010 Life: June 2010

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Wandering life

Finish another interview.

Blank...as usual..

Dunno what to answer.

Talk whatever I have.

I.....

Everytime, after that,

I feel that the responsibilities on my back are getting more.

Wandering life that i imagine in the past has really become a dream only.

However, I am still living a wandering life.

A life that even more meaningful.

It is a combination.

Hehe..

I still have a chance to taste that kind of life.

Let's see what it is.

When the time come, I will realize.

Just walk. =)

many to one, who to focus?

I can see many people are helping out.

So no need to focus on a person who did not do anything?

Just a person who i can forget about.

Many people offer their help to stay at booth recently,

it makes our workloads lighter.

So touch.

The most importance is not about success or not.

Is their feeling when they receive our presents.

People who offer help are so cute.

haha....feel grateful.

Feeling my happiness and be comfortable.

Forget about the one person. Forget about the anger.

It's not importance.

And it will never worth my emotional energy.

Learn to smile to face difficulties. =)

Yea...gambate.

Presentation

Today, I went for presentation workshop.

It's scary.

The presenters want me to be dramatic.

We took turn to practice the voice.

To express the feeling by using voice.

I am so anxious until my whole back sweat.

Whenever my turn, I just do not know what to do.

I felt like running away.

I just not a dramatic person, can I?

I always have as less expression as I can, can I?

Give me a reason I must be like this in presentation....

So many arguments in my mind, I am just trying to defend for myself.

In the past, after such activity, I will feel extremely uncomfortable.

This time, I calm back and focus on next section immediately.

What a surprise.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Toys 3

I have watched the "Toys 3".

It's been such a long time since i last watched a movie.

Find a little time and watch it because i think it is special.

It's a good movie.

there are some sentences keep running in my mind

"never give up on you" and "never left you"

This is the character the boy give to the cow boy toys.

Starting to question: is it due to the "feeling of being abandoned"?

So i remember these lines better.

I paid special attention to the smelled strawberry pink bear.

It show the distorted personality and unbalance mind.

There are many people like that around my world.

Even when people treat them good, care them genuinely,

people like that will still go back to unbalance state.

Making others' lives harder and cannot stand others to be happy.

Life's difficult, it's never easy.

That's y i respect people who still can be nice and stand firm after experiences so many things.

When things happen, it is about how a person find the present behind it.

When things happen, it is about how a person view it.

It's not about how bitter and pity it is.

It's the heart, not the events.

Too many should and should not will only bring troubles.

If want to be real good, find..

TRUE, KIND, BEAUTIFUL.

Always tell myself to remember and practice this.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

self actualization

She said why should everyone go for self actualization.

Is it really that meaningful?

I think is painful.

Hmm...i dun have her answer, neither your answer.

I only have my answer.

To be a better person

To feel contented and not emptiness.

______________________________

Living wandering life recently.

Like the feeling.

Moving here and there.

And dunno my next place to stay.

No battery d, time to go home.

Friday, June 18, 2010

One day, the meaning i working for disappear suddenly.
I will feel i lost part of my heart or my whole heart.

My children gone.
The promise of wanting to bring them here and there
cant be fulfilled.
The feeling of wanting witness them to grow up
cant be fulfilled.
Gone.
It's a feeling of emptiness.

My parents gone.
I work to help my family to become better.
Now...what?

My head cant stop thinking.
I cant sleep for two days and two nights.
I feel that my head is going to break down.
The hatred is bitting me.
I am angry.
i want to end my life to revenge them,
for leaving me alone here.
I cant see any future.
I want to revenge
for treating me like this.
Dun allow me to go oversea and holding my money
just because i have no parents to support me now
because i am alone now.
I want them to feel regret.

hmm.......

Ouch!!

haunted by the feeling.

"it will come back again"
"it will come back again"
"it will"
"it will"
"it will"

One moment, everything will gone.

They havent been found.
They are still under the land.
Feeling anger.

What is the feeling whenever it's time to sleep?
So anxious.

How should I continue my life as normal? How?
Some survivor suicide in the end.
Some using avoid mechanism.

Why am I still alive? Why am I the one?
Did sth really happen here?

I want to talk, but i dare not touch my feeling.
In my dream, i cant see their face.
I can dream mom, i cant dream dad.

Missing them.........
Feeling guity, dare not to miss.....
The memories keep flying......

OMG...how to control my feeling?
I cant type anymore.....
The word "sad" is not enough to describe any here....

Wait

Hoping that they are still alive.
Thinking that they are still alive.
However, I dunno where they are.
Wonder they are waiting for me to rescue them or not.

Hoping to meet for the last time.
Or at least let me see you.

But....
I dunno where you are.

Everyday, listen to the sound of machine.
waiting and waiting and waiting
A little news is a big news.
The heart and mood follow it to go up and down.

it's an infinity wait.

