Do I Amuse You?

I wanted to try something new. I love Twitter simply for the clearinghouse it offers my brain for jokes, especially the ones I'm not using in a script. But tweeting a joke is like pouring a Dixie cup of water into the Atlantic. They still make Dixie cups, right? I'm tossing 140 characters or less into a stream of millions of other tweets posting at the same time. So I decided to go fishing in my own Twitter stream (apologies), and paste some of those jokes here. With Twitter's embed feature, they look prettier than a copy/paste. And because they're embedded, I'll stick to a monthly post so it doesn't take too much time to load. Enjoy!


Jokes

Polishing my guitar. #NotAEuphemism
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 24, 2014

But what if my Dad isn't graduating? @Hallmark

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

No matter how angry I get, I'll never stoop to calling a woman the "C" word: Coulter.

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 13, 2014

"If you notice any of these symptoms, call your doctor..." I haven't had a "your doctor" since I was nine. And his name was "Mom".
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 12, 2014

Apple to purchase Beats by Dre for $3.2 billion. Could be like Dad trying to put on your skinny jeans. You said everyone cool wore these!

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 10, 2014

On the Serious Side

Reading #YesAllWomen tweets for 30 minutes. Taking it all in. Honest, courageous & necessary. And very sad. Raise all boys to be kind men.

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 25, 2014

Whether your celebrating, honoring or remembering, I wish you all a very Happy Mothers Day! OK, Mom! Jeez! "Whether YOU'RE celebrating" ;-)

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 11, 2014

Reason # 1397 quitting my whorporate job to write full time was the best decision I ever made. I now love Mondays! #AmWriting

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 19, 2014

Well this feels kind of awesome! I'm on IMDB: http://t.co/zBAubwtBzO #ScriptChat

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 9, 2014

Our comedy web series @ClickTheSeries debuted this week! New ep coming Wednesday. Check it out here: https://t.co/yxSOhjhjfP #ScriptChat

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 5, 2014

From @midnight's Hashtag Game

#UndateableBecause they're either your parents or your roommates, not both. @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

#UndateableBecause you say "supposably" @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

The Second to Last House on the Left @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Ferris Bueller's Early Dismissal @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Mr. Smith Pops By Arlington @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Game of Clones: The Pew-Pew Wedding #WorseStarWars @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) April 30, 2014

My Google search for "blogtrasound" turned up no pages. What do I win?

Seriously.

These days it's nearly impossible to come up with something original that hasn't been written before.

I hear if you get a million views on YouTube you make mad cash. What do you get for empty Google searches?

Of course, now that I've written a blog about my crazy, meaningless, man-was-I-bored search, this moment in time is over. Blogtrasound will point to one page. This one.

The victory is empty, but it is mine. Almost sounds poetic.

I am in a wonderful, committed relationship with a woman named Barbara. When I introduce this woman I love, I say "And this is Barb, my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I'll be 50 in September.

I'm not necessarily a fan of labels, but I'm an analyst by trade. Quantification, patterns and labels come with the territory. As does obsessing over minute details and trivia. And something about the label "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" just doesn't sound right.

In the grand scheme of things, this labeling conundrum falls in between:

• If I'm really environmentally conscious, why don't I drive a Hybrid? and

• What is the appropriate second age (preschool being the first) when it's OK to wear shorts and a shirt of the same material again?

 But what's the alternative?

• My lady - Hello, 1972. Oh, how I've missed you.
• My woman - Stated like a true man proud of all his possessions, including his '86 Camaro.
• My partner - Too confusing. Yes, I'm a gay-rights activist. No, we aren't a law firm.
• My companion - I'm not 87 and she's not for hire.
• My steady - Hello, 1955. I wish I still had my letterman jacket. If A/V had a Varsity Club.
• My wife - We're not married. Yes, we'd love to talk with you, someone we've just met, about our personal decision of why, if ever or when.
• My common-law wife - I haven't checked the Annotated Code of Maryland recently to see if we qualify. If we do, can we share a health benefit plan? And we're not starring in our own reality series on TLC. Yet.
• My soul mate - Because that doesn't get old at parties when meeting couples who obviously aren't.
• My friend - Nothing screams non-committal more than this one. It also implies a hidden relationship. "This is... my friend, Barbara."
• My best friend - Absolutely true but doesn't highlight the romance. I also don't rank my friends. Believe me, I have at least eight best friends. Wouldn't it be fun to do, though? "This is Steve. He's in the Top 10. Oh, that's Dave. He was at three for decades. But then he wouldn't stop quoting FoxNews. He's been climbing up from eight since the election."
• My confidante - Maybe if I'm sharing my secrets by candlelight with my ghostwriter, in the Renaissance era.
• My main squeeze - Seriously? Maybe if I was a C.I. for Starsky & Hutch.
• My shorty - Sounds hilarious coming from me. She's taller. 
• My schmoopie, cuddle muffin, precious - Not enough Tagamet to even finish this one.

