Durango Palmers: miscarriage

Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Moments

Things are going right along here in our little family. We're busy - as usual, trying to slow down - as usual, and desperately trying to enjoy every moment - as usual. Every moment of Tball, softball, school, playing outside in the sunshine, reading books, snuggling....Trying to enjoy every moment. And I have been trying to really feel every moment. Good and bad.

I think, and I've realized this so much for myself lately, that I try and numb the feelings sometimes. I don't want to feel sad, angry, stressed, even happy at times, so I do something to numb that feeling. It can be eating, zoning out on the computer, sleeping, generally distracting myself from feeling. I guess I think that the feelings will overwhelm me and I won't be able to handle them. But I've been challenged to feel. Not to be controlled by how I feel, but to accept how I'm feeling and challenged to then deal with that feeling. I don't know if I'm making sense.

Lately I've had days of wonderful-ness spotted with moments of sadness. This miscarriage journey has been a journey of feeling for sure. I think that I'm doing well, overall. I even think that my moments of sadness are doing well. I don't think the definition of doing well is over it or done dealing with it. I think the definition is being real and honest and processing each feeling as it comes. And I've been trying hard to do that and to not stuff them down somewhere in a dark place to deal with later. I don't want to deal with this later. I want to deal with it now and move on. And so I try and deal with each sad moment.

Moments like taking a pregnancy test and having it turn negative....which is supposed to be a good thing.

Moments like going to the Dr and having the very understanding midwife share with me her experience of loss and how she buried something that was meaningful to her - something that represented the baby she lost. It made me think of planting a tree or something.

Moments like the other night when Kate came up to me before bed and out of the blue said that she was sorry the baby died.

Moments like when I look down and my body still looks a bit pregnant but I know that I'm not.

Moments like now...sharing moments.

None of these are bad. None of these are taking over my life. But there are definitely times that I don't want to feel any of this. I'd rather numb it and not deal. So I'm working on feeling and realizing that I'll be fine when I feel. Even if it's sadness. Even if it's stress (I have a bit of that in my life right now). I'm working on seeing when I zone out and trying to figure out what I'm avoiding. I don't want to be a spectator in my life. I want to live it -- to the fullest -- just like Jesus said. He came to give me life abundant. But I can easily miss it by avoiding feeling.

Emotions aren't bad. We were given emotions to truly experience life - every part of it. But I think being controlled by those emotions instead of the truth can be harmful. Truth is the only thing that does not change. Our emotions do. One moment I can be happy, the next sad, the next angry. I do not want to be controlled by my constantly changing, and sometimes very hormonal, emotions. I'd rather be led by the Spirit of Truth. I want the Truth to lead me, guide me, and help me navigate the world of my emotions and feelings -- good and bad. Of course when I said that, I was hit hard with a flood of emotions this past week. I was all over the place. Angry, sad, happy, overwhelmed, stressed. You name it, I probably felt it last week. And unfortunately so did my family. Like I said, I am working on feeling and then dealing with each emotion. :) Such a slow process.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I wanted to give you a quick update on life here at the Palmer home.

I've said this to many people in the last few days, if you had asked me on Friday if I would feel like this on Wednesday I would've said not a chance. Which is why I have been blown away, time and time again, by God's grace, mercy and comfort. I'm not claiming I'm just fine - no big deal - I'm over it...No way. But I can say with full confidence that my prayers and the prayers of many of my family and friends have been answered. God has given me a peace and a comfort that I can not explain or understand.

Now my children have definitely helped in that area. They very much remind me that life is still going on, things still need to be done and taken care of, and they need love and attention. That has absolutely affected this process.

Our family of choice here in Durango have been hugely supportive and caring. We've had meals, phone calls, text messages, emails, cards etc...We have felt His great love through all these people. And then on top of that we've had friends from out of town doing many of the same things. Showing support through prayer and messages. And on top of that, the prayers and support from our families. All of it has been so comforting. If nothing else, we have experienced the love of God through countless people in our lives. Truly a blessing to both Mark and I. We are so thankful.

