Alright everyone it is nearly midnight and I'm planning on pulling out of the driveway tomorrow morning no later that 9:00a.m, if not before. I need to get to sleep! However, I wanted to give you all a quick post first.

I'm leaving tomorrow and not getting back home until July 6th. I have a lot of stuff planned for this trip and am very excited about going. Tomorrow once I get there I will stop into the stadium for a while and see the Coach's. After that I will be heading for my friend Jennie's house. I will be staying with her for this trip. Tomorrow night Devin, Jennie's oldest little boy is graduating from pre-school so I'm going to his Pre-school graduation. If I know me I will probably get all teary eyed watching my Devin perform on the stage. After the graduation we will more than likely go back to Jennie's house and just hang out. Tomorrow is also my friend Lora's little boy Luca's third birthday! I can hardly believe he is going to be three! Saturday we will all be heading to their house for the big birthday party! There will be tons of people there and I'm sure we will have a really good time. I think the rest of the weekend I will be just hanging out with Jennie and her family.

While I'm there I plan on catching up with a few of the Coach's wives that I haven't really gotten a chance to see during my other trips to Youngstown. I think some of us are going to get together and have lunch by the pool. It will be great to catch back up with them. I'm also going to get to spend some time with a few of the Coach's that Shawn and I were good friends with. The Coach's that I have kept in contact with and that I'm still really close to. I'm so excited to be able to just hang out and spend some time with my guys.

Also sometime during the week I will be awarded Shawn's awards for both the Big 10 Video Coordinator of the Year Award and the National Video Coordinator of the Year Award. As I've said before, there is going to be a mini press conference type of thing and I will make sure to post the link so you all can see that. I'm so excited to share this with all of you. I'm not sure of the day yet, but when I find out I will let you know. On that day please pray that I don't turn into a bawling basket case. I told Jennie that I will either be fine and have no issue's or I will totally lose it and end up crying through the entire thing. I'm hoping for no tears but we shall see what happens.

Then we head into the Fourth of July weekend. On Saturday Jennie is going to have one huge party at her house. We have lots to do to get ready for the party. I'm sure this is going to be tons of fun. I will be meeting a few members of her family that I haven't gotten a chance to meet yet, so I'm really looking forward to that. I'm also sure that there will be a camera or two floating around so I will make sure to take pictures for you. Many of you have been asking for pictures of me, so I will see what I can do for you. Then on Sunday a day of rest and relaxation and possibly a day of recovery after the big party. Then on Monday I will be heading back to Michigan.

So there you have it my week in Youngstown in a nut shell. I hope all of you have a wonderful Fourth of July and have a great week leading up to it.

Oh---just in case I don't update. I just found out tonight that Jennie's computer crashed so I'm not sure if I will be able to update or not while I'm there. I'm going to take my lap top, but I'm not sure it will work either. It is older than dirt and has a few major issues. So just in case I can't update or comment you will know why. If I don't update or comment during the 10 days I will be gone please don't leave me! I promise I will update as soon as I get home on Monday. Hopefully things will work out and I will be able to post at least a few times. Man I hope I can get to a computer sometime during my trip...I will go through blogging withdrawal!!! That is just not good!! Have to see what I can figure out.

Have a great Holiday and be Safe!!

Thanks again for following me and my life and for always leaving such sweet, wonderful and caring comments. You all are GREAT!!

So does that title make any sense to any of you? I'm thinking maybe not so let me try to explain.

The other day I was talking to one of the ladies in my 'group', and as we were talking I noticed that we both were referring and talking about our husbands like they were still here with us. I'm not talking about sharing memories or anything like that. I'm talking about the actual words we used while talking. Words like "ours", and "we". Versus the words "mine" and "I". Words like "likes" and "does" versus the words "liked","used to" and "did". Make any sense yet?

As we were talking I began wondering when I will stop talking like Shawn is sitting beside me. (I wish he was sitting beside me) When will I stop talking like he is going to walk through the door? As I've said before I know there is not a time table on anything grief related. I'm not going to make myself stop saying "I need to change the sheets on our bed." However, I do wonder when the time will come when I automatically will say, "I need to change the sheets on my bed." Will the time ever come? It feels weird to think that it will and maybe sooner than I would like it to. To me it will always be our bed. The bed and the head/footboard was the first real piece of furniture that the two of us bought together. Although, I've noticed when I talk about something with other people some of them look at me funny. They look at me like why does she keep saying 'our' when the 'our' is no longer, the 'our' is gone and is not coming back. She should be saying 'my' or 'mine' instead. I don't know, maybe I should.

I have noticed when I talk about Shawn I now talk about him in the past tense. I say things like, "Shawn loved to do that" or "Shawn lived for football season" or "Shawn would have been a great Dad." I know when talking about him I have to use the past tense, people will think I'm crazy otherwise. As much as it hurts and I mean it really does hurt my heart I'm "ok" with talking about Shawn in the past tense. What I hate doing is talking about "us" in the past. It makes me feel like I'm slamming the door on our marriage and on our relationship. That hurts far far worse. I think it's because it just sounds so final that way. I mean, I know it is final. I know Shawn is not coming back and I know that "we" are not going to continue. "We" and our relationship will now only live through my memories and in my heart. Makes me sad to think like that, but I guess it is the truth. However, at the same time I hate saying things like "We used to watch movies together" or "Our favorite place to eat was" Like I said I think it's just the finality of it all.