So unless someone comes up with a better alternative, I'm going to stick with girlfriend. Just know when I use "my" it means "in relation to me" not "possession". And she is my soul mate.

It's an option.

If traffic is coming, you fucking wait until your light changes to green.

It's not a stop sign.

We're not taking turns.

And when you do pull out, like I wish your father had in 1977, you don't do it slower than Steven Wright on a bottle of Lunesta and four pints of Sangria during a Congressional filibuster. You hit that accelerator like Marty McFly and rocket to 88 MPH. Asshole.

Have you seen these ridiculous articles for job-seekers?

I saw this title today in an email from Monster.com. Not that I'm looking. ;-)

I didn't read it. I decided to write my own. Really, it could be a gazillion things to never say...

Nine Things Never to Say in a Job Interview

1. What's your policy on masturbation?
2. Define "inappropriate".
3. Shouldn't you ask if I have ever been convicted fairly?
4. Do you have cameras in all the elevators?
5. In five years? I've never lasted anywhere more than three. You gonna finish that muffin?
6. I'm all about diversity. Like that Dutch chick in HR. Is she single...ish?
7. What's the maximum weight limit for that Minolta copier?
8. Are pants mandatory?
9. This is boring. Go Fuck Yourself.

Please fill the comments with yours! Like "Have you ever heard yourself talk? Wow. Good thing you're hot. Am I right?"

You see them everywhere. "Choose Civility" bumper stickers in Howard County, the county of my residence in the state of Maryland.

I could explain that "Choose Civility is an ongoing community-wide initiative, led by the Howard County Library System, to position Howard County as a model of civility. But I choose to let the fine folks explain that here.

I'm all for civility, and community initiatives, and definitely the Howard County Library. I've even blogged about this topic before, when someone stole my Choose Civility magnet here.

But what kills me are all the copies of this simple design, and all the sarcasm. Which, honestly, shouldn't surprise anyone in this era of perpetual cynicism.

Choose Senility, Choose Insanity, Embrace Hostility. Oh, I don't mind any of them. I just feel bad that it took me so long to finally join in. Here are mine:

I'm surprised Google hasn't sued me for neglect. Amazon has threatened to pull my blog from their Kindle service - my apologies to my one reader, Bryan. You deserve better than four posts a year.

I refuse to have a blog that just sits there collecting dust like my Galoob Star Wars micro machines still-in-package ACTION FIGURE set - who needs the stock market?

I have so much to say but have had trouble articulating the...words...on paper or screen. But I shall return. Soon!

Thank you for your patience. Please feel free to peruse the other 450 million active English-language blogs whilst you wait.

I haven't posted in quite a while. [CHOOSE YOUR EXCUSE HERE.]

But I am motivated to write for three reasons.

First, Amazon reminded me I haven't posted in forever and they'll dump my blog from Kindle availability if I don't. It's not that Amazon is threatening or foreboding; they just make a good point. The fact that they charge a monthly fee for blog subscriptions is stupid, and it's why I have no Amazon subscribers, including myself. I would actually pay a fee to Amazon to offer my blog through the Whispernet and not pass it along to readers. I'll recommend it and see where it goes.

Second, my friend and wonderful artist, Katayoon Zandvakili, @KatZandvakili publicly threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to have something posted by Friday. OK, in all honesty she sweetly said "if you post your blogs, I'll post too!" I'll be checking her blog tonight whilst enjoying Keith Morrison's contradictory storybook-style narration of a triple murder on NBC's Dateline.

Third, I nominated myself for Baltimore's Mobbies awards. Not this blog because it's been too quiet here -- and I'll hope for a nomination next year by someone other than myself because this thing is rocking -- but I did nominate my personal Twitter account, because I am very active enough on that, and bust out jokes that make me laugh.

Fourth, I actually have something to say. And I apologize for misleading you with suggesting there were only three reasons. Oh dear. I apologize again, because I didn't suggest or infer but indeed actually stated there were "three reasons."

So what DO I have to say? Simply this...

Dear corporate world: I am not a resource. I am not human capital. I am a human fucking being. When discussing "Who's gonna do this work?", please refer to me, and my fellow human beings, as "people."

How hard would that be? Not very.

I wanted to say "Dear whorporate world" but realized since I grab the cash off the nightstand every other Friday, the whore is me.

TV is my first love. And I'm a spreadsheet guy. I've written all about my obsession with both TV and spreadsheets here.