I've also had time to talk through some emotions with friends who have walked this before. And that has helped me have some understanding. God is using so many people to help us through this time.

I know that people will deal with grief differently. I am going to try and not figure out the best way for me to do it. For now I will cry when I want to and be okay when I am okay and not question it either way. And as you can see, I process things by typing them out. So many thoughts get jumbled up in my head and writing them down helps me sort through them. It's really been healing for me. I know some people are very private and things like this may make them uncomfortable. I apologize if this is doing that to you. I guess I figure you all knew I was pregnant and how excited I was about that. I might as well share the loss of that baby as well as the emotions that follow that. Thank you for the freedom to do just that.

Our children are doing just fine. They were sad but have bounced back. Ready to continue on with life as usual :) And they talk very matter of fact about it so there's no stepping around the conversation with them. Kale will "whisper" in my ear when I'm talking with someone and ask me if I've told them that the baby died. I will say yes and continue on with the conversation. It is what it is.

So there's the update on life here. I have more things to share but am out of time. I have to get ready to head to the Dr for a blood test to determine if my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing and if I'm healing physically like I should be.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. They have been answered - praise God!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

A new day

Today is a new day. The physical pain is subsiding and the emotional pain is too although not quite as quickly. I'm still working through many things and having to do many things. Things like putting away the maternity clothes I was transitioning into and calling Drs and insurance to let them know we don't need them anymore. The thought of putting away my clothes brought me to tears last night. I imagine little things will do that for a while. At this point I can't watch the video of the kids finding out I was pregnant. As funny and beautiful as it was it also is painful for me right now. I hope to be able to watch it again in a few months. It really was so adorable.

We have been overwhelmed and blessed by the support we've received. I remember when we were first pregnant with Kale we decided to tell people fairly early. Early compared to some. Some people don't announce a pregnancy till they're almost done with their first trimester in case something like this happens. I can understand that. This has definitely been hard. But when we decided to announce about Kale and the rest, we thought we'd rather people know and then be able to walk through a miscarriage with us rather than do it alone if that were the case. And today it is the case and I do not regret telling people. Although it's been a hard couple days, we've been blessed by prayers, texts, phone calls, emails, meals etc...from people who love us, support us and are walking through this with us. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated it. Just knowing and feeling that people care feels like God's arms wrapped around us. And I, for one, need that right now.

I didn't go to church. I wanted to and I didn't want to. I wanted to go and worship but I didn't think I was quite ready to talk to people, not to mention there's still a very real physical side of this that I'd rather deal with at home. I've been doing better talking without crying but I'm sure once I get wrapped in people's love for us there will be tears. There will probably be tears next week but for now I want to cry in private and try and work through some of the first emotions. Our wonderful friends, the Blegers, came and picked up the kids for me. Mark left early for church so they came so the kids could still go and have me stay. Truly a blessing. The kids were excited to be able to go to church, especially with their good friends.

I'm restless. I cleaned out the fridge knowing that our amazing small group will be filling it up shortly :) I've done laundry, cleaned the kitchen, read blogs, and showered (a long, nice, relaxing, interruption-free shower!). I'll have to sit now. Can't overdo it. It's been hard to just sit and wait for this to end. Small steps I suppose.

I am definitely learning yet another lesson in trust. Trust in Him and His plans. I know that I don't have to understand everything. I think turning all my burdens over to Him means (to me) that I have to not try and figure everything out. I can't try and answer the questions. I can't try and make plans for the future. I can't try and figure out what I need to learn from this. I can't try and make sense of it. I can't worry and I can't dwell on what could've been.

I can grieve. I know I can. And that's the process I'm going through. I just also need to rest and trust in Him. He knew this was going to happen. He allowed it to happen. I don't know why. But He is still, and always will be, so very good to me and my family. I'm thankful that I know God and He will give me rest and peace and comfort. My heart will eventually follow my actions as I go through this. I have no doubt about that.