Within the last several months I have started to say, "I" instead of "we". Now I say things like "I want to go to the beach." and "I want to go to the gym" There are no more "we's" in my vocabulary. At least when it comes to the word "we" when it comes to talking about a relationship. Just so that you all know I really am starting to look forward to my future. I still have really hard moments and I'm sure I will for some time especially as the one year mark quickly approaches. The last few weeks I have also really began thinking about what I want to do with myself. The last several weeks I have been thinking about where I want my future to go and what I want my life to look like. I mean I've been looking at my life really hard. It's not the life I wanted or the life I would have chosen for myself, not by a long shot. However, I guess I have to try and make the best out of a really horrible situation. Otherwise I think I would go crazy. I don't have to like what happened to Shawn, our baby, or my life. I just need to learn to cope and deal with it in the best way. I would love more than anything to be in a relationship and have a great marriage again one day. However, at the same time I know that I will be just fine on my own.

Ok, I don't know maybe this doesn't make any sense to you guys reading. I don't know if this came a crossed like how I wanted it to, or how it sounded in my mind. You all maybe confused with all my, "We's", "ours", "I's", "liked", and "My's". I was just trying to explain how difficult it is to rearrange my vocabulary to reflect my life now. If you are confused with my words that is ok with me. I won't hold it against you :) It was just a thought I had in my mind and thought I'd try to share some more of my feelings with you all.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and comments. I'm loving reading and getting to know each of you.

Well I haven't done a random thought post in quite some time. So today is the day for such a post. Hope you all don't mind.

*I went out with three of the ladies I was telling you about a few posts ago. All of our husbands died unexpectedly within three weeks of each other and we are all 'young widows' Once a week we get together for a 'meeting' and lately have been starting to do fun things as well. Anyways, I went out with them today for lunch and then after lunch we went to go see the movie The Proposal with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. I swear to you all (in a good way) that this was one of the best funniest movies I have seen in a very very long time. It wasn't just the three of us laughing either, it was the entire movie theater. It was one of those types of movies where I had tears rolling down my face I was laughing so dang hard. It was great, and the whole movie was funny, not just the parts they show for a preview. It was a feel good, romantic comedy/chick flick with a great ending and I LOVED it. I do think that this is a movie that many guys would like as well. Run out, run out right now (well after you finish reading my blog) and go see it. It will be well worth your money! Oh- I forgot to mention. That I love Sandra Bullock, I mean can she be an prettier. I don't know what else to say about Ryan Reynolds besides H.O.T!!! I have always liked him as an actor, all the way back to the good old days of Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place. Anyone remember that show? I think he is a great actor, but after watching him in this movie I especially love him.

*On Friday I leave for my trip to Youngstown. I will be there for ten days and am so excited to be go!! I can't wait to see my friends, all of their kids and the Coach's. I feel like I haven't been there in forever. I haven't been there since the beginning of April and really need to go spend some time with my friends and have a change of scenery for a while. On July 4th we are having a big party complete with our own fireworks, this should be tons of fun and if you are lucky, I will take pictures and maybe, just maybe I will post a few of them. When I get back from Youngstown I will be home for just a week then I leave again to go see my other best friend Megan who lives in Chicago. I will be staying with her and her family for one week. We met at college in 2000 and have been great friends ever since. I'm really excited to meet her family! We have been friends forever but I have never met her family so it will be great to put faces with all the names I have heard over the last several years. I can't wait for my July trips!

*I have now been going to the gym and working out since the beginning of April. I go to the gym 5 days a week and some weeks I even go on Saturday depending on what is going on. I'm up to running 2 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill, lifting and doing a great ab workout. I really love how I feel after working out. I'm also happy to say for the second time in my life I'm starting to get muscle and that nice toned look back on my body. It's great!

*Thanks for all the great comments the last few days. You are all so sweet and have such great uplifting things to say to me. I've had many new readers and have really enjoyed reading some new blogs. I'm still in the process of adding the blogs to my blog roll. I will get there I promise. Oh and thank you to a new reader who suggested I put banana's in Bo's Kong and then freeze it. He LOVES it and it is a nice refreshing treat for him.

*Ok now for a few thoughts about 'mindless' tv. I hate to admit it but I have been watching lots of mindless TV the last few months and I guess I'm not ashamed to say I love watching it. When I watch it, it takes my mind off of my 'real life' problems. I have loved watching the Bachelorette this season. My top two are Kiptyn and Jessie and I can't for sure decide who the third guy will be, either Jake or Mike. Who do you guys thin? I think that Kiptyn just might take home the final rose. If not maybe he would be available for me (ha ha ha). A few weeks ago Megan told me to watch Tori and Dean on Oxygen. I set the DVR for it because I wasn't sure that a reality show about Tori Spelling was something even I could watch. Uhm, let me just say after staying up a few nights ago until 2:00 am watching three episodes in a row, I love the show! It is totally mindless, but I love it. Ok, on to Jon and Kate...have you all see the new commercial that is airing for Monday's episode? What do you think is going to happen? As much as I love watching the show I hope the choice that they are going to announce is that they are stopping the t.v. show. I hope they stop the show so they can work putting their marriage back together and start fixing their family. We shall see, what ever happens I'm sure it will be sad.

*Yesterday marked 10 months since Shawn has been gone. I can't believe that before I know it August will be here and I will be staring the 18th straight in the face. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about this August 18th. I made it through the day yesterday with only a few tears. I was cleaning out my closet and came a crossed a box that for some reason was not labeled. I didn't really want to look in it because I wasn't sure what was in it, but curiosity got the best of me and I ended up looking inside. It was a box of Shawn's clothes. His favorite T-shirt, shorts, and dress shirt to be exact. It was the box my favorite things that Shawn wore. Ugh! I sat on my floor put on his dress shirt and sat there and cried for a little while. It didn't last long and then I was ok. Even though I'm doing ok/good, it still sucks and I still hate that this is the life I have been living the last 10 months. I miss him and would do anything to have Shawn back here with me.

