i call it art

It was a whirlwind romance.

It started faster than I wanted it to start.
It ended faster than I wanted it to end.

And it ended with me on the floor. Sobbing my eyes out. Clutching at my heart wishing I could tear it out so it wouldn't hurt anymore.

I felt pathetic. Weak. Angry.
Not at him though.

At myself.
For being such a loser.
For loving someone that was such a loser.

I thought of my family. My father. Ohgodmydad.

He loved me so much. He would be so disappointed in me. In what I've become.

I reached for the pills.

The tears ran harder. My heart. It hurt so much.
I hit my chest. Hard. The pain felt better than the dull knife in my heart.

I swallowed a pill.

I slammed my fist into the floor. Into the wall.
I hated. Hated. HATED myself with a passion.
Oh God! Why?? WHY??

I swallowed another pill.

I wanted a knife. I couldn't find one.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
I didn't know if I dared to cut myself anyway.
So I hit the floor again.
And again.
And again.

I swallowed another pill.

And all went black.

I finally found out why men put their heads in a rock when a girl turns them down.

C: I'm so glad I only bought a birthday gift for H.
E: Huh?
C: And picked her up a couple of times. But ya, that's about it.
E: ...
E: So...................
C: Cos I think she's not into me. And if she ends up rejecting me, it would be damn 'pai seh' to think of all these things I did for her.
E: 0_0
E: So if you didn't like her, you wouldn't have gotten her a bday gift?
C: Hmmmm...
C: I would... Just not such an expensive one.
E: And you wouldn't have gone to pick her up?
C: Well... I would've have if it was convenient. But I stay in Kepong, she stays in Puchong, and we went to One Utama!
E: So in the end, whatever you did for her is not because you wanted to do those things for her but because you liked her and wanted her to like you back.
C: *thinks*
E: And if you DID do a lot more things for her, would you be damn pissed off with yourself and ignore her afterwards cos its too difficult to be friends with her after that?
C: Ummm...
E: And would you stop treating her nice or even like a normal friend?
C: Err... Well...
E: O-muh-friggin'-goodness.
C: Its a normal reaction!

E: So why don't you just treat her genuinely??
C: Meaning...?
E: Buy her gifts because you really want to. Don't buy an expensive gift cos you want to impress her, but get her something from your heart.
C: Hmmmm...
E: And when you do stuff for her, do it because you want to bless her as a friend. NOT because you have an ulterior motive and want something back!
C: Ermmmm...
E: Then if you really treated her genuinely this way, do you think your ego would be as battered if she didn't end up liking you back?
C: Well... I guess not.
C: It'd be like how I treat my other friends. My close friends...
E: Well, there ya go. You're growing up already.

Oh woe to fragile egos.