For 2011, I've done it once again. Poring through the various network and cable sites, TV blog sites, and the best episode guide on the Internet (epguides.com), I've taken the last few weeks compiling the following:

• A list of network and cable TV shows returning this fall, complete with the season number, network, premiere date and scheduled air day.
• A list of shows coming later this season.
• A grid for each day of the week with the shows, times, premiere dates and season number
• A grid for each day of the week with each show, times and dates for episode tracking
• And something new: a list of shows cancelled/ended in the 2010-2011 season

Get the Fall 2011 TV Collection of Spreadsheets here. If you just want a PDF of shows and premiere dates, that's here.

One of the things that disappoints me the most each year is investing my time in new programs that really capture my interest, only to have them cancelled, often in mid-story.

I was curious if it was common across networks, or if some may be more likely to cancel. Here is a ranking of the most shows cancelled after one season in 2010. Not ironically, NBC turned out to be the biggest loser, with 11 cancelled new shows, 3 of which had unaired episodes.

• NBC - 11 shows cancelled (3 with unaired episodes)
• ABC - 7 shows cancelled (2 with unaired episodes)
• FOX - 6 shows cancelled (1 show with unaired episodes)
• CBS - 5 shows cancelled
• Toon - 3 shows cancelled
• FX - 2 shows cancelled
• AMC - 1 show cancelled
• CMT - 1 show cancelled
• CW - 1 show cancelled
• Starz - 1 show cancelled
• Syfy - 1 show cancelled
• TBS - 1 show cancelled

From my list, that's a total of 40 new shows cancelled, 29 from the Big Four. I wonder how many will fall this season.

Of the programs cancelled, I was most disappointed to lose four very well-written and brilliantly acted shows:

• The Chicago Code

• Detroit 1-8-7

• Lie to Me

• Men of a Certain Age

Just a thought: I believe American cable needs to carry Canada's CBC, even if it's lagging behind the true release schedule, just like they've arranged with BBC America.

Anyway, I hope you find this helpful or mildly interesting, or you feel better about yourself knowing you don't suffer from such an obsession. Or high-five if you do!

Cheers!

Maybe there isn't an official Improv Nation, but I still feel part of one.

This weekend, the Baltimore Improv Group is hosting its fifth annual Baltimore Improv Festival at the Creative Alliance in Baltimore.

I took some improv classes a few years ago to help with my writing, and to deal with stage fright (as a guitar player, not an actor). I made friends, joined a troupe for a while and learned a ton. I'm going tonight to see my good friend and former troupe-mate Chris Kojzar perform with Training 4 Prom, as well as to see other outstanding troupes, both local and visiting. They include Mr. Licorice, Michael Loves Greg, Population: 6, Plan B and Gus!

I'm also going to reunite with friends who are former classmates/troupe-mates. Like I've found with the writers community, improv is also a very welcoming, supportive and fun collection of talent and love.

Throughout my training, I remember constantly hearing "it's not about being funny." But as a performer, I craved the laugh. Over time I realized it's not about trying to be funny. It's not set-ups and punch lines. It's about honesty. The funny or the dramatic moment comes from an honest approach. Owning the character, the situation, the moment. Don't think it through. Be it.

The funny comes because it's not forced.

Here's an improvised example:

"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Tonight we need your help with setting our scene. Can someone give me an occupation?"

"Banker!"
"Phlebotomist!"
"Cosmonaut!"

"We'll go old-school with cosmonaut."

"Now we need an activity..."

"Hiking!"
"Masturbating!"
"Campaigning for prom queen!"

"I think we have a winner. Campaigning for prom queen."

It's not just the random hilarity of mish-moshing things that may not ordinarily go together. For this particular scene to be successful, the actors simply need to own it. And support each other. Now, everyone is waiting to see how the cosmonaut will campaign for prom queen.

I would probably attack this with a terrible Russian accent that would quickly devolve to Scottish/Latino.

"Nyet! Nyet! I want them toooo think I'm sex-ay, not a slut...ese."

Losing the accent is fine, as long as you don't let it go. Personally, I love how the accents change over two or three minutes.

I also learned if you're not having fun, no one's having fun. Simple, maybe even obvious-sounding advice, but I started to pay attention to everything I watched, and how I handled myself. When I got flustered, or too nervous, it blew the scene. And that doesn't mean you have to be smooth or perfect. Having fun, ESPECIALLY with the screw ups, connects you with the audience.

I often hear "I could never get up there." I thought the same thing. Nerves are natural but when you realize everyone is there to have a good time, and aren't expecting gold but often find it (and are delighted when they do), you really can do it.

Another bonus: I can't remember shit. With improv, there is nothing to memorize. Blank slate. Have fun!

Improv has helped my writing tremendously for two reasons. First, it gave me techniques to get out of my own head and really start to create. Secondly, it gave me a full appreciation of what it's like to be an actor with crap writing. I don't ever want to leave the character with bad lines, or worse, nothing to say at all.

So if you're within 200 miles of Baltimore, I strongly encourage you to hit the festival this weekend. Passes are cheap. The shows are phenomenal. And there are lots of classes for any skill level. It's truly one of the best things I've ever embraced.

