This beautiful little boy came into the world...

... and my life has never been the same.

Jon's family has a tradition that on someone's birthday you have a birthday dinner and then tell the story of when they were born. Usually they make the person who knows the least tell it-- so they usually end up pretty funny. But since this is Asher's first birthday I want to tell his real birth story. The version I wrote earlier was short, I was still pretty overwhelmed and didn't want to spend much time on the computer. So I wanted to write a more complete version, so that he will have it archived somewhere. I know I've already posted a lot on birth, so if you aren't interested you don't have to read it, but if you are... enjoy.

On the night before Asher was born my Dad, brother, and two sisters were visiting us in SLC. They were headed back to Idaho the next morning, because my little sister was going to the Christmas Ball, and had been hoping the baby would be born while they were in town-- no such luck. We'd spent all evening playing board games and eating pizza (the last thing I ate before labor). I had been having contractions pretty regularly but I had had lots of practice contractions for the last few months so I didn't think much about them. They didn't hurt or feel like anything abnormal. After my family left at about 10 PM I asked Jon to time my contractions because they were really frequent. We timed them and they were about 5 min apart and at least 1 min long, which is when most doctors tell you to go to the hospital. But they didn't hurt, they just felt tight, so I wasn't very worried. I called the midwife and left a message on her phone telling her that I was having more frequent contractions, but I really didn't think I was going to have the baby for a few more days. I was only a day away from my due date, and was fully expecting to go a week or two past it. So Jon and I went to bed and I had the best sleep I'd had for several weeks, I think it was God's gift to me so that I would be rested for labor.

The next morning at about 6:30 AM I woke up with really strong contractions. I knew that this was it and that the baby was coming that day. I woke up Jon and told him, and he jumped out of bed completely excited. The contractions were coming about every five minutes and were getting stronger, but I was handling them really well. We called the midwife, Vivian, and at first she asked if she should come in a few hours. I was having pretty strong contractions and didn't really know what to tell her, but then I had a contraction while I was on the phone with her and had to stop talking so I could relax and breathe through it. After that she said she would cancel her appointments for the day and be over within the hour.

It felt really good to sit on the toilet, it made my hips wider, and so I sat there for several contractions while Jon got the birth pool, which the midwife had dropped off at our house a week or two before, set up in the living room. Jon also turned on the hypnobirthing CD which really helped me to relax and focus. I did a lot of pacing in between our bedroom and the baby's room. I held my belly, hung my head to my chest, took deep breaths, and waddled in a figure 8 pattern in one room and out the other. This really helped me stay focused and peaceful. One time Jon made the mistake of getting in the way of my figure 8 and I whacked him out of the way. I remember walking like this until the midwife showed up and she and Jon filled up the birth pool.

By the time the birth pool was filled up the contractions were getting much much stronger and I was having a hard time breathing through them and staying calm. I whistled a lot to help me stay relaxed. I am a very auditory person and a long slow whistle at the start of each contraction helped me stay calm and focused. At about 10 o'clock I got into the birth pool, which was a big, deep pool that had ducks on it. The water was really hot and it relaxed my body all over. For the last hour or so I hadn't been able to talk because I was too focused on the contractions, but as soon as I got into the birth pool I was able to talk with Jon and Vivian and even laugh. I still had to stop and focus on relaxing and breathing during contractions but in between contractions I was able to talk and laugh with them. Jon turned the hypnobirthing CD on and put in on repeat, I don't remember listening to the words but the music helped me relax. Vivian checked the baby's heart beat with an underwater Doppler every 10 min or so, and it brought me such peace to hear my baby's heart beat and know he was on his way. I even think I fell asleep a few times in between contractions. I also remember staring at the Christmas tree while Jon stroked my hair and hummed to me. That was definitely the best part of labor.

After about an hour or two in the birth pool the relaxing effect started to wear off. The midwife told me I should probably get out and walk around for a little while, as staying in the same position tends to slow labor down. I got out of the pool and Jon helped me get dressed in my blue fleece nightgown again. But labor out of the water was SO MUCH HARDER! It felt like my body weighed a thousand pounds and that the contractions were harder to handle. I really started to panic and it took both Jon and Vivian's skills to calm me down and help me focus again. I remember one particularly strong contraction when I was holding onto the bed posts and squatting; Jon was squeezing my hips and Vivian was brushing my hair telling me to "focus on the good, focus on the good sensations and let the pain go." I remember it felt SO nice, and I felt SO supported and loved. The only time I laid down on the bed was when Vivian was checking my dilation and effacement (which she did only once). It was agony to lie down and even worse to have some one stick their hand up there! She told me I was at a 5 and I started to cry. I felt like I had gone so far and was afraid to think I was only half way. But she quickly told me "Five does not mean half way, you are doing great, five in not half way-- five is close to being done."