I promise that my posts will get more upbeat :) Thank you for your patience and understanding as I "talk" this out on the computer.

I forgot, yesterday, to post the pictures I took with my phone at DQ. I really do love my family and am so thankful for each of them.

My comfort treat. A caramel brownie blizzard. De-lish!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

He gives and He takes away

And my heart will choose to say "Lord blessed be Your Name".

Friends I'm writing one of the hardest blogs to date. One I wasn't sure when I was going to write. I knew I would write it but I didn't know how soon. But it is 2:30am and I am up and have the need to write this down. So here it goes.

Thursday evening, while Mark was at worship practice, I was getting Jack ready for bed when I felt something that wasn't right. I went into the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. My first reaction was panic but then I began to calm myself down and remind myself that I bled some when I was pregnant with Kale and everything turned out fine. That helped for a while. But I was still scared and so I went to my room to change and to pray. Of course the kids followed. I asked them to leave me alone. Just for a few minutes. Mom was praying. They didn't know what to do actually. I'd never asked to be alone to pray. Usually I'll pray with them. But I really didn't know how to deal with this and them at the same time. It was a challenge.

I finally got them to bed and went to bed myself. I needed to sleep and have some peace and pray about quatro. So I did, hoping that the news would be different in the morning.

Friday morning I woke up and Mark was gone. He'd had an early morning meeting on Friday so I really hadn't seen him since this started. I was half asleep when he came home the night before. I went about my morning routine with the kids but each trip to the bathroom brought more tears as the bleeding hadn't stopped and it was much different than with Kale. My first OB appointment had been scheduled weeks ago and it was for that day at 10:30am. I was so relieved to know that I'd be able to see a Dr and find out for sure what was going on. Truthfully I was dreading it and at the same time counting down the minutes to some answers.

The kids kept asking me why I was crying. I told them that I wasn't sure if the baby was okay. I told them that the baby was sick and I was going to the Dr to find out how sick.

Mark got home around 9 and I told him it wasn't good. At all. He still had hope. Mine was dwindling fast. I left for the appointment by myself. Mark was going to stay with the kids. I prayed the whole way there for a miracle although I just had this feeling that it wasn't going to be good news. Then I started thinking about telling my kids and I cried. This was going to be harder than I ever imagined.

When they took me back for my appointment they went through the whole routine - weighing, peeing in a cup (although I couldn't since I'd been to the bathroom a dozen times already that morning), many questions about my previous 3 live births (that's how they refer to them), guidelines for being pregnant (what you can and can't do and what you can and can't eat) and stuff like that. The sweet nurse asked how I was feeling and I burst into tears. I thought I could do it but I was so dang emotional. I told her I'd been bleeding and I wasn't sure if this meant I was still pregnant or not. She was sweet and tried to reassure me that they would find out everything they could.

Then I met with the midwife. A very nice woman who delivered Kate. She reassured me that it can be normal to bleed but she would still check everything. She did the dopplar and she couldn't find a heartbeat. I laid there praying for the sound. Nothing but my own heartbeat. Then she went and got a portable ultrasound machine and said she wasn't very good at it but she'd try. She found nothing but sent me to a professional ultrasound tech to make sure.

So I walked to the main part of the hospital and was taken back to a room. I knew that this was it. This was where my life would change. The lady was very nice and caring. I'm sure she does several of these types of ultrasounds a week or a month. I warned her that I would be crying no matter what she told me. She said she understood and that she might even be crying along with me.

She didn't. She found the baby. I saw them on the screen. There was no movement. No frantic swimming around. Just an eerie stillness. She asked me for the date of my last period. When I told her she said so you would be around 10 or 11 weeks then? Well the embryo measures about 7 weeks. It happened a while ago. Tears were streaming down my face as she spoke. My worst fear was coming true. She asked me if I still felt pregnant and for the first time I realized that I didn't. I had been so tired still but hadn't felt nauseous. I guess I'd been happy at the time that it had gone away early. Now I wasn't happy at all.