I can wait, they cant wait.
I dunno how to wait.
____________________________________________

Maybe we like to say "wait until...., then i will...."
Hmm..most of time, the day will not come.
Even the day come, most things cant be done already.

Dun close the eyes while can.

If they all gone

It's time to learn to show my depression part.
or should call what sadness i see.

5 years ago, i have lost my gdmom.
1 and a half year ago, i have lost my another gdmom.
One day, i will lose my mom.
One day, i will lose my dad.

Can I imagine, how am I going to do?
If i lost 7 of them in one day/one second?

All the people who support me, let me see my future,
who will be there whenever i need help.
all gone.

What is the feeling?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

For you

His music

His music can touch people.
When he participated the competition, many audiences cried while listening his song.
Even the anchorperson.
However, dunno what happen, maybe under stress, maybe felt difficult to accept the fact of becoming famous in one day. His charm lost suddenly.hmm...
Finally, i see his real talents in this song again.

Live performance:

Journey

Today, i met a real nice friend who willing to wait for me and fetch me to bus stop. I took a bus immediately I reached there and think that i am real lucky and fortunate. Haha

Who knows?
It a Melaka bus.
I know only after i reach the Melaka central. >.<
Then I go asked the bus driver.
The bus driver told me that there are 10 bus with same car plate number, we need to take note the car plate alphabet. Err....didnt write on the ticket yeh. Who know leh? >.<
However, he helped me to get into the last Melaka-Johor bus immediately to back home. Hoo...At least, I still can reach home.

Anyway, it just add one more hour for my journey and no extra fee charged. =)
I think I earned more than lose.
Bc I saw beautiful scenario of Melaka.
No wonder she like to go back Melaka so much. hehe..

I saw pink color sky with blue color cloud.
The sun is orangeade red and so round.
I watched the sunset.
Although not by the seaside, but also by the glass side. =)
In addition, there have lots of coconut trees as well.

NICE!!!^^

-----------------------------------------
Got a special thing happen.
Dunno why, everytime i was in the bus,
there was a friend will sms me to ask me out.
Then, i always smsed with her in the bus. haha..
Haiz..too bad, everytime it's the time i need to go back home. So, cannot. I seldom go home, the friend still manage to sms me whenever i need to go home.
Haha..I feel funny la...
Hmm....I believe we will be able to come out soon de.
Let's just wait. ^^

Friday, June 11, 2010

College life

First year, in college, participated many activities.
Second year, in college, organized many activities.
Third year, out of college, in Malaysia, participated training.

Before ending of my undergraduate, go oversea, will be participating a program.

Hmm...life...

If i say I dun plan them, wonder will people believe me.
They are coincidence, are my presents.
I just walk.
When it's time, I just stop and looking back for a while.
Then, look into next route.

Do I know what i want?
Hmm...
I just feel who I am.
Whatever I do, I try to understand the meaning behind it.
After reaching the meaning of it, it's time for me to go.

Chances are given by others, I just try whatever it have here.
Grab them whenever I can and
as long as it correspond with my life.

Friends, as usual, come and go.
I ensure I treasure every now, but not when departure.

Life can be flexible into situations.
Just like the philosophy of water.
Fit into the shape of its' environment,
yet it is still water.

I have tried hard to fulfill the aboves.
I feel grateful.

Dream

I live my life seriously because this is what i have only.
I thought i dun have a dream and keep thinking of it recently.

I think my dreams are:
I want to be a better person.
I want to keep my sincerity.
I want to live my life seriously.
I want to do what I want to do.
I want freedom.

If dream means the way i live my life, then I have many dreams.

There was a dream impressed me before,
it is to create a world.
3 years ago, a she told me she want to link/call all professional in this field to be together and work together one day. Then, create a future.
Another friend told me that
she have a friend also have the same thought.
Now, a friend told me a same dream as well.

They are all different people yet hold the same dream, isnt it special?

3 years ago, i know him in a class and I was impressed.
It is because he gave up what he have studied for 4 years and change to study another totally difference course. I said "you are good and brave", at least you dun go on do sth not suitable you. Then, we seldom meet again due to certain situations.

However, bc of same dream, we meet again. We both attended same activity recently and will be working together. haha..Isnt it special?

Dream...can hold people together.
As close as we can.
If we dun have same dream, we will separate no matter how.
As far as we can.
That is how i think about "what kind of people will be living in what kind of world"
So, when it's time to say goodbye, just say it.
Because everyone is pursuing own dream.

Asking for help

Asking for help recently.
this is what i never want to do in the past.

Then, I learned on how to ask.
Then, I break though another challenges.

So, that's the feeling being helped.
Sharing is caring.
Informations kept flowing in.
I like it.

But, everything shouldnt be go to extreme.
I ask help because i really need it.
Not everything i think difficult den i ask help.
Bc I would still like to try to face challenges by myself.
I dun want to be handicap and I want to enjoy growing.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Yes, I can de

Not busy but stressful.
I feel my heart is going to explode.