And don't just take my word for it. Steve Kaplan thinks so, too. And he's a comedy genius!

Hope to see you there! Yes and...

What is wrong with me? How is it that it's been nearly two months since I've posted?

This took me 30 seconds to write. Granted, I'm not really saying anything but at least it's not two-months old.

Here's a quick thought: Facebook is slow today, Twitter is down and my Yahoo! server is blocked at work. Three problems that didn't exist for me a mere three years ago, from three services which are absolutely free to me. Except for the $700 iPad device from which I access them. No, it doesn't make me look cool. Yes, it actually has changed my life and I'm now 90% paperless.

This is a picture of me phoning it in. See, I'm even too lazy to be clever and just went with the literal.

I would like to vow that I shall no longer be pathologically pathetic and post more frequently, but I had the nerve to create a page called Daily Amusement that I last updated in December. So we both know I can't be trusted.

Until we meet again, [INSERT CATCH PHRASE HERE].

Ciao!

Although it seems to be promised, you can't have everything in a pill. And the long-term effects of what drugs can do to one's body, prescribed or otherwise, often aren't revealed for years.

GlaxoSmithKline is offering their latest miracle, Alli, the FDA-approved weight loss pill.

Just watch this ad and then we'll chat...


In their latest television advert, Cheryl Hartvigsen says, "As a pharmacist, I knew it would be safe because it's approved by the FDA."

Now there's a confidence-booster, because the FDA has never approved anything they later had to recall that may cause us harm. Except for all of those meds that ended up causing us harm that have been recalled. They even have a dedicated site of recent recalls.

Don't get me wrong. I want the FDA to review pharmaceuticals (holy crap, I spelled it right without spell-check!) - but with funding that relies on taxes, we get what we're willing to pay for.

Ironically, in the same commercial block I just saw the Alli spot, I also saw an ad for a law firm seeking Reglan users (now suffering from Tardive Dyskinesia) for a class-action lawsuit. Of course in advertising, lawsuit ads that replace the pharmaceutical ads just means more revenue.

Ms. Hartvigsen goes on to say "My husband's a doctor. And if he didn't think Alli was safe, he wouldn't let me use it."

This one really struck me. One, I guess we must assume he's an MD and not a PhD. Even so, his non-appearance is also a non-endorsement. Although it isn't illegal for doctors to endorse drugs in direct-to-consumer advertising as long as its disclosed (usually in fine print you can't read even if you were to pause it on a 60-inch, 3-D, high-definition home theatre system), it's discouraged by the AMA. So they may have smartly chosen not to have her husband appear in the ad. Yet, hearsay is inadmissible in court (according to all of the legal TV I love to watch) and in advertising, in my opinion.

Two, she assumes since he didn't stop her from taking it, it indicates it must be safe. Because doctors never lie. And neither do husbands.

Three, "he wouldn't let me use it" is just an uncomfortable expression - this is scripted so they worked very hard on word choice. If he is prescribing for family members, it brings its own set of legal/ethnical questions; plus, she the pharmacist and he the doctor (indirectly) receive financial compensation for this endorsement. Not exactly objective. Or did she mean he allows her to use it? For me, that can be interpreted as permission/control, even if it wasn't intended. Perhaps I need a pill for not letting the details go.

I'm not a doctor but for what it's worth, if you need to lose weight and have issues with diet, seek out a nutritionist, not a pill. Join or create a support group to reach your goals with family, friends or coworkers. Go to a gym. If you can't afford a gym (financially or life is just too busy), take a daily walk. If you can't take a daily walk, take a weekly walk.

I can see the recalls now. Can you?

People post too much information on Facebook. This is not a revelation, I know. And I'm not even referring to the terribly personal gems like "I just had another pap smear. Here's the JPEG..." Or "Prostate exams are a pain in the ass. Here's the JPEG..." That's information I think we can all agree does not ever need to be shared, even with your doctor, on Facebook.

No, I mean save something to talk about for the times when we meet up for coffee.

I went to a happy hour recently with some friends and coworkers, and they basically recited my latest news back to me. And I to them. And then we stared at our drinks, with nothing left to talk about.

So...how 'bout them Bears?

Don't let this happen to you. Leave some news, anecdote, pic or political rant for the social networking that's live and in person.

My shortest blog ever.

I feel better!

P.S. That's the Lucida Grande Facebook font, downloadable for free right here.

Muddle Age? That's a typo, right?

No.

OMG. What could that be? Did you read it on WebMD?

No. I made it up. But it's real, man.

It's when you double your age and realize, "Aw crap. No way. I'm not going to live that long."

For me, it's 94. No matter how organic my food, or how awesome my downward dog, it ain't gonna happen.