The rest of the labor is kind of a blur of pacing in the hall, squatting by my bed, Jon stroking my hair, and Vivian rubbing the pressure points on my feet-- which was amazing. Finally I was able to get back into the birth pool, which had been filled up with more hot water. I hadn't really been planning on a waterbirth, I thought that I would want to get out when it came time to push, but after feeling how much harder labor was out of the water I told myself that I was NOT getting out of that tub until the baby was born. Not long after getting back in the tub the transition contractions started and honestly I don't remember too much about that time, I was too focused and was off in a whole different world. It was kind of a surreal experience. I remember being on my hands and knees with Jon stroking my hair and Vivian pouring water over my back. I remember Vivian asking me if I wanted to be checked again and I said "NO WAY!" I remember Jon and Vivian trying to get me to eat something, but all I wanted was apple juice. I also remember feeling so helpless and exhausted and telling Jon I wanted to be done --that I had changed my mind and didn't really want to have a baby. I remember TOTALLY losing it and Vivian grabbing my face and helping me breath and calm down. I remember her telling me that she thought being on my hands and knees was a good position to help the last bit of cervix dilate and to help the baby move down. During this time the other midwife, Heather Johnson, showed up but I don't remember even looking at her until after the baby was born.

Looking back, I think I started to push too early. I didn't really have the urge to push, I just couldn't feel the contractions anymore and so I thought "time to get the baby out". I learned after that sometimes women get a break right before pushing where the contractions stop hurting, I should have just rested and enjoyed it, but I was too anxious to get the baby out. I pushed on my hands and knees for a long time. For lack of a better description, pushing felt like having a REALLY big bowel movement-- not what I was expecting. After a while Vivian told me to reach down and feel the baby's head. It was the most amazing feeling. I remember being shocked that there was so much hair! I think Jon reached down and felt it too. I was grateful to my friend who had told me that, "Crowing does not mean you are done-- you still have a lot of work left to do!" Vivian told me to try a different position for pushing because hands and knees didn't seem to be working. I turned on my side with Jon supporting my shoulder and my leg resting on the birth pool. After about an hour of pushing I felt my water break and the "ring of fire" around my perineum, and not long after the baby flowed out of me and into the warm water. I didn't realize this till just a little while ago, when Jon was reading this and said, "Hey wait a minute! I am the one who caught him!" I thought that Vivian and Heather had reached down to get him, but I guess it was Jon (I didn't know that ;). But he had to hand the baby over really fast to the midwives because the umbilical cord was wrapped around him twice. They untangled him and then put him on my tummy and I was stunned. Actually, one of the very first thought that crossed my mind was "Your not Luke (the name I had chosen), who are you?"

The first few minutes of his life were amazing. He had his arm totally wrapped around his head (like he was trying to touch his ear with his hand), which was why he was so hard to push out and why I tore-- I had to get an arm and a head through. He just moaned and moaned and I was worried because he didn't cry--- I didn't know that babies who are born in the water are extremely calm and peaceful. In fact, Heather (the midwife) said that the first time she did a water birth she messed with the baby way too much because she thought something was wrong because it was so relaxed and peaceful. Right aways the midwives did all the Apgar tests while I held him in my arms and he was perfectly healthy. He even started trying to nurse within a few minutes of birth-- I tell you my little boy likes to eat! After holding him for about five minuets we realized that no one had checked to see if he was a boy! He was. It is funny to watch the video of me right after his birth because I am so awestruck and overwhelmed and act like I was on some sort of "happy" drug-- which in a way I was (after natural child birth you get the biggest rush of endorphins you'll ever have in your life). Jon held the baby while I delivered the placenta and then the midwives got me out of the pool and wrapped me in warm blankets. I had a pretty bad tear and at first they were worried that I would need to go to the hospital and have my OB stitch me up (I had a backup OB just in case I had to transfer to the hospital). But after looking at it closer they realized it wasn't as bad as it looked and were able to numb me and stitch me up. During that time Jon carried Asher around, who was still attached to the placenta (some research shows that the longer a baby is attached to the placenta the more stem cells they get, keeping them healthier their whole lives; as well as having less jaundice after birth) and he just kept moaning and moaning. I don't think he cried full out for almost a day.

