Because it is leap day tomorrow, today is the
official 10 days to Janessa’s 10th angel birthday. It’s hard to get to this point before her
b-day because I keep thinking about those last times I felt her move. It makes me crazy that I didn’t look into
fetal kick counts.
If you or someone you know is pregnant, please,
either ask your doctor about fetal kick counts or look it up online. There is lots of apps you can download that
make it really easy to track your baby’s movements and then if you see a
decrease in movements be a pain to your doctor and make him check your baby’s heartbeat and do an ultrasound to make
sure your baby is okay. Don’t just
accept their easy answer of “you’re in
your last trimester and the baby isn’t moving a lot because they are running
out of room” The reality of life is that
even though you make it to week 36, 37, 38, 39, and even 40 your baby can still
die. I know that isn’t something anyone
wants to think about—I didn’t—I didn’t think anything like that would happen to
me, but, it did.
I drive myself crazy with the “what if’s???” I know you aren’t suppose to dwell on those
questions, and most of the time I don’t, I just let them go, but, every year at
this time those “what if” questions just flood my mind. I think because these last 10 days before her
b-day I am constantly remembering the horror of seeing her lifeless body on a
huge ultrasound screen and hearing those words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat your baby is
dead” echo around and around in my head.
Along with the memories of the absolute silence of labor and delivery, except for the pouring
rain outside of my hospital window, as I awaited to give birth to death. And then the heartbreak of holding my dead
baby who never cried, never opened her eyes, and never took a breath. What if I
hadn’t just accepted my doctors easy answer and I had demanded that he check
her heartbeat and do an ultrasound in these 10 days when I knew her movements had
slowed down? Would they have found
something and done an emergency c-section and saved her life? Would I be celebrating a real 10th
birthday with Janessa in 10 days instead of enduring 10 years of grief hell and
having to decorate her grave instead???
There’s nothing I can do now, except maybe warn others and try not to
let the grief and guilt of not keeping Janessa safe eat me alive.