*Ready for some good news about Shawn? Remember a few months ago when I told you that Shawn had been nominated and won the award for the Big 10 Video Coordinator of the year award? Well, with winning that award he was put in the running for The National Collegiate Football Video Coordinator of the Year Award. Yes, I said "National" The awards were given out in mid-May. I hadn't heard anything so I had just assumed that Shawn did not win the national award. To be honest with you, I wasn't even that surprised about it, I really didn't think he was going to win that one. I was fine with that and was so happy with the fact that he was even nominated. However, last week the Head Coach at Youngstown called me to tell me that they had just found out that Shawn did in fact win the award for The National Collegiate Football Video Coordinator of the Year Award. Oh my gosh!!! I was so excited and happy when he called to tell me that. Next week when I'm in Youngstown, I will be presented with Shawn's awards! They are going to have a small press conference and everything, complete with pictures on the school's web page. Yikes!! When I get the link I will make sure to post it so you can all share in this with me. Once again I'm so proud of Shawn, proud to be his wife, and proud to accept the award on his behalf!

Wow that was a lot of random thoughts, sorry about that. Hope I didn't bore you to tears by reading all of that. Have a great weekend and I will be reading all of your blogs during the weekend as well.

A friend of mine brought it to my attention the other day that I haven't blogged about Bo in some time and she wanted to see pictures. So I thought today would be the perfect opportunity to do so.

Bo is now almost 9 months old. He is still very much a puppy but is getting so much better in other areas. He no longer tries to eat your toes or pull on your pant legs, that was getting oh so old. Almost all of my yoga pants have little holes in them from his sharp teeth. We are still working on sitting, staying, and coming. He does well with sit, but come and stay still need some practise. He is totally house broke and has been for some time. (Well when he isn't on a steroid...more about that in a few) Last month Bo and I went for another round of puppy school and the guy was AMAZING. So much better than the first round. We went to a guy who is like the Dog Whisper, no really I swear, this guy is wonderful with dogs and their owners and really tries to get to the root of the problem behavior and deal with it that way. During the month I learned many new things on how to handle Bo. He told me that many will come with time as Bo gets older. It was a great class and I can't wait to go back in the Fall. All in all Bo's crazy behavior is improving as he gets older, we still have things to work on, but I guess what puppy doesn't and I'm sure most of that will come with time and more practise. I also must admit that Bo still sleeps with me in my bed. Most of the night he lays on top of the covers, but when he wants to get under he will come up and paw at my shoulder for me to let him under the blankets. At first I didn't want him sleeping with me, but I actually don't mind now. He starts off in his crate and then around 1:00-2:00 he will jump in bed with me. Oh well could be worse I suppose!

Bo has also started going to Puppy Camp one day a week. Yes, you read it right, I said Puppy Camp. It is really like a daycare where you would take a child. The same guy who we took Puppy class from owns it and it is great for the dogs. There are 3 different playgrounds for the different size dogs. They take them swimming, on walks, and roller blading. Some dogs go every day while others go a few times a week. Bo totally loves it and comes home so so tired. When we walk in the door he jumps on the couch and pretty much stays there all day. Get this, when it rains or is too hot for the dogs they even have 2 indoor play areas with climbing structures for the dogs. The place is great, you should look into it where you live. Bo loves to play with his Kong. We found out he is allergic to cheese but if you put some carrots in here he takes it over to his mat and it will keep him busy for a long time.

First of all let me start off by thanking all of you who commented on my last post. How exciting!! It has been so fun getting to know all of you just a bit better. Several of the comments have been from people who read my blog but don't regularly comment. So it has been great getting to know them as well. From the looks of things I think I will be adding lots of new blogs onto my blog roll. I love to read new blogs and will be adding them over the next several days. Look for me to start making comments on your blog as well. This was fun, maybe I will do something else like this in the future.

I don't know what really made me go back and read my first post, but for some reason I did that this afternoon. Guess what I saw...? That one year ago today on June 15, 2007 I posted for the very first time. So today makes it my one year blogging anniversary!!! Wow, I can hardly believe it. Time sure does fly when you are having fun. Well, I wouldn't call the last year fun, but you know what I mean. For the people who have not been with me from the beginning here is the link to my first post. http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2008/06/post-number-1-introduction.html In this post I basically tell a little about our life, some about me, some about Shawn and a little about trying to get pregnant. It was a simple little post. I had two comments on that post and I sure was excited that I received those two comments! Those two comments came from two great blogging friends that I met on WebMd when we were all trying to get pregnant. Jayme http://thewonderfulworldofjayme.blogspot.com/ and Christina http://insidethemindofchristinah.blogspot.com/ thanks for the comments guys! Shawn used to tease me saying that we were such boring people that nobody would even want to read about our life let alone leave a comment. A few days later I received five comments on my post. I remember it was the first thing I told him when he walked through the door. I think Shawn would get a kick out of the fact that I get comments on my blog all the time now.

I now have 197 people who are signed up saying that they 'follow' my blog everyday. I have no idea how many people read my blog that are not signed up. Usually once a post I get a comment from a new reader. It still amazes me that people want to read about my life, especially now, it's not all happy anymore. My counter says that since January 19 that 88, 812 people have visited my blog. Again...this blows my mind. Who would have thought? Not me, that is for sure. When I started this blog on June 15 it was just a way to get things off of my chest so to speak. I really expected nothing out of it. I just started The Tale of Two Coins for something fun. However, as I wrote that post that night while sitting on the couch with Shawn I had no idea how drastically my life was going to change in only two months and three days.

