It has been 6 months since Janessa's b-day and today marks 6 months until her next b-day, which will officially be 10 years since we said hello and goodbye on the same day.
It also marks 10 years since my pregnancy with her. 10 years since we shared our lives together. 10 years since my life was normal and I was just expecting another baby.
10 years is a long time. It is a decade of memories that were lost and never made. It is a decade of grief that I have survived. It is 10 years closer to being with her again, but, 10 years since I held her and carried her and felt her kick and move and communicate via the womb. I like that the harsh realities of grief have softened, but, I hate that my short memories of her are also getting a little fuzzy.
10 years ago I never thought I would survive this long with out her. 10 years ago my life was very different.
I've begun to feel a freezing of my heart as the 6 months to Janessa's 10 year angel b-day begins. It's almost like the first 6 months after I loss her and I didn't really feel or experience anything--I just felt frozen and numb and just did what was necessary to survive and that is kind of what I feel like now. The 10th year angel b-day just seems too much to handle and deal with so my heart is freezing things up and taking a vacation for the next little while.
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