After being stitched up the midwives cleaned up the birth pool and the rest of the house (I swear they even did the dishes). I put on the pretty white nightgown I'd ironed weeks before and snuggled into bed with Jon and the baby. All in all the labor and birth was about 9 hours, unless you count the early labor when my contractions didn't hurt and then it is more like 30 hours-- but I slept through most of that so I don't really count it. My sister-in-law Anna was the first one to come visit, and them the rest of my in-laws showed up with THE BEST chicken dinner and yogurt parfait I've ever had in my life. They pampered me and made me feel like a queen. The next two weeks were wonderful because my mom came and took care of us, Jon's mom came, Jon's grandma came, and our ward brought SO much food. Our house felt sacred and peaceful. Most the time we left the blinds closed and just had the Christmas tree lights on. We had the most peaceful "babymoon" and we were really sad when we had to "emerge" and start normal life again. The only thing that was really hard was that I didn't sleep for the first week he was born. Honestly, in a whole week I only got about 4 hours of sleep. I had plenty of help with the baby it was just that my mind was too excited and I couldn't calm it down. I discovered chamomile tea and Unisom and am very grateful for them.

Birth was such an amazing experience for all three of us. In fact, I think Jon is more passionate about natural birth and home birth now than I am-- imagine that! It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, and I remember right after it was over thinking "I don't ever want to do that again." But I guess God blesses women with forgetfulness, or they wouldn't ever have any more babies! But then again I've never felt more powerful, strong or capable in my entire life. It was a wonderful way to start out my journey into motherhood. If I could do it all again-- I would do it exactly the same. Asher has been the greatest blessing in my life and I can't imagine the world without him. He had a really peaceful entry into this world and I just pray the rest of his life is just as beautiful. I am so grateful that God has trusted me to be his mother. I feel honored.

I am going to take a break from blogging for the Christmas season. I have too much on my plate and need a vacation. So I am wishing you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I will do one more post on Asher's Birthday (already scheduled) and then I'll be back in January. I hope you will all still be around. Oh, and for your Christmas present here is my very favorite painting of all time.

I just wanted to follow up my post about why I had a natural birth with a few comments. First, I hope that my post didn't come across as boasting. I don't think that having a natural birth makes you a better mom or a better woman than if you had a medicated or surgical birth. It is just that natural birth was such an amazing experience for me and I wanted to share it. Wonderful, spritual births are still possible with epidurals and c-sections. A friend of mine wrote a wonderful post about her good experience giving birth with an epidrual. I think it is important for women who have had good birth experiences (natural, medicated or surgical) to share them, especially with first time moms, because there are WAY too many scary birth stories already in circulation.


Second, I want to send some information out there to women who have had c-sections and want to have a vaginal birth for their next baby. The claim that "once a c-section, always a c-section" is absolutely not true anymore. There have been several recent studies that show that vaginal births after cesareans (VBACs) are VERY safe, given that the scar on the uterus is not vertical, but ALMOST ALL c-sections are now given with horizontal incisions-- which are very safe for VBACS. If you have had a c-section and want to have a natural birth--- it is VERY possible. You just need to find a doctor or midwife who is willing to do VBACs. Some doctors and hospitals are refusing to do them (why? I don't really know-- maybe because they make more money from c-sections?) but there are LOTS of doctors and midwives who will do them. Shop around and find a care provider who is willing to support you, they are out there. Also there is an organization called ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) that is dedicated to helping woman prevent c-sections and have successful VBACS. If this is something you are interested in, I HIGHLY recommend talking to these women!

Third, I wanted to throw out some more ideas for women who want to have natural births:

1. Take a childbirth education class. I wouldn't highly recommend classes taught by the hospital, they tend to teach you how to be a good patient and not how to have a natural birth. Still, they are better than nothing and I do know of some classes that do a really good job at preparing couples for natural birth. Take a class that teaches you more than one technique for coping with labor. Some options that I would highly recommend are Hypnobirthing or Hypnobabies classes, Bradly classes, Lamaze classes or Birthing From Within classes.


2. Have your mind made up. If you want to have a natural birth be determined and firm. If you are kind of wishy washy, you will probably end up with an epidural. Labor IS NOT A GOOD time to make up your mind to have a natural birth, the decision needs to be made LONG before.


3. Shop around. Take the time to find a care provider who is excited about you having a natural birth and is willing to support you. Options are sometimes limited by insurance or location, but if you do your homework I bet you will find a care provider you feel really good about. Don't be afraid to switch providers if you aren't happy with the one you have!


4. Have a doula. I might be a little biased about this one, seeing as I am doula, but doulas really are wonderful. A doula gives you continuous support and care, unlike a nurse she only has one client so she never leaves you alone, and unlike (most) husbands she knows massages, acupressure points, and relaxation techniques that help with natural births. She doesn't replace a husband, she just helps him to be more involved in the birth. I personally feel that EVERY woman should have the support of a doula. They are worth EVERY penny. Here is my website which has more information about doulas.