On August 18 after I got home from the hospital I called another friend, Nicole that I met on the WebMD message board. I called her and told her about Shawn and asked her if she would do my posts for the next few days till I got back to blogging. Thanks Nicole! Since then my blog and my life have changed in drastic ways. Both are going in directions I would have never dreamt of. I am no longer married...I am a 31 year old widow. I am no longer pregnant...my baby is in Heaven. I am no longer "ShawnandJenny"...I'm Jenny who is finding myself and putting my life back together and looking forward to a new future, even though it's scary as hell.

My blog has also changed directions as well. I would have NEVER EVER thought that my blog would be helping people. I get emails several times a week from people thanking me. Thanking me for what you ask? Well people who read my blog have written me and thanked me for 'saving' their marriage. GASP!! They have told me by reading my blog and reading about what has happened to me has helped them learn to appreciate their marriage and not take things for granted. People also tell me that they love their husbands more and take the time to tell them that everyday since reading my blog. I have also gotten several emails from friends or family members of other recent widows asking that I reach out and 'help' them as well. I don't know if I should be giving advice to anyone, however I have enjoyed getting to know these other widows as well. I have also received emails from people thanking me for informing them about heart attacks. Two people have told me that because of my blog and knowing that Shawn died of a sudden heart attack they urged their husbands to go to the doctor and have their hearts checked out. Each had a heart condition that they did not know about and after going to the Dr were scheduled for surgery that saved their life. Wow!! I've said since the beginning that through my pain I want to be able to help others. Three of my best friends Jennie, Megan, and Lora say taking care of people is what I do best. Well, I guess if my reading my blog saved another person's husband well then that is just wonderful.

Within the last year my blog has come to mean so much more to me than just spewing about my day. It has been my journal of sorts, a place of comfort for me. A place for me to come to and write my thoughts, emotions, questions and feelings down. Many times when I write my posts I will cry, writing gets my feelings out which in turn makes me cry. Which if you ask my friend Sarah http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/ she will say is a good thing. (I hate the crying part that comes with grief) Through this blog I have met and become friends with so many great people. It still amazes me the amount of support that I have received from my readers. You guys all rock!! Many people tell me that they think about me and pray for me everyday. A few of my readers have even told me that I have been added to their prayer chains at their church. Again...Wow! I would like to thank each and everyone of you for reading my blog and helping me through this time.

I don't know what The Tale of Two Coins will look like in the next year. Much like I don't know what I will 'look' like in the next year. Only time will tell and only God knows. One thing I know for sure. I will keep writing, this blog will be kept going. I imagine that I will still talk about Shawn, the life we had, the emotions I feel, and all that comes with grief. I however would also like to think that as time goes and as I figure more of 'me' out my blog will reflect that as I begin to share that with you. Like my header says, "I will share stories and unanswered questions. I will release feelings and emotions. It won't all be sad, there will be happy too!" I hope as time does go on there will be more happy than anything else...I could use a little happiness in my life. Only time will tell and only God knows.

Thank you to all of my readers! You have been great and your support, prayers, and encouragement is appreciated more than you know!!

Here is to another year of The Tale of Two Coins!!

First of all I would just like to thank everyone for all of their sweet comments on my last post. I know I was asking a pretty deep question. One that I really dont' think there is an answer for. Thank you for all who gave me advice and for those of you who provided me with words of encouragement. Once again the support and prayers are appreciated more than you know. If I could I would love to meet each and every one of you in person and give you a big hug!

The other day I was reading http://to-a-t.blogspot.com/ (I read T's blog everyday) and she had a great idea to get to know her readers more. I think through my blog you all know a lot about me, but unless you are one of the blogs I read I don't think I know very much about you. I however would like to change that by having you answer some silly questions I have made up. This will be a great way to get to know my 'old' readers as well as my new ones. To be fair I will even answer the questions too. This is going to be great for all of my new readers I have noticed joining in the last few weeks as well.

Have fun answering and I can wait to read all of your responses and get to know you all a bit better.

Name:
Live in:
Tell me a little about your family:
Your job:
Are you on my blog roll? (if not I want you to be)
Hobbies/Interests:
Pets:
Type of Car:
Favorite color:
Favorite Store:
Favorite Quote:
One blog that you read everyday:

My answers are:

Name: Jenny
Live in: Michigan
Tell me about your family: As you all know my husband and baby are in heaven. After Shawn passed away I moved back in with my Mom, Dad and Sister-Katie
Your job: Well I'm not 'working' right now. However, if you consider putting your life back together work than that is what I'm doing
Are you on my blog roll: That's just a silly question for me to even answer
Hobbies/Interests: Working out, just started running, spending time with friends, shopping, reading and of course blogging.
Pets: A 9 month old Boston Terrier puppy named Bo
Type of car: 2009 Saturn Vue
Favorite color: Blue
Favorite Store: Target
Favorite Quote: "The life given up by nature is short. But the memory of a well spent life is eternal."
One blog you read every day: Kelly's Korner http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

Ok guys...now it's your turn. Have fun!!

Ok, this post may be a bit jumbled up and may not make a lot of sense to some of you, hell it may not make sense to any of you. I have had this thought roaming around inside of my head for a few weeks now. I have thought about this thought nearly everyday sometimes multiple times a day since it entered into my mind a few weeks back. I'm trying to wrap my arms and thoughts around this but it still isn't making any sense to me at all. So I'm going to try and explain it the best I can here and see what you all have to say about it, or not say about it for that matter.

A few weeks ago I was sitting at a red light just watching people walk past my car, thinking nothing. I mean seriously I didn't have a single little thought in my head. The light turned green, I pulled away from the light and then out of nowhere like a ball bat hitting me upside my head I had this thought... Did God allow Shawn die because Shawn or I may never have been truly happy? Sounds strange right? It sounds even stranger to me, because we WERE happy. Let me try to explain a little.

