PinWheels From Heaven

It is really hard knowing that in 10 weeks it will be officially 10 years since Janessa died.  Something about that number is hard to fathom.  How could I have survived 10 years without her???  It has not been an easy 10 years, grief has definitely taken a toll on me and on my family.  I'm trying to figure out how to cope and how to get through her actually 10th angel day.  I don't have it all figured out yet, but, 1 thing I did want to do is weekly challenges having to do with the number 10 for these 10 weeks leading up to her b-day.  I invite anyone who wants to participate in these challenges to do so and if you feel like posting pictures or posting about what you did I would love to hear about it. 

So here is the full schedule and then I will be posting a weekly reminder on each Monday.

December 30--Write down 10 good things that happened to you in 2019 or write 10 things you would like to do in 2020.

Jan 6th--Count to 10 this week and take a breath before you get upset at something or someone this week.

Jan 13th--Notice 10 acts of kindness around you or in the news and write them down.

Jan 20--Donate $10 to someone this week.

Jan 27--Take care of yourself this week.  Write down 10 things you like about yourself and repeat 10 times this mantra to yourself this week: "I am a beloved Daughter/Son of Heavenly Parents with a divine nature and eternal destiny."

Feb 3--Write down 10 things you are grateful for this week.

Feb 10--Help 10 people smile this week.  Ideas: smile, do acts of service, send a text-letter-card just to say hi and you are thinking of them to 10 people.

Feb 17--Take 10 photos of something meaningful to you this week--beauties of the earth (sunrise, sunset, flowers, animals, clouds), people--anything that inspires you.

Feb 24--Take 10 minutes each day for yourself--meditate, do yoga, read, practice a hobby, listen to music, anything that takes you away from all the normal stresses of life.

March 2--Remember Janessa for 10 minutes this week and let me know what you did.  (Wear pink or something with a butterfly, put out a pinwheel, light a candle, creatively write her name.)

I'm not sure how exactly to describe how I am feeling today--very lost, very empty, very depressed.  We have been getting bids from people to remove my 2 remembrance trees because they got damaged in our construction and contracted a disease that caused them to seep a very stinky sap, plus the front trees roots got damaged and all its leaves fell off in Aug. and was at risk for falling over.

These are 70 ft trees that have been growing in our yard for the past 16 years.  We all had kind of an attachment to them.  They provided shade and privacy from our back neighbors which was nice.  In 2011, they stood has silent guards over my remembrance garden that I set up in remembrance of my angel babies.  They held each of their wind chimes and wind spinners.  They were suppose to be my new Angel Trees and a place for me to put my wind chimes, now I have nothing--no where to put anything.  All these changes from our construction have been extremely difficult and this has been another hard one for me.  We were kind of forced into it by the tree removal place that came to just give us an estimate in the middle of a snow blizzard, but, then kind of bullied their way into the back and chopped them down.  We did get a good price, cheaper than the other company we were going to use and we didn't have to worry about having another big crane placed in our yard that would have ruined more grass.  These guys just climbed the trees like monkeys and chopped it apart branch by branch in a blizzard.  They left the mess there overnight and then came back today to clean up and leave us with a stump and very empty area--matches how my heart feels like right now.  I'm glad to have it over with and not have to worry about it all winter, but, it was too soon!  I did NOT like being bullied into removing these trees before I was ready.  I can't handle sudden changes--it freaks me out because that's what Janessa's death was--a sudden change.  This is all very triggering for me.  I hate it.

Eventually I'll get use to this change too and figure out a new use for this area, but, for now I weep for my two remembrance trees.  :`(