5. Consider birthing at a birth center or at home. These are options that most couples don't ever look into, but which can be wonderful options for low risk women. Birth centers and home birth midwives specialize in natural births and don't make women fight to have fully natural births. I know many women say that they are scared to give birth outside of the hospital-- what if something went wrong?-- but research shows that birth centers and home births are just as safe (if not safer) than hospitals for low risk women. Don't rule these out as options-- do your research.


6. Practice Kegel exercises. If you don't know what these are-- google it, I don't want to try to explain! Practicing these really helps in natural birth because they strengthen your pelvic floor muscles which helps with pushing. Kegel exercises also helps you learn how to relax them; learning to relax your pelvic floor muscles helps prevents tearing and helps speed up natural birth. You might feel funny, but take comfort in realizing that no one else will know you are doing them!


7. Talk to people who have had natural births. The more you hear about how wonderful and beautiful natural birth can be, the more you will learn to not be afraid and trust your body. Sometimes all it takes is the knowledge that someone else has done it (and loved it) that helps carry you through to the end.

Okay that is all I wanted to say. Birth is amazing. Women are amazing. Women giving birth is double amazing.

Rhoda

Acts 12: 13-15

It seems like whenever another woman finds out that I had my baby naturally she feels like she has to defend herself and explain why she HAD to have an epidural. It usually sounds something like this, "I think I would have died," "It hurt so bad," or " Thank heavens for epidurals! I couldn't have done it with out one." Usually that is the end of the conversation and they never ask me WHY I wanted to have a natural birth. I guess they just assume I am just a weird masochist who likes pain, like someone who doesn't get Novocain at the dentist's office. Just one time I wish someone would, after defending themselves, ask me why I chose to have a natural birth. So, since I can write anything I want on this blog, I've decided that I am going to explain my decision to have a natural birth. I know that majority of the women who read my blog had epidurals, but I don't mind if people have different opinions. I believe a woman has the right to give birth how and where ever she wants. This is just my opinion and my experience. They are listed in order of the most important reason down to the least important reason:

1) I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to be fully present and fully responsible for what was happening to my baby and my body. I wanted to feel myself open, feel the baby coming down into the world, feel my body and my baby working together, and I especially wanted to feel the exact moment when my baby left me and entered the world. That moment was SO important to me. It was one of the few times in my life when I was directly connected to heaven, when I became a portal through which God sent a new spirit into the world. For a few hours God worked the greatest miracle-- the creation of a human soul-- through me.

When I looked at labor from an eternal perspective, I realized that my mortal life is so short. I realized that I will only have the opportunity to be the conduit of mortal life a few times and then it is over. Never again in my eternal existence will I get to experience labor and birth like I do here on earth. Never again will I get the be a portal between heaven and earth. I realized that the suffering of childbirth is SO SHORT in the eternal perspective of life, but the lessons a woman learns in those hours changes her soul eternally. I believe that God could have made childbirth easy, but He didn't because He had eternal lessons to teach his daughters that could only be learned through enduring to the end. I didn't want to miss those lessons, no matter how hard it was going to be.

2) I wasn't afraid. Early on in my pregnancy I decided that I was going to have my baby naturally (and at home, but that is another story) and decided that I was going to do all I could to make that possible. Yet despite my decision I still had fears about natural childbirth. I had heard dramatic horror stories about birth all my life, and only knew a handful of women who had actually had babies naturally. Luckily I have an AMAZING sister-in-law who had her baby naturally 6 months before I did, so it didn't seem so impossible. Still, I was a little afraid.

Then one night when praying for peace about my baby and my labor, the scripture "Perfect love casteth out all fear" came to my mind. I realized that God was in perfect control of the universe. That He knew me, He knew my baby, and He knew what experiences would be best for both of us. I knew that it if I put my faith in Him, I could do anything. I also got the most beautiful assurance that everything was going to be alright, and that God wanted my baby to get to earth safely and peacefully. My job was to listen, have faith, and wait. When the labor started I wasn't afraid at all, I felt in control and at peace. I knew that God was watching over me.

I think being afraid is one of the main reason women get epidurals. Not only does fear make you less emotionally and mentally capable of dealing with labor, but it makes the contractions hurt more and slows down labor. When a woman is tense and scared her body goes into "fight or flight" and contracts muscles, constricts blood vessels, and prepares to defend itself. In fact, animals who are in a labor will stop labor completely if they get scared or are in an unsafe spot. The best thing a woman can do in labor is learn not to be afraid.