First do not think that in anyway my thought referees to my marriage with Shawn. We were amazingly happy together and our marriage was rock solid and was awesome. Our marriage and relationship is NOT what I am questioning. However, Shawn and I struggled for just about everything. Nothing ever came easy to us. Our family always said that if the two of us didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all.

The main struggle in our life was Shawn's job. He wanted more than anything in the entire world to be a College Football Coach. I remember Shawn telling me that he wanted to be a Football Coach since he was 7 years old. As Shawn was growing up he told his friends and family this and very few people actually believed him or even worse, few believed in him. Many of his family members and friends even laughed in his face when he told them he was going to school for Coaching. I even remember a few people laughing at his face as they gave him a sorry 'good luck' Well, Shawn was an extremely stubborn person, the doubts of others just made him work even harder for his dream. Shawn was going to be a College Football Coach, it was his dream. Well because of our incredibly bad luck it never failed that Shawn's opportunities got messed up. Shawn constantly went above and beyond his job responsibilities of being a Graduate Assistant on two different football teams. Shawn didn't ever give 100% when it came to his job he gave 200%. There were many nights when we would have something planned and Shawn would call and ask me if we could push them back because he needed to be in the office. Even though those times I was disappointed I understood he needed to do that and to be in the office. He needed to have the other Coach's see how dedicated he was to the game. I knew going into our marriage that this was going to happen and as Shawn's wife I supported all of those decisions. It just always seemed that no matter how hard or how dedicated Shawn was to his job another guy would always get the opportunity when it came up. There were many times when other Coach's would tell Shawn, "Why do you want to be on the field when you are so good at all the behind the scenes details?" That killed Shawn when other Coach's told him that. Yes, he was good at the behind the scenes stuff, but he only did those things to get closer to the game, to get closer to the field and to get closer to his ultimate dream of Coaching. At the end of every season Shawn would always send out countless resumes to college teams that were looking to fill positions. This was a huge form of stress for us because we really never knew where we were going next and that was so scary for me. I didn't want to move far away from my family, but then again I knew I had to to support Shawn and his dream and at the end of the night I was happy to do that as Shawn's wife.

The last year got extremely tough for Shawn. Things were not going well with his job and he wasn't even really sure if he was even going to have a job at the start of the season because there was talk about eliminating his position. Shawn was stressed out, frustrated, and upset. He had started Coaching nearly 7 years ago and was no closer to a full time coaching job than he was the day he started. Many times during that last year Shawn would come home exhausted from work, he would hold me while sitting on the couch and just tell me how much he wanted everything to happen for him and for us. He always told me that because his job wasn't 'stable' he felt that he couldn't support us and he felt that he was constantly letting me down. I always reassured him while yes it was stressful to live that way he was under no circumstances letting me down. I always told him I would support him in all of the choices he made and that I would be there for him through all of it and I was. Even looking back at it now I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. Well maybe the part where Shawn finally got the break he deserved. Two weeks before Shawn died we found out that he was going to have a job during the season, although it was going to be severely altered, making it almost impossible for Shawn to do his job the way he had the two years before. One night after getting home really late Shawn crawled into bed and told me that he was going to throw the towel in on Coaching. He told me that he would work out the rest of the season and then he was going to go back to school and get a degree that he could actually use and get a job with. He went on to tell me that he wasn't being fair to me anymore, that I had already given up so much to support his dream. Next it was going to be his turn to allow some of my dreams to happen by having a baby and starting our family. I remember I cried when he told me this. Even though he put on a good face I could tell that Shawn was crushed by the choice he had made. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. I told him I was fine by sticking by him until he got the dream job he wanted and I told him never to give up on that dream and that we would make it work no matter how hard we could get through anything with each other by our side. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and told me he loved me more than anything in the entire world, he told me it was time to work on my dreams for a change and he would support my dreams just as I had supported his. He also told me he was looking forward to going back to school...I knew he wasn't, he was upset and he was hurt. All I could do that night was hold him and tell him I loved him and that is exactly what I did.

I guess that is a really really long way of getting to the "meat" of my thought...Did God allow Shawn to die because Shawn or I may never be truly happy? I've tried and tried to come up with an answer for that and I just can't, I come up empty every time. I mean we were happy and our marriage was great but in some way did either God or Shawn know that Shawn was never going to be truly happy because of his career so it was easier to let him die. Shawn wouldn't be upset or hurt anymore and I could get another chance to live life again and be happy. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about that as an answer. I mean come on!!! Shawn and I ALWAYS ALWAYS told each other that as long as we had one another we would make it through anything. Except, now I'm here all alone trying to get through the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my entire life without the one person I want to get through it with and the only person I want to be with. Oh how I hate this!!!

I'm trying and I'm trying really hard to understand and believe that God has a plan for me. I'm trying to understand that God's plan for me is obviously very different that the plan I wanted. I also know that God's plan for me and the why's to this happening may not become clear to me for several several years. I'm also trying really really hard everyday to believe that there is some sort of purpose for the pain that I have been in since losing Shawn and our baby. I believe that I will once again find love and happiness, I think I have to believe that otherwise I'm sure I would go crazy. Then again, I know if the right man doesn't appear before me, I will be just fine by myself as I will not settle just so that I won't be alone. All that being said, at the same time I would love to yell up at God and tell him that I would have been totally happy for the rest of my life living, loving, and being Shawn's wife...even if we were living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. I would love to tell God that the other "stuff" didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was Shawn and the love we had for each other and I miss him and wish like I have never wished before that Shawn could be back with me.

