PinWheels From Heaven: September 2018

Welcome To PinWheels From Heaven

WELCOME TO PINWHEELS FROM HEAVEN. If you would like to have your "Angel" baby's or "Angel" child's name added to my Angel Tree list and Birthday list to be remembered at my annual events please click on the Angel Tree List button found at the top of this page to take you to that page with all the details. These events are for Angel Children only--PLEASE NO fake baby loss mommys.

NOTE: Pinwheel Wait List is currently CLOSED

Be sure to scroll to the end of this page to find links to other Baby Loss Mommies who write Angel Babies Names.

ANNUAL EVENTS FOR PINWHEELS FROM HEAVEN:

(1) Once your angel baby/child is on my Angel Birthday List
they will be remembered in their birthday month in a special Angel Birthday blog post and picture. They will also be remembered on their special angel b-day on my PinWheels From Heaven Face book page.

(2) Oct. 15th--Wave of Light: Each year on this date I will be creating a PinWheel Healing Field in my front yard using all the angel baby/child's pinwheels and light candles by the pinwheels in remembrance of all of our angels.

(3) Christmas Angel Tree--For the month of December I will be hanging ornaments with all of your angel baby/children's names written on them on my outside angel tree. On Christmas Eve I will light candles around the Angel Tree in remembrance of all of our angels.

(4) Easter Angel Tree--For Easter I will be hanging plastic Easter eggs with all of the angel baby/children's names written on them on my outside angel tree. I will light candles around the tree on Easter in remembrance of all of our angels.

Pictures of events 1,2,3,4 will be posted here on this blog and on my face book page.

At PinWheels From Heaven Angel Babies and Angel Children are ALWAYS LOVED, MISSED AND REMEMBERED <3

A Precious Gift--Never Forget Janessa & Hope Abigail

The mention of my daughter's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really want to show me that you care, let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died.

What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Weeping for the Past

On my kindle it pops up pictures every day of things that happened on this day in the past.  Todays pictures caused me to weep.  

5 years ago today I was 9 weeks pregnant with my angel baby Jason.  I went in for my first obgyn appointment and first ultrasound since seeing Janessa's ultrasound of no heartbeat.  To say I was terrified was putting it mildly.  My obgyn was the same dr who had stood by me with Janessa's death and my 1st miscarriage--he knew how important this was to me and I'm sure he was praying along with me as I quietly said aloud "Please God let there be a heartbeat"  The healing I received when my doctor found that heartbeat was indescribable as I burst out in tears of relief, joy, and sorrow.  I felt Janessa in that ultrasound room.  My doctor said the baby looked good and the heartbeat was strong.  I wish I could have heard it and recorded it both visually and audibly  It was the best day ever.

Unfortunately, 3 weeks later I miscarried--it was devastating after feeling so much hope that this baby was going to be my take home rainbow baby.  

Even after 5 years I still don't think I've processed all my emotion or even allowed myself to feel everything because it just hurts too much.  And that is why seeing these photos pop up and remembering this day 5 years ago caused the tears to flow once again.

I miss you Jason.  I wish things had gone differently and that you were my rambunctious second son running around playing with trucks and cars and legos.  I'm grateful for the small healing and small moment of joy this day brought me 5 years ago, but, I wish it didn't leave me feeling so empty and hurt that hope once again slipped through my fingers.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Happy 1/2 Birthday Janessa

Happy 1/2 Birthday

<3 JANESSA <3

Love and Miss You!

Love, Mommy

We decorated your grave last Sunday and all I can do is just hope that the decorations are still there on your grave and haven't been cleaned up yet. It still amazes me how fast 6 months passes. I guess that is good in that I am 6 months closer to seeing you again, but, it is also bad because I will have to face yet another angel b-day in 6 short months.

I wish every 6 months Heaven had visiting hours so that either I could visit you or you could visit me. It's so unfair that there is no communication whatsoever. It would be nice to get the same benefits as Mothers of missionarys get in that they get a weekly email/ltr and a couple of times a year they get a skype call so that they actually get to see their missionary. I wanted to wear pink today in memory of you, but, I feel so sad and depressed that I will probably wear black instead.

We changed how the play center looks yesterday. We took away the monkey bars and terrible swings and just kept the club house and slide and just slid it further back so it is right by the trees now. It truly feels like a tree house now. Maybe you can come play in it too. I feel so sad that you are not here to play with your older sister. You guys would be so cute together and be the best of friends. She still loves to play make believe and with toys. She feels like she doesn't have a buddy in our family. She was cheated of her sister relationship with you and that can never be restored. That makes me angry and very sad. Life feels broken and unfair and very empty without you here.

Monday, September 3, 2018

Annual Crazy Sock Family Picture

We are a week earlier doing our annual crazy sock family picture with Janessa, but, labor day was early this year and I can only do fake flowers and decorations on holidays at the cemetery until October so we celebrated Janessa's 1/2 b-day a week early.

I know it sounds crazy to look forward to this weird family activity each year, but, I do. The cemetery isn't the funnest place to be around b-days and holidays like Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, etc. so it is usually just Roland and I visiting Janessa on those days. But in September around labor day when it is still warm outside usually most of my kids are willing to go up to the cemetery and take a crazy sock picture around Janessa's grave and then just sit around her grave and talk and laugh for about a 1/2 hour. It means so much to me to have most of our family together for just those few moments because then I feel complete and whole and at peace. I'm always left with a hole and a heart ache at other family activities because Janessa and her angel siblings are missing. It's so nice to just have 1 time each year when Janessa is included.

We always take a picture where we are all in a tight circle around her headstone holding onto each other so we don't fall over as I take the picture. It just reminds me of her graveside service when we held hands in a circle around her little coffin and said a family prayer together. It helps remind me that some day we will all be together again as a family forever and for just those few moments we have a little bit of Heaven on Earth with us.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

September Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of September!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Be Still and Know that I am God

Sometimes God
Calms the Storm . . .
Sometimes He let's the Storm rage
and Calms His Child.
Author Unknown

At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end-no dawn to break the night's darkness. . .We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.

-President Thomas S. Monson

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-Joseph Campbell