They let me go.
She let me go.
I can go d.
So happy yet with fear.
Finally i have the chance to do what i always want to do.

I am going to make use limited time to train my body strength.
As well as mental strength.
Then, need to input as much knowledge/skill as i can.
Need very strict time management.
There will have lots of little tiny things need to do.
Besides that, 3 big things need to be completed.
Then, another thing need to be completed at least 3/4 too.
ALL WITHIN 1 month.
@@

Breathe!!
I can only say Gambate
Hmm...as usual, try my very best.
As long as this is what i call life.

------------------------------------------

It's good to have you all recently.
Somehow i just cant be so calm alr. Really excited.
Haha...It's not about angry, just my mind will wander away.
The cool me is boiling at this point of time.
That's the feeling.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Not me, is you

You are doing really well.
You have taken the best choice that you can think of.
You are trying best to maintain everything around you.

You are growing strong.
You can cope it now.
You know exactly what you are doing.
You see what the others cannot see.

You think i influence you.
But i would like to say
is you willing to listen.
Then, not me, is you who decide in the end.
I just share whatever i have, to help you see
the same thing from another angle.
Is you decide and walk your life in the end.
Is you willing to put effort to do what you want to do.
Is you who find out more about yourself.
I cant do it for you, isnt it?
You take your step, you walk and you get it.

I want to say "bravo"
From who i know in the beginning to the you today.
You are doing great.
^^

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Challenges

It's a chin chin chai chai feeling i get fr this gp.
Hard to communicate becoz of no listening.
Made decision by own without asking others.
Nothing interesting there, is just copy.
Anyways, I just do what i should do la.
________________________

Feel nervous for tomoro.
Hope i can make it thro'
Praying.
Hmm.. at least i have past the first stage.

What i want is the teacher in this program.
It will be a good chance to learn.
It's been a long time since the last time i felt so excited for a program.

Hmm...breathe...
Do my best.
Accept the result
Gambate.

I have decided

I felt that sth happen on you.
It might not be true, just what i feel.
I try to know your life and know you again.
I try my best to treat you as a new person.
However, after the conversation, I feel strange.
I also dunno why. It's just strange.
Then i think, i can do it doesnt mean you have to do it as well.

Before that, I did leave a place for you.
but since the situation is like that,
I think it's better to close it.
Nothing should be forced.
People come and leave.
I have made my choice for my part.

Time and effort is precious.
I dun wanna repeat the same mistake again.
I dunno is right or wrong, i just do so.
Learning from the experiences and leave the past
and then move on.
=)

Everyday is a brand new day.
Yesterday is my best memories.
Tomoro is a light.

A scytheman

That day,
We talked about out career pathway and about life recently.
We chose to stand at the petrol there.

Then, I met an uncle who I always bumped into on the street.
As normal, I said Hi to him.
After he went to toilet, he came to us.
He participated our conversation and talked about his life.

He said,
He married because of his parents' wish and then he got a son.
After he retired, he thought he can enjoy life. Who knows.....
He cant and eventually he have to earn money for his son.
For the next thirty years, he has been scything in the meadow.
Suffering the sun burning feeling and begging for others to give him job. He goes to houses one after another everyday to ask "do you need scything service?"
His way to use money is to purchase things that really needed only, so not much money he need. However, this is not the case of his son. His son always used more than he earn and not keeping for any future usage.
He is seventy-two uncle now, unlike the others who can play chess and chat with friends, he still need to work under the sun.

Then, he went back to his job.

We looked at each other.
What are our lives and what is his?
Just a moment before, we are feeling down,
because our views are so narrow to problems faced now only.
Due to his story, we jump out from the circle
and realize that our lives are more than enough.
He broaden our world views.
It's not that the problems we faced now is not importance anymore, it's just that they are not that importance.
What is the most importance then?

Like what she said, be happy.
When I gathering with her and shared this story.
"Be happy" is what she reflect back to me.
^^ Yea..real happy and it is not sth spoken only.
It is coming from the bottom of heart.
No reason, no principle, no philosophy.
Only those who know will know.
Who havent known will have lots theories because
theories are the ways for them to reach happy state.
Anyway, i think they will know it one day,
as long as they never give up.

Enjoy this moment. =)
What a nice day.
Due to a scytheman who brighten our lives today. ^^

Dear laptop

My laptop kena affected by virus alr. >.<.

The first time after three years.

It still can open but cannot online.

And the virus is spreading.

Haiz, y tis point of time.

Dunno what reason.

I think might due to the sudden upgrade by itself.

After that, things getting serious.

Thank godness I have alr copied my files into external hard disk.

If not, i can cry d.

I dun want to say goodbye to you yet.

So, be strong yeh..

Will send you to a good doctor soon.

010 Life