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet a great person and I think the two of us are going to become very good friends. I would like to tell you a little about her. For now I'm not going to use her name, I'm just going to refer to her as "L"

Last summer while my family was on vacation in Traverse City my brother, Matt had gotten a phone call from one of his friends saying that another friend of theirs "L" had lost her fiancee in a horrible motorcycle accident a few weeks earlier. Matt told us about the accident and I remember thinking how horrible it must be for her to lose her fiance just nine weeks before they were to get married. I didn't know this girl but I knew she was fairly young and I remember feeling really sad for her. Later that night as Shawn and I were falling asleep I even told him I can't begin to imagine the pain that this girl must be going through. Then, just one month later Shawn died and all of a sudden I knew the horrible feeling of losing the love of your life. I was experiencing the same pain as my brother's friend. Several months went buy and then some time after Christmas my brother told me that he had heard that "L" was having a difficult time so he decided to again tell me about "L" and he also gave "L" the address to my blog and my email. My brother told me to expect an email or something from her. A few months went by and I never heard anything from her. At that time I was just beginning to pick myself up and wasn't sure how much support I would be to someone, so I really didn't do much follow through on my part. Then one day in March I received an email from "L". She told me that she was sorry about my loss, then went on to tell me what had happened to her fiancee. We then starting communicating with each other through email. Emails led to Facebook and Facebook lead to phone calls and texting. On Facebook and through texting we began leaving short little messages of support for each other. Earlier this winter "L" sent me a book about grief "Life After Loss" in a letter she told me that this book has given her some comfort and healing in her grieving process. This weekend I too gave her something that has helped me in my grieving, and that is Sarah's new CD. Sometime last month we tried to set up a time for the two of us to meet but just couldn't work out a time that worked. We only live about two hours away, but it was still a bit difficult. However, earlier this week I invited "L" to come to my house yesterday and today because I was going to be home alone much of the time and I thought it would be a good time for us to connect.


She accepted and spent all of last night and this morning with me. "L" arrived at my house around 6:00 last night. She walked into my house and I instantly thought she was just so cute. We decided to go out for dinner and we hit it off instantly. Although we had been communicating for a few months we had never really "talked". We started talking and I don't think that we stopped until around 2:00 in the morning. We went to sleep, woke up this morning and talked again until the time she left this afternoon. It was great spending time with another 'young' widow who knew exactly what I was talking about and the feelings that I have.

"L" asked me about Shawn first so I told her our story and then I told her about Shawn's death and about the baby. Then she shared her story with me. Her bridal shower was on Saturday June 14, and her fiancee died the very next day in a motorcycle accident just two miles from what was going to be their home. "L" was 24 and her fiancee was 30 and they were together for 3 years but she never got the chance to be his wife. He died just nine weeks before they were to get married. Their wedding was supposed to be on August 23, just five days after Shawn died. As the two of us shared our stories we realized that we also had a lot in common with each other. They are small little things but still 'signs' none the less. We both got new Saturn Vue's, we both had the same pink razor phone and just recently we both got new cell phones and we happened to get the new LG Dare so the pictures we had on our old phones of our guys could be transferred. For Christmas we both got a piece of jewelry from our Mom's from the same jewelery designer. The flowers that my bridesmaids carried in my wedding were going to be the same that her bridesmaid's carried in her wedding...purple Hydrangeas. We both get anxious easily and up until our loves passed away we both hated to drive anywhere alone because it would stress us out. Strange little coincidence's but still weird little things that connected us together.


However the one thing that connects us more than anything is the fact that we are both way too young to be experiencing the type and magnitude of grief that goes along with losing your spouse. We knew exactly what each other was saying and we could almost finish each other's sentences because we both knew the same emotions. We talked about how people have responded to us and some of the stupid things people have said to us both since the deaths. We talked about significant dates and how we each have coped with those moments. We talked about our futures and how we both want to be happy again but at the same time it is hard to comprehend true happiness even though we both want it so badly. We talked about the end of the 'firsts' and about going into the second year and how incredibly scary that is. We talked about things we miss doing that we once used to love doing with our guys. We talked about not being able to grow old with the one person we both wanted to grow old with. Basically we just talked and talked. She talked about her Fiancee and her feelings, while I talked about Shawn and my feelings We talked so much that I actually kind of lost my voice for a while late last night. We were going to watch a movie but instead we just kept talking. We both thought it was so nice to talk to another person who can relate 100%, in a way it was even kind of refreshing. This morning after we had both woke up we shared memory books with each other. "L" showed me a book that she made after her fiancee died and I showed her my book that Jennie put together for me a few months after Shawn had died. Even though "L" is almost seven years younger than I am we still have so much in common and we also have one common thread tying us together and that is becoming a widow so early in life. We are both strong, we are both living with grief right now, but we are both going to survive it as well. We really enjoyed the time we spent with each other and I'm very sure we are always going to be friends and continue to be there for one another as we need it.

In just a few days on the 15th of this month "L" will be coming upon the one year mark of her Fiancees death. You all have said so many prayers and been a huge form of support for me I ask on this day that you all please keep "L" in your thoughts and prayers as she faces this most very difficult day.

"L" if you are reading this I'm so glad that we met each other, even if it had to be under the most horrible of circumstances. I'm glad the we can trust each other and be there for each other when we need it. I also look forward to the next time we meet and continuing to build our friendship.