I live to write humorous posts (humourous for my Canadian/British friends; humerus for my pre-med). And it's not like I just stopped laughing, but I've been to five viewings/funerals in a span of eight months, and it kind of kills the buzz. Repeatedly.

In my mid-twenties, all my friends were getting married. In my mid-thirties, all my friends were having babies. In my early forties, it was mid-life. And now in my *mumble* *ahem* *cough* not-early forties, my friends are losing their parents. Luckily, mine are doing well in the blue/silver/beet-haired mecca we call Florida.

Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed to be here, to have known all of these people, and to still have my parents. But it's been kind of crazy, and I'm really hoping it's not a pattern. Not another "I'm at that age..." And laughing at Snuggies, idiot politicians or Family Guy just hasn't done the trick.

But the fact the term "muddle age" hit me when I was brooding about my writing hiatus inspires me, whether it's my own ability to persevere and think up goofy shit, or a little divine intervention giving me the nudge I've been pining for. Or maybe I overheard it.

But I just blogged about it.

♬ Bang your head / Muddle health will drive you mad ♬

Muddle on, fothermucker. Muddle on.

What?

Why would I ask such a question?

I'm totally serious, but not in a fashion sense. It's not about having officially licensed gear, your own nickname name on your jersey (with your age or #1), or squeezing one's body into Under Armour® like an overstuffed sausage casing. What I mean is consciously selecting what you wear to help your team on game day.

Tomorrow my Baltimore Ravens are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. And when it's game day, I have superstitions. When it's the playoffs, they're off the charts. And they're stupid. I don't really believe what I wear or don't wear has any impact on the game, but it allows me to feel a part of the game.

So I wear purple Hanes® (anyone else hear Hendrix?) boxer briefs, pictured...yeah right.

I also don a Ravens shirt or jersey. The problem is, I only have two shirts and there's a good chance I haven't gotten to the laundry. I won't wear dirty clothes. And I don't buy jerseys every year so mine are usually of former players. Now, if it's of a retired Hall-of-Famer, big props and we're headed to the Super Bowl. But if it's a released hack, or someone who plays for another team, I think that's actually bad luck. So then I might go with something that reflects team colors. Luckily, white is always an option if my time is the visitor. --Wow, I am a lazy-ass fan. These athletes work out all week and I can't even schedule a load of laundry.

There's no way I'm alone in this, so 'fess up, people. What do you wear on game day?

I realize that acronyms like WTF are ridiculously overused, but I don't know what else conveys my reaction to this particular ad more perfectly every time I see it. And because I still see it several times a day, I am compelled to comment. Also, because I'm incredibly opinionated, I feel compelled to comment. It's from a company called InventHelp®.

Don't get me wrong. I am a strong believer that it takes many failures before you reach success; otherwise, you're not really trying. And I'm very impressed with inventors and entrepreneurs. I even had my own business in the 90s. The statistic I heard quoted the most was: "Ninety percent of all businesses fail in their first year." So when I made it through my first year, I thought I was in the clear. Then I learned, "And after that, another 50% fail in the second." Suck.

My business lasted four years. It was fun and challenging but it just didn't provide a reliable, steady income. The only reason I started it? After being laid off in the recession of '92 (that wasn't acknowledged until '93), and 75 unanswered résumé submissions, I had to make more than Unemployment Insurance offered. OK there were only 74 unanswered submissions, but I really dodged a bullet not accepting that one job offer, which is a blog in itself.

My company was AlphaNumerics, a data/writing/computer service. Basically me for hire. It's still registered, and I still have one client.

Back to the commercial.



Here's a transcript:

"Do you have an idea for an invention or new product? Bill Schafer, co-inventor of the Splash Wash did. He came up with the idea while watching his children play. InventHelp submitted his idea to Wham-O®, maker of toys like the Frisbee® and Hula Hoop®. To find out how InventHelp can help you to try to submit your idea to companies, call for free information."

Now if it just stopped there, you might think, "Hey! They helped Bill. I have a great idea. Maybe they can make me rich!" But they close with this last friendly disclaimer, and not at a hundred words a second like so many other ads. And it makes me laugh every time:

"Bill Schafer made a financial gain with his invention. Bill's experience is not typical and most inventions are not successful."

Who would pick up the phone after that buzz kill?

P.S. My favorite Wham-O® product ever is Trac Ball®.

Let's face it. You can't have a horror movie without stupid people. Common sense tells one not to enter the household when the door jamb has been obviously crowbarred. If flicking the light switch has no effect and you're not in a thunderstorm, turn around and walk away. And do not go in the basement if you can see your own steaming breath, or if the kitchen has just hurled all of the cabinet contents straight at your head. Stupid sense says: grab a flashlight and investigate. Pajama bottoms and a ripped wifebeater will offer all the protection you need.