3) I trusted by body. I knew that God had designed my body to give birth, and that my body knew how to do it-- even if my mind didn't. I knew that my baby knew how to be born and that my body would help him in every way it could. I knew that if I turned off my mind and let my body take over, it would do what it was designed to do-- and it did. Our society teaches women that their bodies are dysfunctional, flawed and unreliable, but the truth is they are just the opposite. Women have THE MOST amazing bodies, and I believe that all the lies that women hear about what their body should be doing or what it should look like, are attempts by Satan to hurt women and destroy families. Women's bodies are beautiful, strong and miraculous-- don't listen to anyone who tires to tell you otherwise.

4) I was prepared physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was glad that pregnancy was 9 months long because I needed that long to get myself prepared for natural birth. My sister-in-law explained to me that her philosophy was that labor was like a marathon. If you tried to run a marathon with no training, physically or mentally, you would end up getting scooped off the pavement at mile marker 10. If you trained for it, then the race is still the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but it is possible and it is life changing. Just like a marathon, labor is 1% physical and 99% mental.

These are some of the things I did to prepare for natural labor:

Physical: Respected my bodies limits, swam every other day up until the month before my due date (I probably could have gone longer but my pass expired), ate healthy, did yoga, walked, and made Jon give me back rubs.

Mental: Jon and I took hypnobirthing classes which helped SO much. They helped me create a healthy mindset about pregnancy and labor. I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical about if it would work or not, but when I was in labor and Jon turned on the tape I immediately relaxed and went to a happy place. I don't remember ever listening to the words, but because I had practiced, just the sound of it made my mind and body peaceful and calm.

Emotional: Mostly I worked on conquering my fears. This wasn't easy and I was working on it up to the very moment I went into labor. I still have fears to work through (for the next birth) but I realize now that most of them are irrational or things I can't control, and that I need to just let go of them.

Spiritual: Prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer. I also read a lot of birth stories by women who spoke about their births being spiritual experiences (rather than horror stories) and found peace from stories about women in the scriptures. Also my midwife was wonderful and spent hours with me talking about how amazing birth is and about how women's bodies are miracles. She brought me a lot of peace, and sometimes our prenatal visits would last two hours! Thinking about Eve also brought me a lot of peace, to realize that she was the first to go through labor and what it must have meant to her.

5) I was terrified of having a c-section and knew that my chances of having one were higher if I had an epidural.

I won't go into a whole bunch of research or statistics, because most of you probably already know it all. If you don't, here is a resource. It seems that all the research I've looked at shows that mothers and babies have better births and are healthier when they have fully natural births. Not that babies or mom's with epidurals are unhealthy, but statistically your chances of having a healthy birth are higher when you do it naturally (and are not induced-- but that is another subject for another day).

Also, I wanted to take responsibility for my birth, and when you have an epidural you turn the responsibility over to someone else-- the doctor, the nurse, the hospital. Laboring naturally puts the woman in control, she is the one who knows what is going on in her body, she doesn't have to look at a monitor to find out. She is the one who knows when it is time to push, she doesn't have to have the nurse tell her when to. She is the one who knows when the baby is coming, and she is the one who knows what is happening better than anyone else. Epidurals may be great and take away the pain, but to me giving away the control over my body and my baby's birth was not worth it.

Even so, I don't think there is one right way to birth, because every baby, every woman and every situation are different. I just wanted to share my experience and what it meant to me. I hear and read SO many women who talk about their births being traumatic or scary and it makes me SO SAD. Because birth does not have to be like that. When a woman is prepared mentally, physically and spiritually and she feels safe and supported, birth can be a beautiful, peaceful, calm, and empowering experience. That is what it was for me and I pray that other women (who want it) are able to have it. If you want to have a natural birth YOU CAN DO IT! Really you can, but just realize you need to BE PREPARED because most hospitals and popular culture are working against it, but it is VERY POSSIBLE and it is worth it.

My son's birth was the most amazing experience of my life, thus the reason I am still writing about it almost a year later. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, because it did. There came a point when I was so tired, so discouraged, so hurting, so scared, and feeling so inadequate that I KNEW I couldn't birth the baby by myself. That is when I felt angels standing by me. I knew I wasn't alone, and that my baby wasn't alone. I felt that there were other women, women who had gone through the same experience, carrying me through the pain and the exhaustion. And when I finally was delivered I felt the most exquisite joy and peace. Imagine having the biggest adrenaline high you've ever had, mixed with the feeling you get when a baby smiles--- that is what I felt. It was overwhelming and it made ALL of the pain worth it a hundred times over.

• wakes up from his nap and the EXACT moment I happen to think about him;
• has to sit right in the middle of the newspaper when I am reading it;
• never gets full. I swear the kid is a bottomless pit! He ate more, proportionality, than anyone else at Thanksgiving dinner;
• doesn't cry at all when another little kid pushes him over, whacks his head on the floor, and then sits on him (on accident), but bawls when I accidentally bump his head on the door frame;
• wakes up at 6:00 EVERY morning and then takes a nap at 8:00.... why couldn't he just stay asleep UNTIL 8:00. Sob;
• is enthralled with tools. Honestly. If a screw driver or a hammer (real ones) don't make him happy-- nothing will;
• can cry like the world is ending one moment and then be smiling and happy the next moment-- here is an example.
  