Ok the title of this post is supposed to sound like Forest Gump when he is yelling at Jenny to run down the road away from the 'mean' boys that were picking on them. Don't know if it came a crossed that way or not, but that was what I was going for. :)

Why the title you ask? Well guess what I did today at the gym? Yup, you guessed it...I ran or rather jogged 2 miles in 20 minutes. I know it is a horrible time but for now the time isn't what counts. What counts is that I jogged 2 miles in 20 minutes without stopping or dying (even more important in the big picture I guess)!! And I even enjoyed myself while running! Weird as I have never been much of a runner. Wait correction...I have never ran or even jogged for that matter. Shawn and I always said we wanted to start running but he had horrible knees from playing football, and well I always thought my boobs were too big. They still are, but with working out so much I broke down and got an awesome sports bra. What a difference that makes!

In twenty minutes I burned 193 calories, went two miles and jogged 8 laps. No idea on how they measure a lap since I was on a treadmill, but that was the stats I was given at the end of the time.

After I ran I lifted chest and triceps and pushed myself really hard and it felt good. Then I did about 200 sit ups and about 200 lower ab exercises. After that I hit the stationary bike for 20 minutes and ended up going for about 4 miles. I know people work out all of the time and it's no big deal and I've worked out in the past before as well. However, for some reason now I feel really proud of myself for accomplishing this. It feels good and it makes me feel better as well. Working out is making me start to feel sane again. Who knows maybe I will end up running in the Grand Rapids Marathon in October with my brother's girlfriend. That is a long ways from now so who knows, but maybe that would be a great way to honor Shawn as well.

Tomorrow at the gym is shoulders, more abs, and of course cardio. I think I may even try jogging again.

Run...Jenny....Run

(Hey this is kind of a short post for me)

Those of you who follow me on FaceBook have known for about a month and a half that I joined a gym and started working out again, I often leave a comment about running to the gym or something of the sort. So I figured I would share my gym experience here with all of my blog readers as well.

The last time I was in Youngstown I went to the gym a few days with my friend Lora. We would talk while on the Elliptical machines and then use the machines to lift weights. I had not worked out all all since Shawn passed away and found myself really enjoying getting back into working out. So when I got back home I decided to join one of the gym's here in town. I joined in the beginning of April and I am proud to say I have been going strong since signing up!! Shawn and I always used to go to the gym together and work out with each other. He was the one who taught me to use all of the machines the correct way and the "right" way to lift. I knew I wanted to work out again but at the same time I wasn't sure I would enjoy the gym atmosphere again because this was something that the two of us always did together. However,I have found it to be really helpful and I'm so glad that I have started going once again.

After Shawn died I lost close to 40 pounds. Mainly because I just didn't feel like eating and when I would eat it wouldn't taste good so I didn't eat much. Par for the course I suppose. Just within the last month or so I have started regain my appetite and have been eating bit more and there for have gained back a few pounds, only about 15 but still. I know I was too skinny when I first lost all of the weight so I'm actually ok with gaining the 15 lbs back, but I would like to stay there and not gain any more and of course when you lose 40 pounds as quick as I did you look a little on the flabby side. Hence the need for the gym.


Every week since April I have been going to the gym a minimum of three days a week. Many weeks I have gone more like four or five days a week and I use Saturday as a "cushion" day in case I don't make it one day during the week. On Sunday nights I will write down on my calender the days I will go to the gym and what muscle groups I will be focusing on for any given day. I do 30 minutes of some form of cardio and about twenty minutes of some form of abs everyday. Then each day I also alternate between the major muscle groups. For example, yesterday I did cardio, back and biceps, and abs. Today I did cardio, abs, and legs, tomorrow I will take the day off. Thursday will be cardio, chest, triceps, and abs. Then on Friday I will do you guessed it more cardio, abs, and then shoulders. I really really hate the cardio part of working out. It just isn't fun, however I do it to keep in shape you need to incorporate cardio
into your workouts and cardio is really good for your heart. I love lifting and always have enjoyed that part. I tend to gain muscle really fast, so it is neat to see the results rather quickly.


When Shawn and I would work out together he would be dripping in sweat and I would hardly even be hot. He would get kinda upset with me and tell me that I wasn't pushing myself or working hard enough. (He was a Coach, yelling at people to push harder was his job!) I would tell him that I was too working hard but that for some reason I just didn't sweat. Uhm....I think Shawn was right! I don't think I was working hard at all back then! For some reason know when I work out I sweat so bad I could almost wring out my tank tops when I'm done working out. I know GROSS!! Now when I'm at the gym I have found myself pushing myself like I never did before while working out. I'm lifting more and more weight while still using the correct form, something Shawn always used to get on me about. I don't know maybe I have a little extra "push" to work out and do something good for myself now. Maybe Shawn is pushing me all at the same time. I have also found that working out has been a great stress reliever for me. Yesterday I woke up crying missing Shawn, I didn't want to go to the gym but forced myself and left in a much better mood then when I walked in.


Along with working out I have also started to eat in a much more healthy way. I'm trying really hard to cut out most of the sweets that I have been used to eating and working on eating more fresh fruits and veggies, lean proteins and whole wheat breads and pasta instead of the bleached kinds. After I found out that Shawn died of a massive heart attack due to the fact that his coronary artery was almost totally blocked (we had no idea about this!) it really changed the way I thought about my health, I knew I needed to change things for myself as well, but I kind of didn't really start caring about that until just recently, hence why I have started going to the gym. If any of you have any good "healthy" recipes I'd love to give them a try.


