PinWheels From Heaven

Remembering my little Jason on his EDD <3 It is hard to think that this would be his 5th birthday and we would be getting ready to start kindergarten this year. :`(

So much time has passed since I saw his little heart beating on an ultrasound and had so much hope for this day. Now, this is just another empty day. I feel sad that I don't even have a remembrance garden to decorate--hopefully by your 6th angel b-day I will have my yard back.

In a couple of weeks it is my own b-day and I am turning 48--I have long since put aside those hopes and dreams of having a rainbow baby. It still hurts though to see people posting pictures of their rainbow babies and saying never give up "everyone" will eventually get their rainbow baby. Words spoken from someone who is holding a rainbow baby in their arms and that don't realize that for some of us, we will NEVER get a rainbow baby. 5 years ago there was a chance when I miraculously got pregnant with Jason and really thought he would be my long sought after rainbow, only to have him and 5 months later Rae Anne ripped cruelly from me and never to get pregnant again. I am learning to live without my rainbow baby and with a broken heart and empty arms instead, holding onto hope that in the resurrection, I will be given the chance to hold my babies again, but, for now it is a long, empty road filled with lots of ups and downs, joys and heartbreaks. So NO, over enthusiastic happy rainbow baby holding Mommy, everyone DOES NOT get their rainbow baby in this life, please have some sympathy for those of us left behind from the rainbow bus.

This year is a little different for Easter as I am unable to do the Easter Angel Tree like normal because of some renovations I am doing in my backyard.  So we will have to enjoy flashbacks from the previous 5 Easter Angel Trees this year.  Know that I am thinking of you and remembering all of our angel children and the Hope that Easter brings that we will someday be reunited with them and death will be no more!

I was drawn to the New Era Magazine for April because of the cover.  I normally don't make time to read this magazine, but, when I saw the sunflowers that the girls were holding it drew me in because sunflowers have become one of my favorite flowers and one of my symbols of hope after I miscarried my last angel baby Rae Anne. 

I decided to read the article associated with the picture, not realizing how much I would be able to relate to it.  It is about a young women group that wanted to have a year long service focus and they chose to include Abby, an angel baby of their Bishop and his wife who died at birth and would have been in their age group.  They each did part of the personal progress goals in memory of Abby and wrote in a little journal about their individual and group experiences.  This group of young women earned the young women medallion for Abby.  They decorated Abby's grave on her birthday, and visited her grave at other times.  They did service goals for her including making bracelets for Moms whose babies have died.  Then on their Young Women in Excellence program they surprised their Bishop and his wife with this journal and pictures of all the goals they had done and the necklace they had earned for Abby, a girl they didn't even know, who died 15 years before at birth, who would have been part of their young women group!   I was so touched reading this article that it made me cry. These girls will never know the beautiful gift they gave these parents of remembering their angel baby and making her a part of their life.  That is the best gift you could ever give parents of an angel baby--the gift of REMEMBRANCE!!!  It is something I long for as the years slip by since Janessa died and fewer and fewer people even remember she ever existed.  

New Era Service in Full Bloom



Today is Janessa's Due Date 4/04--the day I was so looking forward to 9 years ago.  Now it is just another empty day.