When your car breaks down, common sense says: call AAA and wait for a professional. Stupid sense says flip open the hood and check the belts and hoses. You will be able to diagnose and fix the problem yourself with a tire pressure gauge and some hand sanitizer. Besides, flares are for wussies. I'm pretty sure this type of thinking is why observation areas for a hospital's Operating Room are hermetically sealed and are not on the same floor. No one wants you rooting around an open chest cavity because you've watched three seasons of House on Blu-Ray.

Today, I've joined the ranks of stupid is as stupid does. It started out fairly harmless. I went outside to remove a vine that had taken over a large pine tree in the front yard. I grabbed a shovel and an empty trash can (tomorrow they pick up yard waste for recycling). But I forgot the gardening gloves, and didn't feel like going back inside. I was on a schedule. Not a real schedule; the kind you make up in your head when you get up in the morning.

The plant reminded me of milkweed, something I remembered as a kid, except this was 12-feet tall. And it had berries. But I proceeded on, cut it up with a shovel and my bare hands, and put it out for tomorrow's recycling. It's pictured above.

Stupid. I have no idea what this plant is. I could have looked for some gardening gloves, or looked up the plant online on my smartphone, but I was already in the front yard and that might have taken 120 seconds of my precious time.

Now, after searching the web for an hour, I have no idea what this plant is. Here's hoping it's not poisonous. Wait? I hear something in the basement, and the dogs are getting ancy. Better go check it out.

Yesterday I attended Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity, and Stephen Colbert's March to Keep Fear Alive. For those unaware, it was an invite to show solidarity among anyone who chooses to participate in downplaying the extremism fed to us by today's media. We're not at Civil War. We're simply desperate for objective information.

It was an afternoon of fun, interesting sights and civility in our nation's capital.

I'd like to tell you who I saw and what I heard, but I didn't arrive in DC until 10:30 AM. Knowing the Metro would be packed, most buses sold out and traffic truly insane, we chose to go by Amtrak. I live near BWI, and training in to Union Station was a breeze. Then we walked with lots of other folks to the Rally.

I'm pretty sure we actually did see Brendan Hines, who plays Eli Loker on Lie to Me, back at the BWI train station, but I didn't want to bug him. He's from Baltimore, so it's not out of the realm of possibilities. Yay! Celebrity sighting, and not just on a jumbo-tron.

I also saw a friend from work at the Rally, but she disappeared in the swarm before I could catch up to her.

I earned my first Foursquare badges, too. Not exactly a hippie moment, but the nerd in me was rejoicing.

The weather was fantastic. The atmosphere was true positivity. People smiling, displays of courtesy and lots of laughing - everyone was there to see the signs.

I was amused by a woman shouting "exact change only" at a food concession stand. Really? The lines were really, really long. I'd think after selling 200 hot dogs in 20 minutes, they'd have "change" again.

But never really planning this trip other than over a conversation Thursday night - "Hey, I was thinking about going to the Rally", and arriving so late, we couldn't get anywhere near, or even within earshot of, the stage. We got onto the lawn for a moment, but the density of people per square inch was tighter than [insert inappropriate sexual referene here] and just way too high for a 47-year-old who becomes a claustrophobe in crowds. At my age, personal space isn't just a right, it's a necessity. I was also carrying a small backpack for my camera, camcorder, cell phone, Kindle (WTF?) sweatshirt, mints - no, it's still not called a purse or a murse - that quickly became a hook for the swarms moving through, and I was spun faster than the "news". That was inside the gates. Outside the gates, where there were also lots of people but some breathing room, I was able to shoot some video, which may give you some perspective of the sheer numbers constantly pouring in. I'm not sure where they all ended up because this bitch was packed. But everyone seemed friendly and congenial.



This wasn't like a concert for me. I didn't need to see the stage, or be in any particular spot. I went because I wanted to be part of "it", whatever "it" was going to be. I love The Daily Show, and I like to believe most Americans are middle-of-the-road thinkers, who respect valid points from different perspectives, who support smart spending and helping neighbors when they need it, and appreciate a civil dialogue, even if it gets a little heated. I also assume they do not appreciate being force-fed hype, sensationalism or pure bullshit by spin-meisters from any side. And, there are a lot more than two sides.

I was hoping to hear the actual speeches, songs and stand-up routines, but I'm sure there's a DVD coming, and I'll be the first to buy it.

I'm glad I went. The dreamer in me hoped I would bump into Jon and the producers of The Daily Show, impress them with my wit and be invited to an after-party, and ultimately offered a writing gig. And a hot dog. But I didn't even bring a sign, let alone my résumé.

And yesterday wasn't about me. It was about us.

Now I know how Conan feels. Minus the 30 million, a new show on TBS and a third-row seat at the Emmys. But let me take you back in time before I discuss last night's half-assedy of execution by NBC of Tweet the Presenters.