The other thing that I'm going to try and do is start to limit (not stop) my consumption of the best drink on earth...Diet Coke. Boy this one is going to be even harder than doing cardio! On good days I will usually only drink two Diet Cokes, one with lunch and then one sometime after dinner. However, on bad days I will grab one right after waking up and continue to drink it throughout the day. I know HORRIBLE! Then yesterday I was reading Kelly's blog at www.kellyskornerblog.com/2009/06/monday-madness.html Well, Kelly is also trying to give up her love of Coke and is participating in the Crystal Light Water Way Challenge. It is where Crystal Light is trying to get women to drink more water in a way to better take care of their bodies. So I thought what the heck and signed up for the challenge myself. You can visit the site here...http://www.deliciouschange.com to get the full details of the challenge if you are interested in them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to cut Diet Coke totally out of my life I'm just looking to cut back and to drink more water. I actually don't even drink water. Can't stand it, I don't drink it out of the tap, or bottled, I just find it to be gross. Hopefully with adding Crystal Light I can give my body more water and less Diet Coke. We shall see how it goes, I will give you all and update in a day or so. I think what I'm going to do is make myself drink two bottled waters of Crystal Light and then reward myself with a pop. So far today I haven't gotten a pop yet :(... it's a work in progress what can I say.

So between working out at the gym, eating healthier foods and drinking water I will be in top notch shape and health in no time. Here is to hitting the gym!!

Hello to all! Sorry it has been almost a week since posting again but I was kinda busy last week finishing up some last minute things before Sarah's concert and doing a few other things as well. Since I haven't blogged much I realized how much better I feel after I have written out my thoughts and feelings somewhere. So I'm going to try harder to write something everyday, or at least every other day. Some posts maybe "deep", some maybe an update, and some maybe just a few random thoughts roaming around in my brain. Either way I'm going to get back to posting more often. Besides we all know my posts have a tendency to be rather uhm long so maybe if I get back to posting more often you all won't be reading a novel. When I first started blogging I would post everyday, so I think I would like to get back to that.

For this post I thought I'd share with you my plans for this summer. Even though I have started looking for jobs I have decided that I will continue and take most of the summer off. I would like to try and have as much fun as possible this summer and unless an amazing job opportunity comes along I will continue to do "odd" jobs to help get me back into the swing of working, allowing me to have some fun as I continue to grieve and find more of myself. So my plans for this summer are as follows:

Next weekend I will be going on a girls weekend with the three lady's that I have gotten to know since about November. We are all rather young and each of our husbands passed away very unexpectedly. We get together one night a week and talk and lend support to each other. Lately we have also been trying to not only meet but try to do fun things as well. One of the lady's has a cottage in Upper Michigan. So next Friday we will be leaving for the weekend and heading up there. I imagine we will do some shopping (duh!) and hopefully the weather will warm up and we will be able to enjoy some time by the water just relaxing and being in the sun.

After next weekend I will then be home for a few more weeks before making another trip back to Youngstown. I haven't been back there since the beginning of April so I'm super excited to be going back to see my friends, their families and "T". As of now I will be leaving on June 26 and coming back to Michigan on July 6. I know I have one birthday party to go to for Luca. I will be there for July 4th as well and from what I hear after talking to Jennie today we will be having one heck of a July 4th party, complete with our own fireworks. I can't wait and we should have such a great time.

Once I return back to Michigan I'm not sure what my plans will be. That will be the weekend of the Cherry Festival up in Traverse City where my Grandma's house is. That was always the one week of the year that Shawn would take off and we would spend the majority of the week up there. As of now I'm not too sure I'm up for that this summer, although I haven't officially decided. I may just go up there for a day or two and then come back home and relax for a while.

July 14-July 21 I will hopefully find myself in Chicago visiting one of my best friends Megan and her family. I found the perfect cheap plane ticket, but that got all messed up so now I need to find another ticket or take the train. Haven't decided what I want to do yet, need to get moving on that. I'm sure once I'm there Meg and I will have a great time and I know we will do some shopping. That's what Meg and I do the best, especially when we are together. Hopefully everything will work out and I will be seeing her soon.

One of the Coach's that Shawn used to work with that I'm still very close to got a job at another school and has a new house. He would like me to come and spend a weekend with him the last weekend in July. This isn't a done deal yet, but it would be great to go visit him, see his knew house and catch up. We still talk all the time, but it isn't the same as actually getting to see him.

Then it looks like I'm into the dreaded August. August will be a fun month with exciting and fun things going on but at the same time it will mark the one year mark of Shawn's death. Something that is still so hard for me to wrap my thoughts around. I think the first weekend in August I will be having another girls weekend. This time with Sarah and some of her friends before she gets married. This should be a great and very fun weekend. Then in mid August Sarah will be getting married. This is going to be a great wedding but at the same time, I imagine it is going to be rather emotional. After the wedding I will be looking August 18th straight in the face. I'm still trying to figure out the "right" way to deal with that day. I want it to be something special for myself and for Shawn and while I'm sure there will be many tears that day I don't want to sit around bawling all day. Hopefully within the next 3 months the way to celebrate the day will come to me.

The very end of August will find me back in Youngstown. I will be there for the week of the Canfield Fair. Which I swear to goodness is the biggest and best fair I have ever gone to. Shawn and I went the first two years we lived there and were amazed at it. Obviously I didn't go last year. Jennie and her family own a sausage stand that sells the best veggies and sausage and Jennie works the stand almost every night after working all day. So I will be going to Youngstown to help take care of her 3 boys while she is working and at the fair. I will help her fiancee Chris and take the boys to the fair a few nights of the week. I'm really looking forward to this week and the yummiest food you could ever eat at the fair.

There you have it, my summer plans. It isn't even officially summer yet but my summer is filling up. I have a few open holes that I'm hoping I can squeeze in a few more things maybe a camping trip or two. When I'm not visiting with friends I will be at the gym working out. (I'm really enjoying the gym these days) I will also be "working" more on myself and trying to figure out the direction I want my life to go in. My summer will be spent with the best friends ever, family, fun, I imagine tears and trying to figure more of me me out. I think I will be rather busy!!

I hope you all have a great summer as well! More tomorrow!!