Merry Christmas
in Heaven
<3 Janessa <3
<3 Hope Abigail <3
<3 Jason <3
<3 Rae Anne <3
I Miss You!
I Love You!
I Remember You!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
in Heaven
<3 Dad <3
I Miss You!
I Love You!
Wish you were here all healed instead.
Saturday, December 22, 2018
2 Graves for Christmas
It's always been hard for me to decorate Janessa's grave at Christmas, but, this year it was even harder because we stopped and decorated my Dads grave beforehand. I'm so grateful Roland and my kids came with me because I don't think I would have been able to handle it by myself. I was so happy to see that Janessa's grave still had all of her Thanksgiving decorations on it because I was feeling sad that it had taken me this long to go out to the cemetery. I was especially grateful after I realized that I had forgotten a pinwheel and a solar light so I just reused her thanksgiving ones. It was really neat to see that all the snow had melted away except in a spot all around her grave because it is in the shadow of a huge tree.
I really don't like decorating Janessa's grave as a parent and now I really don't like being the daughter and decorating my Dad's grave for Christmas either. I'm so glad that we got one last Christmas with my Dad last year and that I have forever recorded him saying Merry Christmas. It brings me comfort to hear his voice.
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
The Pink Kitty Christmas Miracle
I have had the most incredible experience this week. God allowed me the privilege to be his hands in working a Christmas miracle for a family who lost everything in the Paradise California fire.
I was just randomly reading articles online when I clicked on a story about a little 6 year old who read about a little boy who had lost all his hot wheels cars in the fire and he told his Mom he wanted to donate some of his hot wheel cars to that little boy. They had a link in the article to the Paradise Fire Adopt a Family group https://www.facebook.com/groups/paradisefireadoptafamily that I clicked on and was scrolling through some of the posts when I happened upon a picture of a pink kitty with the words "I need a Christmas Miracle" She had been searching and searching for a copy of her daughter's favorite pink kitty stuff animal that got burned up in the fire. For 3 days hundreds of people have been scouring the internet searching for this pink kitty because it was the only thing her daughter wanted for Christmas this year.
I instantly recognized the kitty as ones I had bought a few years ago for Janessa's 6th Angel Birthday. It sat at her grave for her 6th angel b-day and her 1/2 b-day. It brought me peace and comfort and joy as I remembered her. I found the 2 kittys in my box of remembrance stuff animals and the one was the exact duplicate of the lost pink kitty. I tried to comment then realized you had to join the group to comment. I felt an urgency to get a hold of this desperate mother. I prayed the group would allow me in quickly. Within 5 min. I was allowed in and I posted pictures and a message and then tried to message her. Within a couple of hours the Mom contacted me in tears because it was the exact kitty she was looking for. She wanted to pay me for them, I replied no and explained about Janessa and that I wanted them to be a gift to her in remembrance of Janessa. I quickly boxed them up and now both kittys are on their way to their new home, where I hope they will bring peace, comfort, and joy to a precious little 5 year old girl who is going through a very hard time right now.
Words can not even describe the feelings I have right now. I am in awe that God prepared these kitties years ago when I bought them and that I hung onto them because He knew they would be needed now. I feel so much joy and happiness I could burst in being able to remember and honor Janessa and also my Dad in this way. This was exactly the miraculous experience I needed in my life right now to help me with holiday blues I have been feeling. I felt a hug from Heaven from my Dad and my Angel Babies.
BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER!!!!! 
Saturday, December 1, 2018
December Angel Birthdays
Happy Angel Birthday
to All Angel Children celebrating
birthdays in the month of December!
YOU ARE LOVED!
YOU ARE MISSED!
YOU ARE REMEMBERED!
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Thanksgiving Blues
Thanksgiving is NOT the way it should be this year. My wish of what life should look like this year: My Dad should be here healed of all the effects of his stroke. He should be here able to walk and talk and eat and take care of himself and Mom. We should be rejoicing over how different this year is compared to last year and be so grateful for Dad's return to health. We should be planning on going over to their house for Thanksgiving this year because it is our turn. I should still be able to hug and talk with my Dad and get his advice and Father's Blessings.
Instead, I went to decorate his grave alone. My Mom is staying with my sister for the holidays because she doesn't like the emptiness of the house on the holidays. I deal with my emotions alone because most people don't understand what it feels like to have your Dad and your Babies dead and you have to visit them at cemeteries. The people I thought I could count on to understand are all pretending that everything is great and that we should never grieve or be sad or cry because that is wrong so they pretend everything is happy even when I know they are being ripped apart inside too. I wanted so much to have people to share this grief with, but, I am alone as usual.
Instead of being so grateful that my Dad has fully recovered--I am trying to make sense out of his death and trying to find things to feel grateful for because of that--maybe that my Dad doesn't have to suffer anymore in his body that wasn't functioning and that my life is not controlled by a schedule and others lives anymore so I have been able to reduce that stress and take steps to getting my health back???? Instead of gathering around their Thanksgiving Table with my parents, I check on their empty house and make videos because we are going to be selling the house next year and I want videos of my past. I will endure another holiday with the inlaws at my house while everyone sits around all happy about everything eating all their carb filled foods and pie while I feel terrible and grief ridden and angry that I can't even eat normal tomorrow either. It is going to be a very hard day to endure.
Went to visit Janessa today. It always makes me teary eyed leaving her out there at the cemetery instead of back home with all of us on the holidays. :`(
Life is NOT the way I wanted it to be--God's plan always seems to be different than mine and I struggle to trust and believe that everything will be okay in the end. God help my unbelief this year.
Instead, I went to decorate his grave alone. My Mom is staying with my sister for the holidays because she doesn't like the emptiness of the house on the holidays. I deal with my emotions alone because most people don't understand what it feels like to have your Dad and your Babies dead and you have to visit them at cemeteries. The people I thought I could count on to understand are all pretending that everything is great and that we should never grieve or be sad or cry because that is wrong so they pretend everything is happy even when I know they are being ripped apart inside too. I wanted so much to have people to share this grief with, but, I am alone as usual.
Instead of being so grateful that my Dad has fully recovered--I am trying to make sense out of his death and trying to find things to feel grateful for because of that--maybe that my Dad doesn't have to suffer anymore in his body that wasn't functioning and that my life is not controlled by a schedule and others lives anymore so I have been able to reduce that stress and take steps to getting my health back???? Instead of gathering around their Thanksgiving Table with my parents, I check on their empty house and make videos because we are going to be selling the house next year and I want videos of my past. I will endure another holiday with the inlaws at my house while everyone sits around all happy about everything eating all their carb filled foods and pie while I feel terrible and grief ridden and angry that I can't even eat normal tomorrow either. It is going to be a very hard day to endure.
Went to visit Janessa today. It always makes me teary eyed leaving her out there at the cemetery instead of back home with all of us on the holidays. :`(
Life is NOT the way I wanted it to be--God's plan always seems to be different than mine and I struggle to trust and believe that everything will be okay in the end. God help my unbelief this year.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Today it is my little Rae Anne's EDD. I've felt a little lost and empty for part of the day. I did my annual event of putting all the little angel hats onto the Christmas Angel Tree but it was quite the adventure because it rained and hailed on me.
I still don't have my remembrance garden put back together yet so I made a makeshift remembrance garden around the angel tree. I even added a pinwheel for my Dad--this is his first Thanksgiving and Christmas in Heaven. It made me happy and sad to see his pinwheel. I love how it all turned out.
Love you <3 Rae Anne <3 Wish this was your real 4th b-day. You are "OWL" ways in my Heart.
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