In 1987, an open casting call aired on MTV for The New Monkees, a new sit-com based on the old sit-com of a fake-real band (Mike, Micky, Peter and Davey). I was 23 years old, a singer/keyboardist/guitar player, and hungry. I took a train to New York, and a cab to the audition. I was pumped!

Here's what I didn't know: 5,000 people would already be there. It was a national casting call. Why was I surprised? I stood in line for over five hours. There were signs posted along the way that basically said, if you stand in line, you convey rights of your likeness, image, silhouette, voice and soul in perpetuity to the Empire (Viacom I think). MTV itself was filming at different times. Mark Goodman interviewed someone about three people in front of me. By that point had he interviewed me, it wouldn't have been pretty. I was convinced it was all a conspiracy, just a marketing stunt, there was no serious audition, I was an idiot, and we were all there for episode one. For free.

By the time I got to the audition room, they were running us in a few at a time. There was a piano, I had my guitar and none of that was needed. No one was playing. I sat a table for 17 seconds. A dude asked me two questions and I was sent on my way. No chance to perform; no chance to audition. Done. I was disappointed, but also aware actors did this shit every day. Who was I to complain? At least I took a shot, and by "a shot" I mean pay for train tickets, cab, and stand in line for five or six hours, not get interviewed by Mark Goodman and not audition. I was young. I got over it.

I was half right. It turns out two of the band members were already cast - actors do get invites for real auditions, as they should - and according to web accounts, two others made it through the open call. Good for them. So there were some real auditions at some point. The show didn't do very well. No, I don't take total pleasure in that.

Flash forward almost 20 years. G4TV announces an open audition to join Kevin Pereira as his cohost on Attack of the Show. Much better opportunity! I've been following this show since it started as the Screen Savers on ZDTV (Ziff Davis Television), then Tech TV, and then Comcast's G4 before morphing into AOTS.

I was a communications major, I've done radio, I'm a tech guy, I'm comfortable in front of a camera, I've had years of IT/PC experience, love comics, am a gamer, and I'm funny. I. Can. Do. This! They were auditioning in different cities. I followed them all week on G4. They even had a two-page script for prepping and I was ready!!

I'm on the East Coast so it was back to New York again, this time in record-breaking heat. The line wasn't as long as 1987's, but in heat like that it didn't matter. People in line were very nice (and I was hoping CPR certified) and we all made the best of it. There was only one serial-killer looking guy - we got him whatever he wanted and never made eye contact. G4 itself was filming at different times--Hey, wait a minute...

My favorite part? The auditions were upstairs, the elevator was broken, and there was no air conditioning in the building. I thought I might actually pass out in the hallway. When we finally got to the door, they were taking 12 at a time. I'm not kidding. Some folks were nice enough to tell us about their auditions during the day - when they were still auditioning one at a time. By the time we got there I guess the casting company was hotter than we were - so they asked one group question to all 12 of us and wanted a simultaneous response while they videotaped. A cacophony of nonsense. Motherfucker! They got me again.

I did see myself on G4 later that week in a quick pan. That was...cool. Olivia Munn eventually got the gig. Nobody in line looked like Olivia. And she surely didn't have to stand in the heat with us hopefuls. Of course she rocked the part. Her career is taking off and she's now a correspondent on the Daily Show. I'm sincerely very happy for her. If the Daily Show started auditioning writers, I'd stand wherever they told me for as many days as it would take.

But I'm reminiscing. What I really want to talk about are last night's Emmys. The Glee intro was phenom. Jimmy was a great host. And NBC had been hyping up Tweet the Emmys all week. This is an excerpt from the dedicated page on their web site:

"For the first time in Emmy history, you can be a part of the live broadcast via Twitter. Sign into your Twitter account in the box below and then click on one of the Emmy presenters. Tweet something about them and Jimmy may use your tweet as part of his introduction for those presenters during the show! ...Jimmy & our staff will be reading and choosing tweets up to and during the live 2010 Emmy Awards which start at 8E/5Pon Sunday August 29th on NBC."

Forget about visions of being in front of the camera. I've been writing for years, and my dream job is to write for television. It's no secret, it will happen and I'm patient. And there's no such thing as too much practice. But this week's Tweet the Emmys really had me excited. I am a realist. Even if my tweets were good enough, there would be thousands rolling in. And it's such a timing thing. They need to be seen and read, and the way Twitter works, that's always a crap shoot.

Tweets are limited to 140 characters, and for this assignment I really only had 100 characters to work with, after having to include the presenter's full name and a 13-character #imontheemmys hashtag that allows the NBC staffers (OK the one intern who has the same hopes and dreams I do) to see them and sift for gold.