Asher smiling at Dad before church



15 seconds later (honestly)

• can find things on the floor not visible to the human eye;
  
• likes to stick half eaten, slobbery food into my mouth. It is good he likes to share, but really...;
• is almost a year old and only has two teeth. I'm not worried about it, he is just a little slow in the teeth department, in fact I LOVE it-- his smile is so cute with only two teeth;
  
• would be perfectly happy to be chased around all day. All you have to do is get on your hands and knees, growl and then he is off like a bullet-- usually to hide in the corner;
  
• won't ever use his signs. He knows one or two but hardly ever uses them. He prefers to screech;
• only wants to eat bread-- okay actually I do understand this one-- like mother, like son;
• likes to play with oxygen tanks. There is a man in our ward who has an oxygen tank and Asher LOVES it. When he can, he spends most of Sunday school playing with it. Good thing the man is SO good natured and loves Asher, because sometimes Asher even tries to pull the oxygen tube out of his nose.

I just found this blog and think what the woman is doing is fantastic! She has been digging through old pictures in the Library of Congress to find pictures of women breastfeeding in public before the formula companies went on a campaign to make breastfeeding socially unacceptable (about the same time that birth went into the hospital-- hmmm... connected maybe?). They are AMAZING pictures. It really makes me even more upset at formula companies! Like I said before, I don't think formula is bad, but I do think that the tactics formula companies have used to get women to mistrust their bodies and give up control over feeding their babies is WRONG! I hope that seeing these pictures will help women realize that we have been duped, and that our bodies are not just sexual objects or dysfunctional, but are beautiful, sacred, and powerful. There is something innately beautiful and sacred about a woman and baby breastfeeding, and it makes me mad that people try to sexualize it.

My favorite is this one, you know that the baby must have been fussy and the mom just said "okay, I give up. I'll just keep it out and you can have it whenever you want it". I also really love this one. I think it captures the amazing feeling of love and bonding between a mom and her breastfeeding baby.

Several years ago I inherited 5 or 6 boxes of family history from my mother. I've been lugging it around with me all this time, but hadn't ever looked through it. This week I decided to delve into it to see what was there, and I found a TREASURE TROVE! One box was FULL of letters and journals from my great grandmother Florence Grace Pettes Thacker. The letters go as far back as 1922 (maybe further) and include the love letters she and her husband Gerald Quincy Thacker wrote to each other when they were courting. There are about 300+ letters, 20 journals, newspaper clippings, odds and ends, a lock of my grandmother's hair when she was a baby, pictures, and even the ration books they used during WWII that still have the ration slips in them! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself! I'm going to start transcribing the letters today.

Also, as I was digging through the letters I found and email from one of my grandmother's cousins. I knew it was a long shot, but I tried the email and.... IT WORKED! He wrote me back and told me that he was thrilled to find me and told me that he was VERY active in family history and that they even had a yahoo group for the Pettes Family that I could join! I've meet several more of my grandma's cousins and I feel like a long lost daughter finally being found. It is the most AMAZING feeling. I can't wait to get started on my great grandmother's history. I can feel her cheering me on. I've never felt like this before, and I can really feel the presence of angels who are interested in seeing me succeed. They are counting on me. I now know Malachi meant when he said,

"Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." (Malachi 4:5-6)

On Saturday Jon and I were shopping and I found THE CUTEST little girl dress, and I bought it. Gasp. No, this isn't an announcement, I'm not pregnant. But I just couldn't let this

little dress pass me by (this isn't the exact dress, but it looks very similar). I knew that if I didn't buy it someday when I have a little girl, I would spend the rest of my days looking for one just like it. I'm kind a of a sucker for anything "sailor-y". If I could find a little boy outfit like this, that would be perfect! Anway, the dress was a steal and I figure that maybe next time I do get pregnant God might just send me a girl seeing as I already have the perfect dress for her. If not, I guess I'll just have to pass it on to someone else. OOOh little girl clothes are so cute, no offense to boy's clothes, but it would definetly be more fun to shop for a little girl.

