date night my Dad had a major stroke and we ended up spending our 5 months to our anniversary having a sleepover in ICU with my Dad--hmm, maybe these monthly celebrating our anniversary dates was a bad idea????!!!

For February we had planned to go out to dinner together but our lives got crazy and time constraints just didn't make that possible so we decided to do an at home painting date night instead.   We each painted separate pictures that when you put them together form one connected picture.  I'd seen others do things like this and it sounded like fun.  What they don't tell you is the importance of not judging your side of the picture with your spouses side.  Obviously my husband got all the artistic ability while I never advanced much from the Kindergarten art classes.  It was really hard to not feel intimidated by how awesome my husbands picture was turning out and how simplistic my side was. Once I convinced myself that it didn't matter and that it was important that both of our paintings looked and felt different because that is who we are--we both have different skills and abilities and talents and likes and dislikes and that is okay, then I was able to relax and have more fun.  In marriage we come together and share those differences and that is what makes us complete.  I love how our combined different paintings look side by side, I feel like it captured the 25 years of our marriage and tells that story perfectly.

Here's to hoping that the next 3 monthly anniversary dates go smoothly. 😀💕😎

My life has been a whirlwind since January 18th when my Dad had a stroke and was admitted into ICU at the hospital.  I've spent countless days and nights sleeping at the hospital and then helping my Mom get back and forth to the rehab center that we put him in.  Some days I don't even know or realize that time is passing and the calendar days are flipping forward and that it is getting closer and closer to Janessa's angel b-day.  In a way this is good because it distracts me from some of the grief triggers that happen this month.  But, some days I feel really overwhelmed trying to deal with the stress of my Dad's situation, the stress that some of my kids are going through, and then my grief over loosing Janessa.  Some days all I can do is stare at the walls and feel nothing or lay on my bed and stare out at my tree and just cry for all the heartache I feel from all of these overwhelming situations.

A couple of days ago my youngest living daughter wanted to draw outside with chalk on the driveway so I decided to go out with her.  As I drew pictures of my Angel Babies, I realized that my perspective of them is beginning to shift and change and for moments at a time I can view them happy in Heaven and I can feel happiness and joy for them.  As I drew a rainbow over my angel babies it felt right, it felt good, it felt peaceful, and I could feel all my angel babies near me whispering that even though I am not getting the wanted rainbow baby healing after the storm, that they would help me find rainbow healing in other small ways throughout my life and I felt at peace with that.

Janessa, I love you and I miss you with all my heart and I always will.  Thank you for helping me to feel your presence in this crazy stressful time right now and for helping me through each day.

Happy 1 Month to your 7th Angel Birthday <3

Love, Mommy

Today I begin my 36 days to Janessa's 7th Angel B-day count down.  

I begin today to remember the 36 precious weeks that we shared together by wearing my angel necklace and my butterfly bracelet which has 7 beautiful butterflies on it to represent the 7 long years we have been apart. :`(