She left me alone to cry and deal with this and make phone calls if needed. I stayed for a few minutes but knew there wasn't much I could do. I was a mess. My face does not hide tears at all. I was red and my face swollen and red splotches on my chest. It was the ugly cry.

I walked back to the midwives office to check in. The office manager knew from my face that it wasn't good news. She came out from behind the desk and gave me a hug. When I met with the midwife again she explained what would happen to me next. A lot of bleeding and cramping as my body would expel the baby.

I don't know how I drove home trying to see through the tears. Expel the baby?! There's more than just the emotional pain of losing the baby, there's very real physical pain. I was dreading the weekend. We had had fun things planned for the whole weekend. It was going to be busy. And now it wasn't. Now it's going to be spent waiting. Waiting for the end of the pregnancy to really hit.

I came home and thankfully Mark had already told the kids (I had called him from the car). He said they had all cried. Kale and Kate hugged me and said they were sorry the baby died. Me too I said.

After lunch they asked if I was going to be sad for a long time. I told them I was going to be really sad for a few days but then I'd be okay. I'm sure I'll be sad for a long time but I know that I won't be this weepy forever. They just needed to know that I'll be okay. Kale said that I needed to ask God for another baby. He was sure God would give us another one. I told him we'd see.

I napped for a bit in the afternoon. My head was pounding from crying. Mark and I decided to go to Dairy Queen for a treat that night. We had promised the kids DQ a while back so we thought that last night would be a good time to deliver. We had a good time forgetting for a moment. Although my eyes were still swollen and my nose red. I wanted to let the kids know that I'm going to be alright.

So we came home, put the kids down, and Mark and I processed a bit. I shared with him some of my feelings and he shared his. I think one of the things I'm so confused about is how I am going to go forward from here. We weren't sure 3 months ago about having 4 kids. Then when we were, we were thrilled beyond anything to have 4. We made plans for 4, dreamed of 4, thought of names....And now it's 3 again. Not where I wanted to be. I mean of course I'm happy with my 3. I love them. I had just pictured 4. What do I do now? Do we have 4? Do we stay with our wonderful 3? My heart breaks with confusion as well as the sadness.

Then there's the physical pain and all that brings with it. Which is why I'm up in the middle of the night when I'd much rather be sleeping. I woke up with major cramping. This is what I was dreading the most. Knowing that my body was going to be getting rid of the baby I so desperately loved. I know this is why it is such a different grieving process for me versus Mark. Not only do we already deal with this differently but then I have the very physical reminder of our loss. How long will it last? It depends. It could be just a couple days. I pray that's all.

So I tried to sleep through the pain but couldn't. I gave up and got up went to the bathroom and was reminded again that this is very real. And it's a very painful process. Quatro isn't here anymore. And I miss him or her.

It may seem strange to miss this "embryo" this "fetus" but that's not what it was to me. It was my baby. My 4th baby. A life. And there's still grief. I imagine it's a different kind of grief but it's still grief just the same. I'm not mad. At least I don't think I am. Just confused. I wonder why I had a dream that I was going to have this fourth child. I wonder why I got pregnant only to lose them. But then I realize that the answers to the why don't really matter. They're still gone. It still hurts. And I still love and trust God. He's still the same as He was yesterday when I thought I was going to have a baby. He hasn't changed. And He is holding my baby in heaven. And I will be okay.

Thank you for letting me share my hurt and my pain. This has been therapy for me. I know many woman who have walked this road before. I know I am definitely not alone in this. And that brings comfort. I know I didn't do anything wrong although thoughts still invade. Things like did you eat or drink something you shouldn't have...did you lift too much weight...did you not get enough rest...etc...But then I remind myself that God is bigger. And this was meant to be. He knows the answers and I trust Him. It's not my fault.

So I will wait for the end of the physical pain and trust for healing from the emotional. I know it will come. And I will be okay.

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