PinWheels From Heaven

 I was really surprised to see all the snow we got last night.  It seems like there has to be one big snowstorm just before Janessa's angel b-day, but, it gives me a chance to make a snowheart for her.  At this time of the year the snow doesn't last very long, in fact I just peeked out the window and most of the snow has already melted away.   I always struggle on this day because it is extremely hard to flip the calendar from February to March knowing that we are just days away from her angel b-day now and these are the last days that she was alive inside me. :`(

 I am so grateful to be at the end of this week. Reliving memory days actually hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be but mainly because time has softened or almost erased memories from 11 years ago this past week. It is much harder living in the reality I am in today than reliving the memories of the past.

Reality #1 Janessa is dead and I still have 40+ years of reliving her angel birthdays ahead of me before I get to see her again. I still have tons of moments that have been stolen from me regarding her life. I still have to live with my PTSD and all the grief and stress and anxiety and all the other problems my family is facing because of her death!

Reality #2 My Dad is dead. My childhood home is gone. My familiar house and yard is gone. I'm having to be caretaker along with mother and wife and all my roles are very overwhelming.

Reality #3 We are living in a pandemic and some jerk called Child Protective Services on us and now we are "the accused" until proven innocent! I'm afraid to leave my house because of covid19 and I can never leave with my husband because someone has to be here at all times just incase the agent decides to do his "surprise visit"! Everything about this just SUCKS! All my grand plans for my 50th birthday crushed and demolished by covid19! Now I just feel overwhelmed, stressed out, judged, afraid, have nothing to look forward to--the future just looks empty too!

I'm sure that will change as I get closer to Janessa's death date and the week after. Unfortunately those memory dates have not softened or been erased by time, they are permanently engraved into my mind and heart. I have tried to crochet butterflies and watch movies as distraction to get through each day, but, it hasn't worked quite as well as I had wanted it to.

But, that is all I am left with is What If's and a big emptiness in my heart. :`(

 Today it is a Tuesday and it is exactly 2 weeks to Janessa's Angel Birthday. I've been debating back and forth when to put up the pinwheel 11 display and where. I wanted to have it up by March 1st and when I looked at the weather forecast, it looked like today was going to be the warmest so I decided today was the day. Now as for the where, that was hard. I've always done Janessa's pinwheel b-day display in my front yard, usually it has less snow, gets more sun, and I can capture the sunrise in the front yard. It's also been a way for me to celebrate Janessa with the neighbors. This year, I feel very vulnerable and judged and scared so I decided to just put it in my backyard just for me. That makes me a little sad that I have to hide Janessa away and that I won't be able to get pictures of the sunrise over the pinwheels. But, I will finally be able to enjoy it because I rarely went into the front yard or looked out the front window. Now it is right outside my bedroom window and that makes me happy.

Thinking about you today Janessa. I hope you can look down from Heaven and see my birthday decorations starting to go up for you. I hope you can come down and run amidst the pinwheels because I would love to feel you close especially at this time of the year. I love you my precious little girl--I wish we were planning out your b-day cake and b-day dinner and where just you and I would do our 1x1 b-day shopping trip. I Miss You! I Remember You! You are Always in my Heart! Love, Mommy <3

I've been wondering how to deal with all my tangled emotions that are more intense than usual this year because 2021 is duplicating 2010 as the days of the week are exactly the same. The next 2 weeks are full of hard memory days as I relive the last days Janessa lived inside me. It is very hard to cope, because my PTSD has been unfortunately activated again. I asked for ideas on a Share FB group I'm in, and although I got lots of sympathy likes, no one really had any advice. I wish my counselor had not retired a few years ago, because I would definitely be reaching out for help from her. I keep asking myself what would my counselor tell me to do???? I think she would tell me to verbalize my feelings and acknowledge and accept them for what they are. Then she would tell me to do something creative to visually let those feelings go and then go do something to distract myself like read a book or watch a movie or tv show. So this is my plan to get through the next 2 weeks--post or blog about my feelings to acknowledge and accept them. Then crochet a butterfly to represent those emotions and put it on her remembrance stone to set those emotions free, then go watch a tv show or read a book.

Today is the first of those hard memory days Monday, Feb. 22--11 years ago today I had really bad braxton hicks contractions that had me just lying in bed worrying that I was going into labor early. My parents came over to help me with homeschooling my kids and found me like that curled in a ball crying in pain physically and emotionally. They sat by my side and reassured me everything was going to be okay, and then my Dad gave me a priesthood blessing. By the afternoon the contractions had stopped.  At the end of the week at my Dr. appt. the dr felt like those contractions were Janessa moving from her breech position into a head down position so I celebrated. After her death I am assuming this was the day she got tangled in her umbilical cord and was slowly dying. I HATE this day now.

 Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating