Do I Amuse You?

It's an option.

If traffic is coming, you fucking wait until your light changes to green.

It's not a stop sign.

We're not taking turns.

And when you do pull out, like I wish your father had in 1977, you don't do it slower than Steven Wright on a bottle of Lunesta and four pints of Sangria during a Congressional filibuster. You hit that accelerator like Marty McFly and rocket to 88 MPH. Asshole.

I don’t have a “Choose Civility in Howard County” magnet on the back of my car to say I’m better than you (that’s what my BTRTHNU vanity plate is supposed to convey). Admittedly it goes against my original bumper stickers & ribbon magnets rant (http://morucci.blogspot.com/2006/01/bumper-stickers-ribbon-magnets.html), but it’s still important to me to say: “Caution: I allow other drivers to slide in front of me instead of closing the gap. I try to leave a car length or two in front of me so I don’t have a bruise on my fivehead when it smacks the steering wheel after you've decided to suddenly stop in front of me. And, no, I’m actually not better than you.”

Today is the first autumn snow in my area. Although most of us learned water freezes at 32° F, most of us seem to ignore that fact and think tire friction must somehow heat the roads, keeping them safe. So we drive business as usual.

I understand you, monsieur ou mademoiselle "offensive" driver, need to be somewhere. It may not be obvious to you (so read this slowly) but, in fact, everyone out there driving needs to be somewhere. That’s probably why we’re all driving. You may think you need to be wherever “there” is before me, or are somehow entitled to be “there” before me, and that I’m the one person in the universe holding you up, but that actually can’t be determined from your vantage point.

When it’s snowing, and the air temp is 28° F, and all those signs that say “Bridge Freezes Before Roadway” still don’t remind you you’re being an ass, front-end damage to your car and engine just might after you finally (or once again) hit someone.

Riding my bumper like a dog sniffing another dog’s bum won’t tell you my emotional state, though it certainly has an effect on it. And it definitely won’t motivate me to move any faster or get out of your way. Flashing your lights or driving in mini-slalom fashion doesn’t do it either. Screaming at me red-faced in silent futility and pounding your steering wheel really just entertains me. And I’m not even in the left “passing” lane so you’ve just got to stop. All-important you is going to hurt someone, so please do us all a favor and get over yourself.

Spoon your partner, not my car. Thank you.

OK, it’s been a while so I apologize. I’ve had writer’s block and nothing seemed that funny to me. Today, my buddy Don suggested a rant (you’re a savior!), and I knew what he meant immediately. First, we’re not talking about the “spontaneous” stadium event where people create a human wave of bodies that crest in unison, yet never in synch with an actual defensive play or point scored. That wave I hate. Truly. However, I do enjoy when a second wave is started, and it ends up canceling out the first, just like a giant physics experiment. People, it’s not original, clever, cute or remotely fun. Look, if you’re going to start something in public, why the wave? Why don’t you call out a racist, or a homophobe, or a misogynist? “Hey. That shit ain’t funny and neither are you. If your IQ 22 cousin-parents were here instead of the Monster Truck Klan Rally Revival, I’d bitch-slap them for the horrible job they did raising you. I guess since they’re not here I’ll just have to just bitch-slap you.” Wa-pow!

No, the wave Don was speaking of is the “much obliged” wave you get when letting someone in on the crowded highway. You know, the way it used to be when folks would thank you properly for the favor. You see a motorist in the left lane that’s about to end, and their license plate is out of state, and there are no gaps to be found in their need to merge right. So you slow down and let them gracefully slide on over. The courteous thing for them to do is wave their hand in front of their rearview mirror, acknowledging your random act of kindness. But it rarely (if ever) happens these days. Why is that? If someone does you a solid, at least acknowledge the gesture.

Even the asshole who isn’t from out of state, who flies up the left lane, whipping in at the last minute to be as far ahead in line as physically possible before being run into a ditch – and feels so self-important and entitled that he deserves to be in front of everyone else. Even that guy used to throw up a wave, as if you meant to let him in. It would almost make you laugh. Almost. (Secretly, I would hope for the photon lasers lying dormant in my eyes to finally energize and blast the hell out of the back of his Acura Integra, or Ford Windstar, but the probability of that happening is pretty remote. About as remote as ExxonMobil, ShellTexaco and AmocoBP giving back the unregulated profits they’ve stolen from all of us, and will continue to do so until we find a way to travel that doesn’t require fossil fuels. Ironically, they didn’t have the courtesy of administering petroleum jelly, which they have in sheer abundance, before drilling us, the US consumers.)

Look, whether you’ve been given the gap or you force one, toss a wave. It won’t kill you and it may prevent the back of your vehicle from being laser-torched, or rammed, or accidentally bumped, or given a really nasty look from the driver behind you.

Today, people have bumper stickers on their cars from the 2004 election. If your candidate won, congratulations. And thanks for that. Really. If your candidate lost, get over it. Move on. Either way, scrape it off – Windex and a razor should do the trick.

The yellow ribbon magnets have replaced today’s bumper sticker: Support Our Troops. Originally, someone would tie a yellow ribbon around a tree to show loyalty to a loved one, typically as a welcome home for a soldier returning from war. Yes, the Tony Orlando song made it famous. Today, they’re magnets. And that’s cool, if it represents true support for the troops. If it says “Go Steelers”, you’re a jackass. For two reasons.

I guess if I was cool, I'd have a baller band that would state my cause (like Susan G. Komen Foundation, LiveStrong or One), or perhaps my favorite team. I'm not cool.

I don’t have bumper stickers all over my vehicle talking about my kids, my candidates, or my favorite political action commitee. If I did, I would have only one sticker that would say this:

If you really want an opinion, get to know the driver first.