A.T. has been cruising up and down the stairs like a pro for the last few weeks now. First he mastered the art of going up, not an easy job on our VERY narrow and steep stairs. Then after several days of Jon giving him "stair lessons" he learned how to go down them. Usually he goes down pretty slow but the other day his foot slip and he slid down fast on his tummy. When he got to the bottom of the stairs he stared at me with a terrified face and gave a little whimper. Then once he saw me laughing broke out into a skeptical grin. He takes them very carefully now. The next thing he needs to learn is how to turn himself around with his feet pointing down the stairs. He still tries to start going down with his head first. He's had a couple tumbles, but luckily we only have three small stairs before it gets to the landing. Still, it makes me nervous. The more my baby becomes independent, the more worried I get! I have a feeling it just gets worse.

What a great day! I just got back from the Utah Doula Association Fall retreat, and it was wonderful! It got me all fired up about birth and motherhood-- not that I was really ever cooled down about it. It was amazing to be around women who have so much passion for birth, and who don't look at you like you are a leper when you tell them you had a home birth! Woohoo. I feel like I could write a thousand posts about how wonderful birth is, don't worry I won't. But I have to get some of the enthusiasm off my chest or I might burst (or Jon's ears might fall off).

Women, our bodies are amazing! There is NOTHING more miraculous in this world than the fact that women's bodies create other human beings. Think about it, every human being in the world was created from the parts of another woman's body. Every human being was once carried beneath a woman's heart. We all share that common bond. Not only is birth a miracle, but the whole process of labor is amazing. Every time I see a birth I can't get over the fact that for a few hours women become wide open channels between heaven and earth. They bring new life to a dying world. I can't think of anything more awe inspiring than a woman in labor. To see her endure, overcome, and discover her inner power. Women are really so much stronger than we give them credit for being.

Okay that is all I need to say for now, but I'm sure I'll write more later. Anyway, it was a great day, and the doula conference further reinforced my belief that all women need a doula. Oh, and I decided to use my heatherlady blog as the website for my doula business.

This morning I rocked Asher to sleep for a nap and thought I had him out cold. I laid him in his crib, still thinking he was sound asleep. BUT then I noticed he had this funny little smile on his face. I bent down to look closer, thinking to myself "Oh how cute, he is having a good dream". Then right when my face got close to his the smile got WIDER, his eyes popped open and he began to laugh. "Ha, just kidding mom!" He was TOTALLY faking it! The little stinker. I think I'm in trouble when this boy turns into a teenager.

So I think I've changed my mind-- I can do that you know. One of my friends pointed out to me that you can change the settings on your blog so that your blog won't be picked up by search engines (you go to "settings" and under "basic" there is an option to make your blog unavailable to search engines). I VERY much appreciate this little tidbit of information, because knowing this, I feel much better about keeping my blog public. I really was dreading making it private, but also didn't like people googling pictures of my nursling. Hopefully this will give me some measure of privacy and security. So I think that for now I've officially changed my mind and have decided NOT TO MAKE MY BLOG PRIVATE. I am still going to keep my heatherlady blog, even though I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do with it. Maybe a scripture journal blog? A place for excess thoughts? Random pictures? Hmm... I guess you'll just have to be surprised.

After MUCH deliberation I've decided to make this blog private. I've been keeping track with my SiteMeter who visits my blog and how they get there. Mostly it is people I know, but there is an alarming amount of people (from all over the world) who get to my blog by googling for pictures. Call me paranoid, but it REALLY bothers me to think that Asher could end up on a PowerPoint presentation in Indonesia. I just can't with a good conscience post pictures of my son on the Internet and not know who is looking at them, or where they will end up. So, that is why I am going to make it private.

BUT, wait don't despair, I have started another blog called Heatherlady that will be public.This is my plan-- to post pictures and daily happenings on my Heathon blog, and opinions, Wednesday's Woman updates, thoughts, and other assorted ramblings on my Heatherlady blog. I REALLY hope that if you have been following my blog you will still keep up with it. I means SO much to me, really it does. So please add the heatherlady blog to your Google Reader, blog list or however else you keep track of blogs. I know Google Reader doesn't pick up private blogs, but I will have a link to it on my new blog, and I hope you'll check back in often.

Also, if you would like an invite to keep viewing this blog, PLEASE leave your email address as a comment (I won't make them public, so don't worry). I will try to send an email to everyone I know who reads this blog (and who is on Facebook), but it would be helpful if you left your email anyway.

Is it sad that this is all too true? I'm trying to make "real" friends, but it is a slow process when you move to a new place!

So someone felt sorry for me after my little pity party, and I have now been OFFICIALLY tagged! Yes!!! So now I get to tell you all 6 random things about myself.

1)I like to brush my teeth with hot water. Think about it, you wash your hands with hot water, your body with hot water, your face with hot water, why don't you wash your teeth with hot water? Hmmm?

2)I love to read obituaries.

3)I have a fascination with picking things out of people's ears. I get positively giddy when Asher has wax clumps in his ears. I think I would be happy to be reincarnated as a monkey.