I think by the end of the evening, Jimmy stopped three times to read two tweets. That's a grand total of six tweets and they were awful. NBC hasn't broken any law (they did say "might") but they did break some trust - duping your viewers like that is pretty lame. I'm not claiming my tweets were the best, but I was hoping for just one to make it, or least hear some really funny ones submitted by others.

Here are my entries in the order I sent them since Thursday. You may have to look some of these people up (I did) for reference.

Jim Parsons: #imontheemmys will only present if Sofia Vergara accompanies him to his HS 15-year reunion. Ah. It's in the presental agreement

Stephen Colbert: #imontheemmys On Com Central he excels at exposing truthiness. His next assignment: infiltrate FoxNews & expose doucheyness

Tina Fey: #imontheemmys Sofia Vergara is hot, but meeting Tina Fey? I'd stare at my shoes, mumbling incoherently in awe of my comedy hero.

Matthew Morrison: #imontheemmys It doesn't matter what you say for this presenter, Jimmy, as long as it's with Auto-Tune.

Eva Longoria-Parker: #imontheemmys Hey @NBC. With full presenter names and a 13-character hashtag, that doesn't leave much room for the intr

Sofia Vergara: #imontheemmys I like my coffee like I like my women, just like our next presenter: hot and Colombian. ...or is that my weed?

Jon Hamm: #imontheemmys How is it your lovely, talented partner @JenniferWestfel only has 39 followers on twitter? Can't you hook a girl up?

Jeff Probst: #imontheemmys 2 yearly tropical vacations & demanding they strike "Get set" from his catchphrase "Survivors ready...go!" = Diva

Stephen Colbert: #imontheemmys Stephen Colbert is here! ...Expecting to walk out & then present the award to himself. That's so Glenn Beck.

Tina Fey: #imontheemmys Writer/producer/actor-no time in her crazy schedule to host Discovery Channel's latest: Parasailin' with Sarah Palin

LL Cool J: Boris Kodjoe: #imontheemmys Having an ab-fab flex-off between LL & Boris is not The Event. But it would crush in the ratings.

Stephen Moyer: #imontheemmys As a True Blood vampire with Sookie lust, HBO rejected his own promo suggestion: "Man, I wish I could tap that"

Blair Underwood: #imontheemmys Playing an African-Cuban president is no longer considered an Event. Playing a Black hiker on Funny or Die...

And I'm sure there was some comedy gold tweeted in. But we didn't hear it last night. What did they read? For Tina Fey "Someone one tweeted, Yeah. I'd hit that." For Sophia Vergara "Sophia is beautiful. And she is beautiful. Did I mention she is beautiful?" I know mine weren't great (I think my Probst line was presenter-worthy), but they didn't even fake it.

I might have actually missed all of this if my friend Jo hadn't told me about it last Wednesday. Thank you, Jo!!!!!!! And I had a lot of fun doing it. And there's no such thing as too much practice. Plus, Dot Com and Grizz (in Tracy Morgan's entourage on 30 Rock), both tweeted support for me. That was an amazing feeling.

Did I have fun with each of these experiences? Yes! Did I really expect to make it? Well, yes. Who hopes and dreams "maybe"? My issue: We were never given the chance. MTV wasn't casting, G4 wasn't casting, and NBC wasn't even trying.

I know it was all meant to generate buzz (which each effort did), and get some bodies doing something for free (which is part of the deal). We didn't expect compensation or miracles for any of these, but we did expect more of an effort on the part of the cattle callers.

Moo.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. There are many things I don't get to in the time I'd prefer, but it's no longer from procrastination or avoidance. It's from all this bloody technology that's supposed to make everything easier with instant access on-demand.

I don't know about you but... I'm now trying to keep current with my text messages, email (three accounts), Twitter posts, Twitter replies, Twitter friends, Facebook posts, Facebook comments, Facebook friends, writing two blogs, responding to blog comments, new blog ideas, reading other blogs, commenting on those blogs, pimping the works of others, smelling the roses, gaming, recording my podcasts, writing freelance articles, listening to my iPod, catching up on podcast subscriptions, learning new songs (guitar & sing), writing songs, breathe, recording videos, my day job, my girlfriend (and not just date nights), my family, my friends, travel, down time, TV (I loves my TV), movies (independent and mainstream), internet articles, magazine articles, a newspaper or two, books to read (I have PILES of books and new friends that are authors, mainstream and independent - a new Kindle DX will help organize but not necessarily get them all read), YouTube videos, YouTube video subscriptions, web series, crossword puzzles, and did I mention I'm writing two TV spec scripts and a screenplay. And then there's that thing I used to do...what was it called? Oh yeah, sleep.

So, procrastination for all intents and purposes is dead. I don't put off jack. I just don't have the time to get to it all. Wait a minute. What was that? My BlackBerry? My laptop? My other laptop? My smart Phone? My landline? The doorbell? A human? When is the last time I looked up? Maybe it was the oven.