PinWheels From Heaven

Yesterday was kind of a hard trigger day seeing our primary program.  It was my youngest daughters last primary program which was thrilling for her but kind of sad for me because it shouldn't be the last primary program that we have a kid in.  It was also very hard because my parents have always come to these programs and because of the stroke my mom and dad had to miss their youngest grandchild's last primary program.  So I was missing my Mom and Dad too, although, I am very grateful that Rolands parents were able to come and that they are still in good health and are trying to be both sets of grandparents and try to fill in for my parents who are unable to.

This is the first time in 6 years that I have watched from the audience instead of being involved with it on the stand as a teacher.  I think I liked being a teacher instead--I didn't have to see all the primary kids and know that my Janessa was missing.  I was too focused on keeping my primary kids reverent to worry about it and I had heard the program so many times as we practiced that I was just numb to it and even though it stung to hear Janessa's primary class give their parts in the past I did okay because I wasn't having to see their faces as they gave their parts and see their parents smiling faces as they heard their kids parts like I had to endure today.  I got a double whammy today because apparently a family with a little girl Janessa's age moved in that I didn't know about until her class stood to give their parts.  Her class has been all boys for the past 5 years and that has actually been a big relief to me so seeing this little girl standing up and giving a part among all those little boys was too much for me and I ended up bawling through the rest of the program.  Life feels very unfair on days like today.

I did get a little hug from Heaven in that one of my friends who was sitting in the back asked me later who the little girl was that was sitting with us on our bench.  There wasn't a little girl physically sitting with us but maybe Janessa knew this would be a hard day for me and she came to the primary program to help comfort me.

Went to visit Janessa today--it was such a perfect fall day.  It was very calming to just sit at her grave and feel the warm sun and watch the leaves falling from the trees.  I lucked out that I had 3 yellowish pink roses left in my yard that I was able to share with Janessa.  In the fall/winter months I like to take a knit hat up to place over her head stone as a way to "mother" Janessa in giving her a sort of blanket for the winter.  In October I have had fun finding little hats that look like a costume so it's my sort of weird way of dressing her up in a costume.  This year she is a kitty.  As a baby loss mommy you get cheated of so many things that you have to find a way to sort of make up for it so you can cope even though it may look and sound weird to normal people.  I feel like I walk a fine line of pretending to be "normal" so others don't judge and then needing to throw it all to the wind and just do my weird things so that I can grieve, parent, and love my baby.

I miss you a lot today Janessa!  I wish you were here!  :`(