4)I hate the smell of skunks (Jon likes it) but LOVE the smell of cows. It reminds me of home, especially if I can hear rain birds (big field sprinklers, for all you non-farmer types).

5) I'm a bat. I like lights dim, and especially WON'T turn the full light on in the bathroom. I either turn on hall light or a back light. This drove my roommates crazy in college, and after months of trying to get ready in the dark Jon finally installed a light that dims in our bedroom and bathroom.

6) In college I joined the electrical car team for two weeks. The team built and designed electric racing cars. I was the only girl, part of the appeal, and the only non-electrical engineer. I didn't (and still don't) know anything about cars or about electrical engineering. I mostly joined because the guy in charge was cute, but I did learn what a capacitor is.

Now you know my deep dark secrets.

I tag

Becky R.
Emma
Robyn
Jamie W.
Melanie
Esther
Jasmine

Unless you have already been tagged and don't want to do it.

Last night we (as in only Asher and his little mother-- because they were "babysitting" in Idaho) had the HARDEST NIGHT we've had since Asher was 2 months old. Let me tell you the sad tale.

The little nursling went to bed around 7:30 PM, like usual, but then woke up again at 11 PM. His mother, me, had not as yet gone to bed because she was reading a really good book (Dracula-- which I highly recommend as good October read--it will scare your socks off). She went upstairs thinking that all it would take to calm the raging nursling was a quick shot of breastmilk. Nope, 3 hours later (2 AM) she still had not got the nursling back to bed. She pulled out every trick in her hat, rocking, singing, stroking his hair, laying in bed with him, patting his bottom, rubbing his back, breastfeeding, massaging his legs, blowing in his face, but nothing worked. Even the NEVER FAIL trick of rocking him while listening to the running water in the sink FAILED. She was in despair and tears. Several times (literally 20 times) she got the nursling TOTALLY asleep, I mean he was snoring, and then AS SOON as she put him down he woke up and screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. Finally, after several episodes of bawling (on the Mom's side)she finally came to realization that she was NEVER going to be able to put the baby down. So, she laid him on her tummy and they finally fell asleep. Yet fate was against the lovely mother this night, because only 2 hours later (4AM) she was awakened by a little nursling poking her in the eyes.

That was my night. Sob. And I have to admit that I did not handle it well. I was SO tired and frustrated that I found myself doing all the things I told myself I was never going to do. Like spanking him! Oh man, I get the "bad mom award". Even thought it wasn't hard, I felt SO bad after. It just made both of us cry harder. Maybe this sounds REALLY bad, but I can see how some babies get shaken to death. Not that I EVER considered it,but because I can see how a parent, especially a single mom, could get so exhausted and worn out that she would take her frustration out on the baby. It just made me realize how important it is that ALL parents, especially moms, have the help and support they need. I have a new respect for moms who have to do it on their own.



My cousin sent me some links about "sleep regression" which made me feel better knowing that there are other mothers suffering too. I didn't know this, but at about 10 months babies go through a growth spurt and have an exceptional amount of brain activity because of all the new things they are experiencing, like teething, crawling, walking, etc... This extra activity makes it hard for them to take naps and to sleep at night. It also makes them very clingy and want to be held all the time (sounds familiar). I am encouraged by the fact that this is just a developmental stage and I should try to enjoy it.

Even so, I just need to remember what my Dad told me when Asher was first born. I was complaining about how much he cried and my Dad just turned to me and said, "Be grateful that you have a crying, healthy baby, because there are many mothers out there who wish their sick baby would cry." That humbled me quick. Because as hard as it is to have a crying baby, a silent sick one would be MUCH harder. It is just hard to be grateful at 2 in the morning!

Asher can crawl up stairs! He is really proud of himself and claps every time he gets to the top. It makes me nervous, because while he is good on the going up part he hasn't figured out how to go down. Janet, he might be ready for "stair lessons" now!

Asher has two teeth. The front bottom two came in this week. I swear for each tooth there were about 50 fits of crying that went along with it. And almost as many missed naps. Please tell me that he will take a nap again SOMEDAY! Sob.

Asher is FASCINATED with my dad's dog Mickey. The poor dog has been poked in the eyes about 10 times in the last day. Asher just crawls along behind, chasing her all over the house and trying to talk to her. She's a very patient dog.

Asher went on the trampoline for the first time. He loved it.

I've been busy making apple sauce, apple butter, pear sauce, pear butter, plum syrup and grape juice. Pretty good for a girl that didn't know how to can a year ago! It is SO satisfying to eat things that I've "put up". I might have to practice my syrup because it is a little thin. Next time I'll boil it longer. I owe all my new found abilities to this book, the best DI (thrift store) find of the year.